


Save Me From the Nothing I've Become

by JJWay



Series: Troubled Minds are Never Housed in Stable People [2]
Category: Marvel 616, The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: AU that's my excuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Balder is overprotective, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Drugs, Escape, F/M, Family Issues, Friendship, Gen, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki's thought process doesn't make sense, M/M, Paranoia, Slow Build, The Cabal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-13 07:14:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 52
Words: 94,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJWay/pseuds/JJWay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes a kiss for the wheels in Loki's head to start turning, and end with two facts: he hates his family, and he won't let them control him. He yearns for an escape, and it can only be obtained from Christian Frost. Will Balder, Thor and Tony stop him before it gets too out of hand?<br/>Eventual FrostIron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to 'Getting to Know you', I felt like I should do a prequel before a sequel which was suppose to be my main story and then it got out hand I've got plans for prequels and one-shots and lets face it my first story idea is now never going to get done.  
> This story is starts in November, so 13 months before the events of 'Getting to Know you'. The Cabal are now in Year 10, 15-16; The Avengers in Year 11, 16-17; and Balder and Christian in Year 12, 17-18.  
> I have a basic outline on what's going to happen in this story and where it needs to lead to, so the only thing I have to fear is writer's block, which has so far put a stop to four stories I'm suppose to be writing is well, but I have a good feel about this one, so everything's going to go fine. I've got multiple Word documents full of plans, drawn out seating plans for lessons and many Excel spreadsheets. When Excel is involved you know it's serious.

A fifteen year old Loki sat in one of the many seats of the seating area in the school stadium while his older brother, only by 362 days, Thor, was on the field practising football. Loki had been made to wait after school with him as apparently he couldn't be trusted to walk home on his own, or with his friends. He wouldn't have minded so much if it hadn't been the middle of the November. Loki got cold very easily, and the autumn border-lining winter breeze was doing nothing to help prevent this.

On the plus, at least they wouldn't have to walk home in the breeze as their eighteen year old brother Balder was here also. He wasn't sitting with Loki, preferring to be on the side of the field instead, cheering his favoured brother on. Loki huffed, it was only football practice, it wasn't like Thor was going to achieve anything by scoring goals now. The youngest Odinson thought back to the words the oldest had told him earlier, “You should learn to take pride in the things your brother excels in.” At the time Loki had to grit his teeth to suppress a remark on how no one took pride in his achievements. No one had even shown up to Loki’s Badminton Doubles matches. Granted Loki’s heart hadn't really been into game, he only played because Emma needed a partner; but they had won every game nonetheless, and his parents hadn't even cared enough to show up. His father at the time had muttered something about Badminton being a woman’s game and his two brothers had laughed. Loki doesn't play anymore.

He looked up suddenly away from where he was scowling at the field to be met with the face of a familiar boy who had just addressed him. “Sorry, what did you say?” The blonde haired boy laughed, an act that did not reach his glazed over blue eyes. Loki knew his hair was blonde from the loose strands that were sticking out of his black beanie, the rest of his attire consisted of an orange shirt, covered by a black blazer, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and loose fitting pants in the same colour. Loki felt a little overdressed if anything in comparison. His own blazer and t-shirt were covered by his black and gold peacoat, with a green scarf woven around his neck, gloves to match. Loki had all this on and yet was still cold, but this guy seemed fine with his sleeves rolled up as though the cold didn't touch him at all.

“I asked if I could sit next to you, Loki.” The named nodded to the other who sat down in the seat next to him in the practically empty stadium. Loki was still trying to put a name to the familiar face, he was, maybe only a little embarrassed that the boy knew his name but he couldn't return the favour.

“Do I know you?” Loki gave up after several moments of thought.

“Didn't think you'd remember me,” the still unknown boy smiled, again not showing in his eyes, before he held out a hand which Loki took rather hesitantly, “I’m Emma’s brother, Christian Frost.” The revelation came as somewhat of a shock to Loki, who felt rather guilty that he hadn't realised sooner. He'd been friends with Emma for nine to ten years now and he couldn't even remember her brother when he saw him. He hadn't really seen much of Christian recently though, not since he'd been kicked out by his father, Winston Frost, just under two years ago. Emma had mentioned something about depression and drugs taking a hold of the older boy while he’d be stopping with his friends, which would explain his glassy eyes. Loki had assumed the boy had left school as well as his home, but apparently not as his blazer sported the Marvel High logo.

The two sat in comfortable silence after that, the only noise made between them was Christian lighting up a smoke while they watched the football practise continue. Two goals made by Thor, and a lot of cheerful shouting from Balder later, practise was coming to an end and Loki decided to speak to his company while he still had the chance. “So…you must have done something pretty big this time if you’re still banned from the house of Frost,” Emma had never told them what her brother had been kicked out for, and really none of them cared to ask, which was probably why she hadn't said anything.

“Is that you asking subtly?” Christian giggled, leaning his head back to get a better look of Loki.

“No, I could do better if I so wished; but why take the long route round to the answer?” The other didn't answer the rhetorical question, not that Loki expected him to, instead carried on grinning at him while he finished his smoke. Stamping it into the floor with his foot, Christian leaned towards Loki, shrugging his shoulders.

“I’m not sure,” he muttered before taking Loki’s face with one hand and pressing their lips together. Loki’s eyes widened at the sudden contact.

Loki had known for awhile that he liked boys over girls; he wasn't sure when it happened, but he'd never looked at girls the way he looked at the guys in his PE class getting changed. What he did know for sure however, was that Christian was male, he was kissing him and Loki was enjoying it. He allowed his eyes to close and mouth to part open slightly, focusing on the feel of Chris’s lips on his. That was until the blonde pulled away and hummed, “yes, I think it’s coming back to me now,” and he kissed Loki quickly, “pretty sure my dad kicked me out because I like kissing pretty boys instead of girls.” Loki scoffed as Christian winked at him, but the other paid no attention and started kissing him again. Loki wool covered hands had been in his lap this whole time, but as Chris’s tongue entered his mouth he couldn't help but move them up and around his neck. As his tongue pushed against his own, Loki let out deep moan, he could seriously get use to this.

“Loki!” The two split apart at the sound of the younger’s name, looking down the steps they were met with the sight of Balder marching up them.

“Balder’s your brother, right?” Chris muttered next to him, not really affected by his older brother’s furious expression.

“I'm afraid so,” Loki whispered back just as Balder reached them.

“Stay away from my brother, Frost,” he growled grabbing Loki’s arm and hauling him out of his seat.

“Balder!” The younger Odinson shouted trying to push the other’s grip off him.

“I swear if I see you touching him again you'll be wishing those drugs did more than just get you high,” with that, Balder dragged Loki back down the steps.

When Loki looked back he saw Christian still sitting in the same spot, arms rested on the back of the chairs either side of him, grinning widely down at him. Loki smirked back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated so I know my writing is going in the right direction, but the continuation of reading is also a really good sign. Just say if you find the story boring and I'll have someone throw up on Loki or something, actually that's not a bad idea...
> 
> Title quote by Dr Seuss


	2. The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's thoughts start to manifest.

“You stay away from him Loki,” were the first words to spill from Balder’s mouth once they were all seated in his car. Thor riding shot gun and Loki shoved in the back.

“What happened?” His other brother asked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. A common expression to be found upon Thor’s face.

“That’s none of your concern, Thor,” Loki snapped at him before addressing Balder again. “I can’t not see him, he's one of my closest friend’s older brother, it’s inevitable that I do see him again.” Choosing to ignore Loki’s earlier words, the oldest Odinson turned to Thor.

“I caught Loki making out with Christian Frost. You know, the drug addict in my year,” he spoke the last sentence while giving Loki a look through the rear-view mirror, who sighed and turned away, staring out the window with his head in his hand. After several moments of silence, Thor decided to speak up again.

“But brother, you're not gay, are you?” He didn’t respond, choosing instead the close his eyes and block out his brothers for the rest of the drive home. Loki had never mentioned the fact that the skin mags they left lying around their rooms disgusted him, and that he’d prefer a naked male any day. So no, they did not know he was gay, and he didn’t plan on telling them; they could figure it out for themselves.

“Don’t worry Thor, this is probably just a phase, or Frost persuaded him to trick us. Right Loki?” Continuing to ignore them as best he could, Loki gave no response other than bearing his teeth. He couldn’t tell whether Balder actually believed this, or whether it was a warning for Loki. What had he to lose though if his family hated who he found attractive? They hated most everything else about him anyway.

Balder was his mother’s favourite, and the heir to the Asgard company which also gave him a close bond with their father. Thor was their father's favourite yet still an all round mommy’s boy and she still treated him like her baby, and they all saw Thor as a sports star destined to go far. Loki on the other hand, was like an extra arm that got in the way. He wasn’t like them, never was, never will be. Unlike his father and brothers, Loki wasn’t muscular and strong; he was left weak. While his whole family had bright blue eyes, he was left with emerald green; the colour of monsters. Their hair was fair, both Balder’s and his mother’s a light brown, Thor’s blonde and his father had since gone completely white, he was left with black; the colour of darkness. That’s how his family saw him; as a weak monster in their shadow.

When Balder pulled up outside their house Loki jumped out of the car as fast as he could, hoping to run up to his room without another conversation from his oldest brother. Of course that didn’t happen though, Loki wasn’t that lucky. Balder grabbed his arm just as he was making it up the stairs into the house and gave him a look which clearly said no to running off to safety. “Loki, we’re talking about this whether you want to or not,” he said as soon as he got Loki to face him, who still didn’t look at him, instead his eyes frowned past him.

“What more is there to speak about? You have confessed your dislike and have already demanded me not to see him again.” Balder let go of his arm once Loki was finished, choosing instead to rub his face with both his hands.

“I’m only trying to make sure of your safety,” he responded softly, making Loki scoff, seeing straight through his lie.

“No, you’re blowing this way out of proportion, and looking for another way to control me. It was one kiss; I’m hardly rushing off to marry him Balder! But maybe that’s it; you just despise the idea of having a younger brother who likes kissing boys.” Screw not telling his family, Loki had a point to make. “Yes, that’s definitely the problem isn’t it? Imagine what your friends would think. We all know I matter not in this family unless I am doing something to make you all look bad.” Loki hissed out before quickly stomping off inside the house, leaving Balder and Thor gaping, making no move to follow him.

To be honest, Loki was quite proud of himself. He hadn’t necessarily come out to his brothers; they’d probably still be too in denial to see that. This was by far not the first time he’d gotten into an argument with his brothers about not caring for him; but each time the next day would be the same, as though he’d said nothing; this if anything just proved his point. This time however was different; this was the first time he’d been able to finish his argument before stomping off. Every other time their father would intervene and as much as Loki hates to admit it, Odin scares him. He wouldn’t put it past his father to kick him out for speaking against him. This time there was no father figure to cease his speaking, this time he got to make his point, and this time his brothers had nothing to say back.

A sad smile filled Loki’s features. Thor and Balder said nothing. Loki couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not. On the one hand it meant that he had truly shocked them, and they were truly listening. On the other hand…it could mean they truly didn’t care. Maybe they simply didn’t care enough anymore to prove Loki wrong.

Loki sat up on his bed from where he had been lying and pulled his legs up to his chest, hugging his knees closely. Suddenly, he felt more alone than ever. It’d been an hour since they’d come back and he’d shot off up to his room, and no one had come to check up on him. What if Balder and Thor weren’t as brain dead as Loki had thought, and now they did know of his interests? What if the suddenly realisation changed everything? When they tell their father, how will he react? What if Odin did the same to him as Winston did to Christian? Then maybe he’d turn out just as drug hazed as the disowned Frost son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title quote by Mother Teresa


	3. Avoidance is a wonderful therapy

Loki tried his hardest to avoid his family for the rest of the night and the morning after. He refused to come down for dinner, and went so far as to wake up at 5 o’clock so as to leave the house before Balder and Thor woke up for their 6 o’clock run. Dressing in a green t-shirt and tight fitting jeans, Loki grabbed his blazer and school bag, pulled on his black shin-high boots, and ran out the door; skipping breakfast completely just in case. It was 5:20 when he finally left, and made his way on the 30 minute walk to Victor von Doom’s house. He’d admit that he was considerable drained by the time he’d reached his best friend’s house, and it was probably due to the fact he’d had no dinner or breakfast, in addition to the unusually early wake up. His body simply wasn’t used to it.

Lucky for him, Victor was already up doing some experiment that Loki only just understood. So while he continued with that, Loki observed him from where he was now perched on Victor’s counter top, cross legged eating a bowl of cereal in the kitchen. “Maybe you should go to sleep,” Victor suggested, not looking up from his test tubes. Loki looked to the clock on the microwave which read 6:02 in digital green lines. School didn’t start till 9 o’clock, and Loki’s eyes had been threatening to slip shut while he’d been sitting, so perhaps it was a good idea.

“What about you?” Loki asked the other in the room, jumping gracefully off the counter top to place his dish in the sink. “Have you even been to bed yet?”

“Loki, I am not an imbecile, I know how to look after myself.” Loki sighed at his friend who only continued mixing chemicals together.

“How long for?” He demanded folding his arms and attempting to hold back a yawn. It was Victor’s turn to sigh now as he placed his colourful tubes back into their holders and turned to the younger. _Only by 13 days_ , Loki quickly muttered in his head.

“I’m fine, unlike you who looks as though they’re about to fall over,” and felt like it too, but that didn’t mean he was about to give in.

“How long for, Doom?” Loki raised an eyebrow as best he could in his sleepy state.

“About an hour,” he admitted, producing a scoff from Loki.

“Right; and I’m the one who needs sleep,” he muttered, walking up to Victor and taking his hand, “come on, if I have to sleep then so do you.”

After the rest he had round Victor’s house, in his vast and comfy bed(Loki really liked Victor’s bed), he felt a lot more refreshed and even able to stay awake during this morning’s tutor. It was going well so far, the plan to avoid Thor and Balder. Loki and Victor managed to get into school and met up with the rest of their Cabal friends without being seen by them. The day was off to an adequate start. That was until Tony decided to approach his table.

Tutor was basically a small group of students, a couple from each year, thrown together in one room for ten minutes to get their present mark. Loki normally didn’t socialise with any of the students in his tutor, the only other student he knew there was Marcia Lang and she kept to herself. Another student he had the misfortune of knowing was the one walking over to him now with a stupid grin on his stupid face. “What do you want, Stark?” Loki growled with no desire to hide the hatred in his voice.

“Whoa there Snow White, I only came to say hey,” replied Tony raising his hands in fake surrender. Loki didn’t trust him and narrowed his eyes at the other male. As though his day really had taken a turn for the worst, Stark decided to sit down next to him. “So…saw you making out with Christian Frost yesterday,” Loki didn’t grace him with a response, instead continued to glare at him. “It was just an observation. It also struck me as odd how Thor was worried about your whereabouts this morning. Made me wonder whether the two things were in anyway related?” Tony finished by staring pointedly at Loki, as though expecting an answer. Well, he wasn’t going to get one, least not from him. This was the same guy who had broken his spectre when he was seven, the same guy who had put him in a locker when he was in Year 7, and the same guy who continued to make snarky and insufferable comments to him. So no, Anthony Edward Stark would be getting no insight on his personal life. “Come on, Tinkerbell, I only want to help.” Loki narrowed his eyes further at the older male beside him.

“Is that so?” He hissed out, to which, much to his surprise, Tony shrugged and smiled back at him.

“Yes, it is. You're one of my best mates’ younger brother, I have to care about you.” As Tony continued to smile innocently at him, Loki had to resist the urge to punch him in the face. Care about him? Care about him! Please, Tony wouldn’t be able to care about his girlfriend, Pepper Potts, when held at gun point let only Thor Odinson’s weird little brother.

“I don’t need your pathetic excuse for ‘care’ Stark,” the black haired male turned his attention back to the front, adjusted his gaze up to the wall clock where he could count down the seconds until he could leave and be out of Tony Stark's presents.

“Not yet, but trust me if you stay in the company of Christian Frost you will do,” Stark warned in a hushed tone causing Loki to huff. _Why was everyone blowing this out of proportion, it was one kiss!_ “Just stay away from him Loki.” The named stood up as the bell went off announcing the start of first period, but he stopped before walking away from the table Tony was still seated at.

“I’ve got a better idea, Stark, why don’t _you_ stay away from me. You are by far a bigger threat to me than Chris Frost,” Loki could still feel the other’s gaze on him as he marched out the room. Loki didn’t need Stark’s help; he wasn’t in any danger just from kissing and talking to someone. If only Stark and his brothers could see that; then maybe he’d get some peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title quote by Maggie Stiefvater


	4. The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki spends time with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying harder to better my writing, but I'm finding it difficult, chaptered fics have always been more difficult for me write, and I'm not sure why. So if you could give me some advice on how to improve, that'd be great ^-^

The rest of the day goes mostly eventless, without any more words from his brothers or Tony. The lesson plan for today starts with double Maths with Mr Osborn, and Loki takes his usual seat at the back next to Victor; their table in between Emma and Parker’s, and Tony and Wade’s. Most of the two 50 minute lessons are spent with Loki moaning about his family, to which Victor stares at him while he speaks and occasionally nods. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t need to. At break Loki finds himself glaring at Thor and his friends on the way to Spanish, and sees them briefly again on the way to IT. At lunch an excited Wade runs over to their table and proclaims gleefully that Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy have spilt up before he runs off just as quickly. Emma had muttered sarcastically how much of a shame that was, causing Loki to smirk at her. The day ended with English and Art, both lessons full of glares, mainly from Victor, all directed to the table Reed Richards sat on. That’s not to say that Victor hadn’t glared at him in other lessons too, just the last two were the only ones where they were in each other’s eye line.

Loki was putting his Art book back in his locker with Parker leaning on the metal construction next to him when Tony walked up to them and started to mimic Parker’s action, causing the later to roll his eyes and huff, lips forming a straight line afterwards. “Is there actually anything you wanted, Masters?” Parker asks as Loki closed his locker again.

“You two want to come out and watch Wade try and seduce Pete?” It honestly sounded like a horrible idea to Loki. He enjoyed watching people humiliate themselves, but this wouldn’t be the first time he’d seen Wade embarrass himself while trying to win Peter Parker’s affections. It was truly painful to watch. On the other hand though, this way he wouldn’t have to go straight home, and be confronted by Balder. Which option was worse?

Loki decided that Wade getting turned down would be funnier if Peter wasn’t so nice, but since Harry Osborn was there to speak-or shout-on his friend’s behalf, it was made up for. So while Wade and Harry argued over Peter, who tried to reason with Harry to stand down, The Cabal stood on the other side of the road laughing at the scene. Well, Tony, Parker and Loki did, Victor and Emma just smirked at Wade’s misfortune.

After watching the argument for a good thirty minutes the group decided to find something else to do with their valuable time. This involved going to the park. There was big climbing set in the park which four-out-of-five of The Cabal decided to make a route around and see who could go through it in the fastest time while Victor sat on a swing and timed them. Tony won, but they all insisted it was because he took the best aspects of their tries and copied them, to which Tony said “you’re just jealous I’m more skilled than you all.” Which to Tony’s defense, he was, anything athletic and Tony would beat them all hands down.

Loki and his friends all departed at 9 o’clock to go back home, much to Loki’s dismay. Once home he opened the door as slowly and quietly as he could, and did the same as he closed it, but just as the door clicked shut, the familiar sound of his oldest brother spoke up behind him, “where were you?” Loki closed his eyes and bore his teeth, before turning around with the most innocent smile he could muster.

“I’ve simply been out with my friends, brother. We laughed at Wade and played on the park. Where did you suspect me to be?” Balder’s expression didn’t waver from the serious look currently housing it, and continued to stare at the younger. Loki just stood staring back; he knew it was fruitless to even attempt to get past him.

“I don’t know Loki. First I catch you with a drug addict, then you leave the house at an unusually early time, I don't see you all day, and now you sneak in late. It all seems quite suspicious to me.” Loki dropped the innocent act and glared at Balder.

“I left early to help Victor with an experiment before school started,” Loki started to lie, he refused to tell Balder the truth whether he’d done something wrong or not, “as far as not seeing you in the day, I normally don’t see you while in school as we're in completely different years. I’m home late because Tony convinced me to stay out with him longer, so he didn’t have to go back to the horrid place he lives. I saw nothing wrong with comforting a friend. As for sneaking in, I did so to avoid having this sort of conversation and having to explain every single thing I choose to do with my time.” Apart from Victor and Tony’s involvement, Loki didn’t need to lie too much, which was an achievement he supposed. “Tomorrow I’ll be sure to write a list of all the things I may end up doing and you can tick off everything which is allowed of me, would that be better for you, _brother_?” Loki pushed roughly past Balder before marching up the stairs to his room. He’d die before he allowed him or anyone to control how he lived his life.

“Hello, brother, did you enjoy your outing?” Thor asked happily as Loki encounter him on the landing.

“Not now Thor,” Loki hissed back at him, stomping into his room and shutting the door in the confused blonde’s face.

Locking the door Loki fell forward onto his bed and screamed into his pillow. He hated Balder. He hated Thor’s happy voice. He hated living here. Over all he just hated his family. Loki just wished there was an escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title quote by Jay McInerney


	5. I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.

It was a while before the tension between Loki and his brothers had died down. Eight days after the last argument between him and Balder and Loki felt comfortable with eating with his family again, though the feeling of being hated and unloved by them didn’t dismiss. Loki tried not to let show though, and instead spent more time out with his friends, which is where he currently is, sitting with his back against the wall under an underpass with Wade and Tony. He didn’t even bother to question why Wade was hanging out with them more frequently as of late.

“I just don’t get it,” Wade muttered suddenly breaking the comfortable silence Loki had been enjoying. “Why is he not swooning to my every whim by now?” Tony and Loki rolled their eyes simultaneously, not that Wade even noticed.

“Maybe he’s just not gay,” Loki suggested hoping Wade would just shut up about it already. Everyday since the incident, had been spent with him moping about his unrequited love for Peter Parker. Loki blamed Tony for them all having to hear the nonsense that spilled from the mouth of one Wade Wilson, as Tony was the one who happened to make friends with him and sit with him in nearly every lesson.

“Not gay?” Wade questioned in disbelief, “Not gay! Loki, you don’t get a sexuality when I’m involved. Besides, even if I wasn’t, Peter is clearly bisexual.” Loki didn’t even bother to ask Wade where he got this assumption from and instead shook his head and leaned it back against the cool concrete.

It was quite relaxing until another voice shocked him from his tranquil state, “well look who it is,” Loki’s eyes snapped open to be met with a grinning face he hadn’t seen since that cold Wednesday 9 nine days ago. Christian Frost. Loki didn’t bother to hide the smile that crept over his face at the blonde boy, now dressed in tight black jeans, a white shirt covered by a grey vest and black blazer, but still topped off by his black beanie. “Hello Loki, Tony and…I don’t know you,” this realisation caused the older boy to frown at Wade, and Loki would have told him to count himself lucky before Wade interjected.

“Wade Wilson, and you’re Emma Frost's older brother, right?” Christian nodded, a smile plastered back on his face. Loki noticed his eyes were still glassy. “Thought so, the two of you look alike. But seriously, to the point, how hot do you think I am?”

“Oh gods,” Loki groaned and pushed himself off the floor while Chris looked at the boy with a mix of confusion and amusement. “Come on Chris,” Loki said grabbing the blonde’s arm who smiled brightly at him. It never reached it his eyes. “You keep your new pet under control,” Loki told Tony who laugh while Wade spluttered, “did he just call me your pet?” Loki and Christian walked away from the pair.

“Sorry about Wade,” Loki apologised once they were a distance away, “he’s going through a crisis of sorts.” Loki suddenly furrowed his brows, why was he acting like this? Apologising wasn’t his thing, certainly not when he was doing it on someone else’s behalf. What had gotten into him?

“It’s fine, if just a little confusing. It was best you got me out of there before I said something insulting,” Chris turned his head to smile innocently at Loki, who giggled. _Seriously_ , Loki muttered to himself, _I’m turning into some teenage girl_.

“You don’t find Wade attractive?” Chris stopped mid pace and turned to Loki who did the same in return. He didn’t fight it when Chris’s hand came to touch his cheek gently, or when he cupped the side of his face and brought it closer to his own.

“It’s a bit impossible to think he’s even close when you’re next to him in comparison,” then the older boy connected their lips, preventing Loki from saying how lame that was, but he didn’t mind. Whether it was because he’d been told not to by Balder and felt rebellious, or because he actually wanted to, Loki didn’t know, but he kissed Chris with everything he had. Loki’s arms found their way to snake round Chris’s neck, and the later’s were around the younger’s waist.

Loki knew he shouldn’t be doing this. Balder’s trust in him would be further destroyed. There was the age difference between the two of them, Chris at 18 while Loki was still 15. Chris’s younger sister and Loki’s friend was also to considered, he didn’t expect Emma would be very happy if she saw him in such an act with her brother. Loki had been warned not to do this, and Christian had been warned not to do this; but that was definitely the fuel that drove Loki to keep kissing back.

They both breathed in deeply once they broke apart, fore heads leaning against the other’s. Loki liked this; it was like a bit of freedom from his family. He wasn’t under their control, and he would do what he wanted, even when it had been forbidden. _Yes_ , Loki thought, _I am definitely going to be seeing Christian Frost more often_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to write better. I'm on chapter 13 now and I feel like I've improved more; so bare with me, I know this chapter was written horribly. I just find it hard to get into my flow with chaptered fic, knowing that every chapter needs a reason for being written. 
> 
> Title quote by Charlotte Brontë.


	6. The schemers of this world eventually plot nothing but their own downfall

Loki couldn’t hide the smile that came to his face during dinner that night, so he didn’t even try to. He’d gone against his brother’s warning and wishes, and it felt _so_ good. What could Loki say, he was, somewhat, easily pleased. So much so that he had happily agreed to his mother’s asking to join the family at dinner. Loki just didn’t want to miss the chance to sit next to Balder while the touch of Christian Frost was still upon him. It’d probably be more amusing if Balder actually knew, but Loki was going to bide his time and wait it out for a while; maybe let Chris touch more of him so Balder would have more reason to be angry. Yes, that seemed like a great idea. Loki’s smirk widened at the thought.

“Does something amuse you Loki?” His smirk turned slightly into a grimace as his father’s voice reached his ears. There was of course Odin’s reaction to think about, surely Balder would not think twice about telling Thor, and Thor who does not process his thoughts before they escape his mouth will not find anything wrong with telling their father. But then again, would being disowned by his family really be such a bad thing? Loki will sort through the pros and cons before answering that question.

“I was simply remembering the conversation I had earlier on my outing with Wade and Tony,” he lied with ease.

“Really?” Balder asked, looking up from his food to eye Loki suspiciously; but then, what else was new, he was always suspicious of what Loki was really doing with his spare time these days. "What was the conversation about?"

“Wade is deluded,” he started after swallowing a mouthful of dinner, “he does not understand why somebody in my year doesn’t like him, and continues to insist he's a catch amongst everyone.” Loki didn’t mention who this someone was, again thinking of Thor and his mouth. He’d no doubt tell his friends and it’d get all around school, and a pissy Wade was the worst kind of Wade. Loki was really only thinking of his own mental health.

“Loki, why haven’t you got a girlfriend yet?” As the question left his father’s mouth Loki had to force the food he was currently swallowing down his throat. This was exactly why he hated attending family dinners.

 

When the name came up on his caller ID Loki practically flew at his phone, he’d been waiting for a text from Chris all evening. The amount of sighs that had emitted from him when it was just Emma or Parker who had text was immense, and when Wade had text again asking whether or not he was attractive Loki nearly threw his phone across the room. When the message showed up on his screen Loki didn’t know whether to grin or cringe, as Chris had asked Loki whether he wanted to come to a party next Friday. One: that was a whole six days away, and Loki didn’t think he’d be able to meet up with Chris sooner than that now without seeming clingy. Two: he knew fully well that Chris was a drug addict and addicts came in groups for supply reasons; so the chances of this party being full of off-their-face smack heads were pretty high. Loki did not like the thought of spending an evening with people like that. Though beggars couldn’t be choosers, and if Loki wanted to spend time with Chris to piss off his brother then he was going to have to take this opportunity while it still presented its self. Loki sent back a quick reply of agreement before setting his phone on his bedside table and falling back down on his bed.

Balder would be so mad when he found out. Then he’d see that Loki wasn’t a child that could be controlled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title Quote by Kaneda Chaplin


	7. The most fruitful and natural exercise for our minds is, in my opinion, conversation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Average school day for our black haired character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just another space filler, I don't want to be going from event to event, which is why I'll have pointless chapters. But I suppose this also give you an insight to Loki's friends and work time.

Loki spent an unusual amount of time Monday morning texting Christian, and even longer choosing an acceptable outfit, just in case they happened to see each other in the corridors. This was very unlikely; if Loki hadn’t realised before that Chris still went to their school because he hadn’t seen him around, then there was a very slim chance he was suddenly going to be seeing him everywhere now, and an even smaller chance that Chris would see him while he just so happened to be bending over. At this thought Loki stopped trying to find the right jeans that made his ass look desirable as he did such an action. He settled for a black button up t-shirt with a green tie to go with his school required black blazer, and a random pair of skinny black jeans. On the way out the house he pulled on his green, black and gold converse as well as his peacoat; it was still cold, he wasn’t risking his health just so he’d looked good; besides, his peacoat looked amazing on him.

Because he spent so long getting ready, Loki had to get a lift to school with Balder and Thor instead of catching a ride with Parker or walking with Victor, depending on how much time he had. If he left early he’d walk with Victor as he lived further away than Parker, who he’d catch a ride with when he was on time. Once they pulled into the school car park, Loki rushed out Balder’s car as quickly as he could to avoid people being aware that he’d arrived at school with them. This would have gone perfectly if Balder hadn’t started shouting after him, “are you embarrassed to be seen with family, Loki?” He didn’t bother to respond or look back at the giggling pair that he was somehow related to. “Come on Loki, we’re your brothers!”

“Don’t remind me,” Loki mumbled to himself as he finally slipped inside the school building and made his way to his locker. This is where he found his friends waiting for him, and he sighed happily at the sight of being in pleasant company again. The drive here may only have been twenty minutes, but Loki can’t stand his brothers’ meaningless chatter. Whether it was about Thor’s pinning over Jane Foster or some sport he didn’t care about; every syllable made the desire to tear the other Odinsons’ voice boxes out increase. Loki was just glad the ride ended before the urge took over him.

“You’re late,” were what Emma decided would be her first words to Loki that day, who in return dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “Does it have anything to do with the fact it looks like you made an increased effort for school today?” Loki made no effort to respond, instead set about the task of putting his English and Science books in his locker, knowing he wouldn’t need them for the first two lessons.

Loki only briefly got to speak to his friends before the bell for tutor rang, but it was hardly an inconvenience since they all shared the same lessons for the rest of the day anyway; in fact they shared all the same lessons everyday. With there being only 21 students in his sector of the year, and the fact that no one, _no one_ , associates with anyone other than who is in their side of the school. To Loki’s misfortune both Balder and Thor are in his side of the school, so he does see them still, but as Balder is two years above Loki, he sees quite a lot less of him than Thor.

As if Loki’s day could get any worse from the car ride with his air-head brothers, one of his air-head brother’s friends decided to sit down next to him again. Loki doesn’t give Tony the satisfaction of seeing his frustration so instead continues to stare ahead at the classroom door until the bell goes for him to be free. “Did you dress up just for me, star-shine? You shouldn’t have, you looked hot enough just the way you were, but now…wow. Still, I think you’d look better without clothes on.” Loki didn’t need to look in Tony’s direction to know he was aiming an all teeth, all arrogant smile at him. Where does he get off talking to Loki like that?

“I’ve been told that Christian Frost is bad company, but here you are thinking about how attractive I’d look naked, when those thoughts should be about your dear Potts,” he titled his head and gave his own smirk in Tony’s direction, but the other male’s own didn’t flatten.

“Is that a no to giving me any indication on whether I’m right then?” Loki narrowed his eyes at the older male, not liking where the conversation was going, not that he was enjoying it anyway.

“Heed my warning Anthony Stark, there is not even the slightest chance you’ll ever see me without coverage, and if you do, I will break each and every one one of your fingers, because the only way it’d happen is if you were spying on me. That would make me far from happy, Stark.” Turning back to the door, Loki could only hope he’d made his point, and by the lack of unnecessary remark coming from the other, he was positive he had.

Drama had been their first lesson of the day, as it always was on a Monday morning, and as always both Tony Masters and Mary-Jane Watson had stood out from the rest of them. Loki was good at drama, when he needed to be, and he needed to be a lot of the time. Whether he was hiding an emotion to avoid showing weakness, or portraying emotions he didn’t have when he’d be lying to his family. Yes, Loki could do expression. What he couldn’t do however, was deal with Victor von Doom and Reed Richard in the same group. In his group. Loki had no idea what Mr Longshot was thinking when he paired the three of them together, but he spent the best part of the lesson wishing his death would come painfully as Victor and Reed argued over what the best approach would be to act out a scene where they were grieving over someone’s death. It was not a difficult task.

Loki couldn’t be happier when second lesson finally came around, knowing that in the next class Victor and Reed sat on, more or less, opposite sides of the classroom, and not in each other's eye line. Yes, IT was just what he needed to calm his nerves ready for the rest of the day. Their teacher was Mr Alex Summers, and Loki was yet to decide whether he liked the man or not. Most everyone else in the class did, if only because his teaching consisted of handing them a unit to complete, and then letting them get to it with his feet propped up on his desk, doing…whatever it was that he does on his phone; this lasts about five weeks before he reviews the unit, gives it them back to complete further or gives them another one. What Loki failed to see is what they were learning from this, as most everyone in the class had basic IT skills to complete said units while talking about nothing to do with the topic at all. Much to his annoyance he shared this opinion with Reed who had become more vocal about it as the weeks past. So Loki kept his mouth shut.

Loki and his friends, plus three people he was being forced to stand, had the one side of the room to themselves. Loki was sat in the middle of Emma and Victor; his blonde haired company had Felicia Hardy and Mercedes Merced on her side, while Victor had Parker, Tony and Wade on his. Yes, Loki was quite content with the seating arrangement.

“I bet he’s talking to Mr Cassidy,” Mercedes piped up from her spot at the end of the row staring dew eyed, head in hand, across at Mr Summers.

“What made you come to that conclusion?” Loki’s favourite blonde asked; _is Emma still ahead of Christian in favoured blonde_ , Loki pondered to himself before deciding that yes, yes she is.

“Well, they’re always talking to each other, and Mr Summers even comes in art sometimes just to spend time with him,” Emma turned her head to Loki and rolled her eyes as Mercedes explanation spilled from her mouth.

“I’m sure they’re just friends, just like Professor Xavier and Professor Lensherr,” Loki offered but was soon met with Emma shaking her head at him mouthing ‘why?’. Mercedes spoke up soon after, and Loki knew exactly why he should have kept his mouth shut.

“Oh my god, as if you haven’t heard! Right, now Justin Hammer’s little sister’s older sister-“

“Why couldn’t she have just said Justin Hammer’s older sister?” Loki whispered to Emma as Mercedes became lost in her gossiping; there was no shutting her up now.

“-but that is so beside the point, and really my opinions don’t matter all that much in that view. So, what happened was Justine stayed behind late to finish off some of her work, and then she thought she’d go see Xavier about her Biology homework, and when she got there the two of them were having sex on his desk.” Once she’d finished, Loki lolled his head back to her from where it’d been tipped backwards starring at the ceiling waiting for her to shut her noise void. The whole story didn’t matter, if the source came from a sibling of Justin Hammer, it was most likely unreliable. 

After a twenty minute break came English, which was mostly uneventful. Emma swapped seats with Victor so he could no longer glare at Reed, since Emma’s head was now in his way. Loki was, now the seating had moved, sat opposite Victor, and Thanos Titan was sat to his left on their table of four. Their teacher for this lesson was Professor Murdock, who was blind, but his other senses were insane. In their first lesson with him Victor and Reed got into a full blown glaring contest with teeth bared, and were both slowly standing further and further up from their chairs. Even though Murdock couldn’t see, he was well aware what the two of them were doing, and soon sent them out of the classroom, with a “don’t you roll your eyes at me von Doom” as Victor walked past him. Matthew Murdock was quite impressive, and since then it’d become a competition to some in the class, mainly Tony, Wade and Harry, to cause as much trouble without being noticed. They hadn’t so much as been able to raise a hand so far without the teacher noticing, but that didn’t stop them from trying.

English was a double lesson, so once it was finished the five of them made their way to their usual spot in the dining room, a table that fits themselves and leaves enough room for guests they usually had, in a far corner. As it had been since the day he was turned down, Wade had become their main guest. A mutual groan was shared by Victor and Parker, as their guest made his way over. “Come on guys,” Tony tried to reason falling on unreasonable ears, “he’s not that bad, and he doesn’t have too many friends.”

“There’s an easy explanation for that, Masters,” Victor sneered back. He was in a bad mood, Loki knew he was in a bad mood; they weren’t best friends for nothing. But Loki also knew it was best not to confront Victor when he was like this, and it wasn’t the best idea when he was in good mood either, so nothing was said, and Tony also knew better than to argue with him.

“I have an idea to win the heart of my beloved!” The four of them glared at Tony, who smiled sheepishly back, as they were all forced into hearing Wade’s ‘master plan’.

Wade’s idea consisted of the Christmas dance, singing, swooning and for Loki’s sanity he’d blocked out the rest. It just so happened that Loki sat next to ‘Wade’s beloved’ in their next double lesson, science. They were sat on tables of threes in alphabetical order as per Miss Rappaccini’s orders. Loki liked her, she was strict and saw the importance in them doing as much work as possible to get the maximum learning achievement. Their science teacher had also complimented Loki on his clothing many times, which definitely helped in gaining Loki’s respect.

Once the task of writing a six marker answer on the job of enzymes had been given out, Loki thought he’d make good on his agreement to Wade and leaned forward to get a good view of Peter on the other side of Harry. As that was their seating plan, Loki Odinson, Harry Osborn, Peter Parker. “I’m supposed to inform you on how amazing Wade is and all the benefits of dating him,” Loki whispered, not trying at all to get the sarcastic tone from his voice.

“What are the benefits?” Harry inquired in Peter’s stead. It beyond annoyed Loki when Harry spoke for Peter like he didn’t have his own voice. It reminded him of Balder.

“I wasn’t informed of the details, but just know that if I really believed that Wade was a great person, I’d be lying so effectively you would consider accepting his proposal right now.” Loki bragged as he finished writing his two page answer on enzymes, not doubt Victor and Reed had more than double that amount. “As you can see though, I am making no such effort. Take that as a hint as to my feelings on Wade’s worthiness for you.” Peter smiled at him, and Loki returned the favour before turning back to the board ahead of them. Loki would be honest and say he liked Peter Parker, but not in a way that he understood Wade’s infatuation for the timid boy. Then again, Loki didn’t even understand the feelings that had recently come for his own-not-crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that my updates are slow, I forget mostly, and I refuse to post every chapter I've written straight away in case I change my mind on something later on and have to go back and fix it. I honestly don't mind you asking for quicker updates, it reminds me I have to update, so thank youu Gege+Qurban ^-^
> 
> Also, about the sides of the school thing, I felt the need to put in an explainer about why in total, I have only 71 students featured, though I am in no way including most of them in the story, it makes me feel better knowing they're in the background.
> 
> Title quote by Michel de Montaigne


	8. The nature of lies is to please. Truth has no concern for anyone's comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki interacts with his parents, and who am I kidding nothing happens! :D Enjoy

Loki and his friends didn’t share much, they kept their secrets to themselves and if another was acting weirdly it wasn’t brought to attention unless the person wanted it to. This tacit agreement had always been, and always would be. So when Loki phoned Victor to cover for him, it was unsurprising that Victor didn’t question why, only agreed to assist him when the time came.

So with his cover story all in place, Loki made his way downstairs to where his parents were both reading in silence within the front living room. Odin was sat in the arm chair nearest the door, reading a book on military tactics and his mother was curled up in the furthest corner from his father on their red cushioned sofa to the left of the armchair. Loki could care less about what she was reading and didn’t make any effort to figure out. Loki was forced to sit between the two of them on the opposite side of the sofa as his mother. There wasn’t a favourable option as to who to address his question to, either parent would demand answers or give a straight ‘no’. Loki decided not to pick and instead directed the question out in the open where either of them could decide Loki’s fate.

“I wish to spend the night round Victor’s on Friday,” Loki lied putting on his most pleasing voice he only used when asking for something from his parents.

“Why?” Was his father’s response, so it would seem he was in charge this time. Loki turned to him and smiled sweetly.

“Must there be a reason for me wanting to spend time with my best friend?” Odin only cocked an eyebrow in his direction, wanting Loki to elaborate further. Loki had prepared for this however. “This week is the anniversary of his mother’s death,” and Loki wasn’t lying; it was the reason Victor had been in such a foul mood, and the added effect of Reed Richards had been making it ten times worse, “I seek to comfort him in his time of need. With his father dead too, Victor has no one he can turn to, and with me being his best friend I must take up the responsibility.” Loki knew it was probably disrespectful to use Victor’s dead parents as a weapon against his own living ones, but he knew it’d get results, and it wasn’t like Victor was complaining.

“You have such a sweet heart Loki,” his mother said softly from behind him, and he turned around to smile sadly at her.

“I do what I can for him, even though it feels less than enough,” maybe Loki was pushing it a bit now but as his mother nodded, he knew he’d won, and that’s all that mattered.

“Fine,” Odin agreed, “but Balder will take you there, and will be picking you up at ten o’clock sharp the next morning. No excuses.”

Loki nodded in agreement before standing up to exit the room.“Thank you father, mother.”

As soon as Loki was in the confines of his room again his face split into a grin, as he picked up his phone from it’s usual place on his bed side table. He text Victor telling him all was well, and Balder would need to drop him off at his house tomorrow. Then he dialed Christian’s number and waited for the other to pick up.

“Hello, this is Christian Frost, man without action,” comes the muffled answer of the introduced, a common way that he answers the phoned. No doubt he’s still in bed with his face buried into the cushion. Loki makes good on an eye roll before replying.

“Good evening Frost, it’s nice to hear you’re still hanging onto life.”

“Loki!” Chris chimes brightly, suddenly more awake, and Loki feels no less than pride in causing that reaction. “Your parents letting you come to the party then?”

“Yes, I’ve managed to convince them.” Christian doesn’t need to know that his family would never allow him out of the house if they knew where he was going. “What time do you want me to meet you?”

“Nine, maybe, I won't be bothering with school, so I won't be up until the sun's gone down. Do you want me to pick you up?” It was no secret to Loki that Chris smoked too much, and took so many drugs he was surprised Chris was even able to stand most of the time; the reasoning Balder wanted him to stay as far away from the Frost son as was possible made perfect sense. Loki just didn’t care for the reasoning that came from either of his brothers’ head. Loki did care about dying in a car crash though.

“Christian, realise this, there will never be a time I will willing enter a car you are driving. So I will meet you at Rosten Lane at nine, if you are more than five minutes late, I am going home.” With that warning out the way, Loki hung up, grinning happily, an expression that was rare upon his pale face. He wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad effect that came from Christian. Loki certainly didn’t want to get attached; this was about irritating Balder, nothing more, wasn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, nothing happens and looking through my chapters I've realised there are a lot of them, and a lot of nothing with hints of something which is really helping to back up things in chapters further down the line. I've just written chapter 14 and it's just to back up what happens in my sequel. So, just bare with me for the moment, because trust me there is better stuff to come. For example I've just written a chapter for the middle of the story, I don't know why :), but it's pretty fucking awesome and that's coming from me. 
> 
> In response to Thanos in the last chapter; I like the idea of him and Loki being friends, but not exactly close friends. So Thanos, much like Peter Parker is Loki's friend who he talks to in class but outside makes no contact. I needed to bring Thanos in at some point because he's more involved in my sequel and I didn't just want him to appear then.
> 
> Title quote by Katherine Dunn


	9. Face your life; it’s pain, it’s pleasure, leave no path untaken.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party time!

As promised by their father, Balder did the job of driving Loki over to Victor’s at five o'clock the next day. With this leaving 4 hours before he was suppose to meet Christian, Loki was able to spend time with his best friend, therefore not entirely lying to his family, and have enough time to get changed into something a little more…appealing. He was made to dress down for the trip over to Victor’s, so as to not provoke Balder into questioning his attire and true intention of tonight. Instead the two had a one-sided conversation about anything Balder decided to discuss while Loki stared out the window head in hand, just waiting to be out of his brother’s company.

As the car pulled up outside Victor’s house Loki immediately went to yank the door open and escape, only to find he was unable. After lifting his gaze up from the door handle, Loki found the car’s childlock on. Turning around, the young Odinson was met with the older brother’s winning grin. “Not so easy to escape now, huh?” Loki refused to reply, instead crossed his arms and glared across at Balder. “Just reminding you that I’m picking you up at ten tomorrow. I’m putting a lot of trust in you Loki, I hope that comforting Victor is your only plan for tonight.” _Damn_ , Loki thought, _why is it that my brothers are only smart when I don't need them to be?_

“Where else would I be, dear brother? What trickery am I pulling on you this time?” Loki asked exasperated.

“All I will say is that I overheard Christian and his friends speaking of a party tonight. Do not blame me brother for being slightly suspicious that you just so happened to being going out on the same night.”

Loki was fuming, despite Balder’s suspicions being correct they shouldn’t be there in the first place. “Yes, what a coincidence that Victor’s mother’s _death_ just so happens to fall on the same week Christian Frost and his friends just so happen to be having a party. This _clearly_ shows that I am fucking Frost without your consent, which for some reason I must need now to do anything with anyone! Do you not see how stupid your reasonings are, brother? Now let me out the damn car!” Balder did as told, and Loki slammed the door shut as hard as possible once exited. Loki pondered whether he had any right to be angry at Balder. But then he remembered that Balder was only trying to control him and masking it as brotherly protection. Gods, Loki hated him.

Loki didn’t let his face of irritation drop even as his best friend opened the door, but Victor motioned for him to come in without saying a word. The black haired male made a beeline for the living room, and flopped down on the couch. Loki leaned back and closed his eyes. Why was everything so comfy in the von Doom residence? When he opened his eyes again, he saw Victor scowling into the book he was reading on Julius Caesar. Loki wanted to ask what the matter was, but that’s not how their relationship worked. He kept his mouth shut and adverted his gaze. If Victor wanted to talk to him then he would… and he did.

“Richards was showing off in the lab today. He was over my shoulder every five minutes telling me my calculations could use some work,” his scowl deepened after the brief explanation.

“He’s an asshole,” Loki muttered, forming a frown of his own.

“I knew my calculations needed some work, I’d only just written them down. With time I would have worked it out,” Victor continued to growl, closing his book and throwing it onto the glass coffee table.

Loki reached over to rub his best friend’s tense arm. “Want a massage?”

That’s how Loki spent his time for the rest of the evening, or until 8 o’clock. Victor was hunched over in between Loki’s legs, hissing hatred to his enemies while Loki worked his hands into the other’s back. Then Loki got ready for his date/not date; he showered, gelled his black hair back again, and then proceeded to stand in front of the mirror for twenty minutes. The outfit was reasonably simple, a black with green lining v-neck t-shirt, leather jacket that he rarely wore, and very black very skinny jeans. Maybe there was a little too much black to his attire, but it was suppose to be an attractive colour.

“I’ll be back later!” Loki called into the house on his way out the door, with a muffled ‘bye’ reaching his ears in reply. He zipped up his jacket after he was quickly assaulted by the cold; perhaps not choosing to wear his normal peacoat was a bad idea. When he reached the meet up point, all thoughts of the freezing cold were forgotten as Christian grinned at the sight of him. Loki smirked back.

Their walk to the party was a short one, not that Loki noticed, he was too caught up in his conversation. They mainly spoke about what they were doing at school, but it wasn’t like Loki had the chance to really speak about his school life with anyone else. All of his friends were in _all_ his classes, he’d only be telling them stuff they were already well aware of. Much to Loki’s relief the party wasn’t overly crowded, but the people that were there, were very, very high. As soon as they were through the threshold this became apparent and Loki turned to the older male, eyebrows raised. The blonde simply chuckled in response, grabbed the younger’s hand and dragged him into the kitchen.

Once Loki had drank enough to no longer feel foolish, he allowed Chris to pull him into the mass of bodies dancing, which was really hardly anything more than jumping up and down and some hip swaying. Loki found himself grinning.

The party was basically over by the time Loki fell back onto the sofa giggling, following by similar reacting Frost son. Neither had any idea what time it was, neither cared. Chris had smoked a lot this evening, had even offered it to Loki a couple of times who continued to declined, sticking to whatever alcoholic drink was being pushed into his hands at the time. The giggling pair were now the only ones in the room, apart from a few bodies that had passed out on the floor. Loki pulled his legs up onto the older boy’s lap and smiled fondly at him in his drunken state.

They stared at each other for a long time before Chris opened his legs and crawled between; hovering over Loki’s laid out form. The younger didn’t complain, only wrapped his slender pale arms around the older’s neck. His jacket had been lost long ago. Eye contact wasn’t broken between the two until the blonde leaned down the press their lips together.

Loki sighs lazily into the mouth moving drunkenly against his own. When the body above him grinds his hips down upon his own, a gasp of shock is drawn from the younger boy. It’s not long before Loki is pushing his own hips up looking for more friction. Moans of pleasure leave both the boys each time their lower bodies meet.  
The black haired male throws his head back, leaving his pale neck exposed to be assaulted by the other’s mouth. Loki digs his fingers in Chris’s blonde hair, gasping for air.  
With a hissed curse, Loki climates and it’s not long before the one above him follows suit.

They simultaneously pant gently as one collapses on top of the other, not that either minds. Loki smiles lazily as he cards his fingers through the blonde locks. Right now he doesn’t care about getting back at Balder. He doesn’t much care about anything other than the older male passed out on top of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may not seem like it, but there is a lot of meaning in this chapter to help me progress into the next stage. I’m only saying this because I showed it to a friend who bitched about Balder not appearing dressed as a Ghostbuster and kicking the door down. You may also be disappointed, but there is plenty of time for Balder to form a secret Save Loki group, wearing jumpsuits :)  
> Also, sorry for my badly written sex scene, I’m not very good at them ^-^ You may have been hoping for actually sex, but Loki is a delicate flower, don't rush him.
> 
> Title Quote by Neil Gaiman


	10. The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's thoughts continue to betray him

Loki slowly blinked his eyes open, only to be hit by a blinding light. He quickly closed them again and groaned loudly, turning his head to face the other direction while he pulled together random thoughts to make something more coherent. He was currently lying comfortably on his front, one arm hanging over the side of the -Loki peaked an eye open to see what he was lying on, the light not so blinding this side, it appeared to be a couch. So far so good. With a wiggle of his body so he could stretch his stiff muscles he was met by an uncomfortable feeling in his pants. This caused his eyes to shoot open, evil light or not. Had he spunked in his pants while he was asleep? He wasn’t even in the safety of his room. Wait, why wasn’t he in his room? Loki turned his head back over, taking in his surrounding. This definitely wasn’t his house.

 _Party!_ His mind shouted to him, while his mouth formed an ‘oh’ shape. That was right, Loki went to a party with…uh; his gaze fell off the side of the couch and onto the body passed out next to it, Chris Frost! They had drank and danced, and… _that’s why my pants are uncomfortable_. The pale male let out a sigh of relief, his body hadn’t just betrayed him in the night.

Night? Loki took in the now dimmed light. Morning? Wasn’t he suppose be back at Victor’s? Long, thin hands felt around his trousers in search for his phone. 9:40 the screen read. Balder was picking him up at…10? Yes, 10. “Shit,” Loki cursed before reaching over to shake the unconscious older male. “Chris!” he hissed.

The other groaned and brought his hands to his face. “What time is it?”

“Nearly 10, I have to go now; or Balder will know I was here and kick both our ass.” Loki pushed himself off the couch, much like the older did to the floor.

“You want me to drive you?” Christian asked as he stumbled on his feet. Was that such a good idea? Balder would be less mad at him for the lying and party going if Loki died in a car crash.

“Did you even bring your car?”

“No, but I can borrow Chase’s, he’ll never even know,” as this was said Chris bent over one of the other passed out bodies and pulled out the keys from his pocket, before flashing Loki a lazy grin.

Loki phoned Victor on the way there-whom was already up, not that it was a surprise-and told him to stall Balder if they got there late. Victor agreed. Chris dropped him off in one piece at the back of the von Doom household, where Loki could sneak in through the back. Loki quietly closed the back door as he heard Victor’s voice coming from the front. “I told you he’s in the shower.” Perfect. Although that did mean Loki was going to have to go in the shower to make it seem more believable; but that did give him chance to get rid of the not so suitable smell coming off him. If he went to Balder like this, he’d defiantly know he’d been somewhere he shouldn’t.

“Are you not even going to invite me in to wait?”

“No,” then the front door shut, while Loki was midway on the stairs.

“You’re the best Victor,” he whispered down as his best friend came into view.

“I hate your brother,” well, that made two of them.

It couldn’t be said that Loki was as quick as he could in the shower, because he wasn’t, not in the slightest. If anything he drew the time under the spray out for as long as he could, as like most everything in Victor von Doom’s house, it was magnificent. It was 10:30 when Loki came out the house in a clean set of clothes, thanking and waving goodbye to Victor. Balder was not impressed, and that thought was voiced by the holder. “That may be so, but Victor’s shower is most impressive.”

“Did you have a good night?” The Odinsons’ mother asked as he stepped into the kitchen. Loki couldn’t actually remember a lot of what happened last night, but he remembered feeling happy, free even to an extent. The only real evidence he had that he and Chris had done something…pleasing, was the mess in his pants and a fussy memory of Chris above him and the pair kissing. Frigga Borson did not need to know that.

“It was good,” he said instead shoving last night’s clothes in the washing machine. “Victor mostly ranted about Reed, while I gave him a back massage.” Loki came and leaned on the counter beside where his mother was mixing and smiling lovingly at him.

“You are a good boy, Loki,” Frigga kissed her son’s head, which swam with less loving thoughts.

 _She would not say that if she knew_ , Loki grumbled to himself. _She would not care if she knew; she would not love her youngest son if she knew. She would be disgusted by the fact her son had spent the night climaxing against another boy_. Despite his thoughts, Loki could not find it in himself to care. This was who he was, even if his family would hate him for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, but to quote Chuck "Writing is hard".
> 
> Title quote by Marcus Aurelius


	11. One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki hates the Avengers

Loki was far from happy the next morning, which wasn’t an uncommon state for the teenager. Waking up had been near perfect, there was no sun glare in his eyes, he didn’t have to get up early as it was a Sunday, and his phone lit up with a message from Christian wishing him a good morning. Well, it read ‘Ghopf Mornigg’, but Loki wasn’t complaining-apart from sending a message back saying ‘Make sure you’re coherent enough to press the right keys before messaging me again.’ It was December 11th and Loki, Emma and Parker had made plans to go out later in the day to start on their Christmas shopping. Loki and Parker had since children made it a competition to buy their friends the better gift, so he was happy to go out, mind set on finding the best Christmas presents this year.

Barley clothed -thin green t-shirt, and gold boxers- and black hair completely askew; the young teen had walked down the stairs for his somewhat cheerful mood to take a 180 spin. Sat at the island of his family’s Kitchen, were eight people he wished never to exist in the first place. Loki hoped they’d die painfully. “Nice outfit, Lolly,” Clint Barton laughed at him, and Loki snared back, his mind making an image of the other boy bursting into flames.

“Loki, you should really put more clothes on,” Balder suggested, and was that a hint of disappointment in his voice? As if Loki wanted this situation to happen!

“Thank you for your input Balder, maybe next time you should really warn me before you invite people in my home at 8 o’clock in the morning when I am allowed to walk around in whatever I please,” he hissed back, getting a lot of ‘oh!’ and ‘snap’ in reply from the insufferable crowd of people, while he angrily yanked the fridge door open. Not bothering to grab a glass, Loki took the orange juice carton from the fridge and drank from it whilst leaning on the counter, letting his eyes scan the horrid people before him.

There was of course Clint, his worst enemy if he had to choose one; he was unbearable to be around, being the main one of Thor’s band of friends to pick on him.  
Natasha Romanov was sat next to him, but then she was never too far away, the two were best friends. _Just_ best friends as far as he was aware; Clint had a girlfriend, Bobbi Morse and he’s pretty sure Natasha’s got a thing going on with Bucky Barnes, a boy two years older than her -not that Loki could say anything given the age difference between him and Chris- who lived with Steve Rogers.   
He was sat at the other end of the table; Rogers claimed to be noble, to have a hatred for bullies, but he never helped Loki when _his friends_ were picking on the younger boy.  
Bruce Banner sat in between Clint and Rogers, always timid, always Loki’s favourite. A much younger version of Loki would sit next to Bruce and look at the words he could never understand in the older boy’s science book. That would be until the others came and pushed Loki away; Bruce never stopped them, only sent him a sorry smile; a smile he never sent Loki anymore.  
On the other side of Rogers sat Tony Stark, Loki had seen enough of him over the week in tutor to last him a lifetime. Tony was holding an uncomfortable looking Pepper Potts on his lap. Loki didn’t know much about Pepper, but if she was willing to date Tony, Loki knew he wouldn’t like her.  
Then there was Jane Foster, the woman his older brother, Thor, was love sick over. Loki had never seen her in the house before, only ever around school. They’d never had a conversation, but he guessed if Thor liked her, Loki should give her a chance. Then again, Thor liked his friends who overly hated Loki, the feeling being mutual; so maybe not.

“What are they all doing here?” Loki snapped, eyes glaring at Thor who smiled sheepishly back. It reminded him of _his_ Tony, and how he was putting the presents of Wade on him all the time. Loki couldn’t be mad at Tony though unlike the way he currently was with Thor.

“I know you’re happy to see us really, Tinkerbell,” Loki’s grip tighten on the juice carton still in hand as Stark answered in Thor’s stead. “Can I just say that no matter what the Hawk says, you do look very good in that outfit,” Pepper turned around and scowled at her boyfriend, just as Loki did the same. Maybe he could like her after all.

“Fuck. Off.”

“Loki, don’t use that sort of language,” Frigga’s youngest son huffed at the sound of her voice, though she just dismissed it and came up to rub her son’s tense shoulders. “What time are you going out today?” Loki glared at the smiles now being sent his way as his mother cooed over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said the story is set in America, but I’m from England, so it’s just easier for me to say pound instead of dollar, which I don’t know how works. Where they live doesn’t have anything to do with the plot either, it just seemed like the best option as that’s where most Marvel characters live.
> 
> I know, nothing really happens, but I felt like I didn't introduce The Avengers very well in the one-shot, so here's another bad glimpse. I am also sorry for not having Balder find out about Chris in the last chapter, it was going to be then, and they I had a better idea! I'm in the middle of writing it now, so just bear with me with the small empty chapters. 
> 
> Title Quote by Michael J.Fox.


	12. Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki spends time with Chris

“What are you doing?” Christian asked from where he was laying at the foot of his bed. Loki had somewhat reluctantly- though quite happily- come round to see Chris after school at the house he was currently staying at, his friend Nico Minoru's.

Loki peered over his green laptop as he replied, “I’m looking for a present for my mother,” before searching again on the website his interest was caught by. The younger boy had managed to get a few gifts yesterday, one each for Victor and Tony, and some not even half hearted gift for his father. Loki knew exactly what he wanted for Emma and Parker and ordered them last night after he returned from town with the two. His mother and brothers were seemly more difficult to buy for. “Have you gotten anything for Emma?”

Chris took another puff on his cancer stick, “I need to find something that my parents will hate…and in white.” Because of course, white was the only colour his sister ever wore.

“She was looking at these white thigh high boots yesterday,” Loki offered not looking up from his screen, so missing the beaming smile the Frost son gave him.

“That is fucking perfect, we need to buy them, like now! No, not now, maybe tomorrow; what are you doing tomorrow?”

The back haired male huffed as his own present search continued fruitlessly, “I’m at school, and so are you. I suppose we could go afterwards if you really wanted.” Chris hummed in agreement, before crawling up the bed to give Loki a kiss before flopping down drunkenly next to him. “What would I write on personalised chocolates?” He quizzed to himself, “’Oh please mother love me more than Balder and Thor!’”

“Don’t think you’d have enough chocolates for that,” the other muttered thoughtfully. He was right, 41 letters were too many for 33 chocolates. “How about ‘You’re a bitch, love me too’?” Loki counted the letters on his fingers.

Loki hummed once he worked out the math, “21, that could work.” Was insulting his mother on Christmas really the best idea? What if she refused to give Loki his own gifts afterwards? “Maybe I’ll just put ‘Mother, Merry Xmas, Love Loki’.”

As the younger of the two entered the details of his gift, the older started drawing his fingers up and down the other’s arm. Loki took no notice, not until the fingers turned to lips making there way up his shoulder and onto his neck. Loki hummed as something started to stir in his lower region. The laptop was deposited on the floor, lips met and hands roamed upon the opposite’s body. Chris’s leg was draped across Loki thigh. When the older moved his hips against the younger’s, Loki felt a jolt of pleasure shoot through his body.

 

“Loki, you have still yet to get a girlfriend.” The fork in his hand stopped mid air, as he turned to look at his father. “I couldn’t help but notice that Balder is in a nice relationship with the lovely Sif, and Thor has his sights set on Miss Foster,” both of the mentioned boys smiled proudly at their father as Loki moved his fork down onto his plate, “so why do you continue to be my only son without one?”

“In all honesty father, I am only 15, I need not let my thoughts dwell on relationships. I am quite happy with my life the way it is, no romantic interest involved,” he lied, of course he lied. Loki was not going to come out during a family dinner. The thought of telling his family his sexual interests had crossed his mind a few times since engaging with Chris Frost, but he could only think of the negative outcomes, the what ifs that clouded his mind. It was better they were in the dark, at least for the time being.

Odin opened his mouth, but his mother got there first, “that is very responsible of you Loki, of course you don’t need a girlfriend yet, you still have much life ahead of you.” Mother and son smiled at one another, and Loki felt comfortable enough to continue eating again as Frigga changed the subject to asking Thor about Jane.

Loki would tell them about his interests, about why he had no girlfriend, and why he was never going to. For now however he was quite content on having this, whatever it was that he was doing with Chris, and keeping his family out of his business. He would tell them, and then they’d disown him; Loki knew they would, his mind told him so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update was so late, my laptop is broken. But I've come to some agreement about stealing my mom's laptop battery so everything is good, but updates will still be slow. 
> 
> Title Quote by Dan Brown


	13. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is very blind to the happiness that anyone other than Christian Frost gives him.

Loki was looking forward to the Christmas Holidays, only four days to go, if counting today. Winter was his favourite season; sure it was too cold, and there was always that fear of slipping on the ice and embarrassing yourself in front of the whole school, but Loki loved the atmosphere. The pale white sky that poured snowflakes down ready to blend into the already white ground; snowflakes that were so unpredictable, one minute floating gracefully, and then the next twirled angrily against the wind. Watching the chilly scene through the window of his warm bedroom, just boiled cup of tea in hand, Loki felt nothing but peace wash over him.

Of course it couldn’t last forever, just like his mother reminded him, “if you don’t get a move on you’re going to be late and have to catch a ride with your brothers,” and Loki certainly wasn’t doing that again. So he peeled himself away from the window ledge he’d been sitting on, grabbed his blazer and school bag and went to drop off his mug in the kitchen sink. “Mom, I’m going out with Victor after school,” was he? No, he wasn’t. Loki was going out with Christian, but no one needed to know that.

“Where are you going, honey?” Frigga’s sweet voice replied as Loki shrugged on his blazer.

“Christmas shopping,” he smiled as his mother started straightening his collar, “any idea what Balder and Thor will want?”

Frigga hummed thoughtful as she tucked her youngest son’s ebony locks behind his ears. “Get Thor a new football, he still hasn’t got a replacement for the one he lost. Balder will be happy with funny looking socks, you know he’s easily amused.”

“Seriously mom, how many times did you really drop them on their heads?” Loki remarked getting a playful smack on the arm.

“You know both your brothers are smart,” the younger huffed a laugh as he picked up his school bag, “in their own way.” Frigga smiled at her youngest as he made his way out the house, soon to be met with the oldests’ confused faces. Maybe she did knock their heads once or twice.

Loki was smiling when he arrived at school that morning, which was odd to say the least; even Parker was eyeing him weirdly. “What has gotten into you?” He asked as soon as the two exited the car; Loki shrugged. It could be because he was seeing Chris tonight, or maybe it was his mother’s half agreement on Balder and Thor being less intelligent compared to him. Either way, the day was off to a great start, not even a conversation with Tony Stark would dampen his spirits. “If anything you look even prettier when you’re happy Tinkerbell,” Loki’s grin only widened.

“I know for a fact your girlfriend isn’t happy when you compliment me.”

“No, she isn’t; but Pepper should know that’s just what I’m like by now,” Tony smiled back. There was just no getting to this guy. Yet.

“You know, there’s some sort of saying, ‘if a guy doesn’t have eyes only for you, he’s not worth keeping’. I wonder how long it’ll be before Pepper works this out?” Loki questioned thoughtfully, positive he saw a glimpse of irritation cross Stark’s eyes, and Loki knew he’d hit a nerve.

“Well Snow White, why don’t you come back to me with your advice when you actually have a relationship. You know, there’s another saying, ‘you can’t teach what you have not learnt’.”

Loki leaned closer to Tony, “who’s to say I’m not already in one?” Loki smirked and moved back fully into his seat, ignoring all the questions Tony threw at him.

Loki was aware that really he and Christian were in fact not dating, which was probably for the best. Having slight sexual encounters with the older male was fine, but putting a committed label on that was out of the question. Though Loki did not object when Chris held his hand as they made their way around the shops later that day. Holding hands, does not mean dating, despite what on-lookers may have thought; and luckily none of those on-lookers were people they knew, who could easily have relayed the message back to either Balder or Emma.

“So where are these slut boots then?” Loki turned to smirk at the man dragging him round the shops.

“Slut boots?” The younger laughed, pointing out the shop the items were held.

“Yeah, I’ve only ever seen thigh high boots in underwear adverts.”

“Lady Gaga wears them!” Loki exclaimed in indignation as they reached the shop.

“How does that not prove my point?”

“The woman’s a national treasure.” Once they reached the objects of Emma Frost’s desires her older brother finally lets go of Loki’s hand. He sort of missed the warmth of the other.

“Says the Englishman.” Loki rolled his eyes, not living in England since he was three, he’s practically American now. Not mention Emma’s family also comes from England, moving over two years after he had.

“Whatever; your sister is going to be wearing them now, so you can’t say ‘slut boots’.” As Chris turned the boots over in his hands Loki couldn’t help but think they were pretty slutty.

“She is a slut! Don’t look at me like that, she is.”

“Emma’s 15, Chris.”

“Emma slept with Mr Summers, didn’t she?” The older boy laughed at the way the green eyes widened. “She never told you?”

“We don’t share things,” and Loki was really damning that rule right now, “and we’re talking about the Year 12 English teacher right? The one that’s _married_ to the Psychology teacher?” Chris nodded.

“I told you these boots were for sluts, and my sister really wants them apparently.”

Loki laughed. It was weird to think he was laughing a lot more recently. Even stranger that Christian Frost, the guy his older brother had told him was best to stay away from, was the cause. The younger smiled and grabbed hold of the elder’s hand again. Christian made him happy, in a way his family never would. Though he wasn’t doing this for the warm feeling he felt in the pit of his stomach, or the smile that was being plastered on his face. Loki was doing this to get back at his family. Or at least, that _was_ what he was doing. Now looking down at their entwined hands, he’s not so sure that’s the only reason he’s with the older male.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think I have to clarify when I say Mr Summers is not their IT teacher Alex Summers, rather Scott Summers. I hadn’t even realised I had two Mr Summers until this chapter.  
> Also, I called Lady Gaga a national treasure, and my friend told me that since I was English I couldn’t call her that, and instead made me say international treasure. Which is why that’s mentioned.
> 
> Title Quote by Martin Luther King


	14. The future is uncertain but the end is always near.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spending a little time with The Cabal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news, I've moved all my work over to my mother's laptop and I can write again! Bad news, she doesn't have any type of Office Program, so I'm stuck to writing the story up on Notepad...I don't know how people survived without Mircosoft Word.

The Cabal are known for being a close net group, sort of closed off from the rest of their side of the school, Sector 6, or whole school in fact. This of course was complete bullshit. They were not anti-social; they just hated a lot of people and stuck by each other. For example, Loki was friends with Peter Parker and Thanos Titan because he was a very sociable person, but he hated Reed Richards with a burning passion because if one member hated you, all the rest followed. Despite their sociable nature however, they were tonight proving everyone’s suspicions correct by not attending The Christmas Dance because…well let’s just say they didn’t like to venture too far into their side of the school.

So while most other people went to Sector 6’s Christmas Dance, The Cabal went round Victor’s house and watched crappy Christmas movies. They’d been to Christmas dances previous and were not impressed, actually Loki remembers being thrown up on by Darcy Lewis last year. Needless to say they’re not going anymore. There was of course the fact that neither Emma, Victor or Parker wanted to witness Wade’s ‘master plan’ in action, which was set to go off with a bang tonight. Loki had spoken to one of Chris’s friends, Gertrude Yorkes, who promised to record it for him; because if you know Loki, you know he likes to laugh at people’s misfortunes.

That’s what he was doing right now actually, sat side ways on the sofa with Victor in between his legs, back to chest. Emma was at the other end of them, Parker was lying on the floor and Tony on the sofa to his left. After two Tim Burton films, and probably too much popcorn, they were now enjoying Urban Legend. Not a Christmas movie, but a bad movie nonetheless. “I actually think that’s a very clever way to kill someone,” Victor muttered, causing a small smile on Loki’s face as he continued carding his fingers through the man’s brown hair.

“‘Somebody killed him!’” Tony mimicked in a girly voice, “no bitch, you killed him.” Loki and Parker laughed as Tony did also like a cliché villain.

“Don’t you think she’s a terrible actress? I swear I’m only watching this because of Jared Leto,” Emma moans once they’ve settled down.

Victor hums in disinterest, “I think he should stay out of sight in my radio instead of viewed on my TV.”

“You’re a fan of 30 Seconds to Mars?” Parker jokes, giggling lightly when Victor in turn glares at him.

 

“Out of all of us who do you think would most likely turn into a crazy killer?” Loki asked absently tugging a little harder on Victor’s hair.

“After several seconds of consideration, I vote Vicky,” Tony answered almost instantly, earning an ‘agreed’ from Parker.

Parker rolls onto his back as the credits start, “I think he’d killed Wade and Tony first as his irritation takes over, this gains him a blood lust and all he can think about is the gushing red; it’s not long before he moves onto the Fantastic Four to satisfy it, then making off with the rest of us; apart from Loki,” Tony and Emma hum in agreement while Loki’s left asking why he’s granted his life? “Because you two are overly close.” Parker shrugs as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Instead he’ll have you be his trophy wife, you two will be the only ones to know of his…homicidal tendencies,” Tony piped up.

“And what would be my method of murder?” Victor questioned indifferent to the accusations.

“Drug them. Then carve them open while they’re still alive,” Emma answered after a short pause, voice unwavering.

“Then you’ll both have sex in the blood,” Tony concludes with a smile and a nod. Loki furrowed his eyebrows, not completely sure why they were thinking about himself and Victor in that manner. The Cabal were also known for being quite strange… Loki wasn’t even going to bother forming an argument for that right now. Instead, he was changing the subject.

“Tell me Emma, how did you and Mr Summer’s have sex?” Loki’s smirk only widened as Emma’s eyes grow to the size of dinner plates.

“H-how did you-?“

“Let’s just say I heard through a reliable source,” Loki stated cheekily. The room turned to silence as everyone stared at Emma expectantly.

The blonde sighed exasperated. “Fine, I thought he was cute so I started having extra English lessons with him, and after that it really wasn’t that hard to start an affair. Men are weak.”

“Did you do it on his desk?” Tony asked waggling his eyebrows lightening the mood slightly.

Emma smiled, “we _only_ did it on his desk, Masters.”

“This is why you’re my favourite slut Em’,” Loki laughed, everyone else joining in.

That was until the knock on the door came. “Who the fuck is making house calls at,” Parker craned his neck to see the time, “oh, it’s only 9, never mind.” After electing Tony to answer the door, in strolled everyone’s favourite extra.

“It didn’t work! Peter wasn’t moved by my singing. My life is over,” Wade, yes the ever lovable Wade Wilson, sighed flopping down onto the couch Tony had exited.

Loki could feel Victor tense between his legs. “How does he even know where I live?” He mutters angrily, while Loki tries to lower his irritation levels by rubbing his arm.

“Then Harry punched me,” Wade sniffled as Tony comes in to sit now next to Parker who glares disapprovingly at him.

“Well, I suppose that’s one more on my list of who I won’t be killing.”

“What happened, Wade?” Emma asked in a cloudy kindness. Wade seemed to perk up at the inquiry.

“The night was going as it should, music and dancing! Then I got on stage to sing a song for my beloved. As soon as I was done I jumped down and ran over to Peter to take his hand... and Harry punched me! I was in the nurse’s office waiting for the bleeding to stop for half an hour,” Wade complained, sighing softly once he was done

“What song did you sing?” Questioned Loki, furrowing his eyebrows, what song could he have sang to warrant a punch in the face…then again it was Wade, you don’t need an _actual_ reason to punch him in the face.

“A Little Less Conversation, by Elvis Presley,” and the room is silenced, because what the fuck? “I replaced the word ‘baby’ with Peter.”

“How the fuck did you think that was even going to work?” Exclaims Tony as Parker mutters “retard”. Loki can’t help but let out a glum sigh.

The future isn’t looking great for them. Emma’s a slut that has sex with teachers and surely that isn’t going to end well; Wade’s simply an idiot who’s going to get himself killed for his stupidity or purely opening his mouth, and Victor’s probably the one who will be his executioner; hell if Parker’s theory’s correct all but one of them is going to die by his hand. Then Loki’s practically going to be married to a mafia boss or something. His future could be worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wade’s song choice; I was looking for one and Less Conversation popped up, I listened to it, tried to picture Wade singing and didn’t stop laughing for five minutes; that’s why he’s singing it. It’s highly inappropriate to sing that to poor innocent Peter Parker, he’s a delicate flower!
> 
> Two Points:  
> 1\. I don't care what you say, Urban Lengend is a terrible movie, it's down there with Batman and Robin. But that doesn't stop me watching them all the time :)  
> 2\. I love Jared Leto as an actor and singer and 30 Seconds to Mars is one of my favourite bands; but I can’t be biased, so someone has to hate them while someone else likes them.
> 
> Last thing; someone has to write a story where Victor is a mafia boss and Loki is his ‘wife’. I would but I stuck at action…and writing. If you know of a story like this Oh My Days tell me now! 
> 
> Title Quote by Jim Morrison


	15. I like less than half of you, half as well as you deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Thor bake!

Now they’d split up for the Christmas Holidays Loki was at a lost, as was he most every time the school split up for a holiday. Without having to write the date in his book everyday he found himself constantly trying to figure out what day it was; today, after several moments of thought, turned out to be the 23rd December, six days after breaking up and 2 days till Christmas. Loki had been out recently to do his last bits of Christmas shopping with Victor who had yet to start. Loki brought a present for Chris, having an extra one in mind too, while Victor bitched about celebrating Christmas at all. Tony and Victor were suppose to be attending Christmas dinner with Parker’s family, since neither had their own, and Loki and Emma’s family refused to have them; despite Loki’s mother offering to have Tony Stark round this year. Much to Loki’s dismay Tony accepted the offer. Loki was in the right mind to just dismiss his family and have dinner with Parker’s instead, but his mother was an excellent cook and he wasn’t going to miss out on that just because she preferred Thor’s friends to his.  

Loki was busy wrapping up Christian’s present in blue paper when Thor popped his head round the door. The male had to school his face to a neutral expression instead of the out right glare he really wanted to use. There was a long moment of silence where the two boys stared at each other; Loki sat cross legged on the floor and Thor’s head floating in the doorway. “Is there something you want?” Loki snapped breaking the silence. Then finally, Thor opened the door wider and stepped through the threshold.

“Can you help me bake a cake?” The older blonde boomed happily, and really Loki couldn’t find it in him to say no. Balder and Loki’s relationship may be strained by the older brother’s protective instincts, but Thor and Loki had always been close. It may come as a surprise because most of the time Loki acts like he hates him; but that’s only because of his friends, mainly. Thor may not of stood up for Loki whenever his friends picked on him, but Loki knows Thor’s dim and rather blind to this sort of thing, so he doesn’t mind as much as he feels he should.  

“Why are you making a cake anyway?” Loki asked as they came down the stairs and into the kitchen, where everything was already messily laid out.

“I didn’t know what to get mom and dad for Christmas, and everyone likes cake,” the beaming, proud smile on Thor’s face was what put a stop to the reply on the tip of Loki’s tongue. His older brother didn’t need to know that their father hated sweet treats and mother liked only fruit cake, which from the looks of the ingredients, Thor wasn’t planning to make. So with his mouth kept shut, Loki instead smiled warmly. No doubt Thor and Balder will do most of the eating anyway. 

Another thing that should seem pretty obvious by now, is that Thor basically still has the mind of a child. Really? No, but that’s what Loki likes to tell people, it’s somehow more dignified for him than simply saying Thor’s less intelligent. Mercedes still believes his lie and still talks to Thor like a five year old, not that the older male even notices or cares. Now, however, is one of those times when Loki’s rumours seem correct. It’s clear from the start that Thor has no idea what he’s doing, and the two end up arguing over what ingredient they should add next. Then, thanks to Thor, flour gets everywhere, and while mixing he ends up getting batter all down Loki’s top. In retaliation Loki cracks an egg on his head. What? Loki’s 15, he’s allowed to act childish. “Thor!” Loki screeches, giggling all the while as Thor rubs his head on Loki’s face .

“How else am I supposed to clean my hair?” Loki only laughs as he finally manages to push his older brother away. After that, making mess doesn’t matter to them, if anything they start making more until they finally get the cake batter into the oven. Flour and sugar fights may have been the main cause of the mess. Who’s going to know though, as they get to work on cleaning; Loki doing the work top as Thor sweeps and mops the floor.  

“How are you going to decorate the cake?” Loki questions as he pulls cake decorating bits and bobs out of the cupboards. For people who don’t like cake there’s an awful lot of decorations for one.

“I was thinking blue and gold icing,” Thor replies from his place on the floor, and Loki questions the colour scheme to himself, before just going for it and asking Thor why on earth he chose them. “Well, it’s a Christmas cake, and mom and dad’s favourite colour is gold,” Thor explains as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Okay, well we can do that,” and when Loki says ‘we’ he means ‘I’, because Thor will do it wrong, Loki knows he’ll do it wrong. It shouldn’t matter to Loki since it’s Thor’s gift, but if he’s doing something, important or not, he’ll do it to the best of his ability. Suddenly Thor asking for his help makes so much sense. So once the cakes are done, Loki covers it in blue icing with a gold banner, and then hands it over to his older brother to add glitter and white chocolate drops.  

Loki’s just washing up when Balder comes through the door. “What have you two been doing?”  The eldest Odinson asks noticing egg shell in Thor’s hair and Loki covered in cake batter and flour.

“What does it look like we’ve been doing?” Loki asks angrily, waving a soapy hand over to where Thor is decorating peaceful.

“Well, it looks like there was an explosion with the cake machine,” Balder laughs sitting down at the island opposite Thor. “It looks nice, you two should bake more often.” Loki only huffs and turns back around to finish washing, while Thor smiles broadly and the two fall into idle conversation.  

So in conclusion, Loki feels very different emotions for both of his brothers. Loki’s able to act like a child when around Thor, as demonstrated today, and is very happy to spend time with him. However Loki can be resentful towards him, when Thor leaves him to hang around with people who hate him, and much too often Loki can be found snapping at his older brother when no harm has even been caused; the fact that Thor doesn’t take it to heart though is why the pair get along so well. Balder is the complete opposite, and it’s odd to think that seeing as Thor and Balder are actually so much alike. Loki cannot stand Balder’s cheerfulness like he can Thor's, cannot stand his overprotect nature, cannot stand anything about him. They’ve never been close though, Loki doesn’t know why, it’s just always been that way. Maybe it was how the two used to compete for their mother’s affection, and how Balder would always succeed, which has left a bitter taste in Loki’s mouth since. Whatever it was, Loki couldn’t bring himself to form a brotherly bond with Balder. 

Loki really needs something to do before he goes insane on thoughts of his family. Stupid holidays, forcing him to spend time with his relations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to try and show the different relationship Loki has with his brothers
> 
> Title quote by J.R.R. Tolkien


	16. Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cause when the full moon starts to climb we'll all sing out: It's Christmas time!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't want to upload this one, but on the plus it's the last chapter of pointlessness...at least for a while.

“Loki!” Thor screams as he runs into the call’s room, who only groans sleepily. “Come on, get up!” When Loki responds by rolling over onto his front, the older male does the only thing possible at this moment in time and starts jumping on the black haired male’s bed.

“Fine! Get out of my damn room!” Loki yells at his giggling brother, finally sitting up in his earthquake moving bed.

“Good,” Thor smiles brightly moving out the room, “be downstairs in ten minutes max or I’m coming back up.” Loki glares before flopping back down on his bed; however as soon as he knows Thor is down stairs he breaks out into a smile. Then rolls over rather reluctantly to grab his phone, staying on his stomach as he texts. ‘Merry Christmas, Icicle’, he sends, sighing happily, before making his way downstairs still clad in pyjama trousers and worn t-shirt, phone clutched in hand.

December 25th, Christmas day; the one time of the year Loki feels a true equal part of his family. Every year he is awoken in the same fashion: Thor jumping on his bed beaming happily at 7 o’clock sharp. Loki’s convinced Thor sits outside his room, quietly watching the minutes on the clock go by until he can finally wake him up.

Upon entering the kitchen, Loki feels utter regret on not pulling on socks as his bare feet meet the freezing cold marble floor. So he runs, yes runs, into the living room and curls up next to Thor on the sofa, covering his poor feet in the blanket his older brother had more intelligently brought down with him. It was rare for Thor to out smart him, and although he appreciated having the blanket now, he couldn’t help but wonder if this was a good thing or not. So Loki did the next best thing and ignored it.

“Can we open our presents now, Balder?” Thor asked impatiently, causing both Balder and Loki to roll their eyes simultaneously.

“You know mother will be upset if you start opening your presents without her again.” As Balder explained Thor processed to cross his arms and slouch further into the cushions. “Fine,” he gave in before picking up a colourfully wrapped package and throwing it has his brother. Loki covered his face quickly in fear that it would hit him. Luckily it didn’t as Thor caught it, face lighting up brighter than the Christmas tree. How was Loki younger than him again?

As soon as their mother enters the room Thor jumps up to open more of his gifts causing Loki to nearly fall into the couch from where he had been leaning on the other male. Their mother gives him a sympathetic smile and comes over the replace the overjoyed Thor. It doesn’t take long for the middle Odinson to open all his gifts, smiling broadly at each one and coming over to give Loki a tight hug upon opening the football he’d gotten him. Balder and Loki are more slow at opening their gifts, and Loki doesn’t even bother to get up to get his so Balder is made to pass him each one in turn.

“Mother, come look what me and Loki made you and father!” Both Loki and Balder laugh as their mother gets dragged out the room, leaving just the two of them. It was slightly awkward to say the least. Loki and Balder hadn’t been alone in a room together for a very long time, and since the Christian incident they hadn’t been in a room together without sharp comments (Loki) or suspicious eyes (Balder). Needless to say Loki didn’t want to get into an argument today of all days. This is the only day he’ll happily spend time with his family and he wanted to keep it that way.

“Loki,” Balder pipes up from his place on the floor. _Please don’t bring up Chris_ , Loki’s mind begs on repeat. “Thank you for my tub of socks,” his older brother laughs awkwardly after a short conflicting moment.

Loki lets out a sigh of relief and smiles back at his sibling. “Thanks for my tub of sweets then.” Loki returns the favour by holding up his multicoloured present. “I’m going to be the size of you and Thor by the time Christmas is over.” He jokes, lightening the mood somewhat.

“I do not think so, brother; you will never get to the size of us, we have muscle, you will always be but skin and bones.” Loki throws a cushion at his brother’s head in retaliation just as their mother walks in.

“Balder stop annoying your brother,” Frigga scolds to her oldest son, though the heat is lacking, “thank you for the cake, my sweet Loki,” she says now to her youngest planting a kiss on his crown.

“I’ve got another present for you is well mother,” Loki tells her sweetly as she sits down next to him, before making Balder pass him the gift from under the decorated tree.

Thus the gift exchanged continued until their father’s wrapped presents were the only ones beneath the tree. Then four out of five members of the Odin household spend the rest of the morning eating junk in front of the TV watching Christmas ‘classics’. Loki ended up falling asleep on the sofa curled up next to his mother and didn’t wake up again until ten when, oh joy, Tony was now round. Grumbling about his hatred for the male and how early he was, Loki pushed himself off the sofa and strolled out of the now empty living room, blanket wrapped around himself, and instead plonked himself on a stool in the kitchen. “It still hasn’t snowed yet,” Loki muttered out loud to no one in particular, but then there was only him and his mother in the room. Every year was the same when it came to snow. The first half of December would be snowy, come a week before Christmas and it would stop and wouldn’t start up again until the new year. Loki had yet to see an actual white Christmas.

Frigga doesn’t answer her youngest son, so engross with the task before her of starting the Christmas dinner. So Loki turns his attention from the window to his phone, and is met with a reply from Chris: ‘Meery Xmsa, LokkiLove’. The black haired male giggles aloud to himself at the familiar sight of the blonde’s terrible texting. “What’re you giggling at, star-shine?” Comes the familiar yet not pleasing sound of Tony Stark’s voice.

“That’s none of your business, Stark,” the male snaps back while locking his phone. The addressed only smirks back until Thor comes bounding in to grab his attention and the pair leave into the living room. Loki imitates this action by leaving the room to retreat upstairs where he can get dressed.

In the privacy of his room Loki continues to text Chris while changing into a new t-shirt, thin jumper and skinny jeans, remembering also this time to add socks. ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ Loki texts before grabbing the gifts for his friends and making his way down stairs. Pulling on his converse and pea coat, he makes the short distance to Parker’s house where Tony should also be by now. Parker’s house really isn’t that far, it’s simply across the road and five houses down, so it doesn’t take Loki even a minute to get there. “Merry Christmas,” Loki smiles as his friend opens the door and welcomes him in.

“What did you get me?” Tony demands, skipping pleasantries altogether from his spot on the Robbins’ couch, not even bothering to turn around from the TV. Loki hands his friend a small wrapped box which is unwrapped in seconds. Within is a purple and white skulled length of plastic. “You got me a new stretcher!” Comes a happy reply from the brown haired male. As you should already know by now Tony Masters lives in a care home, has done his whole life, and so he’s very difficult to buy for in a way. It was stupid to buy something which he couldn’t keep on his person at all times, the small amount of personal possessions, aside from clothing, he did have were being kept at Victor’s house at this moment. So, getting a new piercing was the only logically choice.

“What did Parker get you?” Loki questioned, remembering their challenge.

“I’m paying for him to get another helix piercing,” Parker replied smugly. Yes, so maybe Parker had won with Tony, but certainly not with Emma or Victor.

“I’m thinking of getting my septum done, soon as I’m sixteen,” Tony informed them, taking out of his 8mm stretcher to replace it with the one he’d just gotten. If Loki was being honest, he thought Tony already had enough piercings. Having two helix and one stretcher on the right ear, one helix and stretcher on the left and a lip piercing on the same side; this isn’t even to mention the ones he’s planning to get throughout the year is well, but Loki will only add those to the list once the male had gained them. Parker, Victor and Loki however had no piercings and planned to keep it that way, while Emma only had her ears and belly button pierced and planned to get no more.

Loki turned away from the odd sight of Tony pushing plastic into his ear and instead focused his attention on giving Parker his gift who returned the favour. Unlike the previous male, the two took more care and time in opening their presents. Loki couldn’t help but laugh as he pulled out a green and white baseball jersey shirt with his name in a runic front imprinted on the front. Yeah, he was wearing this all the time now. The thin gift Parker pulled out from the neat red paper was a DC LiveWire comic, his favourite villain. Despite Parker exclaiming his love for the gift, Loki knew he’d won this round is well.

“Dear Tony, what did you rob for me this year?” Loki addressed the named sweetly. Each of them did enjoy Tony gifts the most, because they would never actually be something they needed, rather something that had caught Tony’s eye at the time.

“I think you’ll be very happy with this year’s gift. From John Lewis,” Tony bragged while the other two ‘ohh’ed in response.

“What did he get you?” Loki asked Parker as their friend ran upstairs to get Loki’s gift.

“A dog shaped memo holder, and goldfish soap,” was the simple reply. “You are not going to believe what he got Victor." Parker sighed while Loki raised an eyebrow. "A magic set.” The simple way to explain that, is that it was a long running joke between them that Victor was a witch because his mother is, or rather was, Wiccan.

Once Loki had been given his present of five differently decorated flower picture frames, which of course he has _so many_ uses for, and they’d discussed how much Victor was going to kick Tony’s ass, who only waved it off stating “it’s about time he let out some of his homicidal tendencies”, he made his way over to the Frost household twenty minutes away to exchange presents with Emma. They were made to open them on the front porch since Emma’s family still hated Emma’s friend, Loki was sure it was just because they were male. Loki had gotten his female friend silver and steel icicle earrings; Parker had gotten her a silver gemmed phone case, so Loki counted this as a win. Emma had gotten him ‘L’ cufflinks, stating that if he was going to be wearing smart shirts from now on he might as well style it up.

Last on his route was Victor, the Grinch who hates Christmas, inside his house was a complete void of anything festive. Loki didn’t know whether he liked it or not; on the one hand it was a Victor quirk and Loki did so enjoy Victor’s quirks, on the other Loki also really loved Christmas. “Have you done anything for Christmas Victor? And me dragging you out to get gifts doesn’t count,” Loki fell into Victor’s couch before curling up into a ball to get comfy, which really wasn’t hard.

“I’m going round Parker’s, aren’t I?” Was Victor’s reply as he sat down next to Loki.

“Muppets Christmas special is going to be on soon; do you want me to watch it with you so you can feel you’re being forced into celebrating Christmas and not doing so because you actually want to?” This time there wasn’t a reply, merely a cross of the arms. “Well, I’m watching it; Tony Stark is round my house, so I’m spending as much time out as I can.”

“Am I just a way for you to consume your time?”

“No, you’re much more entertaining than that,” Loki replies as he turns on the TV. “Do you want your present now?” Then he begrudging crawls over the side of the sofa to grab the silver wrapped box.

Loki and Victor both lounged on the sofa together for the next two hours, the usual position of Victor between Loki’s legs. Victor is currently making use of his present a set of Chinese Stress Balls, black and green with a white pentagon in the middle, red and blue swirls radiating off; it reminded Loki of DNA and a pentagonal sugar, so it was perfect for his best friend whom was home to stress issues. Loki was also enjoying his gift from Victor, a book full of Grimm Brother’s fairy tales. This was until Parker text Victor saying he should come round for diner now. Loki knew Victor would never admit it but he knew that secretly his best friend was happy to be spending Christmas with a family, though it might not be his, it was something to be grateful for.

It was half one by the time Loki finally made it home, and behold! Tony Stark hadn’t been a figment of his imagination because the ass was still here. “Where have you been, star-shine?”

“Why must you call me that?” Loki asked in return, coming into the front living room to sit with his brothers and the _other one_ to watch whatever Christmas movie was now on.

“Well, you’re too dark to be a sunshine, so star-shine it is,” Tony explained, though Loki didn’t really care.

“And what pet name have you given Miss Potts?”

“I haven’t, but she doesn’t really need one on top of her nickname Pepper, does she?” Loki didn’t understand Tony and Pepper’s relationship, and to be quite frank he didn’t care to either. As far as he could see Tony wasn’t as involved in the relationship as maybe he should be. Loki drops the conversation with the others in the room completely, turning instead back to his phone. ‘Slepin mst likly’ is the text from Chris that lights up his phone. Good, that fits perfectly into his plans. ‘Since you’re not doing anything it’ll be okay that I come round for our gift exchange.’

Loki is smiling for the rest of the night. Through diner, even as Tony Stark sits too close to him, he thinks of the time he’ll spend with Christian tomorrow; when he’s made to spend further time with his family as they play pointless games, he can't help but be a little nervous about what tomorrow may bring if things don’t go to plan. As Loki drifts off to sleep that night, thoughts still filled of one Christian Frost, it dawns on him that maybe, he might have quite the obsession on the Frost son. Slipping into dreamland though, he finds he doesn’t mind one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't look at me, it's terrible I know. I like the interactions between Victor and Loki, and Loki, Parker and Tony...but the rest I might just write up so I can burn it.
> 
> There are many things to consider in this chapter:  
> 1\. I never remember socks when I go down stairs  
> 2\. I don't know about the rest of England but Loki's inner thoughts about the snow always happens where I live  
> 3\. I once had to help a friend push her ear stretcher in and it is the weirdest thing ever  
> 4\. For those who don't know, John Lewis is a very expensive shop, we have one in our town and it's always empty  
> 5\. Apparently The Hood decided a life of crime after seeing Electro fight DareDevil. So he is a fan of an electric DC villian to honor that  
> 6\. Hopefully you understand the magic set and Wiccan reference well enough
> 
> Plot starts so soon! I'm excited for you to see XD
> 
> Title quote by Dr.Suess


	17. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gift exchange with Chris

Today was the day. What day you ask? Boxing day. What is the significance? You’ll just have to wait and see now won’t you. Though Loki already knew what today would bring, it just came down to whether everything went to plan. It was a beautiful day, a rather nice day. The snow hadn’t started up again yet, and there were odd rays of sunlight coming out through the clouds. Loki furrowed his eyebrows at the sight beyond his window before turning back to the mirror to touch up his hair…again. Everything must be perfect. The black haired male had spent an hour in the bathroom this morning; showering, washing his hair, moisturising (he’s never even used moisturiser before), and sorting out…downer area. Everything must be perfect! It seemed unfair to Loki when he brought all his friends gifts, but not the one guy whose been making him very happy recently. When Loki brought a present for Christian, it just didn’t seem like enough, so really a sexual favour of sorts seemed like the best route to go down. They’re both getting something out of it. Assuming that nothing unexpected interferes to mess with the show. That was really the only thing Loki was nervous about. The furthest in relationship intimacy he’s gone to is…well, coming in his pants while grinding against the same boy he’s trying desperately to impress. So he didn’t really have much experience. If Loki wants to get any further with Chris, or any further proving to Balder that he’s not a child then he has to create an amazing performance today. And that’s why everything, every last little thing, every single tiny microscopic little thing must go according to plan.

One last look in the mirror, and Loki was on his way. Grabbing the first more physical gift, shouting goodbyes into the house and then on his way to Nico’s house to see Chris. Loki didn’t knock when entering the house, it was one in the afternoon, it would be pointless as no one would answer at such an ‘early’ time in the day. After spending so much time with Chris over the past month, Loki has come to know the older male’s friends a fair amount, and despite being drug addicts they're not all that bad. Entering Chris’ room of the drug house, Loki was met with smoke, which wasn’t an unusual sight; the sting to his eyes just took some getting used to. “Loki!” Christian slurred in greeting, joint dangling between his fingers.

“Got you a Christmas present,” the younger male waved the blue wrapped gift in the air, coming over to sit on the bed opposite the older. Christian put the joint back between his lips so he could make grabby hands towards Loki’s present, earning a giggle from the younger male. “You don’t wrap up warm enough,” is Loki’s response when Chris rips opens the paper to a red sweater.

“I like it,” the older male grins pulling the item over his head. “Damn, I didn’t get you anything,” he mumbles after a moment of silence before splitting into a grin again. Loki’s gotten used to Christian’s smiles never reaching his eyes now, though it’s still slightly unnerving. “There you go,” the blonde offers holding out a joint after a moment of fumbling around. The younger male is tempted, oh so tempted to take the offer. He’d done a lot of research on drugs since meeting the blonde, and has spent a lot of time asking Chris and his friends how the drugs make them feel. But on the other hand he’s also very aware of all the negative effects, and that’s what’s making him shake his head in reply to the offer. “Well, I’ll keep it here,” Chris says, opening the draw on the night stand, “and if you change your mind you can have it then.”

“Thank you, Chris,” Loki returns in gratitude as he crawls up inbetween the male’s leg to kiss him. He keeps his hand firmly on Chris’ thighs as their mouths move together, because he’s doing this, today, no backing out. “Ya’know, I’ve got another gift for you,” he starts, breaking the kiss to focus instead on opening the other’s trousers, hands shaking ever so slightly, “it’s not much right now, but…one step at a time, right?”

Chris grins again, nodding lazily while he lifts his hips up to help the younger pull his trousers further down, “yeah, you can…you just do whatever you want,” he rambles taking another puff of his smoke.

Loki begins to palm the other through his boxers, and moves up again to capture their mouths together. The smell of ash is practically radiating off Christian, and Loki can’t help but smile into the kiss as he breaths it in through his nose. Once Loki feels Chris is hard enough he breaks the kiss once again to pull the thin item of clothing down over the male’s length. Loki has to stop and stare once the object of his wanted affection is fully on show. What can he say? The younger male has never seen a cock in real life that wasn’t his own, or this close up. If Loki had any doubts before on whether he was gay or not, they have official been dismissed as he eagerly wraps a hand around the length.

Loki starts pumping slowly, joining his and Chris’ mouths together once again, both lowly moaning into the other’s. As Chris’ hands start to travel into Loki’s shirt, the younger can feel his own erection start straining against his jeans. Loki groans, needing some relief, he swings one leg over Christian’s and grinds down on the older male’s thigh. “I could help you with that,” Chris mutters, moving his hands down towards Loki’s problem. Loki tries to ignore Chris undoing his own trousers, tries to ignore the air hitting his privates as his boxers are pulled down and certainly ignores the way Chris pulls back from Loki’s mouth to inspect another part of him. If he chooses to acknowledge these things properly, he’d only freak out and ruin the hand job he came here to do. However, the loud moan that emits from his mouth as Chris wraps a hand around him is enough to divert his focus and stumble on his task.

It takes quite a few moments to get both his breathing and mind under control again, because c’mon, he has never done this before and right now his mind doesn’t know whether he should focus on the pleasure of getting a hand job himself or giving one to Chris, because he sure as hell can’t do both. Then, Loki is saved from having to pick the tricky decision as Chris moves his hand to take a hold of both their lengths to complete the job. Loki’s left to moan, gasp and groan in Christian's neck, while moving his free hand, the one not clutching on the older male’s thigh for dear life, under Chris's items of clothing to rub his chest in a vain effort to make it seem like he’s still doing something.

Loki lets out a noise somewhere between a muffled scream and a whimper as he, and soon after Chris, comes all over the older male’s new jumper. Seemingly having no energy left, the black haired teenager can do little more than lazily kiss his…friend, lover, not-boyfriend? The rest of day the two spend giggling in a cloud of smoke and eating chicken nuggets. According to plan. Despite enjoying his day, and as Chris proceeds to nip and suck on his neck, Loki can only think that he forgot to plan something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing sex scenes is so embarrassing *hides*. And no, I did not include Corpse Bride lyrics in my writing...okay maybe a little
> 
> Title quote by Benjamin Franklin


	18. The dangerous falls were the ones that happened so fast you didn't have time to react.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrong Place, Wrong Time

There’s a smile on Loki’s face as he walks through the door that evening. Could it be relief that’s oozing around his body, or stress oozing out of it? Either way, after spending the morning full of panic over how the day will go, Loki feels like a whole weight has been lifted off his shoulders. If this is what he’s going to feel like everytime he has a sexual encounter he’s going to be doing it a lot more. Maybe his tense and slightly grumpy persona all these years has just been sexual tension. Loki laughed to himself, quickly dismissing the thought.

The smirk was soon wiped of his face though as he stepped into the kitchen, seeing Balder sat at the island, almost as though he’d been waiting for him to get back. _Knowing Balder he probably has_. “You smell…different Loki, where have you been?” _Shit_ , the younger male thought to himself, sitting with Chris in a room full of smoke clearly wasn’t the smartest move it would seem. He’d been so careful to remove the smell of ash and weed after previous encounters before, why had he slipped up this time? Well, there had been move important matters on his mind for one.

“Out with my friends,” Loki replied nonchalantly, leaning against the opposite side of the island.

“Funny, because you smell so much like Christian Frost and _his_ friends,” Balder said as a matter of fact, “unless you wanna tell me Victor von Doom has started taking drugs?” Loki, conflicted, doesn’t answer. To deny would basically confirm Balder’s suspicions that he was with Chris and to agree could then lead Balder to try and ban him from seeing Victor. “How about that bite mark on your neck?” Loki’s hand flew up to his neck as his eyes widened in surprise and Balder’s narrowed at him. “Who was that, Loki?” Again the other didn’t answer, but his silence said it all to his older brother. “I have told you, Loki! Stay away from him! Christian is dangerous and I won’t have you falling into his habits! What is wrong with you!?” As Balder yells, Loki coolly pushes up from the counter and stands up straight, ready to turn this around. He won’t be treated like a child. “What were you doing with him?”

“That’s none of your buis-“

“I am not messing around Loki!” Balder shouts, earning a huffed laugh from the younger as his patience begins to run out. “What were you doing?”

“Do you really want to know what I was doing?” Loki screamed back in anger. “I was in Christian’s bed, with his cock in my hand as I came screaming his name!” The room was silence now, only broken with Loki’s rapid breaths, as he tried to subside his anger, Balder on the other hand was wide eyed, shocked into silence, no words to speak.

It didn’t last longer than a few seconds however. “Loki?” A small voice broke the silence, and both boys' head whipped round to the source of the interruption. Loki suddenly paled, feeling too many emotions at once. Anger, embarrassment and fear, just to name a few. All at the sight of his parents standing in the doorway. Loki quickly glances over to Balder as tears started pricking at his eye, looking for… _anything_ , but all Balder can do is stutter, still in his own state of shock. The youngest Odinson doesn’t wait for his mother to continue, and quickly makes his way out the front door. No one tries to stop him.

From there he runs, tears blurring up his vision. What had possessed him to yell that at his brother? Of course, Loki knew the answer. He’d just been so angry at Balder and the whole point of being with Chris was to show Balder just what he was capable of. If that was the case though, why was he running up the stairs of Nico Minoru’s house and into Christian’s room. “What’s wrong, Loki?” Chris instantly asks as the named bursts through the door.

Loki didn’t answer, just went straight for the draw he knew his Christmas present was being kept safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know whether you're disappointed or not, I know there were a lot of comments about when Loki was going to come out, and this scene really did look better in my head than written down. Saying that, I do think this is better than my original idea. I might change what Loki says at some point, I don't think it flows very well.
> 
> Title Quote by Jeannette Walls


	19. A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what’s going on.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't do drugs kids, you'll drown.

It took Loki quite awhile to get the hang of smoking, and even then he wasn’t very good. Christian had done nothing but giggle at him, so far into his own high, and tried to give pointers as Loki choked and coughed on clouds of smoke. Once the smoke from the inhaled ended up exhaling through his nose he was near enough ready to give up. His nose felt filled with water, almost like he’d nearly drowned. Again, as Loki scrunched up his nose in disgust, Chris only laughed, before taking a large inhale on his own stick, grabbed the back of the black haired male and blew the cloud of smoke slowly into his mouth.

Despite the difficulties, and mostly thanks to Christian’s help, Loki did fall asleep that night, happy and high. Loki stayed the night curled up on Chris’s bed, a smile on his face and the other male laid out drunkenly next to him.

Loki kept telling himself it was a bad idea going home the next day, so he put it off for as long as possible, it was late in the afternoon before he got home, feeling uncomfortable in his one day old clothes. He didn’t think about what awaited him at the house of Odin, didn’t want to, so he hadn’t even contemplated the idea that they’d all be waiting for him. Loki didn’t make it past the front living room before his name was called out. “Sit,” Odin demanded of him while the man himself stood up with his wife. Balder was there too, along with a confused looking Thor. Loki rolled his eyes, but in his still hazed state the act made him dizzy. Despite his unwillingness, Loki sat in the spot he was directed, if only because his stomach was churning.

While his family watched, Loki tries to keep a clear head, but his thoughts betray him. Tell him the possible results from this conversation, none of them good, they plainly tell him his parents disprove. “Loki,” his mother starts calmly, “this whole matter has come as somewhat of a shock to all of us, but we’re here for you Loki.” Her voice and face an image of comfort, but Loki can see straight through it, can feel the knives of disappointment tearing him apart.

“Now, are you sure,” Frigga pauses, trying hard to find the right words, full in fear of pushing her son away, “are you sure males are your…interest?” She needs to know, needs to be sure that she’s supporting him in the right path. Frigga wants nothing but to help her son be more comfortable with who he is, wants him to know she’s here for him no matter what.

However, she doesn’t see the wheels of paranoia turning behind green eyes, doesn’t see the smoke turning the cogs. Reassurance floats gently through Frigga’s mouth but disappointment is what ends up stabbing through Loki’s ears.

“I’m posistive,” Loki grits out, though his mind screams at him to scream fury at them.

“Brother we only want to help,” is what Balder says, but ‘you need help’ is Loki hears. A glare is the only reply his older brother gets.

“What about this Christian Frost, Loki? From what Balder has told us he’s not a good influence,” his father’s words become the last straw.

 _They’re trying to control you, trying to change you, mould you into something they can actually be happy with._ _They’ll change your sexuality, the people you talk to, anything they can get their hands on. They hate you, disgusted by you. If you were more like Balder or Thor, everything would be okay, but you’re not. You’re nothing but a disappointment to them!_

“Stop it!” Loki screams as his thoughts over come him. He flies up from the couch so they can no longer look down upon him. “Stay away from me! Stop trying to control me! I’m not a doll you can bend to your every will!” The faces he leaves behind as he storms upstairs, he does not see for what they really are.

When Loki slams the door shut, a shaky hands flies to his front pocket. An extra present from Chris to make up for his inability to smoke. A small bag filled with brown powder. Loki didn’t ask what it was, Loki didn’t care as it was given over with the promise it’d get him high quickly, that it’d make him happy.

Loki does as Chris had instructed him too and rubs the powder against his gums, before falling back against his bed and waits for the high to overcome him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now before we continue, I need to make a point. All of my drugs knowledge comes from medical websites and a little bit from Lost, but I'm trying to keep it as close as I can to what actually happens. Also, some things may not seem completely right, but there's this thing in Blade, called Blade Physics. There's a scene where light goes around the bend, which isn't possible and the producer explains it by saying 'Blade Physics'. So when you read something that doesn't coincide with what drugs actually do, just think Blade Physics, because that's my excuse for a lot of things I do. Or, Loki's drugs do what they want!
> 
> I used my personal experience of smoking in this chapter though. I don't smoke, but the few times I've tried it, I choked and one time it came out through my nose, which was horrible and I haven't tried it since.
> 
> Title Quote by William S. Burroughs


	20. Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored

It was easy for Loki to hide his newly found ‘happy method’-for lack of better description. His family could no longer be trusted while Loki couldn't be sure how they felt about him. The smaller voice within his mind told him his family loved him and didn't care about his sexuality, that they loved him just as much as one another; but that opinion was tiny and Loki couldn't hear it above the screaming that was his paranoia. The voice that twisted every good emotion towards and from his family into something he didn't quite recognise. So Loki avoided his family like the plague, taking instead to drowning his thoughts in smoke. By doing this he spent more time with Chris, and when at home hid in his room.

None of his family said anything, after his previous outburst they were scared of pushing him further away. Of course Loki didn’t see it their way, and instead thought they simply didn’t care. During his time off within his drug haze Loki didn’t think to go see his friends, Christian Frost seemed to be the only person getting his attention. But then Christian could give him something more than what anyone else could. Chris could provide him with drugs and dirty pleasure. So in Loki’s mind, he was the only one looking out for his interests, the one giving him the attention he craved.

A week after Loki’s first intake, when the school year started up again, is when The Cabal first get a glimpse of the new path Loki has gone down. Of course, the unspoken rule their friendship has hangs above them and blocks anyone from asking any questions or speaking their concern. So Parker can’t ask Loki if he’s okay the first time he gets a look at the other’s glassy eyes, all he can do is send a worried glance. Victor can’t say anything when he notices the male sitting next to him zoning out far more than normal, all he can do is write Loki’s notes for him, not that the black haired male notices. Emma can’t do anything but try and ignore the way Loki continuously presses the wrong buttons throughout their IT lesson. Then nobody brings up the fact that Loki had not joined them for lunch, and had instead disappeared outside.

That only being the first day, this strange behaviour continues for the rest of week, and the weeks after that. The Cabal can do nothing but watch and wait for their friend to open up to them. Loki doesn’t notice the concern in his friend’s eyes, but if anything that’s something he is grateful for, he doesn’t want to explain to them how weak he is. Doesn’t want to explain to them how he spends hours with one of their friend’s older brother, smoking until he passes out. Doesn’t want to explain how much fun he has making out and coming in the hand of that same brother.

So nobody but Chris and _his_ friends knew what Loki was doing to his mind and body. Didn’t know how much poison he was taking a day. Didn’t know how much his appetite was falling, or how much sleep he was losing. Though they didn’t know, Loki didn’t care. As far as he was concerned, he had everything under control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose this is a quick summary, just to understand what's going on, because to be quite fair, I don't really know what I'm doing from here on out. That's why it's taken me so long to update, sorry. I have a chapter by chapter plan, but that won't start until chapter 25, so just bare with me. To be perfectly honest, I've been thinking a lot more on the sequel to this story than actually this one. 
> 
> Also, thank you for my comments, just because I fail to reply doesn't mean I don't read and love them :)
> 
> Title Quote by Aldous Huxley


	21. Living is easy with eyes closed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Balder discuss Loki.

Thor is a boy of few words. Sure, he talked a lot and if you were to ask anyone that knew him to describe him in one word it would be 'loud'. So, let's start again. Thor is a boy with a small vocabulary. Thus, sometimes he finds he has a difficult time putting how he feels into words. There is one word that is not in Thor's vocabulary, and it is a word that people would not use when describing Thor and it is the word 'observant'.

Despite this, Thor was very quick to notice a change in his little brother's demeanour. Loki was more the one to be described as observant, but even as Thor no where near inconspicuously spied on the younger, Loki didn't notice. The normally sharp eyes and sharp mind seemed to be elsewhere. But this was not the first thing to set the alarm bells off in Thor's head. It was the fact that normally when the boys crossed paths on the upstairs hallway, and Thor would happily greet his brother, Loki normally replied in the following statements: 'fine', 'not now Thor', or 'out of my way you stupid oaf'; all the while not sparing the smiling blonde a glance. Although it did not seem like the nicest of interactions, it was comfortable and familiar to Thor, and that's all he needed from his brother to know that he was okay. So when one day, the first in over a week, they crossed paths outside their rooms and Thor greeted Loki in the usual manner, but instead of continuing to his room, Loki paused and turned to his brother. "What?" The black haired male had asked in genuine confusion; so with worry already forming in the pit of his stomach, Thor had repeated his question as to if Loki was okay. "I am good," and then the boy had smiled, a smile that did not reach his eyes, and carried on to his room.

Thor may not notice a lot of things, like when someone changes their hair, moves house, puts on glasses, or when their pets have departed, but this was currently screaming out to him loud and clear.

Now comes the problem of Thor not being very good with words, and this had somehow always been worse when Loki was concerned, the youngest Odinson had a way of having Thor leave more confused than when he had arrived. But luckily, Thor wasn't going to talk to Loki, after, what they were calling 'the incident', his mother had informed him it'd be a bad idea to question Loki about any such matters. Instead he was going to his older brother, and so, "I must have word with you," Thor announced upon entering Balder's room. The male whom had been sitting on his bed reading, welcomed Thor with a smile and motioned for his brother to take a seat while he set his book down. Before Balder could get a word in Thor spoke up again, "it concerns Loki."

Of course it was Loki; Balder's own thoughts recently had been about their younger sibling. Where Thor's observance fell, Balder's kept going. It was he who had noticed Loki's absence in their home, during the last of the holiday Loki had spent nearly all day out, and now back at school, despite Loki still having to come home with them, not five minutes after arriving Loki would be back out again. Balder had hoped, for the first time, that Loki was simply with the Cabal and tried to convince himself that there was nothing to worry about; but when school started up again, and there was a noticeable absence of Loki on the table of Cabal, he knew that wasn't the case.

There was clearly something going on with Loki, and what irritated him further was that no one was doing anything about it, including himself. Balder feared interfering again, blaming himself for Loki's current condition. If only he'd let Loki be. He should have known he was only pushing Loki closer to Chris everytime he told him to stay away. The other reason Balder didn't want to question Loki was because he felt he already knew what was going on, was quite sure of it in fact. The whole reason behind not wanting Loki to get close to Christian Frost was because he feared this would happen. Now that it had, Balder didn't know what to do to get him out of it, didn't know if trying to get him out of it was the right course of action, or whether informing their parents would be a good idea. Secretly, he stayed away from asking because he hoped he was wrong.

"I don't know what to do about Loki," Balder told Thor honestly and simply.

"So you have noticed the difference too?" The middle brother sighed, while the other found himself huffing a laugh and nodding. "Do you know of the cause?" Was asked after a pregnant pause, a question Balder inwardly cringed at.

There were two answers Balder could choose from: a dismissive no, or the truth. The first of the two was easier; the one Balder was leaning further towards. To say no means Thor won't, hopefully, be in as much concern as Balder. To say no means no further explanation. To say no means Thor won't also blame Balder for what has happened to their brother, because if Thor thinks he doesn't know, then Thor won't know that Balder could, and should, have prevented it. However, telling the truth means Thor can end his search, means Balder will have someone to confide in, means they stand more chance at saving Loki if they're working together.

So Balder looks to his should be ally, his brother in arms, and prepares to say with as much certainty as he can muster,

"Loki's on drugs."

Because as much as he'd like to, hiding from it isn't going to make the truth go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do like this chapter, until it gets to Balder, then I feel it's far too serious. Also I know some people don't like it when Thor is made out to be quite stupid, but I find it hilarious, and will continue to do so throughout to series. 
> 
> Title Quote by The Beatles, (fairly sure the quote doesn't actually mean the same thing in the song that I want it to mean now)


	22. When you go in search of honey, you must expect to be stung by bees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stark sticks his nose in.

Where Loki's friends were blocked by unspoken rule, and his brothers were in fear of pushing him away, Tony Stark had no boundaries when it came to concerns over Loki, or anyone for that matter, and even if he did Tony would more than likely spend them no notice.

What first caught his attention about the change in the dark male, was the first day back after the Christmas holidays, when Tony came over to sit next to Loki again in tutor and not even a twitch of irritation came upon the younger's face. Now Tony may be fairly narcissistic but he knew this wasn't because Loki suddenly became happy or even nonchalant to his presence. Tony was in fact so shocked he didn't bother making a comment that day, or for the rest of the week.

When the second week came, Tony started trying to press Loki's buttons, trying to coax some kind of reaction out of him, but all he got for his efforts was a slow turn of the head and an absent minded 'what?'. For rest of the week Tony tried to gain an angry snap or at least a glare from Loki, but with no such luck.

The third week, Tony took a bold leap and did what only crazy people did and ventured over to the table of Cabal, noticeably with a most absent Loki as of late. It was easy to say he didn't get a warm welcome when he sat down between Victor and the _other_ Tony, no matter how large he smiled they only narrowed their eyes back. Though that was to be expected, Tony and the rest of the Avengers hadn't been too kind to the Cabal of the years past. "So...," Tony started awkwardly, moving his food around his plate.

"Get off our table," Emma told him coldly, and Tony raised an offended hand to his chest.

"Now now, I'm here to talk about nice things," he stated with no reply. _Tough crowd_ , Tony thought while trying to piece together the right way to ask, before giving up, they hate him anyway. "It's about Loki, I wa-"

"Stay away from Loki, Stark" Victor interrupted darkly, his eyes threatening, and Tony could have sworn the grip on his knife had significantly tightened.

"Oh come on now, I only-"

"I will actually stab you!" Tony yelped and fell back off his seat as Wade suddenly appeared from no where stabbing a knife into the table in front of him.

Despite the erratic heart beat, Tony did manage to get back to his own friends with his life in tack, along with a new found understanding for the saying 'don't put your dick in crazy', not that he has any plans on having sex with a member of the Cabal. Anyways, it was clear to say that planning to ask Cabal about Loki was not a good idea.

Instead, Tony decided to take things right to the source and ask Loki himself. This in its self turned out to be more difficult than one would have imagined. In the morning and first break, Loki was protected by the Cabal, and Tony wasn't going near them again any time soon, and asking during tutor just simply wasn't an option. They shared no classes together, not that Tony could have asked then either even if they did; and he hadn't a clue where Loki snuck off to during lunch. Tony knew that Loki had to report back home after school which meant he'd have to wait with Balder and Thor so the three of them could go home together, but Loki's brothers were as difficult to get past as Loki's friends were. In other words, neither Thor nor Balder thought it was a good idea for him to 'bother' their little brother.

When the end of the week arrived and Tony had struck no luck getting conversation out of Loki, he resorted to spying. It was during Saturday morning when he was sat in his car, though technically not legal to drive yet, that Tony started to wonder why he was going to such trouble. Though he decided not to dwell on the matter and figure it out later when he was in his lab, as of right now Loki was emerging from the house of Odin.

Tony wasted no time jumping out of his car and running over to Loki's side to walk insync. "Hey star-shine," he beamed, though for a few moments Loki did little more than just furrow his eyes at him in reply, before turning to look straight ahead.

"Hello, Stark." That was it, for weeks now Tony hadn't received even a small irritated sigh, no matter how many pet names he threw Loki's way.

"How are you?"

"I am good," Loki replied slowly, giving Tony every none intended hint that he was actually quite the opposite.

"Well, I just thought I'd check. You've not really been yourself," Tony paused giving Loki time to mull over his words, but when no reaction was given, Tony pushed on. "Are you going to tell me what's going on? You've got a lot of people worried."

"I told you...I am good," though the words were repeated they lacked any kind of confidence.

"You sure? Because me, the Cabal and your brothers, we're all concerned." And finally a huff, a poor one, but a huff nonetheless, as Loki stopped walking to look at Tony. A pathetic glare had been place upon Loki's face, and in any other circumstance it would have been laughable.

"I can look after myself, I don't need you, or my brothers babying me," with that Loki started up his walk again, trying to keep a faster pace, but Tony was still right next to him.

"Where are you going?"

"Victor's; though t'is none of your business," Tony knew this would, and should, have been directed at him with a sharp, almost hateful tone, but either Loki couldn't be bothered, or simply couldn't.

"Do you always use Victor as an alibi when you don't want someone to know where you're going?" Tony stopped following when Loki turned silent again and instead sped up. Tony didn't know what else to say but shout "you used to great at lying" as he watched Loki get further away.

Tony Stark was the son of a genius, Tony himself was a genius and could do and make thing few others could understand. But despite his brilliance, despite his sharp mind, Tony didn't know what to do about the younger dark haired male.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, I do love Wade :)  
> I am sorry, but I'm afraid happy things don't happen any time soon.
> 
> Title Quote by Joseph Joubert  
> One of my favourite quotes, because it reminds me of Winnie the Pooh, not so much the meaning.


	23. Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's new daily routine.

Loki was happy. That's what he told himself everyday when he woke up. After another restless night with little sleep, after making his way to the bathroom, and while staring at his reflection he told himself he was happy, and that he was fine. The face staring back at him was pale, more so than it always had been, and deep dark bags were starting to appear under his eyes, but of course it was just the lack of sleep. Lack of sleep, that's all. The way he was constantly waking up groggy and thirsty were to be blamed on lack of sleep also.

After telling himself that he was happy, Loki made himself happy. After coming back from the bathroom, after opening the top draw in his desk, and while rubbing brown powder into his gums he slowly began to feel a mild happy buzz forming, and he was fine. It was enough to satisfy him before he could leave the house and get something else from Christian. Loki doesn't quite remember when he started hanging around with Chris for drugs rather than just the pleasant company. Did it happen after his first intake, or while Chris kept offering him more? When did Chris stop pushing them on him and Loki started asking for them? Chris pushed drugs upon him.

_No! He wouldn't, he couldn't. Shut up! Shh..._

_Chris likes us, he's only ever looked out for our best interest, it's our family that made us need drugs, Chris provided what we wanted._

_Yes, we're in control here. Finally in control._

With thoughts racing through his head, Loki quickly got dressed, not paying much attention to what he put on, before heading down stairs to make breakfast for himself. Loki wasn't hungry, he rarely was, probably something else connected to his lack of sleep. But he forced what he could of cereal down his throat, and made his way to his shoes to slip them on. It took longer than it would have before his issues with sleep, as he couldn't quite get the coordination right to tie his shoe laces. After triumphantly getting one shoe on, someone started coming down stairs, and so Loki, not wanting to face anyone, grabbed the left over shoe and ran out the door.

Loki didn't remember his bag or coat, this far from being the first time over the past four weeks, despite the t-shirt and jumper he was wearing Loki shivered against the end of January cold, while making his way to whoever's house Chris was currently staying at, _Chase Stein_ , his mind provided, none too quickly or easily. Loki had stopped getting lifts to school with Parker or Victor, in favour of getting there with Chris so he could have a smoke before school. Loki didn't think the Cabal minded his recent absence; he still saw them in the morning and was with them at break and lessons. Lunch time however also went to Chris so Loki could get another smoke.

Chris was still asleep when he went into his room that morning, which wasn't exactly unusual, so Loki went to straddle his legs while trying to coo him awake with soft words and kisses. Only when Chris stirred and hummed did Loki stop. "Morning Icicle," he greeted sweetly as Chris began to stretch beneath him.

"Already?" The blonde groaned, turning his head to check the time as Loki kissed his chest and hummed. "You here for a fix?" He already knew the answer, but Loki hummed more eagerly in response. "You know, I've got a certain problem now that needs sorting out."

"You know, I'm not your whore," Loki replied, though pulling back the covers, knowing how this game was played by now.

"No," Chris started taking a drag of a now lit smoke, he wasted no time in getting high, "but I am your drug dealer, and I can't possibly sort you out in this condition."

"I suppose," Loki answered removing Chris's boxers to the length he was now quite familiar with, what with the amount of hand jobs he'd given. But today he wanted something different. "Can I suck your cock instead, Icicle?" Leaning down and staring up with innocent eyes.

"Whatever you want, Loki Love."

So that's what Loki did, and although difficult, Loki found he quite enjoyed it, though that could just have been the knowing reward that spurred him on. Either way, Loki met the Cabal that morning high and with a sore jaw. "Loki," Emma greeted while Loki beamed at her. He did very much like Emma's hair, long and blonde, lighter than Chris's, more ice blonde, but Emma did dye her hair...Loki forgets what colour it is naturally. Loki also doesn't realise he's playing with it until Victor calls his name.

Loki drops the strand of hair sheepishly before turning to his best friend, who's hair is short and brown, but Loki doesn't focus on that, instead he vaguely wonders what it'd be like to have Victor's cock in his mouth. Loki catches the next words tumbling of out Victor's mouth as 'tutor' and 'drama' before everyone is moving around him.

Loki zones out during tutor, so he's not quite sure whether Tony had addressed him at all that morning. He tries to stay focused in Drama but there is just too much happening around him; luckily, Emma and Victor give him the role of a drug addict in their performance, which was quite easy for him to do. Loki finds himself more focused in IT, while he tries to figure out how pressing a key, makes it appear on the screen. Loki tries all sorts of things, like pressing the keys really fast, or pretending to hit one before going quickly to hit a different one; but everytime the screen manages to show what he pressed. Loki doesn't understand why no one else is bothered by this. So he asks Victor, who launches into an explanation on how keyboards work, "Underneath the keys are circuits, and each circuit is broken below each key. When you press a key it presses a switch which completes the circuit and..." Loki fades out and instead becomes focused on the way Victor's mouth moves rapidly even while his eyes stay focused on the work before him.

The rest of the day follows suit with distractions and black spots, Loki vaguely remembers being told off for forgotten science homework, of which he has no idea what his teacher is talking about, but is still given a detention to perform the following day, which was a shame because Mrs Rappaccini normally had such nice things to say about him.

Loki blamed the whole day on lack of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do love this chapter, I think it's the best one I've written in a while. I may or may not be imaging Loki as Gollum. And I can't be the only one who's done this with a keyboard before.  
> Also, I have only just realised that 'blond' and 'blonde' should be used in certain ways. 'Blond' is used for males and adjectives, and 'blonde' is used for females. However, I will not be changing anything, and will continue to always use 'blonde'. Writing is hard enough without having to remember this kind of thing.
> 
> Title Quote by Fyodor Dostoevsky


	24. Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony talks to Thor and Balder.

Tony decided that it was time to actually do something more productive with his concern. After Saturday he'd decided to just leave it be, it wasn't anything to do with him and he couldn't change anything anyway. But when Tuesday morning came and Loki was reminded about the detention he'd be sitting after school, the male started nagging at his mind again. Tony and Loki had shared tutor for 3 years, so Tony knew this was the first time Loki had received a detention.

By this point Tony knew he'd need back-up when approaching these matters, and Thor and Balder were the only people that were an option, Tony doubted that they were blind to Loki's change. But that did raise the question that if they had noticed, why had they just sat back and let it happen? Whatever the answer, Tony found himself knocking at their door after school. "Tony, my friend! What brings you here?" Thor greets, opening the door with a beaming smile.

Ignoring the pleasantries however, Tony skips to the point, "is Loki in?" Thor frowns, and responses in the negative. "Great," he chirps while pushing his way past the blonde, "I was hoping I could talk to you and Balder about him?"

When Tony turned back around to his friend, his face was set in a stony expression, "what concern have you about Loki?"

 

"Our brother's current state has nothing to do with you, Stark." Tony rolls his eyes at the oldest Odinson, Thor had been easy to convince into hearing him out, but Balder was another case entirely.

"So? No one else is doing anything about it. The Cabal won't talk about it, and you're clearly not doing anything!"

"I tried to stop this from happening! Don't presume to know what is going on with our brother!"

"Clearly you didn't stop it from happening! But surely you can stop it from getting worse." Balder didn't reply to him this time, only turned away, instead Thor answered for him.

"We've tried to talk to him Tony, but it only pushes him further away."

"Out the door and into the arms of Christian Frost," Balder added anger flowing from his voice.

"Frost?" Tony asked before realisation hit him. "Drugs?" Directing the question to the blonde who nodded sullenly. "Shit...you'd think Loki was smarter than to get into that."

"Don't you look down on him Stark," Balder growled, turning back around to glare at him, "you can hardly talk when you're drinking whenever you get the chance!"

"Hey-!"

"Please don't start fighting," Thor interrupts, standing up from his place on Balder's bed to move between them. "Brother, Tony's drinking habits aren't that bad," Balder only huffs and crosses his arms, "and yes Tony, Loki has fallen into a bad crowd but there is naught we can do about that than help him get out of it."

"Thor he has no place in this, he doesn't even like Loki," Balder argues.

"T'is true, Tony you must understand our concerns over your intentions." Tony doesn't have an answer for that, even after hours spent in the lab he hadn't come up with a liable reason. Many theories had been formed but nothing that felt concrete. But in cases like this something was better than nothing.

"I know I don't have as much connection to him as you two do, but he's my friend's little brother, I feel like in a way I've grown up with him and...well it's weird to see him in the way he is, and to be quite honest I'd just like Loki to go back to glaring at me than not realising I'm even there," Tony didn't really feel like he was lying, but not all of it seemed like the truth. From someone else's perspective, it would seem he had a little bit of a crush, but Tony knew better because although he could appreciate that Loki was an attractive male, he saw that the younger was batshit crazy, just like his friends. Besides, Tony had a nice safe relationship with a girl who actually liked the sight of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter to celebrate 69 kudos, because I'm entirely immature. Thank you to everyone has who kept up with me this far, it is most kind. Imaginary skittles for everyone!
> 
> Title Quote by Martin Luther King Jr.


	25. You are never strong enough that you don't need help

Although Tony was able to realise the route of the problem through his talk with Thor and Balder, they didn't really get anywhere in the discussion on how to help Loki. Tony knew they were worried about only making things worse but this was getting ridiculous. Of course they couldn't really do anything, not until they convince Loki that he actually needs help; you can't force someone on drugs to quit, they have to want to. So instead, he was suppose to sit back and wait for them to come up with something. However, Tony just wasn't known for his patience, and he couldn't wait forever for Balder and Thor to stop being fearful.

"I know what you're doing," Tony whispered a couple of moments after sitting down next to Loki that morning. Of course, the male didn't reply, but Tony could tell he was listening. "You know the only reason your brothers aren't doing something is because they don’t want to push you further away. The only reason Balder hasn't bashed Christian’s teeth in is because you’ll hate him more. Me, however, I know you hate me, so what do I have to lose."

"Stark, don't get involved; leave me be."

"Sorry, Star-shine, no can do." Tony smirks over to Loki who curls his hands into fists. "How long have we known each other Loki? About ten years now? I know in all that time we haven't really got along, but-" he cuts himself off as soon as Loki's hands fly up to his nose and his eyes open wide. "Are you okay?" Loki nods quickly, before pushing out of his seat and dashing out the room; Tony soon follows despite protests from their tutor.

 

"Loki-" Tony cuts himself off once again as the named holds up a hand towards him.

"Keep away from me," despite telling himself that he should give Loki some privacy, the blood spattered on pale skin has him continuing to trail after him.

Only when they're in the privacy of one of many school bathrooms does Tony speak up. "I can't help thinking that this nose bleed is a result of drug use?"

"I'm not on drugs, Stark," Loki pathetically growls back while pressing a large amount of tissue to his nose. Despite the initial disgust at the thought, Tony steps in.

"Come here," as he guides Loki over to sit against the wall, head tilted forward, and pinches the middle of his nose, with minimal protests. "You okay?" Tony speaks up after several awkward moments.

"I feel like I'm about to throw up." It takes all of Tony's strength not to laugh at the sound of Loki's voice, but he gets there. Tony's not really sure what to do now but he knows he doesn't want to stay stuck in here any longer.

"Get up, I'm taking you home," he sighs, pushing himself up from his position on the floor. Tony has to catch Loki as he staggers on his way up, shaking his head.

"No, I-I can't go back home," Loki stutters, and although Tony questions why, Loki doesn't answer. "Just leave me alone, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself." Tony can only roll his eyes then as Loki moves over to a cubicle to throw up. "Maybe leaving...would actually be a good idea," Loki gives in before another burst of vomit comes from his mouth, "but I'm still not going back to my house like this. I'll just have to vomit in your house instead," Loki wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and turns round to smirk at Tony, blood still running from his nose. It's at that moment that Tony remembers why the Avengers don't like Loki.

"You are not coming into my home," Tony tells the standing male while pointing a finger at him.

"And why not? You persist in being involved in my life and then moan when I let you."

Tony doesn't know why he goes along with the bloody smirking male, but he does, maybe it's in the vain hope that he'll get answers out of Loki this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title Quote by César Chávez


	26. If you want to make peace with you enemy, you have to work with your enemy.

Loki fades in and out on the trip to Tony's house. He decides he likes Tony's car, it was a lovely shade of red...or was it black...Loki can't quite remember anymore. Generally colours have been fading together over the past couple of weeks, probably the lack of sleep again. Tony's car smells nice too, certainly better than Chris' room, fresh and new. Loki continues to look around the two seater car, everything is very shiny, black and comfy...so comfy. "...Loki! Earth to Loki." Huh? Oh right...the owner of the car is also here. "Finally; your head is always somewhere else lately, but that has nothing to do with drugs right?" _Arrogant ass_ , this is exactly why the Cabal hate Tony Stark. Loki just glares in reply to Tony's questioning; what he's doing or taking has nothing to do with him. "Don't fall asleep in my car." Loki didn't even realise he'd been drifting off, but the thought makes him smile and close his eyes further. "I mean it, I will push your sleeping ass out."

"You're car is nice."

There's a moment of silence before Tony speaks up again, "wow, so that's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

Loki shrugs in response, "I like it though."

"Stop it, this is getting weird."

"Have you ever had sex in this car?" Loki didn't even know he was thinking about that before the words slipped out of his mouth. Loki opens his eyes again to see Tony's reaction, who's just staring at him. Suddenly Loki is very self-concision about the way he looks, it's probably the least attractive he's ever been, with tissue stuffed up his nose and dried blood around his mouth.

"I'm not answering that question," Tony finally replies, turning back to the road.

"I bet it's a no, Pepper seems too respectable to allow you to fuck her in a car," he mutters while stretching his arms. He feels vaguely sick again.

"Well, you're right about that. But what makes you think I didn't have sex in here before I was dating Pepper?"

"You're car is clearly new, most likely you've been dating Pepper longer than you've had it." Tony makes a soft hmm in agreement.

"Even hooked up on drugs you're mildly observant." And that turns Loki back to glaring at the other male.

"I'm not on drugs, Stark."

"Whatever you say, Tinkerbell."

 

Loki doesn't remember the last time he was in Tony's house, though he doesn't remember much these days. He knows he and the Cabal used to come here when Tony was throwing a party, the Avengers were always too drunk to notice by the time they arrived. It doesn't matter anyway, because Loki doesn't recognise the corridor they're walking down, but then Tony's house is huge. "Yeah, thanks for noticing." _Maybe my mouth filter is broken_. "Maybe," Tony agrees as he deposits Loki in one of the many bathrooms, "wait here." Then Tony leaves the room as Loki starts throwing up again.

"Hey, Thor," Tony greets as his friend finally picks up the phone. 

"Tony!" Thor replies happily, and Tony can hear Pepper in the background, mouth moving a thousands words per minute. "Where are you my friend?"

"At home, there was a little issue in tutor," Tony tells him cooly while fixing a glass of water for the issue in his bathroom.

"He said he's at home...there was an issue...I don't know I'll ask him."

"Pepper?"

"Yes, she has been worried all lesson."

"Is she motioning for the phone?"

"...Yes, she's angry that you didn't call her," Tony laughs, the image of the angry red head vivid in his mind.

"Well, considering the issue goes by the name of Loki, I figured you'd be better to call."

"Is he okay?" Thor quickly asks, his tone much more serious then it was moments ago. _Good to know who he's more concerned about_ , Tony thinks sarcastically. 'What? Thor, what is he saying?' Tony hears Pepper's muffled voice asking.

"Nose bleed, vomiting; I can only guess it's drug-induced hypertension." Guess work is the only thing he has to go on while Loki's refusing to talk to about it.

"Is he okay?" Thor repeats in a much more demanding tone.

"He's on drugs Thor, he's hardly at the height of psychical health."

"Tony." 'Thor, tell me what he's saying.'

"Just tell Pepper that I'm perfectly fine and I'll call her later," he waits for Thor to do so before carrying on, "it's nothing too serious Thor, it's only secondary. As soon as he's calm and his blood pressure goes back down he'll be fine. But he's still on drugs, and if this is happening now image what else will if you and Balder don't step in and help him."

"I understand. Myself and Balder will be on our way as soon as we can, we'll talk to him."

"Good, I'll try my best to be a good host until you get here."

"Thank you, Tony," Thor says before finally hanging up. _Suppose I should get back to Tinker-Bell._

 

The soap feels really nice on Loki's hands, makes them really smooth, and Loki can't help but repeatably slowly stroke the thin layer of foam on the back of his hand. He's not quite sure how long he stays there doing so, but as soon as Tony says his name he's pulled back to reality and washes it off. "Brought you a drink," he says offering Loki a glass, which he starts drinking quickly. There's still a strong acidic taste in his mouth. "How are you feeling?"

"Horrible," Loki states simply not wanting to talk to Tony anymore. He edges away as the other male sits down next to him.

"And to think I thought we were becoming friends," Tony says raising an offended hand to his chest.

"We will never be friends, Stark."

"Harsh."

 

"Why did you tell them I was here?" Loki groans upon seeing his brothers walk into Stark's living room. It really was the last thing he needed. He still felt sick; Loki just wanted to see Chris, as soon as he got high he'd feel better again.

"I'm not having you stink up my house with your vomit," Tony piped back, earning yet another pitiful glare from Loki from where he was lying down on the sofa.

"How are you feeling, brother?" Thor asked coming over to kneel down in front of the younger Odinson, but doesn't get the chance as Loki quickly jumps up.

"Fine. Take me home."

"No, we're talking about this," Balder states blocking Loki's way to the door.

"There's nothing to talk about." Loki narrows his eyes, but Balder doesn't back down. "Fine; what exactly do you want to talk about, _dear_ brother?"

"You, Loki! About what you're doing to yourself," Balder exclaims, as Loki rolls his eyes and sits back down.

"I'm not doing anything," he sneers, turning away from his brother, once again feeling quite sick.

"We all know you're on drugs, star-shine."

"No I'm not," Loki dismiss', and proceeds to rub his face with the heel of his hands.

"We just want to help you through this, brother," Thor tries to reassure, but all he gets for his effort is a horrid laugh.

"Ha! No you don't, you just want to control me. You're simply annoyed I'm turning into something you don't like. But in case you didn't know...I'm not here to please you!"

"Loki-"

"No!" Loki shouts, jumping back up from the sofa, interrupting his eldest brother's try at reason. "You will not manipulate me! There's nothing wrong with me! The sooner you realise this is who I am, the better; because I won't let you change me," the black haired male grins madly at his brother, trying to mask over the hurt he really is feeling. In the back of his mind he wants to listen to his brothers, knows that they'll be able to help, but his paranoia gets the best of him. His mind rants endlessly on how they just want to take his happiness away from him. _They're not happy unless you're not happy. You don't even need help, everything is under control._

"We're not trying to-"

"Bullshit!"

"Stop interrupting me! Just sit down and listen!" Balder yells.

"There you go again, trying to order me around," Loki points out and stays standing, but Balder ignores him.

"You're too young to even be trying drugs!"

"I'm not on drugs!"

"Really? Then what is it that Christian's been giving you?" Loki pauses slightly before answering, he's not sure why it shocks him that Balder even knows about that.

"He hasn't given me anything," he finally says, voice quieter than before.

"It doesn't matter if you've taken anything, Loki," Tony starts in a calming tone, "all that matters is that we help you stop taking them before they cause you serious damage."

"I don't need any of your help," Loki grumbles, refusing to look at any of them.

"Okay, but if you do, we're here," the younger male only glares at the wall in response to Tony's words, he can't trust any of them. Balder raises a questioning eyebrow at Tony, who mouths back 'trust me', and despite not knowing whether that's a good idea, he doesn't say anything.

"Take me home...now." Loki demands in a quiet voice, and his brothers comply, saying a quick 'thank you' to Tony on their way out.

Although Balder feels they didn't get anywhere with Loki during the short space of time, he has no choice but to follow Tony's lead, having no clue which way to go himself. Eventually Loki will open up, they just have to be patience, and hopefully, it won't be too late when he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another fill in chapter, but I needed to add more Tony into this story, and Loki's nose bleeding is very important, so take note.
> 
> Title Quote by Nelson Mandela


	27. Men in rage strike those that wish them best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki tries something new

The next day Loki still wasn't feeling too great, and so decided to take the day off school to see Christian. The two were currently spending the day sitting on the older's bed, smoking while the younger complained about yesterday's events. "You just need to forget about it, Loki Love," Chris tells him once he's paused his rant in favour of taking a drag on his joint.

"I can't forget about it, Icicle, they need to learn to leave me alone," Loki grumbles out before biting his nails.

"I'll give you something new, if you want?" Chris offers, smiling lazily. _I don't think that's such a good idea_ , Loki thinks to himself, _I'm taking enough as it is, I don't want things to get too out of hand_. _But Chris wouldn't give us something if it was a bad thing, would he?_

"I don't know, Chris, I think I'm fine with what I've got."

"Come on, Love, it'll help you out," Chris pushes, but is met with a shake of the head, "don't be boring, Loki."

"I'm not boring," the addressed quickly replies.

"But you won't even take this new stuff with me," Christian sighs and turns away from the younger.

"I will, I'll take it okay, please don't ignore me," Loki begs until the blonde turns back to him with a smile on his face. "What is it?" 

"Don't you worry about that; it'll make you feel good, and that's all that matters" Chris promises, before going under his bed to pull out his metal tin that Loki had become very accustom to seeing. Loki still isn't too sure about this, and instead of watching Chris he goes back to biting his nails. "There's no need to be nervous, Loki Love," but Loki doesn't feel very comforted. "Listen, if it'll make you feel better, I'll take it first, and you can suck me off while I do. You're really good at that, aren't you?" Loki nods this time, and forces a small smile on his face. _I am good at it_ , Loki praises himself, and gets to work, eagerly wanting more complements from the older male.

Loki can't help but feel much better once he's taken Christian's length into his mouth, and the male starts sending small words of praise down to him. However, it's not as fulfilling as usual, normally Chris has at least one hand embedded in his hair, this time though, both Christian's hands are occupied, one with a blue lighter, and the other with what looks like a tin foil joint. Loki soon finds, as he watches Chris smoke, that he actually can't wait to have a go.

It's fair to say that Loki is feeling _amazing_ for the rest of the night, and arrives home with a massive smile craved into his face. He feels so full of energy, and...and happy, which of course is the main thing. Even the sight of his mother's angry expression doesn't effect his high. "Loki," Frigga greets her son, who pays her no notice, in favour of getting a glass out the cupboard and a drink of water. But Loki finds he can't stand still and drink, and instead starts moving from foot to foot quickly, all the while trying not to spill the liquid. Loki lets out a giggle as the clear liquid ends up spilling over anyway. "Do you really think this is a laughing matter?" Frigga angrily demands, but Loki has no idea what she's talking about. _Maybe she was talking_ , his mind provides.

"I didn't hear you, what did you say?" Loki asks happily.

"The school rang Loki. You weren't there."

"No," he giggles again, "I suppose I wasn't."

"This has to stop, Loki! Going out every night, getting into trouble at school! And this isn't the first day you've had off, your school performance is declining!" Has he had more days off? Loki doesn't remember having other days off, she must be confused.

"Mother you needn't worry about my school life, I'm-"

"Don't you dare say your fine young man, because we all know you're not!" Loki furrows his eyebrows at his mother's tone. _She has no right to speak to me like that_. "What happened to my little clever boy? What are you doing, Loki?"

"Don't pretend to care about me!" Loki screams, though slightly unaware how he was set off so easily, he carries on. "You never care about what I'm doing unless it's making you look bad!"

"That's not true," Frigga states softly.

"Shut up! Don't try and lie to me! You know fully well, that you don't give a shit about me! You've always preferred Thor and Balder! So don't try and get involved in my life now, just because you're not happy with how it's going!" Loki begins to shake with his fury, and his mother's sadden face only increases his hatred.

"You're my son, Loki, you know truly that I love you, just as much as your brothers."

"Don't make me laugh, mother. I know you despise me, just as much as your fucking husband does. Because lets face it, he's never paid me any attention has he." Loki spits manically.

"Loki..." His mother whispers, as tears begin to form. Before this sight would have made Loki's heart hurt, but now it has no effect.

"It's not just me though is it! You hate my friends is well! But they'll always be more family to me than you'll ever be!" Loki starts to feel wetness on his own face, but right now he has no idea where it's coming from. "Actually, you know what'll make you happy? If I just just left, right? Then you can just have one of Thor's friends as your son!"

"No Loki, of course not. I'd hate that. Please just stop." Frigga begs her son, but the madness doesn't leave his eyes.

"Stop? Stop! It's your fault I'm like this! You and your goddamn family pushed me to this!"

Loki doesn't spare his sobbing mother a glance as he storms upstairs, and slams his door shut. As soon as he looks in his bedroom mirror, Loki begins to laugh. His face is tear stained, but still he can't quite figure out why. The blood yet again coming from his nose doesn't bother him. Loki makes no move to prevent the tears or blood coming from him. He just continues to laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by a comment that Gege+Qurban left me ages ago. So thank you, because I really love this chapter :)  
> I also feel as though this answers In_Good_Faith's question, about why the parents aren't getting involved. Odin I suppose doesn't notice, and Frigga's scared of pushing Loki away because everytime she talks to him he yells at her. Also, I find that whenever I think of Frigga, I imagine her to be quite a naive women, so I don't feel like she realises what's going on with Loki, she just thinks he's going through a bad phase. But thank you for your comment, because really it reminded me that I haven't included much of Loki's parents, which I'm going to try and do now.
> 
> See, I do read comments, and I take what everyone says on board. So, if you'd like to suggest anything, go right ahead, because although I have my plan written out, it's not in detail, so things can be added.
> 
> Title Quote by William Shakespeare


	28. You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn't depend on blood.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki reminisces.

Something struck a cord within Loki yesterday while he was arguing with his mother. It made him realise he hadn't been seeing the Cabal lately as much as he should. They were his family. They deserved to be treated better than this. Himself, Emma, Tony and Parker had been friends since their first year of school, back when they were several feet shorter at just the young age of six.

It was their first day of year one when Loki had met Tony. Loki had spent the first part of the day glaring at the other kids and so no one had approached him or sat next to him in class. He didn't want to be there, Loki hadn't understood how school worked back then and thought his mother was trying to get rid of him. When Tony had pushed the boy he was sitting next to off his chair he was moved over to Loki's table. Tony hadn't been fazed by Loki's glaring so the two soon became close friends, bonded over the feeling of abandonment.

It was a couple days later when Loki and Tony started their friendship with Parker. Parker's mother had been mentally ill for only a little while back then, and his father was finding it hard to cope with a young child and a wife that couldn't be left alone. So generally Parker missed quite a lot of school days when he first started. When Tony and Loki had noticed Parker trying to remove himself from group activities and sneaking off to do his work in the corner of the room instead, Tony had decided they had to take him under their wing, and so they did.

Emma was a bit different. She wasn't an outcast like the three of them, instead she had started the year and made her own friends, who now also go to Marvel High and refer to themselves as The Hellions. It was over a month into the school year when Emma decided they irritated her more than they were pleasant. Instead she decided to sit with the three of them, because after seeing Loki and Clint Barton get into their first fight, she thought they 'looked interesting', and well she never left them alone after that.

Loki spent most of his time playing with Parker back then, since they lived on the same street Frigga would give Parker a lift to and from home with them and then he'd end up staying round Loki's house afterwards. This is actually what led to Loki and Clint fighting for the first time, but Loki won't go into detail, it seems so idiotic looking back it now. Tony and Emma weren't allowed to play out with them after school, but as soon as they turned 8 and their parents allowed them to go further into the neighbourhood, and Tony learnt how to sneak out of his care home, they started spending more time together. They stuck together all through Primary School, and made sure they were all sent to Marvel so they could continue.

At the start of year 7 is when the name Cabal was given to them. It was a fad when they started, and still is, that each friendship group have it's own name. During one of their English lessons, Tony had been skimming through the dictionary when he found the word meaning 'a group of secret plotters'. It seemed quite fitting to them back then, and to some extent still now. When they started they kept to themselves, never spoke to anyone else in there class, and even glared at those who came to close. Of course that changed, and Loki supposes it was after Victor joined them.

It was then during year 8, when each of them were 13, that they met Victor. Victor had caught their interest straight away. Nobody really approached him, it may have been the poisonous glares he sent anyone who did, or it could have been the fact that during the start Victor spoke very broken English. Victor's family were travelling gypsies so Victor never went to school until he started at Marvel High. Despite this Victor had outstanding brilliance, and that's why he was brought over to study. However, it does raise the question how did Principle Fury catch wind of Victor? On his second day of school Loki persuaded his now best friend to come sit with them at lunch, and made sure that he continued to do so. Victor caught on to English extremely quickly, being almost fluent in the language within his first month, and his Latverian accent all but disappeared by the end of his second.

One could argue that Wade was apart of the Cabal now, but they had only met him this year when he was moved over from Sector 5 to Sector 6 for biting one of the other pupils. Surprisingly, Fury had actually come up to the Cabal and asked that they look after him, Loki can't say exactly why though, Fury has a habit of keeping secrets. Though it was probably a good call, Tony took a shine to Wade straight away, even if the rest of the Cabal were having difficulty.

Loki smiled at the fond memories of him and his friends on the way to Victor's house that morning; he figured he'd be able to go one day without a smoke from Christian, he still had his brown powder after all. Loki can't help but smile broadly at Victor once the male has opened the door. "You look like shit," Victor states before moving to let Loki in. It's not exactly the greeting Loki was hoping for, but it'll do.

"I've missed you too, Vicky." Loki wastes no time in making himself at home on the sofa, while Victor disappears into the kitchen. Loki had really missed his best friend's house, still so comfy. Loki is just drifting off when Victor reappears with a mug.

"Drink that," he orders, before sitting down next to him. Loki takes the mug from his friend and peers over the rim to inspect the light brown liquid. It smelt odd.

"What's this?" Loki asks scrunching his nose up.

"Dandelion tea, it's healthy. Drink it." Victor doesn't elaborate further, only watches and waits for Loki to start drinking. He does, it's best not to question Victor's judgement. Loki doesn't like it, it tastes quite bitter. "I know it doesn't taste nice," Victor starts, noticing Loki's expression, "but it'll help your body detox."

Loki quickly moves his eyes towards his friend and lowers his cup. "Why exactly does my body need to detox?"

"You're not sleeping very well." Victor says simply after a moment of silence.

"How do you know?"

"It doesn't take a genius to notice. You have large dark circles around your eyes, which considering your age would mean you have a lack of sleep, or you're eating alot of fatty foods, but considering your weight, it's more likely the former." Loki looks down at himself, he wasn't that thin was he? "The reason for your insomnia is most likely because you have...negative toxins within your body." _He knows_ , Loki's mind whispers to him.

"I'm fine," Loki quietly says, refusing to look at Victor.

"I'm sure you are Loki. It's none of my business."

Loki knew Victor meant well, but he couldn't stop the feeling of panic course through his mind and body for the rest of the day. Though it did decrease gradually at lunch when he met up with Christian. The Cabal couldn't know about his drug use, not now, he'd tell them in his own time, if at all. Loki didn't think he'd been that obvious, but he was sure Victor knew, despite how subtle his friend had tried to be. Victor was a smart man, the cleverest person Loki knew, so if anyone was going to figure it out, it'd be him. Loki had wanted to spend the rest of the day with his friends, but ended up going round Chris's after school anyway to try calm down further. He didn't take anymore of the new stuff Chris had offered him yesterday, he just wanted to be mellow.

However the effects are never permanent, which showed as Loki continued to argue with his family whenever they crossed paths. He managed to refrain from going home with his brothers now, he supposed they decided it wasn't worth the trouble. Instead his day had changed as such: with his sleep pattern worsening Loki got up earlier, making more time to start the day going round Victor's, who would make him gross tea which apparently should, and did, help him fall asleep. Then Loki would make his way over to where ever Chris was staying that week, for his morning smoke. School would follow, and again he'd have 'lunch' with Chris. After that Loki would spend a couple of hours round Victor's, sometimes the Cabal would be there, sometimes they wouldn't, either way, Victor would feed him more disgusting Dandelion tea. Loki would end the day getting high with Chris, before making his way back home, hoping to avoid anyone on the way up to his room. Tonight, this hope was not in his favour.

"Loki?" Thor whispered to him, stepping from out of his room.

"What do you want?" Loki asked, his mind felt fuzzy, he really didn't want to deal with this right now, but it was easier just to indulge Thor rather than to ignore him.

"I've noticed that you've been coming in very late recently," Thor said calmly, but Loki rolled his eyes, annoyed, nonetheless.

"Oh, _well done_ , I just _love_ your observation skills, Thor, you know you're not quite as dimwitted as you seem." Loki turns to carry on to his room, only to be stopped once more by the larger male.

"Brother, please. I'm concerned."

"How many times must I tell you to leave me alone, you big stupid oaf," Loki spits out, he thinks about leaving as previously planned, until he sees Thor's hurt expression. "I don't need your concern, I don't need _you_. No one does, because you're too idiotic to be of any use to anyone." Loki pauses to smirk as Thor's puppy dog expression increases. "Jane's a lot more intelligent than you, isn't she?" 

"Shut up," Thor snaps angrily. And the nerve has been struck.

"Why? I speak only the truth."

"No you don't, your tongue is always full of lies."

"I don't think so." Loki sing-songs, now he's having fun. "You want to know what I also don't think? I don't think Jane's ever going to want you."

"Stop it." Thor orders through gritted teeth.

"Or what?" Loki questions to no reply. "Yeah, that's what I thought." Then finally, he enters his room, leaving a conflicted Thor on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have mixed feelings about this chapter, on the one hand I love it, and on the other it's just 'eh'. I want to do a one-shot at some point on Loki as a small child, because I've already gotten like his whole life in this AU written out in my head, as well as each other member of The Cabal, and if you do end up reading it (if I post it, because of course I'll write it either way) you'll find that, as is shown in this story, Loki has a hard time remembering things for how they were. 
> 
> FWI, incase you wonder, Emma was part of The Hellions Squad of Xavier's school, not of The Hellions of Hellfire's school, which would actually make more sense because Emma was headmistress there. Just to make things more confusion I have added the second Hellions group to my school iswell, but as Hellions Massachusetts. All this is irrelevant though, because it's doubtful eitherwill appear in future stories.
> 
> Title Quote By Trenton Lee Stewart


	29. Was it always to be like this? A moment of joy followed by a new sorrow?

"I mean the movie is amazing! Unless someone cares a lot, nothing will get better; you know?" Loki nods vaguely, but he can't say he's quite focused on what's being said. "Do you know," Klara says stabbing a finger into his chest, "that between 3 and 6 billion trees are cut down each year...that's like...far too many for my liking."

"It's crazy." He agrees, moving slightly away from the black haired girl. Klara Prast may be his favourite of all Chris' friends, but she weirds him out sometimes; she has something of a fetish with plant life. He's been told not to mention that she is in fact smoking dead plant. As of right now, Loki is with Chris and some of his friends, one of them, Loki doesn't remember which, was throwing a party, but they've ended locking themselves in the conservatory to smoke. It's quiet in here, a complete contrast to the rest of the house.

"You know, there are a bunch of lizards that are going extinct, Klara, you don't hear me banging on about it." Gertrude says, rolling her eyes from her place in Chase's lap.

"Plants are very important, Gert," Klara pushes, only to get a huff in response. "You won't be laughing when you're choking on carbon dioxide." Loki just moves his eyes between the two older females as they argue.

"Come on," Christian stands, after a few minutes, pulling Loki up with him. "Lets go do something else."

Something else turns out to simply involve dragging Loki through masses of bodies until they reach the kitchen for another drink. Loki observes the drunken people around him while he waits; he's not quite sure what it is, but it seems odd, or wrong even, to be here. From the bodies grinding in the living room, to the white powder being taken in the bathroom. Loki just feels like he wants to be doing something else. "You okay?" Chris asks, snapping Loki out of his thoughts. "You coming down?"

"I don't know, maybe, I feel odd." Loki sighs, but Chris only blankly stares at him before suddenly breaking into a grin.

"We should do something fun." He states happily, and Loki forces a smile back, while nodding shyly. "Take this." Chris offers out his hand with a colourful pill in the middle of his palm.

"I'm not sure if I should try something new."

"Trust me, I haven't let you down so far." Loki looks up at Chris, and stares into his cloudy eyes. _So far_ , rings in his head. _How far is too far_ , he questions to himself, but then, _one more little pill won't harm us_ , comes from an even louder voice, and as usual Loki follows it. After nodding in agreement, Chris places the pill on his tongue before dragging him into the mass of bodies again.

It's quite a while later that Loki starts to feel any effect. First it's just his heart racing, sending a feeling of nausea throughout his body. Loki continues dancing along side Chris, and hopes the feeling passes soon. He closes his eyes to take in a deep calming breath, and when he opens them again the lights all seem much brighter, and the music, _wow_ , he loves this song, Loki doesn't know what it is, but it sounds amazing. Then it hits him like a brick wall, euphoria; and suddenly Loki really can't focus on anything anymore, his eyes move from one thing to the next, and he can't seem to catch his thoughts, because everything around just seems far too important. It's just what he needs. _Needs_. _Touch_. Loki quickly grabs onto Chris, and kisses him. The desire to just touch is intense, and it doesn't matter how hard Loki presses himself against the older male it's not enough. He begins to play with Chris's hair, it seems so much softer than usual. "How are you feeling?" Chris laughs at him, and Loki smiles blissfully back at him. Chris kisses him again, and when he bites on his lower lip, Loki rocks his hips forward in immediate arousal. "Shall we go somewhere a little more private?" Chris whispers in his ear, and it's all Loki can do not to moan on the spot.

Loki arches into Chris's touch once he's laid out on the bed, but he doesn't know whose. Things seem to be going so fast, and Loki can't keep up with what's happening. All he knows is that he needs. Needs to be touched, needs Chris right now. Loki closes his eyes as bursts of wonderful sensation flow through his body everytime Chris touches his bare skin. As he opens his lids again, the room has gained a green hue, and Loki giggles openly at it. "I'm going to make you feel good now, LokiLove." Chris tells him, breathing into his ear.

"What are you going to do?" Loki asks happily, running his fingers through Chris hair, arches yet again into the body above him, still just needing so much more.

"Something better than anything else." Loki feels like maybe he should be concerned, or at least find out exactly what's going on, but Chris just seems so trusting, Loki can't think of any reason to doubt him, and instead just lets it happen.

"Okay," Loki giggles again. Then he feels an odd, but so pleasurable feeling in his lower region. Inside him maybe. Loki goes to look down to see what's going on, but doesn't get the chance as Chris captures his mouth again, and suddenly Loki doesn't care anymore, as long as he feel good. Loki moans as the feeling continues, increasing every once in a while, until it's just gone, and a whine escapes his mouth.

"Don't worry, it's going to be so much better." Chris ensures, just before the feeling is back, only different. It's all too much and not enough at the same time. It's pain and pleasure, all in one. Loki tightens his grip on blonde hair, as he moans loudly, and Chris laughs at the same volume. He doesn't know what's going on, but he likes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really feel like I should have put more detail in this, but it needed to be vague, because that's where Loki's head is. I'm actually having a lot of trouble writing it from a drugged up perspective without it just seeming like shit writing. 
> 
> Anywho, this is on a lot sooner than I thought it'd be, turns out, chapter 33 wasn't that hard afterall. And, the start of this chapter is referencing The Lorax, because that's what I was watching at the time, but it worked out for the best since Klara Plast has plant powers. Incase you didn't know, Chris's friends are The Runaways, which I've never read, so if you have I hope I haven't portrayed them too badly. 
> 
> Title Quote by Sheir Khashoggi


	30. That's what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you're not so lovable.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki snaps.

When Loki wakes up the next morning, he doesn't remember where he is. He twists his body, only to stop as he whimpers in pain. His lower region feels bruised and cut. Loki lifts the cover to inspect, to find he's completely naked. Christian's sleeping still besides him, and Loki notices that's he's lacking clothes is well. _What happened last night?_ Loki just can't seem to connect the dots. He tries to sit up, but quickly lies back down as a sharp pain shoots up his back. In the end Loki just cuddles up to Chris, and tries to fall back to sleep; but he doesn't, he's far too confused. Loki knows the answer, he just can't reach it. His head hurts, his mouth's dry and his mind is far too fuzzy to be making any coherent thought.

Loki stays there for over an hour before Chris finally wakes up. The blonde turns onto his side so he's facing the younger. "Morning," Loki whispers, "sleep well?"

"Brilliant," Chris smiles lazily. "Great night, huh?"

"I guess, I don't really remember." Loki admits, hoping to pry answers out of the older. "Are you going to tell me about it?"

"Well, we had very good sex last night." Chris says, before getting out of bed and starts searching around the room. Loki's eyes widen but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say. Surely Chris is joking, right? _Right?_ Flashes of last night suddenly come back to him. The pain and pleasure, mixed as a whole. Then again he feels the current pain in his back side.

"W-why?" Loki finally stutters out, as Chris also finally finds what he was looking for. Another smoke.

"Because you asked, and I obliged." The blonde doesn't even look at Loki as he lights up his smoke.

"I did?" He doesn't remember that, but then he doesn't remember much of anything still. Christian wouldn't lie to him though, so he must have done. Loki puts a hand on his head. It's really pounding. He just wants to go. Collect his thoughts. Nothing seems right.

"Where are you going?" Chris asks, as Loki starts pulling on his discarded clothes, trying his best to ignore the pain. Where is he going? He can't go back home, not like this, not right now. _Victor._ Of course, to Victor's.

"I'll talk to you later," Loki tells Chris, kissing him quickly on the head, ignoring his question completely. Loki has to dodge multiple passed out bodies on his way out, and he has to wipe away tears that start to fill his eyes, because it just really hurts. _Victor will help_ , Loki tells himself, _Victor is always there for me_.

Victor doesn't say anything when he answers the door, just allows Loki to come in, who goes straight for Victor's couch to curl up on. Loki knows that Victor's gone to get him a gross drink, and despite still hating it's taste, he really wants one today. He smiles when Victor places a mug on the table in front of him along with two white pills. Loki closes his eyes as an image of Chris giving him a colourful pill floods his mind. "What are those?" He asks nervously.

"Painkillers." Victor states simply.

Loki lets out a sigh of relief. "Should I even ask how you knew?" He asks, reaching out to swallow them easily.

"You're walking funny." Victor again more states than explains. But when Loki looks over at him, his face is full of question. Of course, Victor can't ask, as much as he may want to. Loki doesn't have to tell Victor what happened, but he finds that he sort of wants to. Wants to confide in someone.

"Apparently I had sex last night." Loki keeps his eyes on Victor, whose only movement made is the raising of an eyebrow. "You can ask, I want you to."

"Apparently?" Victor quickly asks.

"I just...I'm sure it happened, but I don't remember it too well." Loki turns away from his friend then, doesn't want him to see the weakness in him.

"I'm right in saying that this was your first time?" Loki just nods in reply, though he's a little bit annoyed that Victor had to ask the question in the first place, he would have told the Cabal if he'd done something before. Would he? It's not like he's told them about anything he's done with Christian previously. Might as well tell Victor now.

"I've done things with him before, but not...this. I wanted to, I think, at some point, but not this soon." However, he did go to Christian purely for this, to get this far with him, to prove to Balder he wasn't a child. But that reasoning seems so long ago, and everything feels wrong now. "Victor...I'm not even sure if this was a hundred percent consensual." Loki finally says as his eyes fill with tears, it's what he'd been thinking but it feels so much worse to say it out loud. Loki leans his head on Victor shoulder as the other male gives him an awkward one armed hug. It can't be said that Victor's excellent at comforting others.

They sit there it silence, with only Loki's sniffling breaking it, until Victor asks, "do you mind me asking who it was with?"

"Only if you promise not to tell Emma."

"Christian Frost?" Victor guesses straight away, making Loki think he knew anyway. Either way, Loki nods in agreement. "I won't say anything to Emma." Loki smiles as he wraps his arms around his best friend.

"Thank you, Vicky."

Loki ends up falling asleep soon after, drifting off to the thought on how sex with Victor would be.

 

Loki tried to spend less time with Chris the week following, he just didn't feel comfortable enough to be around him too much anymore. He didn't see him at all in the mornings, and if he went to see him after school, he made sure that one of Chris's friends were with them. It's not that he didn't exactly trust Chris anymore, Loki just needed to get his head straight on what happened...that night. With Loki taking less drugs though, lead him to become much more irritable. It wasn't until the next Saturday though when he really snapped. Loki woke up to see he had no more brown powder left, which was the only thing he had to make him mellow and ready for the day ahead. So, having to skip his morning routine of making himself happy, Loki headed straight down stairs for a drink to sooth his sore throat. Only, that just made him worse as he was greeted by The Avengers, which granted was a sight he hadn't seen in his kitchen for quite a while, but annoyed him nonetheless. "Heya, Tinkerbell." Came Tony's voice in his ear, but Loki just ignored it and kept walking, focused only on getting drink.

"Are you okay, Loki? You're shaking." Natasha pointed out.

"Please, look at him. Would it hurt to put on a little weight?" Loki tightened his grip on his glass as Clint spoke. _I'm not that thin_.

"Brother, perhaps you should go back to bed."

"It's rude to ignore people you know."

"Loki I think there's enough water in that cup now."

"Loki your cup is overflowing, stop pouring!"

"Loki-"

"Shut up!" He screamed as he span around to throw his glass at The Avengers, which smashed on the wall behind them. Unfortunately not harming a single one of them. "Just leave me alone! Don't you think I've taken enough shit from you!"

"Loki-" Tony starts, but stops once the named turns a poisonousness glare at him.

"Stay away from me." Loki quickly makes his way upstairs to get changed so he can go get what he needs from Christian. When Loki looks in the mirror he notices his nose bleeding again, but he doesn't laugh this time, he just feels weak. But despite this, Loki pushes himself to run all the way to where Chris is staying. He just needs a fix, then he'll be fine.

"LokiLove," Christian smirks when Loki enters his room. "You want something?" Loki nods tiredly, but stays standing in front of the older male. "Just in time, I was just about to get myself off, and that wouldn't be half as much fun now would it?"

"I'm not here to do that, Chris, I just need you to give me a fix." Though Chris's smile doesn't flatten.

"Loki, you do realise that I'm your drug dealer?" Loki nods. "Good, then you realise that you need to pay me then?"

"I haven't had to pay you before," Loki points out, far too confused.

"Not with money you haven't. You're lucky that I like you, otherwise you would have had to."

"Then what exactly have I been paying you with?" Loki snaps, he is not in the mood for Chris's games.

"Sex, of course, you've been giving me hand jobs, blow jobs and well...actual sex, in return for your drugs." He explains, and Loki has to sit down, he feels like such an idiot. Why hadn't he seen it sooner? Loki takes a moment for the realisation to sink in; it seems so obvious now. He thinks back to times Chris had asked Loki to get him off before giving him drugs, but at the time he hadn't thought that was anymore than a bit of fun.

"I was doing that with you because I liked you," the 'expect for the actual sex' goes unsaid, but Loki feels it anyhow.

"I know, and I went along with it because I like you too, LokiLove." Chris says, dropping down to Loki's level to hold his chin. "I think you're very attractive, and I wouldn't do this for just anyone."

"You could have told me that was what was going on," Loki furrows his eyes at the other male.

"I didn't want to ruin a good thing." Chris smiles brightly, and against Loki's best effort he lets a smile small slip. If that's the way their relationship is going to be, than so be it. Loki needs someone to want him. It's not like he has anything to lose. _Anymore_ , his mind adds on, but Loki pushes it out.

"Okay. But can I please take a rain check on the payment. I don't feel very well, Icicle." Loki says sweetly.

Christian nods, before getting Loki a new bag of brown powder. "But this is all you're getting."

"Perfect," Loki sighs in relief. He kisses Christian before heading back home. Loki can't decide whether he hates Christian or not right now; but he's certainly pissed off.

Once Loki is back home and in the safety of his room he immediately opens his bag and starts to rub his drug into his gums, and feels instantly better after doing so. Loki sits on his bed, and rubs his face while waiting for the effects to take hold. He still feels weak. Loki thinks back to what Clint said, 'would it hurt to put some weight on?' _When was the time I ate? Did I eat yesterday?_ Loki has no idea, but he knows he just doesn't have an appetite anymore. Loki starts to rub more powder into his gums, but as he does so the door opens and in strolls Tony Stark. "Not on drugs, huh?" Tony smiles smugly and leans against Loki's desk.

"Get out." Loki tells him darkly.

"You do realise all the negatives that are going to come of this, right?" Loki rolls his eyes, and puts his stuff away.

"Don't lecture me, Tony." But it seems as though Tony wasn't really paying any attention to him.

"I've been looking through your school reports; don't looked shocked, I'm a genius, I can do that." Loki rolls his eyes again, Tony Stark is too narcissistic for his own good. "Loki you're intelligent and you have so much potential. Recently however, since you came onto the drugs, your school grades have dropped, there’s a lot of talk about you not paying attention in class, and failing your exams at the end of the year. You’re ruining yourself, Loki, don’t you see it!”

"It's make me feel good, and that's all that matters." Loki says softly.

"This is going to kill you..."

"Maybe, but I'd rather live in happiness, being able to ignore how my family hates me, than live in misery having to face it"

"Do you really believe that?"

"...I don't really know what I believe anymore. But I believe that they don't care...and if they didn't hate me before then they certainly do now." Loki takes a moment to contemplate what he's just said, before he realises it was Tony Stark he's just opened up to. "Get out." He growls, and this time Tony obliges.

As soon as Tony leaves Loki's room he heads towards Balder's where Thor is also. The other Avengers had gone home after Loki's little snap. The three of them had decided that it'd be best that Tony go and talk to him once he returned, though it was _if_ he returned at the time. "You need to talk to him." Tony tells the two Odinsons once he's shut Balder's door.

"I thought we had previously discussed that was a bad idea." Balder points out.

"The way you're talking to him is a bad idea. You need to be calmer."

"How can I be calm when he's doing this to himself?" Balder huffs, and Tony just has to roll his eyes. Dealing with the Odin family is far more difficult than he had thought.

"If you want him to get close to you, you'll have to."

"What did he say?" Balder asks, skipping the point. Once Tony has repeated Loki's words, they decide that Balder and Thor will try again with Loki tonight, and take a calmer approach.

Loki spends the rest of the day sat on his bed. He doesn't know why he's on drugs anymore, all he knows is he doesn't want to stop. Loki's sure he doesn't like Chris anymore, but he needs him, if not for drugs than perhaps even sex. Despite the timing of their intercourse not being ideal, Loki knows he enjoyed it, and knows he wants to do it again. Loki only makes any movement once there's a knock on his door, and even then it's only a slight turn of the head. When Loki doesn't reply to the knock, a voice comes from the other side, "we brought food." Loki didn't realise he was hungry until his stomach suddenly starts to rumble. So he gives in and answers his door to Thor and Balder.

"Can we come in, brother?" Thor asks happily handing over a plate of biscuits. It makes Loki sick to his stomach, the happiness, not the food.

"No." But Loki isn't that lucky as his brothers don't let up, and prevent him from closing the door in their faces. Normally Loki would kick up a fuss, but right now he's really not in the mood, and simply walks back over to his bed, allowing them to do as they please.

"How are you, Loki?" Balder asks, sitting on the chair at his desk.

"Fine," Loki doesn't bother to look up from where he's picking at his biscuit.

"You do know that we care deeply for you, brother." Thor says, as heartfelt as he can, not that Loki sees it, all he can think of is Tony.

"Has Stark said something to you?" Loki asks angrily, narrowing his eyes at the pair.

"Yes, Loki, but that's not the only reason we say it," Balder says calmly, but Loki's blood is already boiling, and he doesn't know who he's more angry at, Tony for getting his thoughts out of him, Balder and Thor for using it against him, or himself for allowing himself to be open. "We say it because it's the truth."

"I honestly doubt that, you say it because you think it's what I want to hear, so you can get me on your good side again."

"Loki, please, you're our brother and we love and care about you; we just want you to be well again." He wants Balder's words to be true, but he just can't believe them, not while his mind screams in negative at him. Loki's eyes start to pool again, he can't take this anymore, his mind is far too conflicted. One side tells him to let his brothers in, and the other tells him to scream, punch and bite, before they hurt him.

"No you don't!" Loki screams, giving into his thoughts, but they don't stop. _Hurt him, punch him, attack him_. Loki pulls at his hair, and wills his thoughts to stop.

"Loki," Balder starts again, coming instead to sit opposite him on the bed. _Get him_. "Don't you see what these drugs are doing to you?" _He's trying to take your happiness away again_.

"Stop trying to control me," Loki forces out, hardly able to concentrate over the screaming in his head. _Stop him!_

"I'm not, Loki; I just want you to be healthy." _Lies! Manipulating lies! Hurt him, punch him, get him. Kill Him!_

Loki scream as he lunges at Balder, and after they've both fallen off the bed, starts punching him repeatedly where ever his fists just happen to land. It feels so good just to let out all his pent up rage. That is until Thor comes and drags him off their older brother; but Loki doesn't let up as he begins to kick and scream in Thor's grip. "Loki stop!" Thor tells him with difficultly, trying hard after all to keep hold of the squirming male. _He's ordering us_.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Loki shouts through tears, but to Thor or his thoughts, Loki can't tell. Loki, amongst all his flailing manages to punch Thor in the eye, but he doesn't seem all too effected. Neither does Balder by Loki's kicking as he comes to stand in front of the screaming male to place a hand on each side of Loki's face.

"Loki, please, you need to calm down before you hurt yourself." Loki wants to stop, he does, but he just can't bring himself to. "Thor, put him on the floor!" And the two brothers manage to, but with great difficulty, position Loki on his knees so he can no longer kick out.

"Just leave me alone!" Loki screams to then, breaking into a sob. He knows Balder's right, he needs to calm down; he can already feel the blood running from his nose. Though Loki doesn't see it, Balder nods for Thor to leave, and brings Loki into a hug close to his chest. Loki tries to hit Balder with the little room his arms have, and does so until he gets too tired.

In the end Loki just holds onto Balder's shirt, crying and repeating 'I hate you' over and over. Balder doesn't leave however, he sits there on the floor until Loki falls asleep, all the while carding his fingers through the black locks, thinking about how he's going to kill Christian Frost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The animal that eats gotta scratch and fight and claw and bite and punch. And the animal that doesn't, well the animal that doesn't winds up someone else's lu-lu-lu-lu-lunch.  
> No one else? No? Okay then...
> 
> This chapter flows just terribly, I know I know. I'm starting to feel like most people stopped reading ages ago, and to be quite honest I don't blame you. But to those who are still reading... Loraxs for everyone °\\(^▿^)/° Yea!
> 
> This was two chapter, but I'm coming very conscious on how many chapter this story has, so I'm trying to combine.
> 
> Title Quote by Deb Caletti


	31. Sometimes we want what we want even if we know it’s going to kill us.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki has a mini breakdown...again.

"He did what!" Tony yells into his phone the next morning spiting cereal over the table top.

"Exactly what I just told you," comes Thor's reply on the other end, and Tony can't help but groan into his hand. The Odinsons are going to be the death of him. He had phoned Thor up expecting good news, not to learn Loki had assaulted them.

"Well, where is he now?" Though Tony's sure he already knows the answer.

"He was gone before we woke up, most likely gone to see Christian again," Thor explains, proving Tony's assumptions right.

"Okay," Tony sighs, getting up to put his bowl in the dish washer, "call me when he gets home, and I'll talk to him again tonight."

"Actually, Stark," Thor says quickly before Tony can hang up, "myself and Balder, think that perhaps it would be for the best if you didn't."

"Excuse me?" The question coated more with arrogance rather than confusion. "I'm apart of this now, blondie, you aren't kicking me out of the Super Secret Save Loki Squad."

"My brother's situation is no joke, Stark."

"I never said it was. I understand the seriousness, Thor, I'm not an idiot, remember?"

"We just don't understand your need to ingrain yourself within Loki's life." Thor points out dejectedly and hangs up before Tony can even defend himself. However to Thor's favour, he does have a point, even Tony doesn't understand why he feels the need to involve himself at all with the youngest Odinson.

Thor doesn't end up calling Tony later that night, not necessarily because he doesn't want Tony talking to his brother, but because Loki doesn't end up coming home that night. Instead, he's found lying naked in bed with Chris Frost smoking another tin foil joint.

"See, our situation isn't all that bad, right?" Loki doesn't reply, he just can't help but feel the sense of being used. "You like it though." Chris states rather than asks, and his cocky attitude brings out a glare in Loki. "Don't look at me like that. Smile."

"You're a dick." Is what Loki finally says, re-averting his gaze to the wall opposite him.

"Don't act like this isn't a win-win situation. You're getting your drugs and we're both getting some action." Loki only continues to act pissed off with the other male. He's more annoyed with himself than with Christian though. He likes it, enjoys every dirty second of it; but the thought that he's doing it as payment, makes him sick. The thought that he'd had his first time taken away from him for drugs...well, it doesn't make him feel very good. "You should be grateful that someone's taking an interest in you; take my adoration as a compliment."

"Grateful?" Loki ponders out loud to himself. _I should be grateful?_

"Yeah, because, and don't take it too badly," Chris starts, running his fingers up Loki's arm, "but I'm probably the only one that is. You're not at the hight of attractiveness at the moment." Loki's eyes had snapped back towards Chris, hurt now currently displayed on his features. "It's true though, I'm probably the only one who wants you now." The only one who wants him? _I'm not that bad, am I?_ A wave of depression suddenly rolls over Loki, too quickly, like a flick of a switch and he finds he doesn't feel like smoking any more, so he hands his joint back to Chris, before turning over to curl up with his back to the male. _Not that bad_ , Loki continues to repeat while he tries to fall asleep, with no luck. Instead he stays awake all night, telling himself he still has everything under control; but of course he doesn't. Even Loki sees it.

Loki doesn't hurry home the next morning, infact he doesn't get in until late afternoon. That's after he's taken a small smoke and allowed Chris to have sex with him again. When he says allowed, Loki means he asked Chris to, in a desperate attempt to raise his self-esteem. Not that it worked. Once Loki is in the should-be comfort of his room he grabs his desk chair and shoves it against his door so no one can enter, before he starts to peel each item of clothing off his sickly pale body. Loki used to be slim, used to have a little bit of a poach on his stomach. Though now as he stares at his reflection in his full length mirror on his wardrobe door, he knows he no longer has his finer figure. He wants to lie to himself, to be able to believe that he still looks great, but he can't, there's no point when he can so clearly see the truth. There's no more poach on his stomach, and he can too easily feel his ribs as he slowly runs a hand down his torso. His cheeks are hollowing, and the bags around his green eyes are very distinct against his white, almost grey complexion. Loki leans forward and pulls at his lower eye lids. His iris were once a bright emerald, but now against a sea of red veins they just seem so dull. Perhaps Chris was right, maybe the blonde is the only one who wants him. Loki sinks down to his knees as he think about how the older male had fucked him eariler. How he had been on his hands and knees moaning so loud for it. So needy. _You're a fucking mess_.

Loki sobs and backs himself into the nearest corner, then pulls his legs up to hug them against his chest. How did it come to this? _Having sex to pay for my high. Why do I even do it?_ He doesn't remember. He doesn't remember why he's doing this anymore, doesn't remember why or how it started. But he knows, he knows he can't stop. Even if he wanted to. Loki throws his head back and laughs at the ceiling. "Because I love it. Because it makes me feel so good." Loki moans, and bites his lip as he proceeds to laugh again. Oh, don't get Loki wrong he doesn't want Chris inside him, but he can't deny just how much he enjoys it!

Once his laughter has died out, the black haired teen crawls over to pull his own mental tin from under his bed. Loki doesn't normally smoke when he's in the house of Odin, but he doesn't think of that as he starts rolling a smoke. As soon as he's back in his corner he lights up and takes a drag, running his fingers through his hair as he exhales. "Sitting naked in your room, getting high on you don't even know what. Not really something a fifteen year old should be doing now is it, LokiLove?" Loki giggles to himself, before taking another deep drag. "I'd say you were right there, Loki, but then what's the alternative? Sit around playing happy families with mummy, daddy and our wonderful big brothers?" Loki digs the heels of his palms into his eyes, then brings one hand down to place his smoke back between his chapped lips. "I don't fucking think so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely love that last paragraph! This chapter was written twice, but after watching Filth six times in one weekend this is what I come up with. That movie is perfect inspiration for this story, too bad it came out nine months after I started writing. So if Loki seems quite Bi-polar in this chapter, Filth is the reason why.
> 
> So I suppose I'm sorry for taking too long to update, the current chapter I'm writing is a pain, but I'll be done with that soon and updates can become more frequent...but I'm very unreliable, so don't hold me to that ^-^
> 
> Title Quote by Donna Tartt


	32. For he had gone away and he could never go back anymore

Loki sniffs and runs his hands quickly over his face and through his hair. _I'm fine_ , he repeats to himself over and over again, trying to stay focused on his reflection in the mirror. It's difficult, and Loki has to keep shaking his head and blinking to stop himself from zoning out. "Just fine," he says more demandingly through gritted teeth. Loki breaths out a steady breath, and tries to smile at himself. A sob escapes his lips, and Loki quickly covers his mouth with his hands to prevent anymore. _I'm fine_.

"Of course you're not fine!" Tony's voice screams in his head.

"Shut up, shut up," Loki mutters to himself, trying to removing the earlier memory from his mind. He tries to focus on something else, like the music thumping through the floor boards beneath him. Loki hmms along, and finds himself calming down somewhat. But while is focus is preoccupied his mind starts to drift before he can stop it.

***

 

Loki'd only briefly come home to change his clothing ready for the party of the week. He hadn't realised how long it'd been since he'd gone home until he had his parents yelling at him. After his mini break down within the confines of his room, he'd gone back to Chris during the middle of the night, still unable to sleep. Chris had supplied him a smoke to help him mellow, and in return Loki had let the blonde lazily fuck him, though he's quite sure he fell asleep half way through. He doesn't realise it at the time, but he spends the next three days with Chris, completely missing school and forgetting the fact that he needs to be home. Loki's under the impression that it's only Wednesday when he finally does return, after going to Chris on Monday night. In fact it's Friday, and his parents were pissed.

They start by demanding to know where he's been, but Loki, not liking their tone, tells them it's none of their business. Apparently it is their business, and apparently he shouldn't talk to them like that. "You can't just come and go as you please, Loki! We are you're parents and you will treat us with respect." Loki had rolled his eyes and mumbled, "you're only my parents when it suits you," but they hear him, and order a repeat. Loki obliges and screams the sentence this time. There's a brief silence before Odin goes into a rampage on how ungrateful Loki is, and Loki continues to argue back on how they don't care about him. It's there that he remembers how this all started. Loki's not listening properly to what his father is saying, but he hears the word 'faggot' loud and clear. Murderous, is one word to describe Loki in that moment, and a constant string of obscene hate pours from his mouth. Loki doesn't even notice Balder's presence until his brother is holding him back from lunging at their father.

Loki doesn't remember the moments of fury after that, but somehow he's upstairs, calmer than before, Balder watching him with a newly forming bruise along the left side of his face. "Don't say anything to me," Loki had warned him, catching his eye in the mirror. _Still a fucking mess._ Blood yet again present on his face. "I'll talk to him," Balder tells him before leaving the room so Loki can proceed to get dressed in peace.

***

 

Sitting in the corner of the bathroom, Loki is now smoking a joint to calm himself down and rid himself of his shaking form. "I'm in control," he mutters to himself, carding the fingers on his free hand through his hair. Loki had successfully ran out of the house after that, ignoring his family's shouts for him to come back. They had let him go, but his solo walk didn't last for too long. Loki taps his ash into the soap dish next to him, breathing out a frustrated breath as Tony Stark's voice fills his head again.

***

 

"Loki!" Tony had yelled, running up to him. If Loki were in the right frame of mind, he might have remembered a similar scenario only 6 weeks previous. But he's not. Although his mind is working on a faster beat than the last time Tony came up to him while walking up the street, his memories are still cloudy and distant.

"What do you want now, Stark?" Loki doesn't spare him glance.

"I just need you to listen to me," Tony pleads, stepping in front of Loki, "it won't take too long." The reassurance does nothing, and the glare Tony receives shows him his going about this the wrong way.

"I don't care," Loki shoves Tony as hard as he can and carries on walking once the older male is out of the way.

"You attacked Thor and Balder," Tony says following in behind, while Loki silently curses his brothers' blabber mouths. "Don't you think that that's a sign that this has gone too far?"

"Piss off, Tony," Loki growls under his breath.

"I'm trying to help."

"I don't need your help!" Loki spins around quickly. "This has nothing to do with you!"

"Well someone needs to stop you Loki before you seriously hurt either yourself or someone else!"

"I'm fine," Loki mutters, folding his arms, trying not to mull over Tony's words.

"Of course you're not fine!" Tony shouts at him. "Don't you know what drugs do to people?"

"What difference does it make to you?" Loki shouts back, and he can see that Tony is at a loss for words as he stumbles to start his next sentence.

"You just don't understand-"

"No, you don't understand!" Loki interupts, he's had far enough of Tony getting involved in his life. "I don't like you! I fucking hate you, Tony! You're an Avenger, a group that has had the aim to make my life a misery for years. Ten years I've put up with your shit! You think just because I'm fucked up that I'm going to forget that! Fuck you!" Loki turns to walk off again, he doesn't feel like he's got his point across, but his head hurts, and he can't think straight. He needs a fix, he needs something to take away this stress.

"When you realise that you've gone too far, Loki, you can come to me any time."

***

 

"Bastard," Loki spits into the quiet of the bathroom. He quickly finishes his smoke, and goes to the mirror to make sure he's presentable. "Good enough," he says to his mess of a reflection. Loki needs something else in his blood stream, something to help remove the memories from his mind, at least for a while. 'You're not fine!' The voice screams again. Loki grips hard on his hair, anything to rip the noise from his head. "I'm fine," Loki says desperatly to himself once more, before going down back into the party in search of the blonde who'll give him what he needs. Too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter inspired by Filth, the scene where Bruce is sitting in the bathroom freaking out which only last a few seconds, but inspiration none-the-less! 
> 
> Title Quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald


	33. Sometimes you hit a point where you either change or self destruct.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About this chapter...*runs and hides*

Loki wasn’t exactly sure where his mind was as he stumbled up the road. Everything was spinning, and he was sure all his weight was being transferred to his legs just planning to assist in tripping him over face first into the floor. The last thing Loki remembered was smoking with Christian in the later’s room while necking a bottle of...no, he doesn't remember. There had been fumbling soon after and Loki was found naked with his legs wrapped around Christian’s waist, fingers digging into the older male’s shoulders. Gasps and moans of pleasure ripped through the pale body and escaped through the silver-tongued mouth. "Do you think I'm attractive?" Loki had asked, vaguely remembering a time many months ago when an irritating male had asked a similar question. The thought had made him frown, and when Chris had replied in negative, Loki carried on taking more substance than he ever had previously.

But Loki wasn’t sure how long ago that was, all he knew was somehow he’d made it to his best friend’s doorstep wasted out of his mind. He was in search of comfort, and Victor von Doom was the first person he had thought to go to. Victor soon opened the door looking like he’d been awake all night, and knowing him he probably had; despite this he still looked a hell of a lot better than the drunken teenager. The door was opened wider giving enough room for the slim male to stumble his way across the threshold.

Loki flops onto his back on Victor's couch, staring up at the ceiling. Having sex with Christian had just made him feel worse about himself. Although the drugs had made him forget why he was upset in the first place, they hadn't actually improved him mood. Now he's just depressed...and horny. Loki doesn't know what drug's had that effect on him, but then he doesn't know what he's been taking anyway. Loki subconsciously spreads his legs, and lolls his head towards his friend, who has his arms crossed, simply staring back at him. Victor's very attractive, isn't he? Short, neat and yet at the same time messy brown hair, and iris to match. It's rare to see his eyes in a none narrowed state. Loki can honestly say he's never seen a look of pure happiness on Victor's face, or heard a laugh that wasn't a slight snigger. Loki supposes it's just a Victor thing. The best thing about Victor right now, is that he looks nothing like Christian Frost, and Loki needs that. He starts to imagine Victor fucking him instead of the blonde, and while he thinks, without realising it, starts to palm himself through his jeans. If Loki wasn't so off his face, he wouldn't be this bold, but he is. "Are you going to help me with my release Victor, or do I have to do everything myself?" Loki asks non-too-seductively. He wants, and he needs this. Wants the touch of Christian off him, and needs a touch of comfort instead. Loki sure his best friend will give him what he needs.

Victor tries to ignore the stir in his stomach as Loki stares at him with half lidded eyes. He thinks about crawling inbetween the skinny jean clad legs, nipping at the bony jaw before biting harshly on the pale neck; thought about it, yet made no move to do so. _It'd be wrong_ , he thinks, to take advantage of Loki in this state. Then again, Victor does struggle with moral values. He'd take what he could get while it was available. "Take your pants off and you might get a better feel," he suggests after much consideration, not tearing his eyes away from green ones. The black haired teen bites his lip as his hand movements cease in favour of pushing his jeans down. Once that's accomplished the hands move to remove his t-shirt, leaving him clad only in boxers in front of Victor's carefully watching eyes.

"Now what, Vicky?" A whispered voice asks, the owner's hands travelling slowly up and down his pale torso.

"If you want me to assist Loki, you've got to beg for it first, whimper with desire for me," the addressed moans lowly, and his hand moves to palm himself again, "so why don't you put on a show, and make me want to fuck you."

Loki moans Victor's name as he finally wraps one hand around his needy length, the other working his last piece of clothing teasingly away, now fully exposed for only Victor's eyes to see. The watcher hardens as he observes pale hands pleasure their owner's body. Though Victor never moves from his spot, and although he wants nothing more than for the skilful hands to wrap themselves around him instead, he knows how to hold back desire, and would not go in until Loki was pleading, nearly fully undone before him.

However, Loki was not so good at holding back desire, and soon long fingers were sucked into his mouth to be coated in saliva, ready to prep his entrance. Eyes closed and breath thick with want, Loki edged one finger into himself. Not much prep would be needed, as Loki was still loose from his previous encounter earlier that night. An encounter that had clearly not been enough to satisfy him.

Fingers quickly progress from one to three, and now Loki's fucking himself lazily with one hand, and stroking himself with the the other; his eyes now open, full of lust and directed towards the man of his interest. "Please…please V-Vicky, I need you, and I don’t want to come with-without you inside me," the male pants out, only ever breaking eye contact to close his eyes against a particularly great sensation. "Victor..." The plead is the last bit of encouragement the named needs to step over to the couch where the body is splayed out on.

Victor places three of his fingers against Loki's mouth, letting them be taken into the wet, warm void, before moving them out to replace Loki's own finger's. Loki gasps and moves his now free hand to grip onto the back of the couch, while rocking his hips against Victor's action. "Stop touching yourself," Victor demands as he continues working his fingers in and out of Loki, who does as he's told.

"Can I touch you instead?" Loki plays along and asks for permission. As soon as Victor has allowed the request Loki's hand shoot out to start on the removal of his trousers. Fingers have to be taken out in favour of undressing the remaining clothed teenager, not that Loki minds.

As soon as the member is freed from it's confines Loki's eyes fly up to Victor's, again asking for permission. When it is given with a nod, the black haired male drops from the couch and onto his knees, hand quickly enclosing around the length. Loki's lips wrap themselves around the head, eyes still focused on the ones above him as he takes more of Victor into his mouth.

Victor groans, hand coming down to grip painfully in Loki's hair, who moans in approval of the action. The blow was quick and simple, only an act to cover the length in natural lube. They both knew what they wanted, and foreplay was not it anymore. Under Victor’s instruction, Loki lay back down on the couch, legs again open and inviting as Victor knelt in between them. It wasn’t long before Victor was lining up and pushing into Loki’s entrance; a mutual groan of pleasure coming from the pair. Once he was buried up to the hilt, Loki grabbed the back of Victor’s head and pressed their foreheads together. A silent agreement was made, there would be no kissing. Victor saw nothing wrong with biting at the other's neck though, and as he began to, Loki made no complaints.

Loki did however claw at his back as the biting continued and the thrusting began. Vibrations of pleasure rippled through his being, mile long legs came to wrap tightly around the other’s waist, and breathy moans of the other’s name were chanted like a life support.

Though he could feel himself sobering up through the act, effects of drugs being replaced with heat of sex, Loki couldn’t care less. The sensation of the figure above him thrusting in and out of his body was all that matter right now. There may be regrets in the morning, and Loki would most likely just turn to drugs to block the guilt of sleeping with his best friend out; Victor might not even look at him in the best friend light again. But that was tomorrow, and now, tonight, Victor was fucking Loki. Loki came undone beneath Victor with a cry of later’s name, who followed soon after.

Victor panted into the crook of Loki's collar bone, as Loki stroked his fingers through his hair, as they had done many times before. Only those times they hadn't just had sex. "That was definitely different, huh?" Loki tests the waters and ends with a smile of relief once Victor lifts he head to smirk back.

"Wanna go to bed instead, I'm not sleeping on the couch," Victor suggests, but doesn't wait for Loki to reply as he stands up to pull on his discarded boxers.

"Do you normally just fall asleep after sex?" Loki jokes, following suit in the action before following Victor upstairs.

"When it's four in the morning and I haven't slept in near two days I do."

The pair get comfortable in the large double bed, Victor on his side facing the other who curls up against him, a usual sight to be seen when the two were both using the certain furniture. Victor lives on his own in a four bedroomed house, so Loki could sleep on his own, but he never did. Victor gives him a lazy one sided smirk as a good night before drifting off, but Loki stays awake and watches him. He doesn't understand how they've so easily gone back to regularity after being so suddenly intimate with one another. He also doesn't understand why it doesn't bother him too much. However, Loki realises in his coherent and somewhat sober state that despite his unwillingness to admit it, Tony was right. He needs to stop before he hurts someone with his impulsive behaviour. Though he seems to have gotten away with it this time, Loki doesn't want to risk losing a friend because of this. His body's gone to shit, he's practically prostituting himself, he's attacked Balder twice so far and that's not even the end of the list. So why it is that having sex with Victor makes him realise that the drugs have to go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...I'm not sure either why this was put in, I wrote it at the same time as Chapter eight, and I have tried to put hints of it throughout so I hope it's not too sudden. And Loki and Victor don't kiss because I think kissing is much more intimate than having sex, so Victor is having this view is well. 
> 
> Title Quote by Sam Stevens


	34. If I had my way, we would stop for more drugs on the way to rehab

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's not feeling too good.

Loki wakes with a banging head the next morning. He groans as he begins to sit up, but upon doing so feels bile rising up his throat. Loki's thankful that Victor has an adjoining bathroom as he dashes to the toilet to throw waste up into the bowl. He grips the sides of the porcelain as wave after wave of acidic liquid expels from his body. Loki groans unhappily as it finally stops, and wraps one arm around his stomach, feeling like he's being stabbed repeatedly, but keeps one hand on the toilet in a death grip. Tears start well up in his eyes at the pain. He's never felt this bad before. Loki starts to breath in and out, focusing on his breaths instead of the pain. He doesn't know how long he sits there for, but he jumps out of concentration as Victor puts a hand on his shoulder. "I think maybe you should have something to eat," he says as he flushes the toilet. Loki nods sullenly, but the pain in his stomach prevents him from making any move. "Do you need me to carry you?" Loki would laugh, if he could; instead he simply nods again, and closes his eyes as Victor puts an arm under, what he can of Loki's knelt form, and another across his back. Victor manages to pick Loki up with ease, more because Loki's mostly skin and bones at this point in his life, and thankfully is careful as he deposits Loki back in bed. "Don't throw up in my bed while I'm gone," Victor warns him and leaves the room.

Luckily Loki doesn't feel the need to throw up in Victor's absence, but he returns with a bucket anyway. He puts the bucket on Loki's side of the bed and places a mug of, Loki can only assume, Dandelion tea on the bedside table. "I don't want that, Victor," Loki grumbles and throws a distrusting glance at the mug. "It'll help get rid of that acidic taste." ...Okay, Loki wants it now. Victor leave again once Loki begins to sip on his drink, and returns five minutes later with soup and toast, in that time Loki had thrown up again. Loki doesn't remember the last time he eat a meal this size, and starts on it eagerly. "Do you want me to call your brother?" Victor asks, sitting down beside him, and Loki pauses his eating in favour of giving the other male a suspicious eye.

"Why would I want you to call him?" Victor shrugs, but doesn't answer. "Have you been talking to him?"

"Not so much talking, no," Victor says as a matter of fact, but doesn't look Loki in the eye.

"Then what is it more like?" Loki demands.

"He'll message me, to message you, to see if you're okay."

"You've been keeping tabs on me for him?" Loki's insides hurt, more than they already were, at the betrayal he feels. Distrust washes over him as he watches his should-be best friend carefully, and he doesn't want to feel that. Loki tries to push the emotion away, but finds it difficult.

"It's not like that. We all care about you Loki, and I wanted to know that you were alright. I've been making sure you're still alive, and Balder's been reassuring your parents that you're just round a friends house, safe and sound." Loki should accept Victor's answer and be thankful for it. But he can't, now that his negative emotions have started he just can't stop them. He wants to take comfort in Victor's words...but he just feels annoyed.

"What the fuck, Victor?" Loki pauses as he feels bile reaching up his throat again, and leans over to retch in the bucket. "You're not allowed to do that," Loki growls as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, "you're not allowed to care; it's not the way the Cabal do things." As Loki glares, Victor's eyes begin to darken, a look Victor hasn't given Loki in years, and it causes him to reel back. People know that when Victor has that look they should run and not look back. A look that Victor has given Reed many times, which soon leads to fury spat in Lavterian, and a trashed anything Victor can get his hands on, people included.

"Don't fucking speak to me like that, elkényeztetett kölyök," Victor sneers dangerously, and Loki doesn't know whether he's lucky or not that he still can't understand Latverian. "I was only trying to help, te hálátlan kurva disznó! Do it again, and átvágom a torkod és megbaszom a sebhelyet. Understand?" _No! Of course I don't understand!_ Loki nods shakily.

"I'm sorry, Vicky," Loki whimpers, fear still laced in his eyes even as Victor's slowly begin to soften. "I'm just irritable when I haven't had my fix yet. I'm not very good at controlling myself anymore." Loki doesn't notice how he's just inadvertently told Victor he is infact on drugs, but he's sure Victor already knows anyway. Victor nods in understanding and removes the soup bowl from Loki's lap so that he pull him into a hug. "We're okay, right?"

"Of course, Loki. Why wouldn't we be?" Really? Loki lifts his head off Victor's chest to furrow his eyes at the male.

"Well, you did just yell at me in Latverian. What did you say anyway?"

Victor shakes his head, "you don't want to know what I said."

Loki spends the rest of the day in Victor's house, and even allows the later to phone his brother to let him know where he is, but Loki still finds the whole thing weird. He alternates between sleeping, vomiting, eating and drinking while he's there. Loki doesn't realise how bad he is until he sees his reflection. He's a mix between grey and a pale green, and his veins stand out much more than should be healthy. Victor says his body's most likely reacting like this because a bad substance has entered his body and his liver is having a hard time dealing with it. Victor also suggests that Loki go to the hospital for a proper medical examination, but he declines. Loki tries to remember what he took last night, but he can't remember, he has literally no idea. Loki tries to name the drugs he's had previously, but he's never asked, he never cared to. Loki can remember having sex with Victor last night though, but it's something he's grateful for. Happy that he can remember his first time with someone. Of course he can remember previous times with Christian, not all of them, and not the first time. His first time. Loki hates Chris. It irritates him that all he can think about is running to him to get a fix. That's all he really wants right now; to get high to help take the pain away. If he didn't feel so weak, and wasn't in so much pain, he'd leave and take whatever Chris decides to give him.

However, Loki also remembers what he decided to do last night. No more drugs. He doesn't think he's ready for that yet though. He'll stop, he will, just not at the moment. Once more, Loki decides with a nod of his head, once more and then never again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure we're all aware that Latverian isn't an actual language, but apparently one of the other main languages they speak in Latveria is Hungarian so I'll be using that for Latverian. However I don't speak Hungarian, so I've tried my best, but if anything's not right, I'm at least 20% sorry. I went on a Hungarian insults page, and this is what I got:  
> Spoiled brat  
> You ungrateful whorish pig  
> I'll cut your throat and fuck the slot I made on it (This one makes me laugh so much, I'm going to pretend it's a common Latverian insult.)
> 
> Title Quote by Dina Kucera. I love this quote, the full thing is, 'If I have drugs, I do them. All of them. If I had my way, we would stop for more drugs on the way to rehab, and I would do them in the parking lot of the treatment center.'


	35. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki realises what's important

_Maybe this is rock bottom_ , Loki ponders twisting his lite smoke in his fingers. It's been two days since he decided to give up drugs, needless to say it's not going very well. At least he's at school today, which is a stride in the right direction. It's break time and the addicts are in their normal smoking spot, at the corner of the back fence, far away from the school, car park and the various sports areas. Loki looks up at their school, it's only one big building, 3 storeys tall; but then it had a massive playing field, a courtyard, stadium, tennis court, astro truff...court, Loki's not quite sure what that's for, and an extra building for assemblies. Loki looks over at the large stadium and remembers being in there four months ago when he first met Chris. If his parents would have just allowed him to walk home with his friends he wouldn't have been approach by the blonde. Wouldn't be in this situation. Loki turns back to the main building and wonders what his friends are doing now, wishing he was with them instead. As soon as he kicks this habit he can join them again. When he kicks the habit? _If_ he kicks the habit. It's a lot harder than Loki thought it would be. Loki'd ask for help, but he can't, won't. He doesn't want to appear more weak infront of The Cabal. Doesn't want his family to look down on him. Doesn't want to go crawling to Tony Stark.

 _Perhaps Tony might be the best choice though_ , Loki suggests thoughtfully, _he is the one I'll be around less afterwards. Which means less judgement and pitiful eyes. It's not like Tony can judge me, right? Word is he brushes his teeth with scotch._ However, there then is the fact that Loki hates Stark, and that's not something one should forget. He's also an Avenger, which roughly translates as untrustworthy, terrorising little prick. Loki narrows his eyes as he takes another inhale on his stick, hoping the smoke might answer his predicament. It doesn't.

"I was thinking, do you want to go to the cinema tonight?" Emma asked Loki and Victor in English while they were in the middle of doing their work. Emma didn't look up from where she's neatly writing their notes on a large A1 sheet of paper. Thanos had gone off to work with Marcia and Ivan, so Loki was left to uncomfortably sit on his own on his side of the table while Emma and Victor did most of the work.

"Why?" Victor questions, appearing to only humour Emma as disinterest coats his voice.

"Because the six of us haven't been out together is ages." Emma explains, and gives the pen and sheet to Victor to finish off.

"Six?" Loki asks absent-mindedly, not quite realising why it came out his mouth.

"Well...we've sort of made Wade an official Cabal now," Emma states awkwardly. Loki didn't know about this, which of course is fairly evident. Has he been replaced? With Wade? He thought the Cabal wouldn't mind that's he's been distant. Loki tries to push his paranoid thoughts down; Emma said six, which means he's included, he hasn't been kicked out. _Calm down_. "...You'll love it, it's got blood, crazy ass murder and an awesome twist." Loki comes out of his thoughts as Emma finishes, though Loki doesn't know what they're talking about.

"The last time you said that I figured out the plot five minutes in and wasted two hours of my life. I'm not going." Victor tells her, and Emma rolls her eyes with a flick of her hair.

"You're going. Tell him, Loki." The named blankly stares back at his two friends now looking at him. "Tell him that he has to come out with us..." Emma continues, making weird eye movements. Loki manages to catch on.

"Urmm, yeah... you have to, uh, go...to the cinema, Victor. It'll be fun." Loki smiles as best he can, and Emma seems mildly satisfied.

"Are you going?" Victor asks, and Loki tries to answer but is quickly cut off.

"Of course he is. He'll go home with you after school and we'll all meet at five." Emma finalises, and changes the subject. Apparently someone's been cheating on their girlfriend with a teacher. What is it with students and teachers getting their freak on in this school?

 

"It was never going to last though, they're both in different groups that are at rivalry with each other." By lunch Emma was still going on about her piece of gossip, which wasn't really like her. Loki wondered if anything else had changed while he'd been away.

"Emma, no one really cares, they're not in our sector, so it makes no difference to us," Tony points out, waving his fork around.

"I used to be a Hellion, Masters-"

"Like a hundred fucking years ago."

"-so it makes a difference to me. I want to know what's going on." Tony rolls his eyes and shoves a chip in his mouth. "Where was I?"

"Rivalry with each other." Parker supplies quietly.

"Oh right. So it wasn't a good match to begin with, like...like one of us dating an Avenger." Emma's analogy makes Loki think of Tony. He looks over at The Avengers table on the other side of the lunch room, Tony sitting inbetween Bruce and Steve.

"Did their pairing bring any kind of peace to the groups?" Loki frowns at his question, not sure where it came from. Why does this keep happening to him? It's like his mouth and mind aren't working as one anymore.

"They're not Romeo and Juliet, Loki, of course it didn't. The groups were just waiting for a reason for the two to break up, and so they made a bigger deal out of it than they should have." Emma explained, Loki just nods and carries on picking at his food.

"Kinda like what you're doing now," Tony adds smartly. Emma flicks peas at him in retaliation.

The day ends with Science just like it always does on a Monday, and The Cabal begin to walk home with each other before separating to go in opposite directions, Victor, Loki and Parker go left and Tony, Wade and Emma go right. Victor lives the closest to the school, but because Emma ordered him to keep an eye on Loki, he has to go to Loki's house before going to his own. "I'll just be a minute," Loki tells Victor, leaving him in his hallway as he rushes upstairs. He automatically falls to the floor as he shuts his bedroom door to get the metal tin from out of under his bed. He pulls out a bag of his brown powder, rapidly opening it before rubbing some into his gums. Loki instantly deflates as he does so. He sits there with his eyes closed for half a minute while he waits for the drug to enter his system, and once he's satisfied shoves the bag into his pocket. He's going to need it. Loki throws his school blazer on his bed and swaps it for a thin green jumper. It may only be the start of March, and so still pretty cold, but Loki just doesn't seem to be feeling the cold too much anymore. Still he's not as bad as Emma who hadn't stopped wearing her short white denim shorts even through the winter months.

As Loki walks down stairs he notices his mother talking with Victor in the kitchen. _The fuck_ , is Loki's first thought, because the last he noticed his family don't like Victor, or any of the Cabal for that matter. But then, Victor and Balder have been texting each other; first that, then Emma gossiping and now this. _What the hell is going on?_ "...It'd be going a lot faster is Reed wasn't a piece of shit."

"Well, that all sounds much too complicated for me."

"Yeah...for you," Victor mutters as Loki walks into the room. "Great, let's go," Victor abruptly exits out the same way Loki came in. _Well, that ended quickly_. Loki doesn't spare his mother a glance as he follows his friend out the house.

"So...you're speaking with my mom now iswell?" Loki asks, trying not to let his suspicion show, remembering how Victor was the last time he did that.

"Not willingly." Victor growls. "I hate families." Loki nods and lets the conversation drop. He instead rubs his tongue against his upper gums, still being able to taste his brown powder there, and doesn't think about how weird that looks until he spots Victor staring at him.

"Sorry," he says sheepishly, but then stops to wonder what he's actually sorry for.

"So, do we need to talk at all?" Victor asks offhandedly.

"About what?"

"The whole having sex the other day?" _Oh, that thing_. To be perfectly honest Loki hadn't given it much thought, he didn't really think it was an issue. "Is that not something people talk about?"

Loki shrugs. "What's there to say? We had sex, it's no big deal. I mean...is it weird that I don't think it's a big deal?"

"I think so, considering how upset you were when you had sex with Christian. You were kinda off your face when I fucked you, so it slightly seems like maybe I took advantage of you, perhaps like Christian did." Loki takes a moment to think.

"I hadn't really compared it like that." But Loki doesn't feel like Chris and Victor are connected in anyway, strangely. What Christian did just seems so much worse, and although what Victor did was wrong, Loki just can't feel mad about it. "Do you feel bad for what you did?" Loki asks, just out of curiosity.

"No, not even a little bit. But then I have no moral compass."

Loki snorts a laugh, "thanks, that makes me feel so special."

 

The Cabal meet at the cinema at the specified time and they all go in to take their seats in the theater, not even close to being crowded. "If this is such a good movie Emma, why is no one here?" Victor asks, but the blonde just tells him to shut up. Loki sits between Victor and Emma, with Parker on the other side of her, and Tony and Wade on the other side of Victor. Wade not sitting next to Victor though, because he would have ended up punching him in the face if he had have. Loki doesn't like to admit it, but he's really missed hanging out with his friends over these past couple months, even as Emma and Victor bicker over him, he feels a lot happier, not like the artificial happiness he's had. The brown powder suddenly feels heavy in Loki's pocket, and right now he just wants rid of it once and for good.

"I don't know what's going on," Loki whines as he hides his face in Victor's shoulder. Victor just shh's him, eyes glued to the screen. Loki takes another peak at the film, but instantly regrets it and closes his eyes again. On the other side of Victor he can hear Wade and Tony manically laughing at the display. Emma screams at certain bits but doesn't shy away from it like Loki does; and he's quite sure Parker fell asleep awhile ago.

"Well, that was actually a lot scarier than I thought it'd be," Emma sighs as they leave the cinema, luckily for her Victor very much enjoyed it, which is a win for them all.

"I didn't understand that at all," Loki moans.

"Well, you did have your eyes closed the entire time," Victor points out.

"I didn't get it either, but it was fucking awesome!" Tony exclaims and Wade just as excitedly agrees. Parker just yawns from besides them.

"I've got to go to the toilet," Loki mutters and leaves is friends to carry on talking in the cinema lobby. Loki locks himself in a stall and sits down on the toilet lid, pulling out his bag. He realises he's only gone two hours without anything, but he still feels the need to take more. Loki stops before rubbing the powder into his gums, and instead just stares at the substance on his finger. _What am I doing? I'm having a great night, I don't even need this_. He smiles fondly at the thought of his friends outside. _I have them_. Loki tries to put the drug back in the bag, but doesn't, he can't find the strength to move his finger. He wants it, but he knows he shouldn't, knows he doesn't need to. Loki just continues to stare. "Loki," he jumps at the sound of Victor's voice, dropping the substance to the floor.

"Shit," he mutters. Loki doesn't bother with it on the floor, and instead quickly seals up the bag and shoves it back in his pocket. When he opens the stall door Victor is staring back at him with his brow raised. "I'm fine," Loki tells him and moves to wash his hands.

"Weak stomach, right?" Loki lifts his eyes up to stare at Victor in the mirror. "All that blood and gore was far too much for you." Loki then realises that Victor isn't asking him, he's telling him. Loki smiles back at him.

"Thank you," Loki says as he finishes drying his hands.

"What?"

"I know you know," Loki says simply, wringing his hands together. He really wants that fix. "So thank you, for not saying anything." Victor nods in understanding, and motions for them to leave.

Loki uses his cover story on The Cabal once he gets back, and Emma jokingly calls him a pussy. Loki just calls Emma a slut as they all make they're way to the bus stops. While they wait for their separate buses they discuss doing this again next week, and Loki's insides swell up at the thought. He really wants to just be a normal teenager again, or as normal as a Cabal can be. Emma and Wade get on the same bus, as their houses are on the same route, as do Victor and Tony. Loki should be getting the same bus as Parker, but instead he hops on a different one, he's not ready to go home just yet. Loki bites his nails nervously the whole ride there, and half thinks about just staying on as the vehicle rolls up to his stop. But he needs to do this. After walking the short distance to the house he needs, Loki anxiously presses the buzzer at the outside gate and hopes he gets an answer. "Hello," comes a voice from the box.

Loki waits a second before pressing a different button, "It's Loki." There's no reply, but the metal gates open on their own, so Loki can only take that as a good sign. It's quite a walk up the driveway, longer than the walk from the bus stop. The person he needs is already waiting in the doorway for him when he finally gets there, but Loki just stands in front of him wringing his hands for a minute. He feels so pathetic coming to him like this, him of all people. Loki knows however, that if he ever wants to get his life back on track, he needs to do this. Whether he likes or not, his enemy is the only one who can help him. "I think I need your help," Loki finally says dejectedly, looking up into the face of Tony Stark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do love writing the Cabal together. I may have been doing so much writing recently, being random conversations between the Cabal, one shots set after this story, alternative versions of this alternative universe...anything but writing this story it would seem. It's just so long...but I'm finally on a roll with writing so hopefully more updates soon...hopefully!
> 
> If you're interested, Emma's piece of gossip is about students Joshua Foley and Cessily Kincaid, and then RE teacher Rahn Sinclair. When I started this story I had about 72 students and 20 teachers, and now I have 670 students(which I still have to add more because not all the sectors are full) and 121 teachers(which I haven't written personal lives for all yet). I'm going to try to slot as many students as I can into the background, so my hard work hasn't been for nothing.
> 
> Also I'm sure this was the first time I mentioned Ivan in this chapter. Ivan is an aliases for Eternity, who is a psychical incarceration of time. In this story I've made him Marcia Lang's twin. I only mention it because he may or may not(I haven't decided yet) become a front character in my stories.
> 
> Title Quote by Jon Katz


	36. All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Tony make some head way.

"I didn't think you'd come so soon, I figured I'd have to wait at least a week," Tony leads them into his living room. If Loki wasn't so nervous he'd roll his eyes at Tony's words, the older was always so sure of himself. They both sit down on the curved sofa in the middle of the spacious room, Loki crosses his legs under him, and Tony sits back with a glass of scotch in his hand, Loki didn't even notice him get one. "So what exactly was it that finally lead you to realising that you have a problem that needs fixing?" The black haired male glares at the smirking one, having a strong feeling that he's being mocked.

"Go to hell," he mutters.

"If you want me to help you, you've got to answer my questions." Loki continues to stare at Tony, waiting for him to back down. He doesn't.

"I'm leaving," Loki announces and stands up, the other male mimicking his actions. "You offered me your help, I won't let you use this against me to get the info on me you want." Loki makes a move to leave, but Tony quickly blocks his path.

"That's not what I'm doing," Tony says sternly, "if you want to get off these drugs, you need to really want to. Which means you need a reason for doing so to keep you going when things get tough. You need something to drive you, because, and trust me on this, you may have only been taking these a couple of months, but it's going to be so fucking hard to stop." Tony gives Loki a hard stare until he nods in understanding. "So tell me, so we're on the same page, what's your reason?" Loki sits back down, and Tony do so too but much closer to Loki this time.

"The Cabal," Loki says quietly, "I want to be a member of Cabal again."

"They kicked you out?" Tony exclaims in shock, and Loki quickly shakes his head.

"No, but I think they've replaced me...with Wade." Loki knows that's not true, he really does. But he also feels like he's not a true part of the group right now, and whether that's truth or just his thoughts, it doesn't matter, he doesn't like it either way. "I need them," Loki tells Tony, looking him in the eye, "and to have them I have to get over this. That's my reason."

"Okay," Tony says slowly, nodding along, "hopefully that'll do." Tony goes into thought for a few moments while Loki watches him. He's not all that annoying when he's quiet. Not all that unattractive either. _What the hell am I thinking? ...I want to get high, thoughts don't matter when your high_. Loki curls his hands into fists and squeezes his eyes shut. _No, we don't want to take drugs anymore, that's why we're here. But they're so good. Maybe just a bit more first. Yeah, then we'll stop tomorrow. One more today stop tomorrow! One more, stop tomorrow! One more, stop tomorrow! One more! One more! More! More! More! More! MORE!_  "Loki!"

"What?" Loki reopens his eyes. Tony's staring at him intensely, but at least the voices have stopped now. Loki rubs his eyes.

"I was wondering when you wanted to start, because you don't have to-"

"No!" Loki says taking his hands from his face. "I need to start now, while I still want to."

"Okay." Tony gives him an encouraging smile. "I've already made a basic plan for you."

"Really?" Loki asks before Tony can continue, and the other nods his head. "Why?"

"I told you if you need my help I'm here, I wasn't going to wait unprepared."

Loki and Tony spend the next hour going through his get clean plan. Tony says it's best if he just goes cold turkey right away. Says he'll need to take the whole week of school, and even a bit longer if needs be. Says he'll need to keep busy every day to make the time go faster, and to keep his mind preoccupied. Tony's currently driving Loki back home so they can get rid of all the supplies he has. Loki's already reluctantly given Tony his bag of brown powder that he had on him, and while he sits there in the car he tries his best to stop thinking of punching Tony and taking his drugs back. "So, I'm telling your brothers about this is well," Tony randomly says, and Loki's head quickly snaps towards him.

"No your not."

"Actually I am. The more people you have supporting you the easier this is going to be."

"Trust me, Balder and Thor are not going to have a positive effect, they'll just annoy me and make me _want_ to take more drugs." Loki growls and looks out the window angrily because he knows Tony's not going to pay any attention to him.

"I think you'll be pleasantly surprised," Tony says as-a-matter-of-fact and they go the rest of the journey in silence.

As promised Tony brings Thor and Balder into his room to tell them what's going on, that is after they've looked all around Loki's room for anything even remotely looking like a drug. Loki stares hungrily at his tin now sitting on the desk as Tony continues to speak with his brothers. "This is wonderful news, brother," Thor states happily.

"Shut up, Thor." Loki snaps turning an evil eye towards the blonde.

"So you'll need to have a word with your parents is well. Like it or not they need to know exactly what's going on." Tony tells Balder paying Loki no mind. Loki doesn't bother telling them how much he loathes that idea, he knows Tony'll do what he wants anyway.

"Maybe we should do that now, while you're here I mean." Balder suggests, and Loki's head screams in negative. He's not ready for this.

"Yeah, actually that's a good idea, best to discuss it with them before Loki starts." Loki doesn't want to stop now, he wants to get high. Wants to run out the house and hide away in a cloud of smoke with Christian. Anything, but face his parents again. Loki tries to block Tony and Balder out as they go back and forth in conversation. "Come on, Loki," Tony says as the three of them move towards the door.

"No," Loki whimpers, he doesn't cover his fear, he knows his face is covered in it. "This is all going much too fast. I-I can't do it." Loki's voice breaks at the end. He covers his face as tears begin to form. He regrets this, he needs his drugs.

"Hey," Tony shhs, coming to kneel down in front of Loki, where he's sat on the bed. "It'll be okay."

"No it won't," comes Loki's muffled voice.

"It may not seem like it at first, but it'll all be worth it in the end." Loki begins to take comfort in Tony's words until, _he's an Avenger, what the hell are you doing?_ , screams from the back of his mind. "How about we stay up here, and Balder and Thor talk to your parents instead? Then they can't say a word to you." Loki lifts his head to look Balder who nods in agreement back at him.

"Okay," Loki says after a moment. Tony sits down next to Loki after his brothers have gone, hopefully they'll talk to his parent correctly. Meaning, convince them that the four of them can handle it and they don't really need to freak out and get involved.

"So," Tony says into the silence. "The plan for tomorrow. We'll start by getting up early and going for a morning jog with Thor and Balder."

"Jogging?" Loki asks gazing across at Tony.

"Exercising releases endrophins, a natural painkiller. So jogging will actually make your withdrawal symptoms easier. Plus, I'll be there with you and I don't run at all, so you can laugh as I pass out on the pavement. After that, you'll have a warm bath-"

"I only have showers," Loki cuts in and lets a small smile slip at the touch of irritation on Tony's face.

"Showers will not be any benefit. One of the symptoms of heroin withdrawal is that-"

"Wait," Loki more seriously cuts in, "how do you know that's what I've been taking, even I didn't know."

"What do you mean you didn't know?"

"Chris never told me what anything was," he explains quietly, scolding himself for being stupid enough to take what he didn't even know what was. Loki can't say he really knows what heroin is anyway.

"Well I figured it out after I walked in on you taking it. You know when I said this is going to be tough?" Loki nods. "That's because heroin is one of hardest drugs to quit, not just because it's addictive, but because the withdrawal symptoms are a bitch. You're going to be in a whole lot of pain because the heroin has been mimicking you natural endorphins. When using your body also becomes constipated, everything piles up and stays trapped in your intestines, if you didn't stop taking, slowly but surely everything would rot, go right through your intestines and make it's way through to the rest of your body; essentially you'd be rotting from the inside out." Loki looks horrified on at Tony as he speaks. He gulps and looks down at his stomach. "Don't worry too much, I don't think you've been taking long enough for that effect, but waste has built up, so soon you will have serve diarrhea. Thinking of that I should probably get something to help counteract that," Tony ends by muttering thoughtfully to himself.

"You're not making stopping seem very appealing," Loki tells him.

"Whether you stop today or a year from now, the withdrawal symptoms will be the same. The difference is, the longer you take the harder it'll be to stop. If you never stop you will, slowly but surely, eventually wither away and die." _Well...this is all rather blunt_.  

"You could have told me all this before."

"You weren't prepared to listen to me before." Tony points out. When Loki doesn't say any more, Tony carries on running through their plan. Loki tries not to let his thoughts drift and instead focuses on Tony's voice. "I was thinking I'd go out and get some supplies after Balder and Thor are done, you can come if you want, then I'll stay the night here to further act as your 'Drug Quitting Buddy'." Tony finalises.

"Why are you helping me with this?" Loki doesn't understand it at all. Out of all people, it's Tony Stark who's supporting him through this. It's also all so sudden; before Loki began seeing Chris, Tony never said more than snarky comments to him.

Tony shrugs. "Maybe I'm just so self-obsessed that I feel the need to ingrain myself in any piece of drama that I see. Maybe, all those months ago, I didn't like seeing the 17 year old drug addict kissing the 15 year old boy I still remember being a 5 year old little shit. I know I haven't been particularly kind to you throughout these ten years, but that doesn't mean I like to see you like this." Loki smiles at Tony, who returns the favour. "And you; why did you come to me for help? I thought you hated me?"

"I do hate you, that's not going to change, Tony. I just know that you're my best bet at getting out of this hole I've made."

"That's it?" Tony asks. "I give you a heart felt speech and that's what I get in return?" Tony places a hand on his chest and mocks a hurt expression.

"Shut up," Loki smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not particularly fond of this chapter, I think it's one I was stuck on for ages so just ended up writing anything to get it over with. Currently I'm trying to get the rest of this story done in 50 chapters, and right now I'm in the middle of writing chapter 44, so hopefully not long left until it's done. To think I've been writing this for over a year!
> 
> I never planned to actually mention what drugs Loki was taking, heroin was actually only one of them, but things happen. Also, although I passed science with flying colours, I can't say I'm completely clear on what endorphins do, so if anyone actually knows please mention so I can change it so ~~I~~ Tony doesn't appear to be an idiot.
> 
> I also edited 'Getting to know you' the other day, I added in a few things and took a few things out. It may be subtle, so I'm not sure if you really need to go back and read it. The main thing I did was explain why Wade wasn't there because when I posted it I hadn't planned to make him a Cabal.
> 
> Title Quote by J.M. Barrie


	37. Was it you or I who stumbled first? It does not matter. The one of us who finds the strength to get up first, must help the other.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 1 of drug withdrawal

Loki feels rough when he wakes up, not unlike most mornings. Like every morning after a difficult night of sleep his mouth is dry and he feels too warm, but Loki doesn't want to come out of his covers just yet, and he knows that after his fix he'll feel just fine. He puts out his hand to find his bedside table and feels around for the drawer where his drugs are waiting for him. But as his hand roams around inside the space he can't find his small bag of brown powder. Loki begrudgingly sits up and turns on his lamp to see what's going on. There's no sign of his drugs. He quickly jumps out of bed to look for his tin underneath, but that's no where to be seen either. _What the hell is going on?_ Loki panics. _Where has it gone?_ Loki pulls on his hair until it suddenly comes back to him. _We're giving up today_. Loki isn't thrilled about this and as memories of yesterday come back to him he groans in frustration. _It's fine, it's fine. We'll quickly go to Chris and pick something up and start later. No one will even know._ But before Loki can put his plan into action his door opens and Tony pokes his head in. "Oh good, you're awake," he notes cheerfully coming fully into the room, "wanna come downstairs for a drink and something to eat or get dressed first?" Loki just stares blankly back at Tony as he debates whether or not he'll be able to get past the older and run out the house. Loki doubts Tony'll let him go that easy. "Having second thoughts?" He nods. "Remember why you're doing this? So you can be a Cabal again. An 'I don't give a fuck, drug free' Cabal." Loki closes his eyes and thinks back to yesterday, hanging out with his friends. His slutty Emma, energetic Tony and Wade, quiet Parker, and apathetic Victor. They're what he'll get at the end of this. Despite how the adjectives he's paired them with sound, they're what he wants, not Chris Frost and certainly not the drugs that come with him. He'll get his life back. "The first week's going to be the hardest, but after that you'll be on the road to normality." Tony reassurance has Loki opening his eyes and nodding.

After Loki gets dressed he begins to feel body pains, particularly in his back and legs, but he pushes forward, because he has to. He remembers Tony's words 'Whether you stop today or a year from now, the withdrawal symptoms will be the same. The difference is, the longer you take the harder it'll be to stop.' Loki looks in the mirror, at the person he is now. This isn't who he wants to be, and although the need to get high pulses through him, the need to be something better keeps him from running away. He trudges slowly down the stairs wincing as he does so and meets Tony and his brothers in the kitchen where they've been waiting for him with a slice of bread with peanut butter, a glass of grapefruit juice, and two tablets and two caplets. "What's all this for?" Loki asks as he sits down.

"Peanut Butter is high in protein, fiber, sugar and will increase those all important endorphins." Tony says that with a lot of panache which makes both Loki and Balder roll their eyes.

"I'm not really hungry," Loki tells him pushing the plate away. Tony, of course, pushes it back.

"Too bad. Carrying on, grapefruit is high in vitamin C which is also very important. Although studies have shown that drinking this while taking medicine is bad and can apparently be worse for your health-"

"Tony," Balder warns, glancing at him from across the island.

"But," Tony empathises, "I don't believe in that shit, they're pretty much saying you can get cancer just looking at a fruit these days, so you can drink away." Loki still looks suspiciously at the red liquid. "The tablets are to ease your pains, and the caplets are to help deal with that serve diarrhea I was talking about."

"I'm trying to eat," Balder clips in with his mouth full, "lets not talk about that."

"Anyways! Take the tablets first, but wait a while before taking the caplets because taking too many pills at one time is bad." Once Tony is finished he goes back to eating his own breakfast.

Once Loki has eaten half his bread and drank the same amount of juice they head out for their jog. Loki, with his pains, really doesn't feel like it, in fact he wants to do the exact opposite and curl up on the floor. However, he's promised that he'll feel better by the end, and so he goes along with it. Turns out Tony was not joking about passing out on the pavement as he breaths heavily next to Loki. "I'm fine," he puffs out waving a dismissing hand at Loki, who hadn't actually asked, "I just don't, _oh god_...get much exercise in." _No shit_ , Loki thinks and shakes his head. Thor and Balder are way ahead of them, so Loki only has Tony's whining for company. "Man...I miss...driving! How to do people...live like this?"

"We've been doing a light jog for only ten minutes, Stark," Loki informs him.

"Is that all?!" By the end of their jog the pain in Loki's legs and back have greatly subsided, and he has to say he feels so much better. It's seems absurd to him, because normally he feels achy after exercising. "Endorphin's," Tony tells him from where he's bent over in their hallway. Clearly these endorphins weren't doing anything for him.

As advised Loki runs a hot bath soon after. While they wait for the water to run, Tony makes Loki a positive playlist for him to listen to so he's not listening to his thoughts instead. They end up getting into an argument over what counts as positive, and so end with only a few songs. "I don't even like Eminem," Loki moans.

"I don't care, just have this song, it's perfect for your situation." Tony insists.

"No, music is about interpretation, it only means what you want it to mean. So if I don't think it does, than it doesn't."

"Stop sucking the fun out of it," Tony sticks his tongue out at Loki, who doesn't smile, he feels oddly irritable. _God, I really need something!_  Loki feels an overwhelming urge to just rub his upper gums.

"I'm having a bath now. Get out." Loki pushes Tony out the bathroom and shuts the door before he can say anything. Despite his arguments against it, Loki puts on the playlist before he strips down and gets in the bath. Hopefully the music will do it's job and stop his thoughts consuming him.

Loki doesn't like having baths, he can see too much of his body, and then after a while you're pretty much just sitting in your own dead skin cells and dirt. It's also not something he likes to share but Loki can sometimes become quite aquaphobic, leading him to refuse to get into a swimming pool and thus being 15 and unable to swim. However, he does find the warmth oddly soothing. And despite having a great desire to avoid doing so, he finds the songs do have relevance to his life. Though listening to the songs he doesn't find them too positive, just drug-stopping related. They'll probably have to review the list later. Wait...is he thinking about spending more time with Tony? _No, not Tony, it's Stark._  It's then that Loki realises he not even thinking anything negative, in fact he hasn't been doing so for most of the day, well, it's only been less than two hours since he got up, but still. It's odd for him. What's even worse is that it's thanks to Stark that his thoughts haven't been plaguing him. Loki cringes at the idea.

He stays in the bath until the water begins to get cold and his fingers have pruned. It's only when he gets out and wraps a towel around himself that he realises he forgot to get clothes. "Damn it," Loki groans. _There's no way I'm letting anyone see me like this_. Loki's room is the second door down from the bathroom, too far for him. Loki turns around and leans against the door, glaring into the room. It's his body that stops him from leaving the room, the memory of Chris telling him he doesn't look attractive anymore. Loki avoids looking in the floor length mirror and instead his glares turn to Stark's phone as it continues to sing. Loki turns his head to the side. _Phone?_ "Of course," Loki says in relief. Hopefully Ton-Stark is in his room, Loki knows the male won't resist checking his phone as it rings, and he's also sure he saw Stark putting his number in, so his name will come up on the caller ID. All very convenient.

"Loki why are you calling yourself?" Tony answers, just to prove Loki's suspicions right.

"I knew you were messing with my phone last night. I told you I didn't want your number," Loki growls down the speaker, though he tries not to feel angry, reminding himself that if Tony didn't he wouldn't have known Loki was calling him, and wouldn't have answered the phone. Or would he? However, Loki and his emotions are still not walking hand in hand at the moment.

"Geez, what's got your panties in a twist?" Stark laughs on the other end.

"Shut up!" Loki snaps. "Just get out of my room and go downstairs so I can get changed."

"...Couldn't you have just come in your room? Why did you have to phone me to tell me this?"

"Because I just fucking wanted to!" Loki covers his mouth after the shout leaves him.

"You didn't even need the phone for that, I could hear you fine without it." Stark laughs again. Loki doesn't say anything, in fear of what may come out, or at what volume it'll come out at. "Talk to me, Loki. What's wrong?"

"I just don't want you to see me with just a towel on. I see nothing wrong with that." Loki tries to control himself as best he can, but it still comes out in a rather angry tone.

Tony agrees to leave the room and tells Loki he should put warm clothes on, warning him of cold chills. Loki takes this into consideration as he gets dressed. He puts on his Norse God jersey to remind him of The Cabal, a pair of soft jogging bottoms that he actually reserves for cold winter nights, and a pair of fluffy green socks. Loki doesn't find a jumper comfortable enough in his wardrobe, so he steals one from Thor's on his way downstairs. His brothers still haven't left for school yet when he comes downstairs, but then school doesn't start for another hour. Loki's annoyed feeling still hasn't left him when he sits down on the couch in the front living room. It wasn't that long ago that he was feeling borderline positive; it upsets him that his feelings can't just be continuous. _Well, that's just great_ , Loki whines as sorrow washes over him, and tears start slowly down his face. _I'm so messed up_. At least he was most of the time having more fun on drugs. _Wasn't I?_ Loki can't quite remember. Either way, he's not happy now. "Loki," Balder says softly as he comes over to wrap an arm around Loki. Despite his better instincts, Loki leans a head on his older brother's shoulder and hugs him back.

The two sit there for half a hour before Balder tells Loki he has to get to school. Loki nods and awkwardly lets go of Balder, not looking at him as he leaves the room. Loki doesn't know that he's ever been that close with Balder, and if he has he doesn't remember. He tries to think back through their history together, but Loki doesn't find anything. Loki feels cold now his big brother's gone, and gradually goose bumps begin to form on his body. He voices this to Tony who says that this is a withdrawal symptom and goes to fetch Loki his quilt. Tony makes several trips, also grabbing a glass of water, another peanut butter sandwich, a lot of arts and crafts, and his laptop. "What's all this for?" Loki asks from where he's buried under his quilt. Tony's sat on the other side of the coffee table laying out an A3 piece of card.

"We're going to create a mood board, but with blue tack instead of a board." Loki makes a face which shows he doesn't follow. "We're creating various bits and pieces to stick to your wall as motivation when you're feeling low." Tony smiles, something that Loki doesn't return.

"I don't need any motivation, Stark, I'm doing just fine so far. I've hardly had any cravings at all." Loki turns away from Tony and snuggles further into his quilt and sofa.

"You were just crying because you wanted more drugs," Tony points out.

Loki turns to face him with his brows raised, "no, I wasn't." Maybe he was a little, but there's no way Tony'd know that.

"Well you were muttering about how you wanted more."

"What? No I wasn't." Loki repeats with more force. _That never happened at all_.

"Actually yes you were...you don't remember that?" Tony looks at him with concern, maybe with full right to be because no, Loki doesn't remember doing that. Loki glumly shakes his head. "Do you get that alot, blackouts?"

Loki shrugs."I don't know. There are definitely bits missing, things that I don't remember, but looking back I can't recall whether I was aware or not at the time." Loki pauses to think back, it's not just sex with Chris he doesn't remember, many parts of the past couple of months are patchy. It scares Loki to think about it, because he could have been doing anything in those moments.

"Wanna change the subject?" Tony asks, stopping Loki from zoning off into a sea of paranoia. "Good," Tony says once Loki nods, "then we can get started on my arts and crafts." Loki groans, that's not what he wants to be doing at all. "Come on, we need to be doing stuff to keep your mind focused anyway."

"Okay, tell me what exactly we're doing." Loki drops off the sofa to sit on the floor, the same as Tony, but keeps the quilt wrapped around his cold body.

"We're going to make a forty day calendar on this large piece of paper so you can mark off your progress. But you're going to personalise it." Loki keeps back the comment of pointing out that he's not a child, but does ask why forty days. "I can only guess it's to do with Acute Withdrawal Symptoms and then Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, but the later will last longer than forty days...but I wouldn't worry about that. Just think as forty days as your goal, and then it'll be home free from there on in." Loki feels the need to ask how long exactly these withdrawals are going to last, but he doesn't want to worry himself any further. "Anyways, I was also thinking we'd print some picture off of you and Cabal, because you guys do that right? Take pictures? You're not like vampires?" Loki gives Tony an unamused look. "So I'll be taking that as yes then. Geez, vampires are every where these days."

Despite thinking that he's an ass, Loki does what Tony wants and draws out his forty day calender, putting empathise on the first 7 days, and continuing under Tony's instruction he leaves space in each date box for notes on what he'll do that day to keep himself busy. Surprisingly they have pleasant conversations throughout the course of the work, with limited self-obsessed comments from Tony and no mocking comments at all towards Loki. Loki also manages to nibble at his bread, he hadn't realised how little he was eating until now, but then he did eat the toast and soup Victor made for him on Saturday, didn't he? Actually, now that Loki thinks back to it, he only had a little bit before he freaked out at Victor, and then he didn't have anymore after that. When Loki finishes colouring his calender in green, gold and silver, he looks up at Tony who is rambling about his current technology projects. Loki interrupts him as he starts saying how easy it'd be to make an AI system run all through his house. "Will you go get my phone for me now?" Tony looks at him in shock, almost as if he thought Loki was listening or even had interest in what he was saying. "My USB lead should be on my desk."

"Oh, urm...okay." Tony stutters and leaves the room. Loki yawns and hides back into the quilt.

Tony finds it odd how much he likes Loki's room. It's smaller than his room, the bed's smaller and the window's smaller. Loki has a wardrobe along his wall, very different from Tony's large walk-in, and Loki's desk is also a lot neater than Tony's. All in all Loki's room doesn't scream 'my family owns a large business' the way Tony's does, even though Loki's family does own a quite successful business too. Asgard however is not as big as Stark Industries. Tony grabs Loki's phone from one of the bedside tables, next to the framed picture of The Cabal, minus Wade. On the other table sits a picture of Loki, Emma, Tony and Parker as children. Tony remembers the first time he met Loki, back when he was six and had gone home with Thor for a play date. Loki's hair was a lot shorter back then, and it fell over his forehead instead of how it's slicked back now. Loki had refused to talk to him and glared even back then. Tony's fairly sure he only started being mean to the younger to get his attention, and he supposes it just became a habit.

Tony turns around to start searching for Loki USB lead, on the desk are more pictures, one of Loki and Victor together which Tony skips over, moving his eyes over to one of Loki, Thor and Balder together. Tony ends up picking that one up, it's the youngest he's ever seen the three of them at, not putting Loki at any older than three or four. It'd make sense for Loki to be that age, since in the picture Balder and Loki are sitting close together, and Balder said that he and Loki haven't been close since he started school when he was six, which would put Loki's age at a recent four. "Hmm," Tony mutters thoughtfully and places the picture back, and continues his search for the USB lead.

When Tony gets back to the living room, Loki is asleep on the floor; he sighs, but goes over to pick Loki up and place him on the sofa instead. Tony stares down at the sleeping face, knowing that a more coherent Loki would go mad knowing Tony had seen him in such a vulnerable state. Before he can help himself Tony smiles and moves a lock of hair from Loki's face. "Thank you," says Frigga suddenly appearing in the doorway. Tony quickly removes his hand and raises his eyebrows at her. "I know you must be thinking badly of me; I'm his mother, it shouldn't be you looking after him." Tony sighs, and nods, stepping closer towards her.

"This really should have been dealt with sooner," he tells her giving her a look. Of course Tony knows it's rude to talk to her like this, but as Loki's parent, Odin is well, they should have taken action. Placing Loki's health into the hands of children, how can they just sit back and allow that? Though, Tony's ego has to tell him it's because they have trust in his genius of a mind and know that he can handle it. Ignoring his ego he knows that isn't the case.

"I'm aware, Tony," Frigga begins, motioning for him to follow her into the kitchen, "but I couldn't, it hurts me to see him like this and I know keeping my distance was wrong, but... I just couldn't go through this again."

"Again?" Tony asks in nanoseconds after it was spoken. Thor and Balder have never mentioned something like this happening before. There's also the fact that Tony's quite sure he would have noticed, but he asks anyway. "Loki's been on drugs before?" Frigga shakes her head and sits down on one of the stools at the island.

"Not drugs. This...freaking out...yelling and screaming...paranoia, I suppose. It broke my heart the first time it happened, he was my little angle back then." Tony sits down opposite her as she gazes off, a look of confusion covering his face, something that isn't present very often. "He was only five when it reached it's climax. One night he started yelling, I calmed him down but suddenly he just started screaming. Just in sheer panic. Then...it was like he was being pinned to the ground, and he started banging his head, we had to phone the paramedics to come sedate him, the back of his head had begun to bleed." Frigga pauses as she blinks away tears. Tony can't say he understands completely what she's on about, it's far too vague. "We had him hypnotised after that, it was that or medication, and the hypnotising worked, I know that he doesn't remember any of it. Of course, Balder being eight, and Thor six, they didn't know what was happening, and I doubt they even remember." Frigga looks sullenly into the living room, staring at the back of the couch that Loki is laying on. "I wasn't as close to him as I should have been after that, he actually scared me a little bit, so I kept my distance for a few years afterwards. However I realise now that that wasn't so much a good idea, the way children are treated effects the way they are in later years more than any other period in their life. So when I acted like I didn't care then, it stuck with him, and although I've tried my hardest with him it clearly has not been enough." Loki's mother sighs and looks back to Tony, smiling at him. "I only tell you this so you can understand why I couldn't help. I realise that it's not really the same thing, but it reminds so much of that time. You must think that I'm incredibly selfish."

Tony quickly shakes his head at the thought. "No, trust me you're a much better mother than mine ever was." Tony gives Frigga a reassuring smile. "However, Loki's going to need you to look after him now, because I've spoken with him and he doesn't think that you care." Frigga nods in understanding. "Myself and Thor can't be here tomorrow, we have a mock science exam; and I'm sure with Balder being in sixth form he can't afford to take time off school. So that'll give you chance to show that you care, because he's going to need as much support as he can at the moment."

Frigga of course agrees to look after Loki tomorrow, and after giving her a quick hug Tony makes his way back into the living room, trying not to think about the conversation he's just had. Tony's curious as hell, but it's not like he can get any more answers from anyone. He just falls down in the armchair when Loki's phone buzzes from where he'd pushed it in his pocket. Begrudgingly Tony pulls it out of his pocket, looking at the caller ID. Victor. Tony looks over to Loki, wondering whether or not it'd be a good idea to answer. Loki probably won't be too happy...but with a shrug Tony answers anyway. "Victor," Tony greets with a tone of disinterest, he's never liked Victor too much, but then he's not fond of any of the Cabal, though perhaps Loki is an exception now.

"Who's this?" Victor's voice is hard and cold, reminding Tony just what the Cabal are like, looking briefly again at Loki.

"Tony Stark," he replies cheerfully, not letting Victor's tone get to him. "Do you have a message for Master Odinson?"

"Where's Loki, Stark?" Tony rolls his eyes.

"He's asleep. I assume you're calling to know why he's not a school?" Tony pauses, but Victor doesn't answer. "...Okay then. Loki's not very well, I'm looking after him for today. And he also won't be in for the rest of the week."

"Why are you there with him?" Victor demands of him, and Tony feels a spark of irritation at the words.

"I'm looking after him, like his friends should have." Tony hints strongly, hints he knows Victor won't miss.

"Don't assume to know the ins and outs of my relationship with Loki," Victor growls on the other end.

"I don't need to assume, I know that his so called friends haven't been there for him when he's needed them most." Tony angrily snaps back. Instead of replying Tony can hear what he's sure is Emma's distant voice on the other end.

"Victor, give me the phone. I mean it, give it to me before you snap it." There's a long pause before Emma's voice becomes much clearer. "Stark is Loki okay?"

"No, but I'm sure you're not blind enough to have not seen that."

"I know that there's been something wrong with but-"

"But you didn't care enough to help him." Tony interrupts rudely.

"Don't stick your nose into our relationship, Stark, you know nothing." Tony starts to jump in. "I'm not done!" He quickly closes his mouth again. "Loki knows he can come to us for anything, if he wanted our help he would have asked for it." Emma explains, but Tony shakes his head at the reasoning.

"Then why didn't he?"

"Just tell him to ring us when he wakes up." With that Emma hangs up, and Tony sighs in frustration. He's never going to understand the Cabal.

Loki wakes up for the second time that day in much more pain than he did the first, and despite Tony helpfully handing him painkillers it only slightly takes the edge off. Having only slept for two hours, which to be fair is good for him, Thor and Balder still aren't home from school for little over another four hours. Tony suggests that they go out for another jog, but Loki can tell he's not too eager to do so. Loki finds himself smiling, but quickly thinks better and makes his way upstairs to change his outfit into something more appropriate for going outside. While re-dressing he thinks about how easy it'd be just to run away from Tony to Christian, and brings such an evil smirk to his face.

"Do you mind me asking you a question?" Tony asks less than a minute into their jog. This is something Loki's not used to, but then Tony doesn't have to the same sensibilities as the Cabal do.

"You can, but I'm not obliged to answer." Loki replies keeping his eyes forward, only hearing the click of Tony's tongue before he's asking.

"What's the deal with The Cabal's relationship?"

"What do you mean?" Loki breaths in deeply as he jogs, this isn't as easy as it was this morning, he's slowly feeling queasiness building up inside him.

"Well, the five, or I suppose six of you now, don't seem too emotionally attached. I know you said that you need them, but you just seem...distant." Loki wants to laugh but his sickness suppresses the laughter from escaping.

"Just because we're cold towards others, doesn't mean we're same to each other." Tony nods, but doesn't seem satisfied.

"Have you even told them about your drug use?" Loki shakes his head. "Why not?"

"We don't share things," Loki mutters simply. Loki's mind still not healthy, doesn't remember uttering the exact same words to Chris, back when he was sober.

"You really think that's healthy?" Loki starts to flare with irritation at Tony's words, and immediately turns to glare at him.

"Don't assume to to know the ins and outs of my relationship with The Cabal, Stark." He growls, before stopping the jog to bend over and breath in and out deep and slow. Loki feels the horrible yet familiar feeling off his cheeks salivating before moving to the nearest drainage system to throw up his stomach contents.

"You know what's funny, that's the exact same thing Victor said to me earlier is well." Tony says as he comes over to squat down next to Loki, while he's on his hands and knees trying to hold back spilling anything else out.

"When did you," Loki pauses while he tries to push away the next set of vomit, "talk to Victor?" Tony taps Loki's back as he gags.

"Not too long after you went to sleep, The Cabal wanted to know where you were. FWI, Emma wants you to call her later." Loki nods. He's not going to be able to run off to Chris now, not like this. Loki groans, he just wants a little bit, just to ease the want. "It'll all be worth it in the end, Loki," Tony says as if reading Loki's mind, "you just have to stick with it until the end of the week and it'll be so much easier."

Tony and Loki don't bother finishing off their jog. Instead Loki changes back into his comfy clothes, and the two of them settle themselves in the living room to watch Supernatural, while keeping a bucket close to Loki. They only make it 5 episodes into season 1 when Thor and Balder return home. Balder immediately coming to Loki's side asking whether his okay. "Shove off, Balder." Loki gives his older brother a half-hearted push to make him move from the TV's image.

"He's been great." Tony reassures them. "Some vomiting, but no worse than that." While Tony starts helping Thor revise for their science exam tomorrow, Balder insists on Loki telling him the story line of the show. Loki knows that his brother doesn't care, but it provides an easy distraction, and Loki needs as many of them as he can get.

For the first time in what seems like forever, Loki sits down for dinner with his family, though everyone else's food looks far more appetising than his does, he's glad he only has a small meal of bread with peanut butter and sliced up banana. Loki's allowed to sit at the table with his quilt on to prevent his cold chills taking affect. His parents smile at him from across the table, and Loki really wishes they wouldn't, it only sets off his paranoia again. _Look how happy they are to see you in pain, that's the happiest they've ever been to see you!_ Loki closes his eyes and wills the thoughts away.

After dinner Loki takes more medicine prescribed by Tony before watching a couple more episodes of Supernatural with Balder. While he does this Tony runs him another bath to help with his aches and pains. Tony also hangs up Loki's calender, and pictures that they'd gotten round to printing out earlier. Informing him that Frigga will be looking after him tomorrow, but he'll stay the night to look after Loki before school, Tony leaves Loki to get to sleep when the black haired male just stares at him. Loki's beginning to find it unnerving the amount of kindness that Stark is bestowing upon him. Loki's also uncomfortable with the amount that he himself is enjoying it.

Once Loki is all snuggled up in his bed he finally gets round to phoning Victor. Loki knows that actually Tony said that Emma was who wanted him to phone, but Loki's just not prepared to have a conversation with her right now. The phone call doesn't last long, Loki explains how he's going cold turkey and they arrange for The Cabal to come see him on Thursday after they're done with school. After a quick 'good luck' Victor hangs up and Loki embarks on the tedious task of falling to sleep.

It takes quite a long time but as soon as Loki has his grasp on sleep his phone goes off, informing him he has a text message. Loki tries to ignore it but eventually curiosity gets the better of him. 'I haven't seen you all day, LokiLove. Think you should come round for your payment'. "Great," Loki sighs, "now I'll never get to sleep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried my best to make this as accurate as possible. I watched a documentary on someone who filmed their life for two years as they struggled with heroin addiction, in the end they ended up dying 21 hours into withdrawal. It was so sad. I also asked someone I know who went through this, and all I really got from that was there was a lot of diarrhea and they had to wear a plastic bag to deal with it. I didn't want to include that, so...I do hope I do a good enough job at this that it puts you all off taking drugs.
> 
> On a lighter note. I've decided Loki is aquaphobic because I read another story where it briefly said Jotuns couldn't swim and feared the ocean (something along that). Then the stuff that Frigga talks about is from the story I've wrote about Loki's childhood in this verse, and it won't be brought up in this fic, or ones following, so don't worry about it much. I mainly brought it up following a comment that mentioned the lack of parents and how it wasn't right for children to be dealing with this, so I thought I'd add an explained. 
> 
> This is the longest chapter I've wrote so far...I'm trying to fit in as much into one chapter as possible.
> 
> Title Quote by Vera Nazarian


	38. Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 of withdrawal.

The night isn't good for Loki, although he manages to get many ten minute slots of sleep, it's no where near enough and each time he awakes he awakes in pain. The pains he experienced yesterday seem so dull when compared with today. Loki curls tightly into the fetal position in an attempt to make himself as small as possible, somehow his mind convinces him that if he appears smaller than there actually will be less of him, thus lessening his pain. He's of course still in pain, but the position provides him with emotional comfort. While Loki has his head buried in his knees he thinks about Christian, Chris who still wants him. And Loki still wants Chris. _Just get out of bed and go to him_ , his mind whispers, and it's so tempting. Loki knows that if he just gives in and takes what his body craves all his pains will go, at least until his next craving comes. "But I can't do that forever," Loki tells himself quietly. Tears begin to form as Loki lies there conflicted. "If I give up now I'll just have to start all over again." Be in pain now or be in pain later?

Loki is saved from his mind when Tony comes in, a highly cheerful expression on his face to contrast with Loki's own tear stained. "One day down, six more to go! Ready to face the second?" Loki's sure the sob that escapes his lips is as good as an answer for Tony, who comes to kneel down next to his bed. "You're in a lot of pain?" Loki lets out a tearful agreement. "Come on, Tinkerbell, let's just start by getting up," Tony tells him after a moment of silence.

"No, I can't get out of bed," Loki shakes his head and whimpers in pain. Though Tony doesn't accept that as an answer.

"A body in motion stays in motion," he says as he stands up to drag Loki's curtains apart, not that there's much light out at six in the morning. "The biggest mistake people make when they give up drugs is that they assume that locking yourself in a room for a week is the best way to go." Tony continues as he pulls down Loki's quilt. "You can understand why, I suppose. If the drug addict is unable to get out then there's no risk of them going to their dealer. However what most people don't see is that if you lie there for a week, or even a couple of days all you're focused on is your pain, and you'll hurt more than if you were active. If you're not thinking about your pain you're not feeling it as bad. Like a placebo effect. If you believe you're getting better than you'll feel better. If you know you're pain you'll just feel in further pain."

"Is this really going somewhere, Stark?" Loki asks as Tony ends his ramble to open Loki's wardrobe.

"I don't need to repeat how being active realises endorphines and that lessens pain. So what I'm trying to tell you is that the mind is a powerful thing, and being active does wonders for it. There are so many studies on how exercise heals the mind, because endorphines also make you calm and happy." Tony pulls out a green shirt and black jogging bottoms and throws them on Loki's bed. "So, get out of bed before you get depressed." After pulling Loki up into a somewhat sitting position Tony makes his move to leave, before turning round at the last minute. "You have to fight against your body otherwise your withdrawal symptoms will take over. The Cabal have fight, right? How can you be a Cabal if you don't act like one?"

It's Tony last words that get him moving, because Cabal aren't weak and Loki refuses to drag their name through the mud by appearing so. He thinks about how his friends would deal with this situation, but all he comes back to is telling himself that they wouldn't end up here. Victor's not one to gain obsessions, he's generally too impassive to let something take him over. Sometimes Wade's hyperactive enough to appear like he's on something, and there is an oddity about him that doesn't seem natural, but Loki's more than sure there's no drug influence on Wade, he's just crazy.

Loki's still in so much pain, and his eyes are still dripping with tears as he makes his way downstairs. This morning is different than yesterday's in that his mother is joining them today. Frigga looks at him sadly over the rim off her coffee cup as Loki sits down to start nibbling on his bread. Halfway through his meal Loki slowly begins to feel a form of buzzing up his arm, like static running up his veins...or little bugs under his skin. Loki stares down in terror at his arm. "Are you okay, Loki?" Frigga asks touching his arm, which Loki flinches harshly away from. He stares at her suspiciously, before turning to Tony.

"I feel like there's a bee in my arm," he says sorrowfully.

"Don't worry," Tony tries to say comfortingly but Loki just scowls at him, "it's just a symptom. It'll be gone by tomorrow at the latest." Tony's words don't bring Loki any comfort, he wants the feeling gone now!

From the pain up his back, muscle cramp in his legs and the static running up his arms, Loki's body is unbearable and as a result he silently cries through his morning jog. Loki tries to control his tear flow, but it just doesn't happen. _All this pain can so simply be taken away. Just get some brown powder and rub it on your gums_. Loki rubs at his gums with a finger, hoping it'll ease his cravings as his thoughts tell him to run to Christian. However Loki doesn't want to give up now, if he made it through yesterday, he can make it through today. _But it's just so difficult_ , his mind cries. "Wanna talk?" Tony asks suddenly, and Loki's glad for the release from his mind.

"What do you want to talk about?" Loki asks, sniffing as he tries to push his sadness away.

Tony clicks his tongue. "Ya'know, Steve has a weird obsession with apple pie."

"Really?" Loki asks, questioning more why the fact was stated than anything else.

"Yeah, he actually can't go one day without eating a piece of it. It's kinda odd, I don't understand it myself." Tony takes a deep breath. "Not a great cook, but boy does he know how to make desert, which is weird because he's always going on about the importance of being healthy." Loki glances at Tony suspiciously out the corner of his eye.

"Why are you telling me this?"

Tony shrugs. "Thought you'd be interested in getting a little free info on The Avengers." Loki doesn't say anything in response. He supposes it would be helpful to have some information. Know thy enemy. But he's not sure what he's suppose to make of Steve Rogers's love of pie. "Natasha," Tony continues after a few meters, "may seem pretty prefect; can speak so many languages, gymnast, martial artist, brilliant with computers, not as good as me but then nobody is. However, she has a very difficult time dealing with people, like she sees everyone as a potential threat. I honestly think that if it weren't for Steve and Clint she wouldn't have a social life." Loki thinks of both Victor and Parker, knowing that if The Cabal weren't there to push them along they wouldn't bother talking to anyone.

"Just Steve and Clint?" Loki asks, of course not mentioning his own friends to Tony.

"She happens to favour the two of them. Which is irrational because I'm awesome! Better than Captain Pie and Bird Brain." Despite preferring not to, Loki's face lets loose a small smile. It's malicious the way Tony's making him better considering Loki hates him.

Tony proceeds to give him more little insights into The Avengers lives. He also asks about Cabal, and Loki sends him a look to show his disapproval in the question. Just like yesterday, Loki's feeling better when they finally return back home, not as good as yesterday but much better than this morning. His arms still buzzes, he still has aches and pains, but they've subsided a little. Luckily there's a hot bath waiting for Loki when he gets home. He feels like he should thank his mother when he sees her smiling at him, but instead his eyes form a distrustful questioning glance.

Again Loki sits in the bath until it becomes cold, listening to Tony's playlist, which had improved somewhat after Loki had told him his concerns yesterday. As Loki soaks in the water he wonders about his withdrawal, and how surprisingly well it's going. It's not easy, by any means. There's the vomiting, diarrhea, pains, cramp, coldness, crying, limb buzzing and of course the desperate need for drugs, but it's not as bad as he feels it should. It only hurts Loki's ego slightly to know that it's all thanks to Tony. Loki'd probably given up ages ago if it weren't for him.

_As if you're dependent on Tony Stark_ , he mind hisses angrily at Loki as he begins to get dressed, having remembered to bring his clothes into the bathroom this time. Loki doesn't like that thought, Loki doesn't like that thought at all. _I still hate Stark,_  he reassures himself, nodding as he does, _just because he's helping me now doesn't make him a good person_. Loki begins to mentally list all the reasons he dislikes Stark, but finds he can't quite think up as many as he probably could have before all this. Loki closes his eyes as he leans back on the wall. He doesn't like Tony Stark, he won't allow himself to.

To his misfortune Stark is sitting on his bed waiting for him in his bedroom, and the alarms go off straight away in Loki's mind. _He's the enemy_ , he reminds himself, before turning his face into a glare. However, Loki can't decide what to do from there. He doesn't really want to start saying hurtful things to Ton- _Stark_ -if he does he might give up helping him, and Loki needs all the help he can get. So Loki decides to wait instead, wait until he's healthy and then unlease his fury on Stark. Loki sighs and starts to crawl underneath his covers, feeling the strain on his legs from standing up. "Hey, Tinkerbell." _We hate him_.

"Don't call me that," Loki growls pathetically. He tries to pull his quilt over his head, but it's difficult with Stark pinning it down. "Get off."

"Huh? Oh!" Stark lifts off covers when he notices Loki's struggling. In fact he ends up joining him underneath.

"Oh go away, Stark!" Loki attempts to push Stark out of his bed, but the other male doesn't budge.

"Why are you being so mean to me?" Stark pouts.

"Because you're an ass," Loki grits out as he continues to push.

"Uh-huh," Stark laughs, and Loki gives up trying to get rid of him as his arms start to hurt. "So, are you going to be alright with your mother today?" He asks as soon as Loki's gotten comfy.

"I'm sure I'll survive without you," Loki lies, he's not looking forward to spending the day with his mother. It's nothing to do with wanting Tony to stay with him.

"Do I need to give you another pep talk?"

"No!" Loki says quickly.

"You see the thing about Caterpillars-"

"Stark, seriously, I'll be just fine."

"Are you sure? I'd hate to come back and find you've run away to elope with Christian," Tony jokes, but Loki doesn't find it very funny, and thumps Tony as hard as he can. Admittedly not very hard at all. "Loki Frost, it doesn't go at all."

"Shut up, Stark," though Loki feels a slight smirk rising on his mouth.

Loki's back to emotionally crying by the time his brothers and Tony leave the house. He nibbles on his bread and lets the tears flow quietly as he carries on watching Supernatural to cheer himself up. Loki contemplates taking a silver knife to his arm and just cut the buzzing out. It takes a whole five minutes of thought to realise how much of a dumb idea that is. "Hey, sweetheart," Frigga greets as she comes to sit beside Loki. He only gives her a sideways glance before returning his attention to the screen. When she begins to run her fingers through his hair Loki refuses to lean into the touch. "Shouldn't you be watching something more positive?"

Loki scoffs in response. "This is a show about two brothers saving people from dangerous creatures, what could be more positive than that?" Loki doesn't expect an answer, and he doesn't get one, but he can sense his mother smirking at him. _Don't trust her_. It's quite a while before Frigga speaks up again, just as Sam's spilling his anger out at Dean.

"I know you don't believe me, Loki, but I do love you. It's just difficult for me to make sure all three of you are aware."

"So you make sure that Balder and Thor know, but your love falls down before it can get to me." Loki snips, just as Sam shoots rock salt into Dean's chest.

"No. What I mean is...although the three of you are close in age, your personalities can be so different. Something that shows your brothers I love them doesn't work with you. Thor sees my love for him when I make him his favourite foods, if I do that with you you think I'm trying to bribe you. Balder's happy enough with just me saying I love him, and I can see now that you need something more. I just don't know what that is." 'You'll be back to normal.' Loki frowns at the screen. _I am normal_. "I can't read your mind Loki, I need you to talk to me. I need you to tell me what will make you happy." 'Why are we even here?' Loki begins to ponder that also, if only he could remember what made him think his mother didn't care. Then he realises, _why should I have to paint it out for her? If her love meant anything she'd know_.

"If you really cared about me," Loki whispers, "if you really loved me...you'd take the time to figure out a way to show how much you really cared," he turns to face his mother, "I'm your son, and you should know me by now." 'I am sick of doing what you tell me to do.' Frigga doesn't speak again after that, but her face is full of thought. Loki turns his attention back to the screen, just as Sam fails to kill Dean.

Hours later Frigga is rubbing Loki's back as he throws up into the toilet bowl, he's not happy about it, but he doesn't have the energy to push her off. Secretly he enjoys having his mother there to comfort him, but it's his mind telling him he shouldn't that keeps the look of disdain on his face. "I'm going to bed," Loki tells her after his stomach has calmed down. He crawls towards his bedroom, fearing that being vertical could set his stomach off again. Frigga's there to open his door, and tuck him in once he's finally under the covers.

"I'll let you sleep for an hour, and then we'll go out for a walk, okay?" Loki neither agrees or disagrees, he just rolls over so he's no longer facing her. He waits until he hears her leave the room before trying to get to sleep.

To stop his voices erupting in his head, he turns to quietly singing, one from both Supernatural and Tony's playlist. "Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more."

Turns out that sleeping in the day is much easier for Loki than sleeping at night. Frigga allows him to sleep for two hours instead of one when she comes to wake him up for a walk. Loki changes for the third time that day before stepping out into the middle of March breeze. Although Loki doesn't feel too tired, his body certainly does. He has to breath carefully just to keep his body moving through the steady pace. Whether his body is weak from lack of drugs or food, Loki can't tell; he certainly doesn't feel hungry, but the small amounts he's been eating surely haven't been enough to power his body. "It won't take long for your uneasiness to subside," his mother points out clearly noticing his discomfort. Loki glares back at her. "So how are The urm...Cabal?" He rolls his eyes. _Three and a half years under the name 'Cabal' and she still has to think to remember_. "I caught a glimpse of Parker the other day, he doesn't seem to have grown at all." His mother laughs, and Loki lets a small smile slip too.

"Parker's growing just fine, mother," Loki says, trying to show disinterest in his voice. He won't be won over this easily. "He just happens to be the shortest of the five of us...six, six of us." Loki nods as he corrects himself, mustn't forget Wade.

"Both Emma and Victor are taller than you aren't they?"

"Emma is _not_  taller than me." Loki scoffs. "She just won't not wear heels. Victor is the tallest, yes,  _then_  me. Wade, Tony, Emma and Parker follow in that order." Loki remembers telling a thirteen year old Emma that she wasn't fooling anyone trying to add height with her shoes, but clearly Loki was wrong.

They walk another couple of meters until Frigga speaks up again. "Which one of you is the oldest?"

Loki raises his eyebrows. "What are you playing at?" He asks suspiciously.

"Excuse me?" She replies innocently, and Loki's face sets in a deep frown.

"Why are you interested in The Cabal all of a sudden?" Frigga smiles at him, and Loki hates the way it has the power to ease his tension.

"I just want to talk to you Loki, I thought The Cabal would be the most comfortable topic for you. It'd also be nice to get to know your friends. I know all about The Avengers and Asgard Warriors," Loki notes the way she doesn't have to think about Thor and Balder's friend's names, "but The Cabal are a complete mystery to me." Loki weighs the pros and cons on how to proceed. The reasonable side of his brain tells him his mother's trying to rekindle some sort of relationship with him, however the more unreasonable side says she's a sneaky bitch!

Loki decides to humour her. "Wade is the oldest, his birthday is in October. Then Emma, in January, Tony in May, Parker at the start of July and Victor at the end. I'm only 13 days younger than Victor." Loki tries to push down the guilt in his stomach when he remembers that he missed Emma's birthday; he'll make it up to her, he will. "We have to sit in age order in my Geography class with Miss Danvers, I sit inbetween Victor and Ben Grimm. But what's funny is Peter and Parker sit together." Loki laughs lightly to himself, until he notices his mother staring blankly at him. "Peter's last name is Parker." Frigga 'oh's and begins to laugh iswell. Loki can't tell if it's forced or not.

 

"Emma's hair is naturally a light brown, she just dyes it blonde, Christian however is naturally blonde. Cordelia's hair is pretty near black, and I think Emma said Adrienne's hair was red. It's odd because I'm sure siblings shouldn't have an array of colours like that. Susan and Johnny Storm's hair are both a quite bright blonde." Loki takes a breath in his conversation, one he's not quite sure how he got on to. "But then me, Thor and Balder all have different hair colours." Loki looks to his mother to continue from there. They're still out, now seated on a bench near by the lake.

"Not all siblings are alike, Loki. Odin is similar to Ve and Vili, but Cul is a different story all together. Me and my sisters don't always see eye to eye." Loki shakes his head, gazing out at the water. It's not clear, much more murky.

"But you look like Fulla and Gullvieg. I don't look like any of you." Loki's eyes widen only slightly as the words leave his mouth. Is this where he had plan the conversation to steer to? "Me being gay has done nothing but create more distance from the four of you." The words leave his mouth before he can stop them. Loki silently cruses his mind's inability to keep up with his mouth.

"Loki," his mother quietly scowls him. "Look at me." When he doesn't Frigga resorts to manually moving his head. "Your sexuality has done no such thing. You are my son Loki, and always will be, gay or straight it doesn't matter to me. I love you for who you are, not what you are. Though you can be such a pain in the ass sometimes," Frigga pauses to laugh lightly, and Loki smiles back at her, feeling himself softening at her words, "but I love you so much, and will continue trying to prove that to you until you understand and even more so after that." As Frigga leans in to plant a kiss on his forehead Loki wraps his arms around her midsection and rests his head on her shoulder. He doesn't feel proud of himself, giving in so easily, but his mother's words are making him feel horribly warm inside. A horrible warmth which leads to water leaking from his eyes. _Why am I so emotional_?

Loki's vomit waits until he's home to expel from his body; unfortunately it comes out onto the hallway instead of the the toilet bowl. Loki looks up sheepishly at his mother who looks horrified at the mess on her floor, but she recovers and offers to clean it up with a grimace while Loki runs to spend the next hour in the bathroom. During that time period Balder and Thor have returned home. Loki tries not to react when he sees Tony's not with them, and certainly doesn't feel any disappointment either. He does stand in the doorway of the kitchen watching as his brothers talk about their day at school with their mother; it's only when a cold shiver runs through his body that Loki goes over to sit next Thor, hoping he'll radiate some body heat. "How was your exam?" Loki nonchalantly asks.

"Uh," Thor grimaces and rubs the back of his neck, "it didn't go terribly, it just...didn't go well either." Balder huffs a laugh on the other side of the island, and Thor does his best glare as a response. "I've already past Biology and Psychics earlier this year," Thor turns back to tell Loki, "Chemistry just isn't a strong point."

"Did you pass all your science subjects, Balder?" Loki asks his oldest brother. He's not sure where this sudden interest in how his brothers are doing has come from.

"Yeah, I got a C in all of them. Now I'm doing Astronomy for my science A-Level."

"Jane wishes to do Astronomy, I think I will is well." Thor says confidently.

"You shouldn't choose a subject just because the girl you like is, Thor," Frigga tells her son, giving him a disapproving look.

"I don't want to any science next year," Thor moans.

"It's compulsory to do at least one science subject, just like it's compulsory to do Maths, English and PE, and then you get to choose another three subjects of your own choice." Balder explains to their mother. The look only fades slightly from her face. "Most people who aren't great at science will choose Chemistry because Dr. McCoy is the easiest to deal with, but seeing as Thor sucks at it it's not really an option."

Loki stays with his brothers for quite a while before his withdrawal symptoms begin to feel like flu; his eyes begin to water, his nose runs and a headache forms. He takes some NyQuil and retreats to his room. Once he's safely snuggled under his covers Loki checks his phone for the first time that day, not because he hopes there's something from Tony. No, that would be absurd. Though he has received texts from Tony, and a couple of missed calls, from Victor and Emma is well. Loki smiles fondly as he reads their names in his inbox, but it's the new texts from Christian that actually catches his eye. He scrolls down to hover over the texts, but he can't bring his finger to hit the enter button. He's curious as anything to know what Chris has to say to him, but he knows it's not going to be anything he'll like. He can't imagine Chris'll be happy with his absence. Or, the text will be something that'll have Loki yearning to return to Chris. Either way, the contents of the message will not benefit Loki in anyway.

Quickly, before he changes his mind, Loki deletes the text, crying silently as he does so, but it's not clear to him why the sadness over comes him. _Chris has done nothing but damage us_ , Loki tells himself, but his brain soon finds a counter, _he made us happy and liked us in a way no one else has!_  "That's not true," Loki whispers. _Yes it is!_  Going into his contacts Loki deletes Chris's number, with much hesitation. Despite the negative outcome, the blonde has been such an important part of his life over the past four months; it hurts a little, trying to erase him from his life, but it's for the best. _It's much better this way_ , yet he still continues to cry.

"Loki?" The named looks up to glare at Balder who enters his room.

"Go away," he tells his brother sharply.

"I'm not going to leave and let you sit here crying on your own." As Balder sits on his bed, Loki tries his best to shuffle away from him.

"I don't need your comfort."

Balder eyes him carefully before replying, "you need someone." _Maybe_ , but Loki would rather have Tony than Balder right now. Actually...no, no he wouldn't. Loki doesn't want Tony to know anything about his relationship with Chris. Doesn't really want Balder to know either. _Balder will teach Christian a lesson if you tell him_. Though Loki's not sure he wants his brother to beat up his...ex lover? _Rapist_. He shuts his eyes quickly at the word and lets another tear roll down his cheek. _It wasn't like that_ , he tells his paranoia, but the voices don't listen to him. They twist everything against the blonde, make him responsible for every bad thing that's happened since Loki met him. Continuing until Loki hates Chris enough to satisfy them.

"Christian text me," Loki says calmly opening up to Balder. "I didn't read it, I really didn't want to." Balder nods along, but Loki doubts he understands.

"You're not going to go back to him are you? After you're better?" Loki looks up in surprise, or maybe offence, he's not quite sure, but in the end he reverts back to a glare.

"Why would I do that?" He asks angrily, an anger only fueled when Balder smiles at him.

"You like him don't you?"

"I, urm," Loki stutters. Does he? "No...or not anymore, I think." As Loki looks at his brother, he doesn't see any judgement in his eyes, only interest. Balder has an honest face, always has, he's not a natural lair like Loki is. "I only took an interest in him because you didn't want me to, but I suppose I ended up getting attached."

"I knew that I'd pushed you towards him," Balder sighs, and Loki almost feels sorry for him. Almost.

"You did, but it's Christian's fault I'm like this, not entirely yours. He's the one that's messed me up."

"You've got to take some of the responsibility too." _I don't think so_. It's so much easier for Loki to place all the blame on Chris, he'd only hurt himself to think he'd caused this.

"He emotional blackmailed me to push me into taking more drugs;" Loki begins to list, "made me think that he actually liked me; said I was unattractive and no one else wanted me; possibly took my virginity through rape and then made me-"

"Wait, what?" Balder interrupts, just the reaction Loki wanted. "He raped you?"

"I said possibly, I don't know for sure if it was, I don't remember." Balder only stares at Loki, waiting for him to continue. He starts by taking a deep breath. "I'd done sexual things with him before, like you know, but I only started doing it to prove to you that I wasn't a child, or I think that's what it was. Then I kept doing it because I liked him. Turns out that was actually my way of paying for my drugs, he didn't tell me that until recently though. The night we had sex he gave me a colourful pill, I don't know what it was, but after that everything's a little hazy, I remember all my senses seemed heighten, and it came very suddenly. Before I know it we're in someone's bedroom...I remember the pain and the pleasure, but I didn't realise what it was until the next morning. Chris said I had asked him to fuck me, but I don't remember that either." Loki didn't realise he'd started crying again until the small sob escapes his mouth. _We're not upset about this! It's just to make Balder beat up Chris_. If that's true why does he feel so sad? "We've had sex since then, to pay for my high, but...I also really enjoyed it." Loki laughs brokenly but the laughter soon turns back to sadness. Balder wraps an arm around his youngest brother's crying frame, allowing him to lean on him as the tears stream from his eyes.

It takes half an hour for Loki's cries to shallow down to small whimpers, and that's when he finally speaks up again. "Please don't say anything to, Tony." Loki begs, and Balder of course agrees not to say anything, not that he understands why Loki asks. Balder won't say anything to Tony, but he is going to make Christain Frost pay for hurting his little brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry for the wait for a chapter, but at least it's here now! Right? Fingers crossed the next one comes quicker.
> 
> I could ramble for ages about this chapter before it's so long! Instead I'll just say this: I read somewhere that apparently a lot of people who go through heroin withdrawal get that buzzing in their arms and do in fact try to cut it out. I only point this out because I felt like that part seemed a little insensitive to people who cut themselves, which isn't what I want at all.
> 
> Title Quote by Malachy McCourt


	39. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balder and Loki reconnect.

When the third day of withdrawal comes around Loki seems to be doing much better, a very high contrast from yesterday when Balder had ended the day comforting Loki while he keep switching between vomiting, crying about Chris, having a buzzing arm, crying for more drugs, having pains everywhere else, and crying for the sake of crying. It's not that Balder minds looking after Loki, it's just that he's a bit of a handful. But today is a new day, and today Loki comes down stairs after having been woken up by Tony again, with a smile on his face, not crying like yesterday but happy that the buzz in his arm has gone. Balder still notices that Loki isn't eating a whole piece of peanut butter bread yet, which only now raises a lot of concern after seeing how much he threw up yesterday.

After their jog Tony decides he'll stay home with Loki which benefits Balder because now he can bash Christian's face in without explaining himself to Stark. As Balder and Thor are about to leave the house Loki quickly runs up and wraps his arms around Balder, much to his surprise, but he realises why when Loki pulls back and gives him a knowing look. Balder waits until the two of them are in his car and pulling away from the curb to share his plans with Thor. "We're going to kill Chris Frost." That probably wasn't the best way to start if the wide eyes on Thor are anything to go by.

"I'm quite sure that's illegal, Balder."

Balder rolls his eyes, "I meant that figuratively." He waits for Thor to make a noise of understanding before continuing. "What I mean is, we have to ensure Christian won't go near Loki again, and we need to ensure that...psychically."

Thor shrugs, "okay." Balder supposed that was the good thing about Thor, he doesn't tend to ask questions.

Balder only shares his art class with Christian these days and since he didn't have that for either the first two periods he hasn't seen the Frost son yet, but he's positive about where he'll be at break. So when break comes around he meets Thor in the court yard behind the school where they can see Chris on the other side of the school field. Balder glares at the distant figure. He feels his blood boil knowing the blonde has hurt his brother. Touched his brother. _Raped_ his brother. As soon as Balder notices Thor approaching him he begins the long walk over the grass. "So what's the plan?" Thor asks finally joining his side.

"I'm going to beat Chris senseless, and you'll make sure no one interferes." They may be going into a schoolyard fight, but Balder is still a man of honour, and two on one wouldn't be fair.

As they edge in closer Balder can hear one of Christian's friends, Alex, whispering to him, "dude you're in serious trouble." Chris turns around when they point behind him. The shock on his face doesn't last too long as it soon breaks out into a smirk. Balder and Thor stop a meter in front of the blonde and both cross their arms. "Two out of three Odinsons. Come to buy something for your brother?" Balder laughs, turning to smile at Thor before punching Chris in the face. Not as hard as he's going to. "I'll take that as a no." As Chris staggers on his feet Thor walks around behind him to face Christian's friend who smile timidly back at him.

"I told you not to get involved with my little brother, Frost, and now that you don't have Loki's protection anymore I'm allowed to show you just what happens when you cross my family." He closes the space between him and the blonde, lifts his head up by his hair and punches him square on the nose. Still not as bad as what's to come.

"I didn't do anything with Loki that he didn't want," Chris quickly says holding his now bloody nose. Balder tightens his face back into it's previous furious glare remembering Loki's words from yesterday.

"Now we both know that's not true."

"Someone better call Emma," Nico mutters, and Gert pulls out her phone. Balder holds onto Christian's shoulder before using his actual strength to land a fist in his stomach, letting the blonde fall the floor after.

He bends down to pull Chris's head back before snarling in his face, "I know you raped Loki." He says it quiet enough that no one else hears. Christian begins to deny, and Balder punches him again, then pulls his head next to his to whisper in his ear. "If I could, I'd kill you for ever touching Loki." He supposes hospitalisation will just have to do. Balder throws Chris's head back down so he falls down onto his side, he lands one more punch to his face before standing back up and starts kicking the blonde in the ribs. Balder doesn't kick as hard as he could, no, the blonde would black out quicker if he did that. Blow after blow lands into Chris, hitting his stomach, his ribs, and his arms. At one point Balder takes a break from kicking and out right stamps on Christian's leg.

Balder doesn't stop until he hears Emma Frost screaming for him to do so near by. He breaths heavily and steps back just as Emma reaches them. She drops down to her knees and pulls her older brother's bloody head into her lap, staining her pure white clothing, before looking up to glare hatefully up at Balder. "What the fuck are you doing?!" She screams at him. "When Loki-"

"Loki is the reason I'm doing this!" He shouts back at her. Emma's glare lightens a little, and she switches her gazes to Chris and back again. "That piece of shit has treated my brother terribly, he deserves everything he gets!" With that Balder and Thor leave the Frost siblings alone. Balder still feels angry, but he's positive he's done as much damage as he can without paralyzing Christian. Personally Balder doesn't think that'd be a bad thing, but he doesn't think his parents would be very happy with him.

 

 

Loki's quite happy with how the day's gone, he's also finding that the more time he spends with him the more Loki enjoys Tony's company. They played chess, which Tony won, but that's because Loki's mind still isn't in the right place. They watched more Supernatural, and added some more pictures to Loki's mood 'board', even Frigga decided to join them for a little while. So yes, all in all it's been a good day for Loki. However he was still vomiting, and still does have aches and pains, there's also the occasional cold chills, but even worse are the calls he's been avoiding from Emma. Loki knows what she's calling about, and he's not ready to talk to her about it. The Cabal are coming round to see him after school so he'll talk to her then. He decides as he's making himself look a little more presentable that he won't tell them about his sexual nature with Christian. Victor already knows of course, but that doesn't mean he has to tell the rest of them. It'd definitely be easier if he doesn't.

Balder and Thor end up coming home before The Cabal arrive, not that Loki had expected any differently. "How'd it go?" Loki asks as soon as Balder enters the living room.

"How did what go?" Tony asks on Loki's left as Balder comes to sit at his right. Loki turns sharply around to shh him.

"I'm suspended for tomorrow and the whole of next week." Balder smiles at him, something Loki widely returns. "Totally worth it though." Loki sits patiently and eagerly as Balder proceeds to tell him about his day, and when he's done Loki throws his arms around his older brother's shoulders. It's just as Tony begins to moan about not being informed on Christian's 'potential death' that The Cabal knock on the door.

Loki goes to answer it with a little hesitation, and when he does both Tony and Wade are straight into hugging him. "Thank Taco Bell you're not sleeping with the fishes!" Wade exclaims into his ear. When he sees Emma she only gives him a small smile while keeping her arms crossed, Loki'd be lying to say it didn't break his heart a little. Surprisingly his mother comes into the hallway to greet them is well, and when she's done Loki leads the five of them into his room. "Your room is so nice!" Wade tells him cheerfully and runs around his room like an excited puppy; Wade is the only one of them who hasn't been in his room, or house, before.

"I know we're not suppose to ask, but are you going to tell us what's going on, Loki?" Emma asks staring at his mood 'board', only briefly looking over her shoulder at him. Loki sighs and sits down on his bed, he's not sure how to start. Victor sits on his desk chair opposite him and gives him a reassuring smile. He opens his mouth to start, but closes it again when no words come out. Loki takes a deep breath and briefly closes his eyes.

When he opens them again he's finally ready to speak. "I'm going through drug withdrawal." It's only then that Emma turns round to face him. Tony's eyes widen a little, and for a short moment Wade stops picking up everything in sight to glance at him with furrowed eyes before turning back to his task, Parker's sitting next to him with his mouth covered from where he was previous biting on his fingers and only gives him sideways glance, and Victor looks nonplussed, but it's only really Emma that he cares about now.

"How's that going?" She asks with her arms crossed, as they both keep their eyes locked.

"Well...I feel like shit, but it's better today than yesterday especially."

"And my brother-?"

"Christian's the one that got me started, the one that kept suggesting more stuff and providing it to me." Loki doesn't look away until Emma does, who wraps her arms a little tighter around herself.

"Did you ask Balder to beat up my brother?" Emma asks quietly after a few moments of silence.

"I might of suggested it," Loki admits looking down at his hands. When he looks back up Emma is looking at him, with such sorrow that breaks his heart further. "I was in a bad place yesterday Emma, I've been unhappy for months now and your brother was there for me but he also caused a lot of my sadness. He's damaged me and it's something I haven't been able to see until I was finally sober. I just wanted to hurt him like he's hurt me...I didn't realise I was going to hurt you too."

Emma looks down at her feet when she replies, "I'm sure you didn't mean to upset me, Loki; it's just I've had to spend the past four hours in hospital with my brother," she closes her eyes and rubs her forehead before looking back at him. "Chris has a broken arm, a broken leg, two broken ribs, five cracked ribs, a broken nose, a bruise all down the left side of his face, and a split lip and eyebrow. Did he really hurt you enough the warrant that?" Loki doesn't answer, but then he doesn't need to.

"Yes, he did," Victor answers for him. He stares for a long time at Loki before slowly turning to look at Emma. "Your brother deserves what he got. His bones will heal, Loki's mentality won't."

"The whole point of being a Cabal is that your mental health is in shatters!" Emma yells back at him with a finger pointing in his direction.

"That doesn't give your brother the right to fuck with us!" Victor stands up from his chair, only an inch taller then Emma in her heels.

"He's my family!"

"O egy nemi eroszaktevo!" Emma finally steps back as soon as Latverian spits from Victor's mouth. Of course no one knows what the words mean, but the language means Victor's being deadly serious. Emma glances over to Loki with a look of understanding. "One Cabal, all Cabal." Victor tells Emma when she finally looks back at him. Tony and Loki both share a sigh of relief when Emma nods and Victor turns away. As Emma begins to rub her face, Loki gets up and pull his friend into a hug, it only take a few seconds for the tension to melt from Emma's body and for her to rest her arms around his neck and shoulders.

"I'm really sorry, Em', I really didn't want to hurt you." He tightens his grip slightly in reassurance, really hoping to get his point across.

"It's fine Loki, I'm not actually angry with you. You mean more to me than Christian, you know that." Well actually Loki doesn't know that, but he only slightly doubts her words. "My parents wouldn't come see him, despite all his injuries they don't care." Loki feels wetness against the side of his face, and it takes him a few moments to realise it's Emma. "It's them I hate, not you."

In the end it's Parker that steers them all away from the topic of drugs or Christian instead onto what they're currently doing in school. It's not a partially interesting topic but it's a safer one. Turns out Victor's been taking notes for Loki in every class since January, he finds it so nice that he starts to cry a little, well maybe more than a little. He quickly reassures them it's because he's an emotional wreak at the moment, but he doesn't miss Tony's huff in response and the muttered 'overly close' he whispers to Parker. Tony and Wade tell him about the project their doing for their art class; Tony goes on about it for awhile, but all Loki really hears is blood and skulls. Apparently Marcia Lang is using her own face to do Sugar Skull designs, which should be interesting. Victor's a very good artist, but it's a shame that he doesn't like to show people.

The Cabal leave at seven when Emma is requested home by her parents. On their way out Emma slaps Balder around the face, "don't touch my brother again," she tells him standing tall and dangerous.

"Only if you ensure he stays away from mine." Balder replies, earning a smirk from Emma. Loki hugs each one of his friends as they leave his house, and then spends the rest of the night with Tony since he'll go back to school tomorrow, what with Balder having to be here.

It's weird to think that only last week, or even sooner than that, Loki would have been quite happy to find Balder dead in a ditch, and now they're as close as ever. It's funny how things can change so quickly. To prove their closeness the two started their day together by sitting in the bathroom talking. Loki naked in the bathtub and Balder sitting on the floor with his back leading on the tub. Loki will occasionally wet his hand in the water and then run his fingers through Balder's hair making it stand up. "Will you stop that?" Balder asks as Loki does it for the third time.

"You should be lucky I'm not pushing water over the edge and soaking you." Loki finishes by flicking water into his older brother's face, laughing slightly as he cringes. "You missing school?"

"Not really. I'm hating my Business Studies class at the moment, it's boring and I'm positive Mr Fisk is a secret Mafia Boss." Loki notes this information to look into at a future time. "The last time we were close like this was the day before I started school." Balder says absently after a few moments of silence.

"I don't remember us ever being close."

"You were only four at the time, though we did kinda get along for the first couple of months I was at school, but by January you started refusing to be in the same room as me." Loki stays silent, only making sounds of the water rippling as he moves to lean his head back, keeping his focus fully on Balder. "The day before my first day we were both in my room as I was trying on my school uniform, you were angry and upset that I was going to be leaving you. Before then we were pretty much inseparable. But the morning I left for school you glared at me with such hatred...it just hasn't been the same since then." Balder smiles sadly as he reminisces, and really Loki can't remember a single thing, but then he doesn't have many memories before...actually his earliest memory is of meeting Tony Masters.

"You shouldn't have left me then," Loki tells Balder, flicking a little more water at him.

"I think you just had some vendetta for school because you screamed on your first day."

"I did not!" Loki quickly counters, only for Balder to laugh back at him.

"You did. You refused to leave the house saying how you thought mother wasn't going to pick you back up, instead just abandon you there." Loki furrows his eyebrows as the memory does begin to stir. "Mum started dragging you out the house, but you held on tight to the door frame. In the end mum said 'fine, you stay here on your own then', reverse psychology of course, but as she began to walk towards the car you slammed the front door shut and tried to lock her out. She had to go round and unlock the back door and try to get you out that way instead. When we finally got you in the car you scowled for the whole ride." Loki smiles fondly at his younger self, remembering how even after school he wore the same expression.

"When she came to pick us up and saw Tony she said 'see, it's not all bad you even made a friend'," Loki repeats the memory doing his best to mimic his mother's voice.

"You straight out glared at her and said 'you're not forgiven' and pushed past her towards the car." Balder laughs as he finishes, Loki lightly joining in too.

Balder and Loki spend most of the remainder of the day looking through old photos. Long forgotten ones of the two of them playing happily together with colouring books and in sand pits. They also look at more recent photos of Balder with Warriors and Loki with Cabal. By the end of it all Loki nearly regrets the tense relationship between him and his oldest brother over the years. If only a little. Later that night Loki chooses not to explain to Tony why he's framing a photo of a younger version of himself and Balder, both with each other's painted hand print on their face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not happy with this chapter, but I'm ill at the moment and everything seems horrible, so maybe it's just me. Hopefully it's just me.
> 
> I didn't write down what Victor said in 'Latverian', but I'm sure it's "he's a rapist". I love Emma and Victor's relationship, because they're the strongest members of Cabal. I like thinking they have like a brother and sister relationship. Also this may be the first time I've used the saying 'one Cabal, all Cabal', which I'm sure is self-explanatory. 
> 
> Title Quote by Mahatma Gandhi


	40. One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.

By day five of drug withdrawal Loki's feeling pretty surprisingly healthy, but he's still fed up with the vomiting and body aches. He ends up voicing this to Tony as he's hunched over the toilet bowl. "You've only got two days left to go. I'm actually surprised you stuck with it, I was about sixty-forty that you wouldn't." Loki tilts his head to look at Tony in exasperation.

"Thanks," he huffs sarcastically. Tony only shrugs back at him. "If I only have two days left," Loki moves on, "then why do I have a calendar of forty days?" Loki stands up, flushes the toilet and begins to clean up in the sink while Tony stays seated on the floor.

"I told you, post acute withdrawal symptoms."

Loki pulls his tooth brush out his mouth so he can speak, "but you never told me what that was," and goes back to brushing as Tony sighs.

"It's all more mental than psychical. Right now you're having psychical withdrawals like vomiting, diarrhea, aches and pains. With PAWS it's more depression, anxiety, impaired concentration, emotional overreactions, ya'know, things like that." Loki spits in the sink as Tony finishes. He's already aware he doesn't have a great mental stability, comes with the perks of being a Cabal, but Loki would much rather throw up everyday than have his mind worsen. "I'm sure it won't be too bad," Tony finally pushes himself off the floor and throws his arm around Loki, pulling him closer, "you have good people around you." Loki only looks at Tony out the corner of his eye before removing the arm from around his shoulder.

"Speaking of good people, can you leave?" Loki pushes Tony a little away from him, and starts to fix his hair in the mirror. After several moments of silence he turns back to the male, and sees, most likely faked, hurt covering his face. Loki rolls his eyes. "The Cabal are coming round to spend the day with me, I'm sure they'd appreciate your absence." His explanation doesn't move Tony, so with a sigh Loki pushes him harshly out the room. "Go play with The Avengers," and with that he closes the bathroom door and continues to get ready.

 

"What do you think we'd be like in a zombie Apocalypse?" Loki ponders to his friends. The six of them are sitting in his living room, Emma on Loki's right, Victor on his left, and Parker, Tony and Wade sitting on the floor playing on the X-box. A zombie game on the TV screen that had sparked Loki's turn in conversation.

"It's funny you should ask," Emma starts, "because just the other day I had a dream about it. Though I don't remember much, I do remember Victor telling a zombie to fuck off." Loki turns to his blonde friend with a look of amusement in his eyes. "He was building something that was going to save us all, and the zombies burst through the door, we all started screaming and Victor turns around at his work desk and says 'oh fuck off, can't you see I'm busy!' and they pretty much go 'oh okay' and leave shutting the door behind them." Loki laughs softly and turns to Victor who only shows a small smirk.

"Probably muttering 'quickly before he starts saying it in Latverian and kills us all'," Loki adds much to Emma's amusement.

"I'm not that bad," Victor tells them. Tony huffs but doesn't turn around to see Victor glaring at his back.

"Me and Venom have to deal with your Latverian nearly every Science lesson, it's like waiting for an active volcano to explode. You know, last lesson he snapped a pencil with one hand, he had to go get splinters taken out of his fingers." Emma explains looking pointedly at Victor.

"It's been all go since I've been away then?"

"'Fraid so," Tony says, finally giving up on the game and turning around to join the three of them instead. "Reed and Susan got into an argument in the middle of English, and she stormed off to go join Marcia and Ivan's table dragging Jennifer along with her."

"I bet we'll go in Monday and they'll have split," Emma states absently.

"How's your pursuit of Peter going?" Loki asks Wade, he doesn't miss the way Tony subtly frowns.

"Not great," he says with a little sadness, but starts manically laughing as a zombie starts eating his character. "I have to eliminate Osborn," Wade carries on once his character has revived, "I was thinking...murder!" Loki and Emma laugh as Wade turns to do an impression of the dramatic chipmunk.

"We could just murder you, that would definitely get rid of a couple of problems." Wade does nothing but grin at Victor in reply.

"Neither of you are killing anyone," Tony says sternly, "at least not this year. It's inevitable that both of you are going to kill someone at some point." Loki can't help but feel a sense of foreboding in Tony's words.

 

"No wonder you're so skinny," Emma waves a hand at Loki's lunch of peanut butter bread. The Cabal had helped themselves to making a sandwich, and were now currently eating them in his dinning room. "Is that really all you've been eating?"

"You don't even like peanut butter," Tony adds with his mouth full.

"It's grown on me. And yes, this is all I've been eating. I didn't eat much while on drugs and now I still don't have an appetite." Loki explains to them as he focuses on pulling his bread apart. When he raises his eyes, simutaiously nibbling his food, he notices Wade taking a big bite of his sandwich and furrows. The thought of taking in anymore than small bites makes him feel queasy. His gaze turns to Parker who's always nibbled his food like a mouse, before Loki went down the road he did Parker was the thinnest of all of them. Emma tends to take the longest time chewing as possible with even the smallest mouthfuls. Victor refuses to bite anything his eats and will instead rip his food apart before popping it in his mouth, Loki figures it's a Latverian thing. Lastly Loki turns to Tony who seems to eat as quick as he can, perhaps that's what he's learnt to do after living where he does. Loki hmms to himself, he'd never really thought about it but the way people eat can really say a lot about them, but he's not going to analyze it further right now.

"We should go get Ice Cream after this," Emma says randomly, but Loki sees her eyes locked with Victor's, so maybe not so random. He doesn't ask, just agrees.

 

Loki feels more full than he's felt in ages after the solidified snack, but the heaviness in his stomach leaves him also feeling quite sleepy so the Cabal walk him back home not long after. They're standing outside his house when his mother comes out, and they stop their conversation as she starts walking towards them. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt," she apoligises placing a hand on Loki's shoulder, "I was just wondering if the five of you would like to join us for dinner tomorrow? It'd be a great chance for me to get to know Loki's friends finally."

"I'd love to!" Wade shouts before any of them can even react. Loki turns his head to stare questioningly at his mother, but she seemingly ignores him.

"I don't thin-" Victor starts to decline before stopping short as Emma elbows him.

"That's very kind of you, we'd love to join you," she accepts politely and smiles brightly. Victor rolls his eyes but ends up agreeing, as do Parker and Tony.

"You will not regret this Mrs Frigs," Wade says grinning widely.

Frigga laughs lightly. "It's Mrs Borson, sweetheart," she corrects him, but Wade's grin doesn't waver.

"That's what I said, Mrs Frigs." Loki's mother goes to correct him again but Tony interrupts her.

"Don't," Tony tells her, "he won't." Frigga furrows her eyebrows but leaves the conversation at that and heads back into the house.

"What the hell was that?" Victor snaps when she's out of sight.

Loki sighs, "I have no idea."

 

The next day Frigga asks Loki to help her in the Kitchen, which he doesn't feel is a great idea, but he follows along anyway. "We've got a lot more food to prepare today. The five of us and The Cabal, ten people in total, it's like having a dinner party," she says it excitedly, and although Loki doesn't hear it he wonders if it's slightly faked and covering up stress. He stares at her as he mixes whatever she's past to him.

"Why are you doing this?" Loki ends up asking, his stare having turned into suspicion.

"Doing what?" Frigga asks innocently, and it only causes Loki's eyes to narrow slightly, but his mother doesn't notice with her back to him.

"You know what." Loki huffs as she continues to shrug, and just spells it out to her, "The Cabal. You've never invited them round before." Loki's had to sit through countless meals with The Avengers and Warriors, but never has she asked Cabal to join them.

"I just want to get to know your friends, Loki."

"You've never cared to get to know them before," he spits through gritted teeth. Finally she turns around to see his angry expression.

"I don't want to focus on before," she says touching his cheek softly and he only slightly moves his head away from it. "I want our relationship to start again. I want to get to know you again, and what better way to start than with the people you're closest to." Loki doesn't move as she kisses his forehead and turns back to cooking. He's still displeased, but lets a smile grace his lips anyway.

"Victor's a vegetarian," Loki gives in, moving forward to further help his mother with the meal, "and Wade won't use a knife or fork, so be prepared for that."

 

Parker's the first one to arrive, only living across the street, then Tony and Wade. Emma and Victor turn up some time after, the blonde seemingly having made the male come. The six of them escape to the Loki's room after he senses Victor and Tony's discomfort at being around his family, which with both of them being parent-less is understandable.

Five out of six of them are sitting on Loki's bed when Wade pulls his head out from under and shouts "eureka!" with a book in hand. "I found a beautiful story book," he says proudly as he crawls on to the furniture with everyone else.

"Loki has lots of books right there," Tony says with an exasperated voice while waving a hand over at the shelve above Loki's desk, which just like Tony points out is cramped full of books.

"Yeah, but not with pictures," Wade tells him like he's talking to an idiot, then proceeds to sigh happily and throw open the book to a random page. "I haven't read this book in...a thousand years!" Wade exclaims and starts humming to himself.

"I know that tune," Emma says as she leans over to lift up the book cover, "Bear Hunt," she smiles fondly and lets Wade get back to reading.

"Bear Hunt?" Victor asks.

"Everyone read 'We're going on a bear hunt' as a child. You didn't?" Everyone moves their eyes to Victor at Emma's question, even Wade lifts his off the page.

"Latverian," the answer is enough to satisfy them and they turn back to Wade. Loki remembers winning the book as prize back when he was seven, back when the book was clean and crisp, now it's worn with use. A smile spreads his mouth when he thinks back to himself, Tony, Parker and Emma pretending to go on bear hunts as children. He meets eyes with Tony who smirks back to him, Loki can only imagine he's remembering the same thing.

"Will you read it to us?" Tony asks Wade, keeping his eyes locked with Loki for a second. "Loki's still sick," Loki fakes a cough, "and he could really use some cheering up." Wade's grin is startlingly wide, and as quick as a flash he moves to the start of the book and begins to sing. Loki doesn't hesitate as he sings along.

 

"And the pieces all joined together, and the paper dolls flew...into the little girl's memory." Emma reads softly. They'd decided to read more of Loki's children's book, which they said was for Victor's benefit, him never having had them after all, but Loki knew better. He knew that at least four out of six of Cabal would like to revert back to their childhood days, when times were much simpler, and their minds less damaged. They were comforted by the short stories of their youth. "And they jumped, and they sang, and they danced." Emma finishes and closes the book carefully. Aww, nostalgia.

"All we need to read now is Winnie the Pooh," Loki remarks as he remembers that also being a big part of their childhood. They'd read these sweet books, and recreate them in between their games of world domination. Help Pooh get his honey in the morning and then kill everyone in the afternoon. "I still got my whole collection of Pooh Bear books," Emma smiles in what Loki recognises as pride. "We'll have to go round Victor's and read them to him when you're better." She suggests, and of course he nods along. It'll be nice when everything's back to normal, and once again he can sit sober on Victor's couch making conversation about nothing with his friends.

It's as they're deciding to read 'The Hungry Caterpillar' that Loki's mother calls them down for dinner. Victor visibly tenses but on the other side of the scale Wade happily bounds down the stairs. Wade, Tony and Emma sit on one side of the table with Balder and Frigga, which leaves Loki in his usual spot next to Thor now accompanied by Victor and Parker. Odin, apparently being the man of the house, sits at the top of the table, as he usually would of course. Loki, probably because of his current lack of appetite, has a lot less food than everyone else, in fact has a lot different food is well. Where as everyone else has a full Sunday diner, expect of course Victor who doesn't have meat, Loki instead has peanutbutter bread, a hard boiled egg and some mash. Even though it's not much Loki worries whether he'll actually be able to eat it all.

Despite what Loki had said Wade does attempt to eat his food with a knife and fork, but it quickly becomes apparent that he's not going to get the hand of it. Silently Tony removes the plate from in front of Wade and brings it infront of himself to cut up for him. Odin begins to say something to this odd behaviour, but Frigga quickly gives him a look that shuts his mouth. "Emma," his mother begins addresses the only other female, "just so you know we have grounded our Balder for what he did to your brother." Emma gives a nod of thanks but doesn't say anything. "How is he?"

"Not great," she says looking pointedly at Loki's oldest brother, "he's broken quite a lot. But I suppose he'll recover."

"You're Winston Frost's oldest daughter, correct?" _Living_ , Loki adds in his head. He doesn't even bother mentally questioning why Odin's asking for this conformation when Emma's been a part of Loki's life for _nine years_. But Emma agrees politely. "A great man your father is, I've done quite the few business deals with him." Loki smirks across at Emma who rolls her eyes playfully. "What is it that the rest of your families do?" Tony chokes a little on his drink at the question, but smiles dismissively when they turn a concerned glance at him.

"Both my parents are dead," Victor starts them off, but only graces Odin with a sideways look as he speaks, "but my mother was a fortune teller, and my father a doctor."

"A doctor," Odin repeats, "a highly regarded profession."

"Actually," Victor stops him before he can continue, "a fortune teller is more respected where I come from. My father would only treat the sickness, my mother would prevent it coming at all." Odin furrows his eyes, but Victor turns away from him and continues eating. Loki smiles at him.

Parker coughs into the silence before speaking up, "my dad was a car salesman, but now he's a full time carer for my mother." Frigga nods in understanding, fully aware of Parker's family's plight. She would look after Parker when he was younger to help out, take the edge of responsibility from Arthur.

"Tony, what do your parents do?" Loki cringes at Odin's lack of knowledge, but Tony just smiles at him before turning towards the much older man.

"My parents hunt g-nomes," he says simply with a small shrug. The Cabal suppress their smirks and let the scenario play out.

"You mean gnomes?" Odin tries to corrects, but Tony shakes his head.

"I mean what I said. G-nomes."

"What exactly does...g-nome hunting entail?" The amusement in Frigga's eyes shows she's not fooling for Tony's joke.

"Well, Mrs Frigs"-Loki huffs a laugh as his mother's new nickname seems to be catching on-"g-nome hunting is a delicate art. What you do is leap into the victims garden and throw a bag over the unsuspecting g-nome, then, and this the tricky part, you have to grab the bag and tie it with string before the g-nome can magic itself out."

"And it can't magic itself out with the string on?" Balder asks from next to Tony.

"No. G-nomes are weakened by string," he says in an 'obviously' voice, as though Balder is the idiot amongst them.

"Doesn't this seem a bit cruel?" Frigga asks.

"Excuse you!" Wade exclaims, causing most of them to jump. "G-nomes are evil. The bane of life...after mimes." Loki slightly turns his head to side, he's really not sure if Wade is joking or not.

"I think you're playing us for fools Tony," Odin states, but with an air of amusement. Still Loki rolls his eyes.

"I might be, they could be g-nome hunters. I've been in a carehome since I was a baby, I don't know who my parents are or what they do." Tony says it calmly with a shrugs, but The Cabal know he's hiding sadness under his mask.

"I can only imagine that being a g-nome hunter is a very difficult job, very trying, not a profession to raise a baby in." Tony smiles brightly at Frigga's words, one not at all faked. Loki stares at his mother, a mixture of different feelings washing over him, none of them being the bad ones he usually has directed at her. When she notices she just winks at him before turning to talk to Wade. Loki smiles like an idiot down at his plate.

"Well my daddy Wade doesn't work, he has candy cane fingers." Wade explains.

"What does that-?"

"So Odin," Tony interrupts him and asks, "what is it exactly that you do? Loki's never told us." Loki frowns slightly before sharing a look with Emma and Victor, they both shrug, a confused look also within Emma's face. Not Victor's though, Loki notes interestingly. It leaves him pondering just what exactly's behind Wade's words, and why Tony tries to make them ignore it. Loki doesn't know much about Wade, but within the first couple of months of meeting him, before his descent with Chris, Loki learnt that Wade's mother was no longer alive, when or how she died reminds a mystery. Whether Wade's actually insane or just extremely childish is another question they haven't answered. Everything'd be a lot easier if their group policy wasn't 'don't ask questions'.

The rest of the meal goes slightly uneventful. Odin no longer tries to make an effort now he knows he won't have an in with any potential business partners. Tony continues to make the odd sarcastic comment while Wade chats away happily at perhaps an octave too high. Emma makes polite conversation with his mother, but Victor and Parker try to fade into the background only speaking when spoken to. Loki had to leave the table and run to throw up at one point, and even when he came back they were all laughing nicely together. All in all it's not as bad as Loki thought it could have been, in fact as soon as The Cabal have left Loki goes straight to his mother and hugs her. "Thank you," he whispers into her chest. Loki closes his eyes as she strokes his hair.

"I love you, my little dark prince," Frigga murmurs lovingly. Loki tightens his grip on her as a way to push out the last bits of paranoia from his mind. He believes her, but there are still parts of him that says her words are lies. "I think we'll go to a museum tomorrow." She says after moments of silence. Loki lifts up his head to look questioningly at her. "You're not back at school until Tuesday, we can go out and have fun."

"But why the museum?" Frigga smiles sadly with a distant look in her eye, he raises an eyebrow but she doesn't notice.

Last day of the week of withdrawal and Loki is still feeling like shit. Granted, he feels _so_  much better than he did last Monday, but still not 100%. As he begins to get ready for his day out with his mother and co' he wonders if he'll ever feel well again. Right now Loki just feels as though he has a bad cold and finds he's constantly wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve. _Should probably get some tissue_ , he decides after staring down at the slime trail on his jumper. _Gross_.

Loki chooses not to have peanutbutter today, he's so fed up of putting it in his mouth, the actually thought of doing so now make him feel sick. Instead his mother does him hard boiled eggs, and he sits there biting in to it with Balder and Tony sitting around him as Thor leaves for school on his own. Himself and Tony will be joining him tomorrow, Tony says it'll be best to get back to normal as soon as possible and a week should be sufficient enough to do so. However Loki is not as keen on that idea, but he's not going to dwell on it now, instead he's going to have a content day at the museum with his mother, brother and Tony. Loki decides he doesn't like eggs either.

The place Frigga takes them to is just over half an hour outside of town, though was most likely made quite a bit longer with them having to stop so Loki can open up the door to throw up. He's never had motion sickness before, but since his stomach is already on edge that'll be why. Loki's quite sure he's never been to this particular museum before, not that he can say he's been to many, but as he gets out of the car there's a sense of Déjà Vu that washes over him. "This isn't a science museum!" Tony says as he come to stand next to him, Loki only regards him with a quick look.

"No one said it was," Balder tells Tony as he walks past towards the building. Loki stays where he is as Tony trails after Balder possibly with the intent of starting an argument.

"But Science is my jam!"

"Come on, Loki," Frigga says ushering him forward.

Loki felt uneasy all around the museum, and not just the 'I'm-about-to-vomit' uneasiness he's become accustom to. The discomfort doesn't lower at all as he scans one historic piece to the next, in fact it heightens greatly as he stares a one particular painting. Loki the Norse God. He's quite sure he's never seen the picture before, and yet he can't escape the feeling that he has. Tony comes to join him after a few minutes but Loki doesn't tear his eyes away. "Never liked artwork," Tony sighs shoving his hands into his pockets. "I think what they should do is have plaques at the side of the 'art'," and Tony does indeed removes his hands to use air quotes, "which will say how long you should regard the work and what emotion the artist is trying to express. I just think it'll make better use of everyone's time." Loki tilts his head back to look at Tony, who shrugs back at him. "I just don't understand it... and I understand everything."

"Art is suppose to be abstract. You don't understand it because there is no right or wrong answer," Loki moves his head back towards painting, "there's nothing to calculate." Loki feels a horrible stir in his stomach and finally leaves the God, quickly moving to the other side of the room and ending up on a painting of a woman and man he vaguely recognises from an English class.

"Benedick and Beatrice," Tony hums as he reads the name before sighing in frustration, "see...I just don't get why this has been painted."

"Really?" Loki asks with an eyebrow raised. "This is early fan-art. Benedick and Beatrice are characters from the book Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare."

"I didn't pay attention in book class," Tony says off-handedly, Loki doesn't even bother correcting him.

"This painter has probably watched the play and decided to create his own little interruption of it. The pair appear to dislike each other but they want to be together even if they don't realise it yet. The painter has shown this by having the characters almost with their backs to each other but both are clearly looking at the other from the corner of their eye." Loki turns to Tony as he finishes explaining, hoping he's drilled it into he's supposedly genius mind.

"So the artist is telling a story that someone else has already wrote? What's the point in that?" Loki bites back an insult on the tip of tongue and storms off with a huff. "What?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's while I was re-reading this chapter that I've realised my Tony Masters is nothing like TaskMaster. Not sure if that's an actual bad thing, because I kinda like Tony the way he is. I will start off by saying I have no idea where the conversation on gnomes came from, I don't really remember writing it either. And Tony pronounces it g-nomes just because I do. I think one of the CBBC presenters used to do it when I was younger and it just kinda stuck.   
> Also Wade referring to his father having Candy Cane fingers, I'm not sure when I decided that was going to be a metaphor for what it's for, but it is now. 
> 
> Title Quote by Jonathan Safran Foer


	41. One day, someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki goes back to school.

The day starts perfectly normal, the usual wakening from Tony, a small breakfast and then a short jog. It's only when he returns to his room after a bath and finds his school blazer laid out on his bed that Loki remembers he's suppose to be returning to Marvel today and really it's not something he thinks he can deal with right now. He can just picture all his fellow students staring at him, knowing exactly what he's been doing, judgement as clear as day in their eyes. _They won't know, how would they?_  Loki tries to reassure himself as he begins to breath heavily. _Why wouldn't they?_ His paranoia screams back, and as it normally does, wins hold over him and Loki finds himself running to lock himself in the bathroom, trying not to hyperventilate. Loki's just throwing up with his voices becoming ever more hateful when Tony begins talking to him through the door. "You don't have to go back to school today if you don't feel ready," Tony tells him and somehow it immediately stops his thoughts and vomit. Although at the thought of it being Stark's voice comforting him Loki feels the slight need to throw up just prove that Stark can't have that effect on him.

"Really?" Loki asks in a small voice, his throat too sore to speak any louder.

"Yeah, I'm not going to force you into anything. Do you want me to stay here with you?" Loki shakes his head before remembering that Tony can't see him through the door.

"No, I think I'll just catch up on sleep," because that's normally the reason for people being over-emotional, right? They're just over-tired, or at least that's what parents tell their young children. When Loki begins to think more rationally he remembers his conversation with Tony about Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, Loki's not sure he's going to be able to deal with another month of this. Then Loki also remembers Tony telling him about the forty day calendar, and that actually PAWS 'will last longer than forty days'. Loki lets his head bang down on the toilet seat. He's never going to be normal again.

Loki does do as said and spends the whole day sleeping, whilst trying to mentally prepare himself for the next day. Which goes better. Tony doesn't leave his side for a moment, except for while he's in the bath, only because Loki tells him he can't, so instead Tony tells Balder to sit with him. Loki's thoughts don't get a chance to manifest as Tony continues to talk to him about anything that sparks his mind. It's not until Balder drops them off at Marvel that he begins to panic. _Not ready for this, not ready for this at all._  "Come on," Tony says pulling him by his arm towards the building, "The Cabal are waiting for you by your locker."

"What?" Loki furrows his eyes. "How do you know that?"

"Emma's been texting me," Tony says, "though very reluctantly I must add. That girl has quite the mean vocabulary on her." Loki would laugh if he wasn't so sure everyone they passed was looking at him. "Right," Tony stops walking causing Loki to bang into him, "I'll see you in tutor then." Loki turns his head to see they're standing by the archway leading into a room full of lockers, and does indeed see The Cabal standing next to his. He doesn't bother faring Tony a goodbye and just walks over to his friends.

"...it's probably the best Disney movie, let's be perfectly honest," Loki hears Tony say as he approaches.

"No arguments there," Emma agrees before turning to smile at him. "Loki! It's so good to see you here," Emma hugs him gently before allowing him to get to his locker. Loki tries to push out thoughts on how Emma's treating him like he's about break, and instead turns his focused to opening his locker. _What day is it?_  Loki ponders trying to figure out what books he'll need. _Wednesday...which mean we're doing..._  

"DT," Victor suddenly says next to him. "We have double DT next, so you won't need a book," Victor then proceeds to remove his shoulder bag and put it in his locker, Loki doesn't protest and allows Victor to move through the actions. _Poor breakable Loki can't even put his own bag away,_  his mind sneers at him. Loki bites on the inside of his cheek to desperately stop his mind talking, to no positive result.

They spend the next ten minutes beside Loki's locker while they wait for the bell to ring. Loki fades out of the conversation as he watches people pass, his mind somehow convincing him that they're all looking at him. _Look there's that drug addict,_  he imagines them thinking, _doesn't he look so sickly and bony, absolutely disgusting!_  Then this re-lightens the memory of Chris telling him he's no longer attractive. Loki closes his eyes against the blondes words. "Loki!" Victor shouts to have Loki's eyes snap open. "Tutor," is his simple explanation and begins to walk off. Loki takes a few seconds to compose himself before quickly following Victor and Parker up the stairs to the second floor where their form rooms are.

"I'll see you first lesson," Parker waves as he goes left at the top of the stairs while both of them go right. Loki waves to the back of Victor when he reaches his own classroom, but doesn't enter. He stands there worrying about what he'll be greeted with on the other side. He can't tell himself enough that they won't care that he's been absent for the past week, and that they won't know why, but the fear of seeing them looking at him with knowing eyes if he enters the room scares him enough to start backing away from the door. He finds himself stumbling as he turns to run down the stairs, and running straight out the school, not stopping until he reaches his home. Even as his legs begin to ache, he doesn't let up.

"Loki?" His mother asks when he runs into the hallway, but he ignores her in favour of going up the stairs and hiding in his room where he collapses on his bed, freeing his legs from the weight of his body. _Well that was a disaster,_  Loki thinks as he rolls over onto his back. "Loki, sweetheart," he hears his mothers voice float through the now opening door.

"I'm fine," Loki pants, still trying to get his breath back, he'd rather not start a conversation about this now. Frigga doesn't push the subject further, but it's a moment before she actually leaves the room.

Loki doesn't get off the bed until he hears his phone ringing, though he's not quite sure how long after that is. He's positive it's Tony so doesn't even bother looking at the ID before answering. "Are you still at school?" And of course he's right.

"No, I'm back at home," Loki begins to pick at the hem of his shirt when he hears Tony sigh, "I'll try again tomorrow."

"I realise it's difficult; you can wait until you're ready, Loki. I'll come round af-" Loki cuts Tony off by closing his phone, choosing then to throw it to the other side of the bed. He really can't be doing with Stark's concern right now. He's fine, it was just a little slip up, that's all.

Loki sighs as he slides off the bed and begins to approach his window, "a bit more than a slip up." It's disgustingly bright outside and it makes Loki regret being drugged up during his favourite season, now he has to wait at least another eight months for the snow to come back.

How long Loki sits at his window ledge for he doesn't know, the only indication of time passing by is his mother bringing him fresh cups of tea. There's not much to see outside his window, just his back garden, a small alleyway separating houses, and then the back of the opposite house and their garden. They've lived here twelve years and yet Loki has no idea who lives there. If he doesn't know by now though, it probably doesn't matter. Loki doesn't turn his head when the door opens, assuming it's just his mother and holds out his cup for a refill. "No thanks," a male voice says pushing the cup back towards Loki. He finally looks out of curiosity and sees Victor standing beside him, the sight elopes Loki's face into a a smile.

"Victor," Loki greets happily peeling himself from the seat.

"I come baring gifts," Victor tells him in monotone whilst moving over to the bed to open up his bag, Loki follows and sits on the mattress. What Victor pulls out is many pieces of paper tied together with purple ties.

"What's this?" Loki asks picking up one with 'English' written largely in calligraphy on the first page.

"These are all the notes I've gathered for you over the past three months." Loki looks at the mass of paper, _that's a lot of notes_. "Marcia organised them all for you. I had them all in one folder, but she said that wasn't efficient enough." Victor shrugs before sitting down iswell.

"I don't know what to say," Loki struggles for words and resorts to taking his best friend into a hug, "thank you, Vicky." They stay like that for a few moments, Victor eventually hugging Loki back uncomfortably. "Wait, you said Marcia?" Loki raises an eyebrow when he pulls back. "Marcia Lang? Why'd she do this?" Loki can't remember having that much contact with her, despite being in the same classes for the past four years, and also in the same tutor.

"She was concerned." Victor says offhandedly like that's enough of an explanation. Loki goes to further his questioning, but is interrupted. "Also she's going to be with you tomorrow to make sure you don't run away again. Hope you're okay with that because it's not up for debate." Victor gives him a pointed look, causing Loki to keep his mouth shut. "Good. Now, which subject do you want to catch up on first?" Loki smiles at Victor, before yet again hugging him. Why he ran to Christian instead of his friends he'll never know.

Victor stays for a couple of hours, until Tony comes back, looking disdainfully at the other brunette as he makes his leave. Loki tries to make him stay, as does Frigga with the offer of making him dinner, but Victor rather rudely declines, causing Loki to laugh. Loki tells Tony that he will be attending school tomorrow, interrupting Tony when he tries to tell him he doesn't have to. It's not like Loki really has a choice when Parker, Tony and Wade turn up at his door in the morning after forcing Parker's father to give the four of them a lift to school. "But it's my job to look after you," Tony says dejectedly when Loki leaves the house with his friends.

"So you know Marcia right?" Tony asks pointing at the black haired beauty standing at the front of the school with Emma and Victor. She's smaller than them, around the same height as Parker. Loki thinks she's absolutely stunning, and he's surprised he's never fully noticed her before.

"Hi," Marcia smiles at him when the four of them are suddenly next her, "ready for the day ahead?" She asks walking along side Loki as they all enter the school.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Loki replies with uncertainty.

"Don't worry, I'll look after you," she links arms with him, trying to reassure him as best she can. Weirdly enough Loki feels completely calmed in her presence.

"Lucky me," he murmurs without a single hint of sarcasm.

They spend the time before tutor going around to each other's lockers, and despite passing so many people Loki's mind doesn't betray him with his focus so clear on Marcia. "I like your dress," Loki compliments sincerely pointing at her purple and black Gothic piece.

"Thank you. My parents own a company that supplies different fabrics, so I make all my clothing myself." Loki is stuck being amazed at how well Marcia's clothing has been made, and the sheer amount of people at their school whose parent's own companies. "Do you want to go to tutor now?" Marcia suggests. "It might be easier for you if we go in before everyone gets in there." Loki nods and allows the shorter black head to lead them away, waving quickly to his friends.

Loki still hovers when he gets to his tutor's door, but the hand on his back relaxes him enough to prevent the urge to run away. Eventually after many deep breaths Loki manages to open the door and enter, only to be greeted with three other students who don't even look up at him as he moves in the room. Loki sits down in his usual spot and Marcia seats herself next to him where Tony has recently become accustom to sitting. "See, this isn't so bad," Marcia says to him gently, "and next we have double maths, where you'll be with Victor and I'll sit in front of you with Thanos. Everything will be fine." Much to Loki's surprise his thoughts don't scream any hatred at Marcia as she speaks, and Loki can't help but wonder why. Surely her telling him what he's going to be doing shouldn't be okay, and mothering him definitely shouldn't.

"I don't need you to baby me," Loki tries to spit at her, but it lacks any force.

"Yes you do," Marcia replies smoothly, smiling calmly at him, and Loki's at a complete lose for what to say. There's no urge to argue with her.

"What's this?" Tony asks when he finally appears next to them. His turn up causes Loki to pull his focus away from Marcia's near black eyes, which he hadn't actually realised he'd be staring into.

"Stark."

"Lang," they greet each other with small nods, "seems you've stolen my boy."

"Don't talk about me like I'm a possession!" Loki quickly exclaims, glaring at Stark to suppress the shock that he actually feels at the words exploding from his mouth.

"But-"

"I'm not something to own," Loki says much calmer this time, yet still continuing to glare at Stark as he stutters for words. When Marcia waves her fingers at him, Tony huffs and goes to sit behind them.

"I think he likes you," Marcia whispers quiet enough that Tony won't hear.

"I don't think so," Loki huffs a laugh at the ridiculous idea.

"Trust me, I can read people extremely well. He himself may not even realise it yet, but he does like you."

Loki takes the rest of tutor to ponder that idea. Stark like him? An Avenger like him? It doesn't sound right at all. There's also the fact that Tony's dating Pepper, not that Loki's seen the two of them together for a while. But then he hasn't been out the house in a while either. The more intruding question that arises in Loki though is why he's allowing his walls to lower for Marcia, or why he feels oddly secure with her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter seems rushed, and it probably was, I just want to finish this story already, I've been writing it for so long. I think I've got three more chapters to write and then the story should be done. However it might take me a while to do that as it's Christmas and I've been given so many extra hours at work. But I've quit college(again) so that will give me more time to write. 
> 
> I hadn't planned for Marcia and Loki to begin a friendship until I was half way through writing this, so it was just luck on my part that I had previously stated they were in the same tutor. I just feel like they would be friends, what with Loki's daughter being the Queen of Hel and everything, and Loki has died quite a few times. And no, I have not written a story adding Loki into the Death, Thanos and Deadpool love triangle...
> 
> Also I have created a Marvel High School and Sixth Form year book. It includes years 10.6, 11.6, 12.6, and 13.6, because they're the only ones that really matter. It's just pictures of what I imagine the students look like, I made it awhile ago, but wasn't happy with the person I'd chosen to visualize Thanos, but I've changed that now and it's half-perfect! If anyone is interested I'll post it on my DeviantArt.
> 
> Lastly, I don't know if I've said this in a previous note or not, but I'm not entirely sure how Marcia is pronounced. I thought it was Mar-See-Ah, but I heard it's pronounced like Marsha. And then today I learnt that Tony Masters' name is short for Anthony, which obviously I hadn't realised. However I don't like Anthony Masters, so in my story his name will just be Tony.
> 
> Title Quote by ...Unknown?


	42. And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's new day at school.

Loki hadn't realise it before, probably because the Cabal ignored most everyone, but the people in Sector 10.6 are actually really nice. When he enters his maths classroom everyone welcomes him back with either cheerful greetings or waves and nods of acknowledgment, to which Loki quietly thanks them for while moving to his seat at the back of the room next to Victor. Marcia does move from her spot next to Ivan and sits besides Thanos in front of Victor, giving Loki a warming smile as she does so. From the table diagonal to theirs Mercedes turns around in her chair and starts to excitedly rattle of gossip pieces to Loki, but gets cut short when Mr Osborn tell her to shut up as he joins them in the room. It's weird that they're all acting like this because Loki hasn't actually been absent for three months, only his mind has. It's this that sparks the thought that they all knew there was something wrong with him, and they can clearly see a difference now that he's sober. Which, Loki supposes, is understandable, even he thought he looked healthier after viewing himself in the mirror this morning. He's still got quite the way to go before he looks as good as he did before, but right now even the smallest of improvements makes a whole lot of difference.

It's difficult for Loki to keep up in lessons, as he tries to simultaneously catch up on what he's missed and focus on what's being taught now; but Victor and Emma are there to help him along, them being the smartest of their group. At break they pass The Runaways in the halls, and Loki tries his best to avoid eye contact with them as they stop to ask Emma if Chris is okay. Gert squeezes his arm encouragingly as the two groups go their separate ways, and then Loki can't help but let his eyes trail after them, he'd be so grateful for a smoke right now. Loki bites his lip at the thought, almost moaning with want.

"So are Susan and Reed still together?" Loki asks them in the middle of English, the second to last lesson of the day, just Art left and he can go home with his head held high at making it through a full six periods of school. Marcia is sitting in Thanos' seat, the male is instead sitting with Ivan, Susan and Jennifer on the other side of the room.

"Yes," Marcia says with certainty, "but they're very much on the edge of a break up, unless Reed does something drastic to win Sue's favour they won't be together too much longer."

"They've been like this for a week." Emma sighs. "Remember when we came round on Saturday," she addresses Loki, "I said they'd be split up by Monday, and yet here they are hanging onto nothing."

"You've never been in a relationship," Victor points out to Emma, ignoring the glare she then sends him, "I'm not sure you have experience to be able to judge."

"Well you're an emotionless-" Loki tunes out Emma and Victor as they start bickering back and forth, instead he turns to Marcia.

"Have you been in a relationship?" He asks her because he can. Marcia isn't a Cabal, which means she's not under the don't ask questions rule.

"Yes, I was with Thanos' older brother Eros for over a year, it didn't end brilliantly." She tells him with no sorrow, the ever present small smile still carved like marble on her mouth.

"No?" Loki asks pushing for more information.

"No...Eros is not very good with monogamy."

"Ahh," Loki utters with understanding.

"Hmm...Ivan and Thanos beat him up for it though, so happy ending." Loki smiles brightly at Marcia, briefly thinking of Balder and Thor doing the same for him, though for different reasons.

"So!" Emma interrupts them loudly, snapping both their attention to her. "We're going to the cinema tomorrow, because we decided we'd make it a regular thing," she smirks at Loki before continuing, "would Galaxy like to come with us?" She directs the question to Marcia, who gladly agrees. Galaxy are one of the other three groups in 10.6, along with Spider and Fantastic Four, Galaxy are the smallest only consisting of three members. Loki's not quite sure how to feel about Cabal expanding the amount of people they can stand, but Marcia over the course of the day is becoming one of Loki's favourite people, they're already friends with Thanos, and Ivan being Marcia's twin can't be bad, so maybe there's actually nothing to worry about. _No_ , Loki reassures himself, _Emma and Victor are great judge of character, there's definitely nothing to worry about_.

 

"It's St. Patrick's day tomorrow," Loki remarks on Friday as he gets ready to go out with his friends. Tony's sat on his bed checking through Thor's homework for him.

"Yeah, but that's Osborn's holiday, I don't have to worry about throwing a party for it." Loki goes to roll his eyes but catches himself just before doing so. _Why does that merit an eye roll?_  He wonders before turning away from the mirror to look at the other male.

"What I mean is what are we doing for it?"

"'We'?" Tony questions looking up from the paper.

"You're suppose to be my 'drug-free buddy', alcohol counts as a drug. So am I allowed to drink or not?"

"You're fifteen, Loki, you're not supposed to be drinking at all."

"Oh please, you've been drinking scotch since before you could walk," Loki accuses crossing his arms for good measure.

"Only because my parents were told it was a good way to stop babies crying." Tony points out in humour, which does finally get an eye roll from Loki, he doesn't bother to correct him that it's brandy you rub on babies gums.

"Fine," Loki huffs before a brilliant idea comes to mind, "but if I have to stay sober so do you." Loki thoroughly enjoys the way Tony's mouth drops open.

"No! This is the biggest drinking night of the year! I'm not miss it!"

"Not even for me," Loki asks sweetly sitting next to Tony on the bed, thinking of what Marcia said about Tony liking him. Like means weakness, and weakness means way to get what you want.

"Oh you think you're so special don't you?" Tony asks narrowing his eyes jokingly. Loki bites his lip and nods. "Fine, we'll stay here, sober, together." Loki's tummy does an unwanted flip at the words, and it has him jolting off the bed, completely through with that game now. _Where the hell did that come from?_  

"Great," Loki smiles at Stark, trying to act like the feeling never happened. He's already told himself before that he won't like Stark. Not as a friend, and certainly not like  _that_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing notes to give Galaxy their own one-shot after Save Me is done, because whether you're liking Marcia's involvement or not, I love them. Also I know Starfox and Death have nothing going on, but somehow them having a relationship appeared in my story, and now I like it as a tension between Eros and Thanos, so... :)  
> I wanted to get this story done in 50 chapters, but I'm on chapter 49 and have three plot points left, so maybe 51, let's hope!  
> Last chapter I said something about a year book thingy, if you're interested and haven't seen it, there's a link for it in the series description. Lower your expectations ^-^
> 
> Title Quote by Libba Bray


	43. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> St. Patrick's Day.

All of Loki's friends, Galaxy included, end up going to Harry Osborn's party, leaving Loki sober with Stark. "We love you," Tony starts kindly, "but not enough to miss a night of free alcohol." Loki doesn't take it to heart, knowing his friend is only joking, but still jealousy flares inside him. Even Frigga and Odin have gone out. Loki insists on the two of them spending the night round Stark's house since he feels the need for a change of scenery. Loki can't ignore the happy noises, shouts and music around the city as they drive to Stark's home, and it just adds to his list of reasons he regrets taking drugs in the first place.

"Your house is massive," Loki remarks as they're walking through the many hallways of Tony's...well it's a mansion.

"Ya'know you said that when I brought you here with a nose bleed," Tony smiles at him, which Loki looks away from before he imitates the action. Though Loki doesn't remember saying the words before, but he decides not to mention that. It's awkward enough without Loki bringing up his drug haze.

"Don't you get lonely living here on you own?" Tony shrugs at the question, Loki only sees a hint of sadness flash over his face. In reflection Loki realises it was probably a touche subject, it's only a year and a half since Tony's parents died in a plane crash.

"I'm not on my own, I have Jarvis," Tony says brightly, though Loki has no idea who he's talking about.

"Jarvis..?" He prompts.

"J's my butler, and guardian along side Obie, he's pretty much raised me more than my parents ever did." Loki doesn't say anything, feeling awkward at the openness of the conversation. It's not much, but Cabal never speak to one another like this. Loki's not at all used to it. He's met with the disgusting idea that Avengers wear their hearts on their sleeve, unlike Cabal where it's questionable whether they even have one at all. "Do you want to meet him?" Tony suddenly asks, stopping their walk mid stride.

"Sure," Loki replies with a shrug, it's not like he has anything better to do.

"Great! He should be around here somewhere."

'Around here somewhere,' translates as twenty minutes of walking around before they find an old man sitting in a quiet room reading a book. Jarvis looks up and smiles tiredly at Tony when they walk in. The butler's hair has thinned quite terribly, and Loki can't help but wonder if he has a layer of dust on his skin. _Coffin dodger_ , Loki's mind mutters, and he has to cough to cover up the not so suppressed laugh that escapes him. "Good evening, Sir," Jarvis greets, "and?" He looks questionably at Loki until Tony throws an arm around him, causing Loki to tense underneath the unwanted limb.

"Loki this is Jarvis, Jarvis this is Loki, Thor's little brother." Loki cringes at being referred to as that, before hesitating to shake the old man's hand politely. _Urgh, you can practically feel death radiating off him_.

"It's nice to meet you, Master Odinson."

"Loki," he corrects quietly through gritted teeth, "it's nice to meet you too," Loki says louder with only a hint of sincerity. Old people have a tendency to freak him out a little. When Loki pulls his hand back he tries to subtly wipe it on the back of his trousers while the two other males go ahead in conversation, which Loki makes no effort to partake in. Loki wonders whether this is the equivalent to Tony taking him to meet his parents, which just plays further on the thought that Tony may like him.

Loki's pulled out of his thoughts when Tony grabs hold of his wrist and begins to exit the room dragging Loki behind him. "So, what do you think?" Tony asks when they're further away from the room. Loki contains the desire to burst out 'what does it matter what I think?'.

"Is he dying?" Loki's not sure why that sentence is any better than his original, but he's very curious.

"No!" Tony exclaims. "I mean I'm sure he's not dying just yet."

"I just assumed... because he's really old," Loki murmurs back.

"God, you're so insensitive," Tony tells him playfully. Loki laughs if only because it's true.

"As is the Cabal way," Loki sing-songs. He smiles awkwardly when he catches Tony staring at him, who upon noticing beams back. _I think he likes you_ , Marcia's voice rings in his head. Loki mentally shakes his head until an idea sparks. "How are you and Pepper?" Tony's smile flattens somewhat, much to Loki's interest.

"Fine... we're doing great. I mean I haven't seen too much of her lately, I've been so busy looking after you," Tony nudges Loki gently. It brings a smug smile to Loki's face to know Tony's been neglecting his girlfriend for him. The smile he can deal with, the warming in his stomach he hates.

 

"Do you really need a mini cinema?" Loki asks when the two of them are seated in two of the many large red chairs in front of a huge flat screen. "Doesn't it seem a bit...showy?"

"I can afford to be 'showy'," Tony says as-a-matter-of-fact. "Now shut up, I want to watch the movie."

"It hasn't even started yet," he points outs only to be shh'd. Loki tries to relax next to Tony and keep his focus on the movie at hand, but he can't stop thinking about how the male might like him. Even worse he can't stop thinking about how he might just like the fact that Tony likes him. The only other person that's liked Loki is Christian, and Loki loved the joy that that brought him, even if things ended badly they started great, right? Loki remembers feeling happy back when he was sober and Chris would kiss him. Remembers feeling warm all over when Chris would smile at him. Loki'd like that again...but does he really want it with Tony Stark? _Urgh, I need to get out of my head_. "We should drink," Loki says suddenly.

"Yes!" Tony very quickly responds. "I mean...I'm not sure you should be drinking, you're still in recovery."

"Come on," Loki begs, "I was addicted to heroin not alcohol, a few drinks won't do any harm." Tony looks conflicted for a few moments while Loki stares at him expectantly.

Eventually with a sigh he gives in, much to Loki's delight. "Fine, but not a lot." Loki lies as he agrees to the terms, and bounds out of his seat in search of the nearest bar.

 

Hours later after a 'few' drinks Loki and Tony were sat on the floor leaning against the bar with various bottles of alcohol sprawled around them. They'd long since passed the line of tipsy and were now drunkenly laughing as they talked about their younger years, commenting on how ridiculously they all were back then. It had started on "don't you think Clint sounded like Tigger when he was a kid?" to "and Natasha with her red frizzy Hermione hair!" Then Steve who transformed from a short weedy child to the bulky tall teen he is now. Bruce with milk bottle glasses, "they seemed to be twice the size of his head."

"You know...me and Parker used to insist on having the exact same hair cut," Loki tells Tony as he prods him with a half empty bottle, "before I started growing it out and slicking it back."

"Yeah, I remember," Tony replies lazily, not reacting to the bottle poking at his arm, "I think you look better with it like this." Tony turns his head to look at Loki more direct. "Besides, you can probably see a lot better now hair's not over your eyes." Loki only allows Tony to met his eyes for a brief moment before adverting his gaze. He's not better looking right now, he knows that for a fact, Chris had done the job of telling him so. _I'm probably the only one that likes you now_ , the blonde's voice still rings true through his head. As Loki tries to drown the voice out with bitter liquid he recalls a time when Tony would tell him if he looked attractive and wonders whether he was actually joking, or whether he still thinks so now.

Loki rolls his head on his left shoulder to look at the brunette again and asks in an almost whispered voice, "do you think I'm attractive?" He watches as Stark bites his lip in thought and runs his eyes over Loki's face. Then as he nods slowly Loki's stomach sparks a warmth that spreads through his whole body. "Really?"

"Yeah," Tony sighs. Loki's breath hitches in his throat and he's not sure what to do from there. All he can think to do is close the space between the two of them and kiss Stark, which after a quick glance down at the other male's mouth he does. It's only a few shocked seconds before Tony is pressing back with as much eagerness. In that drunk moment all reasonability is wiped from Loki's mind. He doesn't remember the fact that Tony is dating Pepper, doesn't recall any of his supposed hatred he has for the male and there isn't even a trace of the negatives Chris had forced down his throat.

Loki moans into the attached mouth as he runs a hand down Tony's chest, moving it to the top of the man's trousers which he begins to undo. It's only when the item has been unzipped that Tony stops his hand and removes his mouth, much to Loki dismay. "What?" Loki groans, as Tony pushes him away ever so slightly.

"I'm not going to have a drunken quickly with you, Loki," Tony explains as he does his trousers back up.

"What do you mean?" _Why the sudden change of heart?_  

"I mean you deserve better than this," Tony says softly, gently rubbing his arm.

"No I don't," Loki whines in desperation as he tries to keep a grasp onto whatever sexual air they had, but it manages to slip through his fingers. Tony smiles at him, before stumbling onto his legs and wobbles as he walks away. Loki bangs the back of his head against the bar and sighs heavily. _Well that ended abruptly_. Hopefully he's drunk enough that he won't actually remember this exchange tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it only took them 43 chapters... Anywho, I feel like it's been a while since I updated, but the only time I have to write now is on my phone during my breaks at work and ya'know I'd prefer to eat/rest then. Hopefully there are still some of you reading because other wise I'm just talking to myself :)
> 
> Title Quote by Unknown. Finding a quote to match the chapter is beginning to take it's toll.


	44. I wanted to punch him and understand him at the same time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki just can't catch a break.

"You said the two of you weren't going to drink!" Loki hears Balder's yelled voice from outside his room.

"How was I suppose to know this would happen!" Tony yells back.

"You're the one always going on about how much of a genius you are!" Loki sighs and brings his quilt further up his chin as he tries to drown out the two males. Instead he turns his attention to Thor who'd stayed by his side sitting on his bed.

"Why do we get sick Thor?" Loki asks his brother weakly, knowing he wouldn't have an intelligent answer.

Thor turns and smirks at him. "I think _you_  get sick to provide reasons for Balder to yell at Tony." Loki would laugh if he wasn't so sure it'd rise bile up his throat. He aches all over, even the slight move of a limb sends a wave of agony through his whole body. He had thought he was done with withdrawal symptoms and yet here they are back with a vengeance. Though Loki had over heard Tony briefly telling Balder that he didn't think this was withdrawal, that instead it was purely alcohol having this effect on him. Loki's not entirely sure what's going on with him, but he doesn't actually care, he just wants it to be over.

Loki had woken up to the feeling that he was spinning this morning despite lying still on the bed in one of Tony Stark's guest bedrooms. He'd taken a deep breath to calm himself down but upon doing so was struck with a queezy feeling that had him bolting to the adjoining bathroom to throw his guts out. Loki remembered all of this, remembered it happening when he'd woken up at Victor's two weeks ago, only something seemed worse now. This time he felt weaker and as a result was struggling to keep himself upright to vomit into the bowl. This time his vision swam everytime a wave of waste expelled from him, and even when he sat still the room seemed to move like his eyes were rolling in his skull.

When it happened Loki didn't know, but he'd ended up passing out on the bathroom floor, and when his eyes reopened he was back in the bed. For a split second he let himself imagine that the vomiting was just a dream, until a throbbing pain became apparent in his abdomen. Tony was quickly there leaning over him with only concern etched into his face. "I don't mean to worry you, Tinkerbell, but you are seriously the wrong colour right now," Tony had told him, and really Loki had expected as much. Loki had croakingly explained that this had happened before, and if he could just lay for awhile it'd pass. Except it didn't ease up, and by mid afternoon Tony was carrying Loki back into his home because he was still too weak to walk on his own legs.

As soon as Loki was settled in bed his mother went downstairs to make him some soup, and Balder had dragged Tony out onto the landing where they were both still shouting at one another. It only stopped when Frigga made herself known, making her way past them and into Loki's room, leaving the two outside to stare at one another with stifled anger. Once she'd settled herself down on Loki's bed Frigga shoos Thor out with the older males so she can spoon feed Loki his soup, him not thinking he can manage on his own right now. His eyes feel sore just keeping his lids open, never mind having to lift his arms. "I feel like a vegetable," Loki moans as he compares himself to a coma patient, "a bruised and beaten vegetable." Frigga fondly strokes her son's sweat drenched hair as he winces when he swallows.

"We'll get you through this sweetheart, don't you worry."

They had considered taking Loki to a hospital, but the louder his protests became in his sick guttural voice the less they wanted to. Loki continues to reassure them that he'll be fine tomorrow. Of course when tomorrow comes, after a hardly slept, vomit filled night, Loki isn't any better. So instead of returning to school Loki spends the day releasing vomit, sweat and tears while curled up as best he can into his mother's side.

As soon as they're done with school Cabal come round to grace him with their presence. They all seat themselves on Loki's bed, surrounding him as they talk about their tales from school. Differing between things like school work to Susan finally breaking up with Reed. Victor had also written him more notes from class, which was beginning to make Loki feel bad, Victor having to double his work ethic and all. Though when he thinks about it that's probably not true, as he's more than likely sliding through all their classes with ease. Loki briefly thinks about telling his friends about his make out with Stark, but decides against it when he pictures their disgusted faces in his mind, he can't imagine they'd be happy about their friend having an interest in their enemy. He hasn't had a chance to ask Stark about it, nor did he really think about doing so previously when he was repeatedly throwing up at the man's house. Loki can't even be sure if Stark remembers it happening at all or whether he's just refusing to acknowledge it. It took a couple of days to talk about having sex with Victor, but that was different. Granted Loki's not sure how it's different but he needs Stark to bring up their kiss so he can...no! _We are not going there! I will not do anything like that again with Tony fucking Stark!_  

 

"So maybe we shouldn't drink again," Loki hears Stark say, and he turns his head slightly to see him standing near his door, weirdly having not heard him enter. Loki regards him with an unamused expression while internally he wonders whether Tony's saying that because of the state Loki's in or because of what they did while they were drunk. "I'm going to stay here with you today," Tony shifts awkwardly and waves his arms back and forth at his sides. "It's not like I really have to be at school anyway, there's no way I'm not going to pass my exams." Loki doesn't say anything, not that Tony waits long for him to open his mouth before he's opening his own. "I was worried about my Art GCSE, but I'm sure you're aware it's not a strong point, neither is drama, which Natasha says is ironic because I'm apparently very dramatic. Also PE isn't going great, though I'm not sure-" Loki sighs as he moves his eyes from Tony to stare out the window opposite his bed instead. He realises that Tony is probably rambling to fill the awkward silence hovering over them. Though Loki has nothing to say to Tony, nothing apart from the...encounter. "I'm sorry," Loki ears quickly perk back up at the words.

"For what?" Though he feels he knows exactly what Tony is apologising for, and he can't say it's giving him a very good feeling. He doesn't want an apology.

"For kissing you," _you kissed me? I'm positive it was the other way around_ , "I shouldn't have. I'm dating Pepper, and you're still young."

"You're only a year older than me," Loki mutters, he's tired of being treated like a child.

"A year and five months," Tony corrects, "but that's not the point. I realise you did things like that with Chris but I'm not going to treat you like that." Loki furrows his eyebrows, _treat me like that?_  "Just out of curiosity, how much did you do with Christian?" Loki takes a moment to think over his answer, and decides it's in his best interest to pretend he hadn't lost his virginity to Chris, he'd really like to pretend it never happened.

"The furthest we went was a blowjob," he lies with ease and watches carefully as Tony nods while seemingly processing the information. "You said you found me attractive," Loki points out pathetically.

"And I do," Tony agrees, joining Loki on the bed, "you just don't understand."

"Don't I?" In fact Loki's not entirely sure that he does. "Maybe you should go to school and see Pepper," Loki tells him after a minute of silence.

"You have to understand that I can't break up with Pep, Lokes."

"...Okay?" Loki likes to think he has no idea why Tony's telling him this, and tries to ignore the little pang he feels.

"She's the first person I've ever really liked," Tony goes on the explain.

"I don't care, Stark." Loki says with too much forced to actually be believed. "I don't actually want to date you."

"Loki-"

"Will you go away?" Loki interrupts but refuses to look at Tony. "Now. I want to go back to sleep." It takes a moment but Tony does nod and leave the room silently.

Loki doesn't actually sleep. He stays awake and argues with himself about whether or not he was at all lying. Eventually he ends up in what he tells himself are just frustrated tears.

 

By Wednesday Loki feels just about good enough to feed himself, but still sick enough that he's not able to get up without his vision blurring. Still his mother babys him; padding his forehead with a wet flannel, runs her fingers through his hair as he tries sleep, and reads quietly to him, particularly the Grimms Brothers book Victor had gifted him for Christmas, no matter how many times he tells her to go away. However it's nice to have someone rub his back soothingly as he vomits into his sick bucket, and even nicer to have someone dispose of it before the smell starts to overcome his room.

After school that day Tony comes back to his room to try fix the awkwardness from yesterday. Loki just allows Tony to talk nonsense to him, he hasn't really got the energy to bring anything up again. Tony's interrupted from his rambling when Marcia phones Loki, much to his delight, he can only imagine one of the Cabal gave her his number. The talk with Marcia manages to smooth over his edges. She starts by asking how he is, and randomly starts telling him about the recent planet alignments and how it's affecting her creative flow. Loki only furrows his eyebrows, and shrugs at Tony when he asks what's going on. But other than the confusion the conversation was nice, and he feels oddly refreshed following, enough so to be able to hold up his side of the conversation now with Tony. Again Loki wonders what it is about Marcia that has this effect on him.

On Thursday Loki's just about ready to go stir crazy from being confided in his four walls. So Tony chooses to change this by staying home with him and taking Loki into the garden to rest up. "A bit of fresh air will do you good," Tony says as they both sit on the swing chair out back. It's nice, Loki thinks, breathing in spring time air with the occasional bird chirp in the distance. _Sort of romantic_ , Loki thinks before he can stop himself, _damn_. Loki glances at Tony out the corner of his eye and wishes he knew what the other male was thinking. "I brought you a present!" Tony says suddenly turning to Loki, pulling out a wrapped gift from next to him which Loki hadn't noticed till now. Loki takes the thin square package carefully, looking up at Tony suspiciously.

"Why have you done this?" He twirls the gift around in his hands refusing to open it until he knows the reasoning for it.

"I just thought you'd like the nice gesture." Tony shrugs but Loki doesn't let it drop, knows fully well there's more to it than that. "Fine," he sighs, "I felt bad about the other day, I really didn't want to hurt you."

Loki grinds his teeth, pushing the gift back and snaps, "I said I didn't care!"

"Well I do," Tony pushes, "I care about you-"

"But not more than Potts," Loki mutters. _Shut up! We don't want him_.

"Please don't push me away," Tony begs, releasing a face of despondence on Loki. "I need Pepper, just like you need me."

"I don't need you," Loki spits.

"You needed me to help you through all of this, and I'm still here for you. Pepper was there for me, helped me when I started drinking excessively after my parents died. After all she's done I can't just leave her."

"I don't want you," Loki says desperate for Tony to understand and for himself to believe. Loki has to breath deeply to try prevent himself turning to tears. _What's wrong with me?_   "I hate you." Whether he's talking to himself or Tony he doesn't know.

"I'm sorry," Tony whispers, and Loki allows himself to be pulled closer, head resting on Tony's shoulder as he puts his arm around Loki. Loki feels disgusted at himself as he closes his eyes and rests a hand on Tony's chest, but the comfort he feels is much needed. He can't help but think Tony feels better to lean on than Christian.

Tony smiles as Loki sighs quietly; if only he could get used to this.

 

Victor comes round to visit Loki later in the day, bringing with him news of Christian being let out of hospital which Loki cares little for, and new notes which they revise over a tub of ice cream. "What's that?" Victor asks nodding a head over to the still unwrapped gift now on Loki's desk.

"Present from Stark. I don't want it," Loki lies. He's curious as hell to know what it is, but he doesn't want to give Stark the satisfaction. When Loki turns his eyes away from the gift he notices Victor raising an eyebrow at him. "What?"

"Cabal don't ask questions," Victor explains simply.

"Ah." Loki's not sure he wants Victor asking questions about his relationship with Tony, and since he has a feeling that's where it'll lead, Loki doesn't give Victor access to past the rule. "So what was it you were saying about Shakespeare?" Victor only stares at Loki for a few seconds before going along with the new subject. Loki does wish he had someone to talk to about his feelings for Tony, but he can't with Cabal. That's just not how they do things. He can't speak with his brothers, they'd be far too biased; Thor being close friends with Tony and Balder hating him. God forbid talking to his mother. _Marcia_ , his mind sparks, _she had freely talked to us about Eros, surely we can talk to her about Tony_. It was rare, but his mind really was helpful sometimes.

On his way out Victor suggests Loki go check out his liver. Loki just waves him off, but Victor clearly has a knack for breaking Cabal rules and interferes again. He pokes his head in the living room where Tony and Thor are. "Stark, take Loki to the doctor's at some point, okay?" Tony, in his shocked state, doesn't manage anything but a nod in response.

"You can't do that," Loki tells his best friend.

"I can talk to who I want," Victor says, "and since Stark's not a Cabal he can get you to do things we can't." Loki doesn't dare argue with Victor, but does scowl profoundly as he exits. Loki warns Tony not to do as Victor asks, but as is the male's trait, he ignores what Loki wants and goes ahead and makes Loki an appointment for the following Monday. Loki moans and declines repeatedly, but eventually agrees to go.

That morning he had text Marcia his address and asked her to come round. An hour after school finishes she appears as elegant as ever, this time with what seems to be a funeral hat with a chicken net veil covering half her face. "Good afternoon," she greets in her silky voice. "I must say considering your father's company I expected you to live in a much bigger house."

"Smaller than yours?" Loki smiles and moves aside to allow Marcia entrance into the hallway.

"Well I have a large double front door and it opens into a lobby instead of a hallway. Let's just leave it at that," Marcia laughs and upon doing so Frigga appears through the kitchen doorway. "You must be Loki's mother," she puts out a hand, to which Frigga looks at her in bewilderment. Whether it's because of Marcia's clothing choice or because she's probably the most polite person Loki's ever brought home, or maybe even both.

"Yes, that's me. I can't say I've ever seen you before."

Loki coughs briefly to get her attention, "this is Marcia Lang, a new friend. Marcy this is Frigga Borson." Loki motions to each of them in turn.

After what seems like an awkward greeting, to Loki at least, between the two women, Loki takes Marcia up to his room and prepares to pour his heart out to her. It may not be a safe option, Loki doesn't know for sure that he can trust Marcia yet, but he unexplainably feels like he can. "As much as I loved being asked, Loki, I don't understand why you wanted me to come round?" Loki offers up his desk chair which Marcia sits down gracefully on.

"I just really needed someone to talk to," Loki says taking his own seat on his bed. "I have a problem that I can't talk to Cabal about. I know we don't really know one another but...I just feel..." Loki struggles to find a way to end that sentence without sounding creepy.

"Odd trust and comfort with me?" Marcia finishes for him, which Loki smiles nervously at before nodding. "I hoped you would. I don't want to make things weird but I feel the two of us have a connection." If it had been anyone else Loki thinks he would have found that sentence very creepy and far too forward, but with Marcia he can't help but agree with her. "We can discuss that another time, why don't you tell me your issue." Loki sighs in preparation before launching into his problem, "I think I like Tony Stark...in fact I'm defiantly sure I like Tony Stark."

Marcia hmms in thought, "yes, I can see why you couldn't discuss this with Cabal. Continue."

"I don't even know when it started. Maybe when I started my withdrawal, and he was being so helpful and kind. Either way I hadn't actually begin to see my feelings for him until you mentioned he liked me...and I think he does. We made out on St. Patrick's day. Tony said I was attractive and I kissed him, and he didn't pull back." Loki twiddles his hands as he considers his words.

"So the problem?" Marcia prompts pulling Loki out of his thoughts.

"He walked away from me saying I deserved better, I don't fully remember, I was very drunk. But then the next morning I was throwing up and didn't get a chance to discuss it with him. Then a couple days later he says he's sorry for kissing me, and that he can't break up with Pepper. He says that he needs her, and I tried telling him that I don't want him but he doesn't believe me. If Tony really cared about Pepper why would he make out with me?" Loki desperately asks Marcia, a desperation he hadn't planned to speak in.

"Tony used the word 'need'? Not 'love'?" Marcia asks after a moment of thought. Loki's desperation turns to confusion as he nods. "Maybe he's just scared of being without her. If he says he needs her then maybe she does a lot for him, and he doesn't know how he'll cope when she's not there." Marcia pauses to allow Loki to maul over her words. "If that is the reason," she continues, "then Tony's with her for the wrong reasons and it won't take long for him to break up with her."

"You got all that from the word 'need'?" Loki asks lightly.

Marcia smiles, "I said I was good at reading people." In the moment of silence Loki considers. Chances of Tony breaking up with Pepper, with this new information coming into his light, seems very likely, especially when you add in the fact Tony said he hadn't seen too much of her lately. "Do you really not want to be with Tony?" Marcia asks suddenly, and Loki really wished she hadn't, because he's not sure he can get away with lying to her.

"I don't know," he replies in what he considers honesty. His thoughts concerning Tony are such a mess it's hard to decipher anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've officially come to the conclusion that this story will not get finished. I've been working on the last chapter for months now, and I just can't do it, I have no idea how to write it, and I just don't have the...want to write it. I have 6 further chapters that I have written which I will post one every day, and hopefully some kind of inspiration will suddenly come for the last chapter. 
> 
> Title Quote by Shannon A. Thompson


	45. Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh noes!

By Sunday, in a great juxtaposition to the previous, Loki is feeling so much better, or as good as he can be in the state he is now. The first half hour of the day Loki spends lying in bed just relishing in the painlessness of his body. When he breaths in deeply a smile splits his face as the feeling of sickness doesn’t over come him. Loki was feeling better on Friday but nothing compared to today. Let’s just hope it lasts.

Loki briefly considers phoning Tony to tell him the good news of his recovery, but catches himself before reaching for the phone. _What are you doing?_  he sighs to himself. The conversation the other day with Marcia had lead to the conclusion that Tony would come running to him when he’s ready. Loki wasn’t sure how positive he was about that theory but Marcia seemed convince so he didn’t argue. 'Flirtation but not desperation', is something else she’d said, apparently meaning he should show Tony what he’s missing, but not go shoving it in his face. Loki was still debating whether or not he actually wanted to date Tony at all, but yet again Marcia had an answer for that, stating he shouldn't dwell on it until Tony actually asked him.

Beyond that it was all peaceful in Loki's room and mind until he hears a commotion coming from the front of his house. It's only muffled to Loki's ears because his room is on the back side of the house but he hears it all the same and causes him to furrow his eyebrows in irritation. It reaches it's peak when his mother loudly shouts his name from downstairs. Loki sighs heavily before dragging himself out of the comfort of his bed and moving towards the top of the stairs to see what his mother could possibly want. "What?" He begrudgingly asks the women looking up at him.

"Parker's father's just been run over," she says hurriedly. Well, there goes Loki's lovely peaceful morning.

Loki shoots downstairs as fast as his legs will allow after a few silence moments of processing the situation, and ignoring the fact he's only in his shirt and boxers he sprints out the house. Loki quickly scans the area, finding Parker standing on the opposite side of the road staring with a blank expression at his father's body meters away now surrounded by various members of their neighborhood. Dismissing the crowd entirely Loki puts his focus on running to his friend's side, where he takes Parker's face between his hands to tear the boy's eyes away from the scene. There's no hint of emotion on Parker's face, which Loki finds slightly unnerving; but he doesn't have time to dwell on that now. Instead Loki carefully drags Parker off the street and into his house, away from everyone and everything.

Frigga goes to approach them when they enter, but Loki sharply dismisses her with a shake of his head. Though Loki's not even sure what to do with Parker once he has the male seated in his living room. All he can think to do is sit down beside his friend and hold him through his moment of silence. Calling another member of the Cabal, or a few, might be better for this situation. Victor, Wade and Emma have dealt with the loss of a family member, so they're much more experienced to help Parker through this than Loki. So he reluctantly lets go of Parker's frozen frame in favour of calling their friends, not giving them more information than 'come to my house, Parker needs us right now', but they don't question it, instead they quickly hang up after saying they're on their way.

From there it all goes by in a blur. The rest of the Cabal arrived, and shortly after them the police knock on the door looking to question Parker about what happened. It takes awhile but eventually the shorter male finds his voice to tell them what he saw. Arthur had gone round to open the car door when another car had appeared from nowhere, zooming down the road and run him down, not even stopping to see if he was alright. The police had continued to push Parker for more information: what colour was the car, what make was it, did you catch their license-plate number? After Parker's continuous string of 'no's Victor eventually encouraged the cops to piss off. "Is my father still alive?" Parker asks as they begin to make their leave. Their sullen faces are the only answer they need.

"I'm afraid your father passed before the ambulance even arrived, and they weren't able to revive him." Parker's face doesn't betray any emotion, instead he looks blankly at the floor and silently pulls his hood over his head. He doesn't remove it for the rest of the day.

They try to get Parker to eat something but he just stares out the kitchen window, not even acknowledging the food placed in front of him. Later on they take him down to identify the body. Emma refuses to leave Parker's side, and ends up going into the room with him while the rest of them wait outside, watching through the large window into the morgue. It breaks Loki's heart a little to see his friend stare down at his father on a cold metal table, he can't imagine what Parker's feeling right now.

The hospital Parker's mother attends arranges for a carer to look after Eliza, giving Parker a few days to cope with the tragedy. Instead of going back home, Frigga insists Parker, and the rest of the Cabal, stay over. However with their house only having one spare bedroom, Victor bunks with Loki in his bed, Parker and Emma share the bed in the spare room, and Wade and Tony take the sofas downstairs.

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?" Loki asks into the darkness once he and Victor are settled into bed. Loki lies on his side and stares at the silhouette of Victor in the same position.

"I'll swap you an answer for answer," Victor offers. Loki hesitates slightly before agreeing. "What's your question then?"

"What was it like, when your parents died?" He asks quietly. It takes a long time for Victor to answer, Loki almost gives up and assumes Victor's refusing to acknowledge the question.

"You won't mind if I don't go into detail?" Loki doesn't say anything and instead simply shakes his head, trusting Victor will recognise the vibrations. "I was very much like Parker when my mother died, it was a long time ago so I don't remember much, but I know I didn't cry, I was just silent and withdrawn." There's no emotion in Victor's voice as he talks, no different than usual. It's only a brief pause before he continues. "I was mainly indifferent when my father died, but also quite pleased." Loki gives it a few moments to be sure Victor's done. He's not quite sure what to do with the information, and he's also not sure what he thought Victor would say. Horribly the first thought that comes to mind is 'I hope Parker doesn't turn out like Victor.' Victor is of course Loki's best friend, but even he can't refuse to admit that Victor's emotionally absent, and it's something he wouldn't wish for Parker. Loki wants to ask why exactly Victor was pleased when his father passed away, but decides against it, figuring that'd be crossing the line.

"Your turn," Loki says instead, changing the subject for Victor's sake, however doing so with a slight sense of trepidation.

"Is there something going on with you and Stark?" _Fuck_ , Loki thinks as he closes his eyes to the question. He knows he can't lie. Victor isn't asking to confirm suspicions, he just wants confirmation for what he already knows.

"Not really," Loki says, in what he thinks is honesty. Victor's silence proves he's not taking that as an answer. "We made out," he sighs heavily, "but he wants to stay with Pepper, and I don't know what I want. I spoke with Marcia, she says not to worry about it." He leaves it at that, giving as much detail as Victor. This time the other male seems satisfied, verifying this with a hmm, and ending the conversation by pulling the covers further up himself. "Night Vicky," Loki says before closing his eyes to drift off into dreamland.

 

Loki wakes up early the next morning in order to phone up Tony and cancel his doctor's appointment in favour of spending the day with Parker. He knows fully well that the rest of Cabal will be able to look after Parker well enough without him, but that doesn't mean that he should leave them alone. Tony doesn't seem too thrilled about the idea, but shows a level of understand, one that can only be brought about by remembering the tragic time around his own parents death. As soon as he's done with Tony, Loki calls Marvel to explain why Cabal won't be attending today. After the phone calls Loki contemplates either crawling back into bed with Victor, or going downstairs to see Wade and Tony, who are undoubtedly awake already. He chooses the former, not quite ready to face the day ahead just yet.

The day goes slowly, which is the best way to describe it. They say time flies when you're having fun, and no one can say the wake of someone's death is fun. Parker doesn't seem to want to eat yet, so Loki's mother helpfully makes him a Complan drink instead to keep his energy up. Loki, also without an appetite, elects to have one too. After breakfast, and more so after an insisting text from Stark, Loki suggests they go out for a jog, because apparently endorphins help combat depression iswell.

Parker's back to being silence throughout the morning, no matter how much Emma tries to coax him into saying something. It's while they're settled in the living room watching morning cartoons that Parker finally opens his mouth and speaks his first words of the day. "I should probably start telling people." It's very quiet, and he doesn't look at anyone as he speaks.

Emma's there by his side before anyone else can react. "I'll help you if you like," she offers softly. To the boys' surprise Parker turns his head towards her and nods gently, causing a grin to split her face.

"Any of that seem odd to you?" Tony asks once Parker and Emma have left the room to find a quiet place together.

The four of them don't see much of Parker or Emma for the rest of the day, and eventually Frigga ends up disappearing with them iswell. Marcia phones Loki not long after she finishes school to find out why none of the Cabal had turned up. Loki of course explains the situation to her, to which she offered her condolences. "How is Parker coping?" She asked in her silky voice that Loki's becoming so fond of.

"I'm not sure," he answers, "he's not eating, or talking. He hasn't cried, in fact he's hardly showing any emotion at all." Loki takes a few seconds in silence to think about Parker and his behaviour, before voicing his next concern. "Emma's hardly left his side..." There's silence on the other end of the line, Loki's not sure whether Marcia's waiting for him to speak up again or contemplating what he's just said. "Marcy?"

"Will you be in tomorrow?" Loki furrows his eyes at the sudden change of subject, but decides against pointing it out.

"Most of us will be, chances are Parker won't be up for it, and Emma will probably stay with him."

"Great, give Parker my love," Marcia says softly before hanging up. Well, that was short and weird. As Loki begins to shove his phone back in his trouser pocket, it beeps again to declare the retrieval of a text. Tony; with a simple 'You okay Tinkerbell?'. Without being given permission, Loki's mouth forms a small smile as he begins the start of their long text chat.

 

Frigga yet again insists on Cabal staying the night, which they all agree on, only Victor being rather reluctant. "I can go back home tonight, right?" Victor asks Loki while they're getting dressed the next morning. Loki smirks at his friend's reflection in the mirror, and turns back to sorting out his hair.

"Parker's just lost his father Victor...less than two days ago in fact, he needs us right now."

"I'm sure between your mother and Emma, Parker's going to be just fine," he mutters back and shrugs on his blazer. Loki doesn't reply, he knows fully well the only reason Victor doesn't want to be here is because of his disdain for Loki's mother, simply because she's being too...motherly. "Ready?" Loki takes a moment to look himself over in the mirror... _yes_. He's ready to return back to school...again. Hopefully this return will last longer than the last.

As predicted Emma and Parker stay at home...or at Loki's home. Turns out Emma hadn't discussed it with her family as Cordelia approaches the four of them as they're stuffing bags and books into their lockers. "Is my sister staying round any of your homes by any chance?" Loki smirks before explaining the situation to her. "Can you tell her to return home tonight? Mom's pissed because she thinks Emma's with Christian."

"Of course," Loki agrees, and then quickly gives into temptation by asking, "is Chris okay?" Cordelia shrugs, "I haven't spoken to him since he was released, and he hasn't told either me or Emma where he's staying. I asked Gert and she says he's fine, and not to worry." Loki makes a mental note to ask Gert or Klara when he next sees them, but quickly comes to his senses and remembers he's suppose to have cut his ties with the Frost son. Before Loki can continue the conversation Cordelia's being dragged off by her friends, Sasha Hammer and Lorelei Enchant, the later of whom smirks at him as she walks away.

"I think she might have a crush on you," Tony points out suddenly appearing over his shoulder. _Let's hope not_.

 

"Nice to see you back on your feet, Snow White," Stark greets as Loki takes his place next to Marcia in tutor.

"Indeed."

"Let's just hope this time it's more permanent," Marcia smiles at him, which Loki returns brightly.

"Hello, once you're done flirting I'm still here," Tony says childishly, waving a hand between the two dark heads, who proceed to turn said heads towards him simultaneously. "Creepy..."

"Jealous, Anthony?" Marcia asks, with a smirk that causes Tony to pout and cross his arms.

It takes a while from school to realise just how much Loki enjoys it here at Marvel. It's also today that Loki realises that his fellow classmates over share. Science is the first lesson of the day, which Loki doesn't understand entirely, he hasn't gotten round to revising all the notes Victor's written for him yet. When people ask him where Emma and Parker are he answers openly: Parker's father died on Sunday, and Emma's looking after him. Peter than talks about losing both of his parents in a scenario quite similar to that of Tony Stark's own, except Peter had been two at the time, as oppose to Tony who was fifteen. Harry also shared that his mother died giving birth to him, something Loki also knew true of Thanos' mother. In RE, the lesson following, Loki sits next to Peter again, with Marcia and Gwen behind them whose both sets of parents are very much alive. After break they have their once a week Music lesson, a class which doesn't have a seating plan so Loki's sat between Tony and Victor. On the other side of Victor should be sat Parker and Emma, but since they're not here Loki has clear access to Mercedes, Felicia and Eddie who sit on the right of Emma. Mercedes lives with her mother, but has no idea who her father is. Felicia also lives with her mother, and was told her father died in a plane crash two years ago, but since then she's found out the truth that actually her father's serving sentence in prison. Then Edward, who's another whose mother died during childbirth. Then comes Spanish, and the only new person near for Loki to talk to is Mary-Jane, who hasn't seen her father since her mother left him and took Mary-Jane and Gayle with her. The only people Loki doesn't get information from are the Fantastic Four who never sit close to Cabal if they can help it, and that one kid they can never remember the name of.

What's odd about today is Loki didn't prompt any of his classmates into sharing their home lives, the conversations went as such: they would ask, "is Parker okay?", Loki would reply, "he's coping," which isn't exactly a lie but he doesn't want to share Parker's emotional state with any of them. Then they would start with "you know, my mother/father/parents...", and thus proceed with their own misfortunes. During lunch Loki ponders what it is about death that brings out the worst in people.

Only Tony and Wade come back to Loki's house with him, Victor stating that he can't bear to spend another day of pleasantries from his mother. The three of them get a ride home with with Balder and Thor in the former's car, so it's not long before they're walking through the door to find Emma, Parker and Frigga sat at the island in the kitchen surrounding a laptop, notebook and pen. "What's going on?" Loki asks, dropping his bag onto the floor next to him as he leans on the island next to Emma who smiles up at him.

"We're beginning to plan the funeral," Emma tells them.

"So soon?" Tony asks. "Don't you have to register the death or something?"

"Don't worry, Tony my dear," Frigga reassures, "my contacts have it under control." Tony shares a look with Loki who shrugs back. They don't question it further, and instead trust that Frigga can handle it.

What they've apparently planned so far is a closed casket burial and for Arthur to rest in their local cemetery. Emma says they'll be having red and pink carnations to decorate the church. "Frigga says that red ones evoke admiration, and pink ones stand for remembrance." Apart from that and a list of people who will be attending, they hadn't planned too much. Apparently they have to wait for the registration to go through before planning anything major, and with Odin's high stature and thus Frigga's, it won't take long at all.

Parker didn't say anything at all while they lounged in Loki's room discussing his father funeral, instead Emma did all the talking for him. Loki turns his head to stare at Parker lying on his back next to Emma staring at the ceiling, and he can only hope his friend heals from this tragedy. A Cabal's mind is unhealthy enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strangely enough, after posting a chapter yesterday I had a brian spark for the last chapter, I still wouldn't bet on it coming to pass, because I still don't know where I'm going with it.   
> For those of you that read Getting to Know You, you'll already know that Parker's dad dies, and while I wasn't planning to have it in Save Me, I remembered I'd planned it to occur during this time, so...I had to write it, and strangely enough, it's become my favourite part of this story :)
> 
> Title Quote by Rumi


	46. Seeing her sitting there unresponsive makes me realize that silence has a sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly rambles...

Four of the Cabal boys were curled up in the living once Emma'd gone home, probably to face the wrath of her parents who can't be in the least bit happy. Loki and Parker were under a large quilt upon the sofa, while Tony and Wade lay on their stomachs on the floor. Not long ago they had put The Lion King into the DVD player and were currently watching that. It'd always been their favourite Disney movie as children; well at least it was for Emma, Tony, Parker and Loki; and so it seemed like the perfect film to get lost in. Foolishly Loki and Tony had forgotten that Simba's dad dies in the movie, but it hadn't seemed to phase Parker when the tragedy appeared on screen.

"I love this song," Tony announces as Hakuna Matata begins, him and Wade rocking their heads along with the beat.

"My favourite is Be Prepared," Loki counters, and he can almost see Tony rolling his eyes, despite only seeing the back of his head.

"It fucking would be," he jokes in reply, causing Loki to smirk down at him. "Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata, ain't no passing craze."

"It means no worries, for the rest of your days," Parker suddenly mumbles along, splitting Loki's face into a happy grin. It was always the line they gave him to sing as children.

"Did you ever watch this with your brothers?" Tony asks Loki, randomly.

"No," Loki replies vaguely, "it's our movie. Besides, Balder's favourite was Jungle Book, and Thor loved Hercules." Loki takes a moment to sigh at the terribleness of that movie, before remembering something that puts a small smile back on his face. "Were either of you here when Thor got back from his first day at Marvel."

It takes a moment, but then Tony grins, "yes! He met the Oylmpus family!"

"He was so excited! 'The real life Hercules is in my year' he said as soon as he came through the door." Loki and Tony laugh at the memory.

"Their family is insane though. How many children does Zeus have?"

"Fourteen...by seven different mothers if I'm remembering correctly. I think Thor said that all of them live with Zeus and his wife."

 

On Wednesday they leave Parker at home with Loki's mother, as much as Loki would love to stay and look after him, he can't afford to take anymore time off school. Balder gives them a lift, and by the time they reach their lockers Emma is there waiting for them. "Is Parker alright?" She asks before anything else. Over her shoulder Tony wiggles his eyebrows at him while walking backwards to his locker.

"Parker's fine, Em', don't worry. He's not going to break." Loki smirks at her before going about opening his locker. Her attachment to Parker is beginning to appear...odd...er.

Loki ends up being the only Cabal to go back his house after school. Emma's parents have banned her from being out the house after school for the rest of the week. Tony has to show his face around the care home some time, Wade's gone with him, and Victor still hates his mother.

He finds Parker in the garden, legs crossed and the laptop rested upon them. "Hey, Park'," Loki greets as he comes to sit down next to his friend.

"Loki," Parker greets quietly back. Loki doesn't continue the conversation, if you could call it that; if Parker wants to talk he will, and if he has something to say he'll say it. "You can get cardboard coffins ya'know," not exactly what Loki was expecting, "they're eco-friendly...biodegradable." As Parker speaks there's no emotion in his voice, and it makes Loki uncomfortable, it's all very...Victor-like. "You can get them decorated iswell. They wrap it in decorative paper, or something. I'm not entirely sure. Here's one made to look like the Tardis," Parker leans the laptop over for Loki to see, who hmms in response, "I saw one earlier made to look like dirt."

"Are you thinking of getting one for your father?" Loki asks, leaning his head on Parker's shoulder.

"There's so much choice. I don't know what to choose, I don't know what he'd want. I also don't think I care." Loki lifts his eyes to find Parker's furrowed. "What do you think happens to us when we die, Loki?" He's not sure whether the question over steps the line of Cabal rule or not, but he doesn't think he can refuse to answer Parker's question, not when he's speaking more than he has since Sunday. However when Loki begins to think, it causes a horrible twist in his stomach, he can't deny that he's afraid of death. Afraid of what does infact happen to us when it comes. Or what doesn't come.

"I don't know," he answers and subconsciously moves closer to Parker, "I want to think it's something good. I want to believe there's something waiting for us. But I just can't convince myself that there is." Loki swallows deeply before forcing a fake smile on his face. "What about you? What do you thinks after death?"

It takes five beats for Parker to answer, his furrowed stare unwavering. "Nothing." Parker doesn't utter another word for the rest of the day.

 

Thursday Loki is awoken to his phone ringing. His clock reads 6:02, and Loki groans before answering the evil object. "Wha'?" He grumbles, voice harsh from unuse and lack of water for the past seven hours.

"Not very nice," the childish reply of one Tony Stark comes through. Loki contemplates just hanging up, but he's awake now, might as well see why. "It's my birthday!" Tony exclaims after Loki asks. Of course it is, March 29th, how ever could he have forgotten.

Loki rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. "You woke me for that?"

"I haven't even been to bed yet. I've been waiting to phone you for hours, you're lucky I've done it this late in the morning." Late in the morning? He can't be serous. "Have you got me a present?"

"And why would I do that?"

"Because I got you one...last week...don't you remember?" Loki squints in the darkness to try see the gift Tony did indeed get him, sitting on his desk, still unopened. "So anyway! I'm having a party tonight. I realise it's still a school night, and I-" Loki fades out as his eyes threaten to slip shut, and beyond his control, eventually do. "Are you even listening to me?!" Loki startles awakes from his weak sleep and blinks rapidly.

"Party, yeah... but I'm alcohol free, and looking after Parker, and school,"-Loki yawns-"and things." He carelessly hangs up and shoves his phone underneath a cushion so he can't hear it if it goes off again, before curling back up and drifting off again.

 

Loki's tempted to stay home with Parker, but his mother manages to reassures him that Parker will be fine with her, and before he can question it again Balder's dragging him out the front door. It's weird to leave his mother in charge of looking after one of his best friends, considering it wasn't that long ago that he was screaming at her for not caring about the Cabal. He's forgiven her a lot quicker than he thought he would; maybe he just can't be stubborn where his mother is concerned, doesn't have the strength or willpower to hate her. Whatever may have happened in the past, he's grateful to have her now, and that's all that matters.

Stark doesn't shut up about it being his birthday from the moment Loki sits down next to him in tutor, and the only reason he is sitting next to the male, as opposed to Marcia, is because of a whined, "but it's my birthday!" Tony's seventeen today, so it's not really a land mark birthday like being eighteen or twenty-one. If they were in England it'd be the birthday he can start having driving lessons, but they're not and Tony started driving last year when he was sixteen, leaving the seventeenth birthday with no significance as far as Loki's concerned. But upon saying this out loud Tony still doesn't shut up. "Please come to my birthday party," Tony continues to beg. Loki sighs heavily, much as he had also done that morning, he's already explained enough times to Tony that looking after Parker in the wake of his father's death is more important than standing in a room-mansion-full of drunken people he doesn't/barely knows. Adding then to this that he's now unable to drink at all, and because Tony still hates them, Cabal will not be invited. So, there's absolutely no appeal for him. "Well then spend Saturday with me," Tony offers instead. Loki takes his time considering this, for the rest of tutor infact, only replying as they're walking out the door and on their way to their first lesson. Seems as though he'll be spending Saturday with Tony then.

 

Loki falls back gracelessly onto his bed as soon as he gets home, and hardly moves for the rest of the night. Parker's gone to spend the night with Victor, which is fine. Although, Loki can't help but spend most of his time after school wondering what they're going to talk about. He sort of hopes that Victor's not going to talk about his own parents' death, even though it's a long shot that he even will. It's purely for selfish reasons of course, Loki wants to be the person Victor opens up to about everything. Loki's thoughts are left to wonder because he has nothing else to do. It's seems this is the first time in...so very, very long that he's not looking after Parker, he's not sick, his paranoia isn't plaguing him, he's not in a drug haze, and he's on his own. All on his own.

It's past eleven now, Frigga and Odin are both in bed, Balder and Thor are at Tony's party, Victor and Parker are busy in each other's company, Emma's pretty much grounded, and Wade and Tony have more than likely snuck into Stark's party.

It's almost as though the silence is taunting him. Loki's fingers suddenly twitch. A quick thought occurs of having a certain substance to past the time. Loki digs his nails into the palm of his hands and wills the thoughts away. He's better now. "I'm better now," Loki repeats in a whisper. Deep breaths.

For lack of anything better for a quick distraction, Loki's gaze falls onto the gift Stark had gotten him. He could open it. He should open. He's going to open it. Loki slides of the bed and grabs the nicely wrapped square object and wastes no time ripping it open to find a CD inside. "Have you seriously made me a mix tape?" Loki mumbles to himself, reading the songs hand written on the back. It's only the songs that were on the playlist Tony had previously made him, but the horrible, cutesy thought is still there, and it makes Loki's mouth quirk without permission. Loki decides to quietly put it on.

Suddenly the silence and loneliness doesn't seem so heavy. Loki's fingers relax again, and his negative thoughts fade away to nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> creativecoffins.com is the website Parker's looking at if your interested. Certainly made me giggle :)
> 
> Title Quote by Jodi Picoult


	47. We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

Loki continued to glare at his reflection, or more precisely the strand of hair that wouldn't lie down in the right place. He couldn't put any more gel in his hair, it would begin to look greasy if he did that. Truthfully the hair strain wasn't noticeable, not unless you examined his hair closely. But it didn't matter to Loki if other people could see the imperfection or not, he'd know it was there, and it'd continue to bother him if he didn't get rid of it. Loki tried again to push the hair strain down, only to have it ping back up again. Loki closed his eyes and gritted his teeth to force back the frustrated scream that was eager to expel from him.

Loki had been doing this for a while now. It had started with choosing a shirt. Did he want to wear a red one which as he was becoming aware was Tony's favourite colour; but it does then come with the price that Loki doesn't look good in red. In the end Loki decided he'd throw the shirt out after checking that neither Parker or Wade wanted it, knowing both the male often wore the particular colour. Then came his black shirt with the green stitching, Loki decided it was too plain. He'd ended up choosing a black shirt which had a gold line going diagonally across it, and wore that over a long sleeve shirt which was green and gold striped.

Then came his trousers. Loki had started by putting his best pair of jeans on, the same ones he'd worn back when he was trying to impress Christian for the first time. He'd wonder if they were a bit much, and also added that they weren't exactly comfortable. Tony had seen him at his worse, as long as what he was wearing wasn't covered in vomit, sweat and tears, Tony'd think he looked amazing...well in comparison at least. Loki'd taken off the trousers and swapped them for something slightly looser and more comfortable.

Loki'd been doing most of this in Balder's room, for reasons he wasn't entirely sure off, it just seemed like the thing to do. Balder'd mostly been doing his course work on the laptop, only occasionally looking up to eye Loki curiously when he'd start commenting on his outfit out loud. He'd assumed Loki was just talking to himself until he swiftly turned around and asked furiously "are you even listening to me?" Balder had smiled and nodded, to which Loki had uttered a "good" and turned back to resume looking at himself in the mirror.

Balder couldn't say he was happy with his youngest brother going out with Stark on something that couldn't be called anything less than a date. _A date_. That's probably not how the two of them were establishing it, but it's sure what it looks like. There were two things Balder hated about this. One, despite the fact that Tony was definitely the reason Loki was healthy again, of course he had to recgonise that, Balder still couldn't help hating the male and actually didn't trust him to be with Loki at all. To this point Thor had tried telling him he was being irrational, and that right now, if anything, Tony was the only person, aside from themselves, that they could trust with Loki. Point two however Thor had no redeeming response; Tony was still dating Pepper, granted they were quite distant at the moment, and Thor had told Balder that Pepper had told Jane who had then told him that actually the two of them hadn't even had sex since the last week in February. It was last day of March now. But the point still stands that Tony is with Pepper, and if anything it just makes him much more of a dirtbag for not having broken up with Pepper yet when there was nothing left in their relationship. At that Thor had pointed out that Balder didn't know what was going on in Tony's head, and he couldn't be sure that their relationship was dead.

Balder of course couldn't say any of this to Loki, not after what had happened with Christian. Instead when Stark knocked at their door Balder had smiled at Loki and wished him to have fun.

 

"Wanna go to a coffee shop?" Tony asks Loki once they're in his car. Even Tony looked like he'd made an effort with his appearance today, once Loki examined him closely at least. His hair seemed neater than usual, and was that aftershave he was wearing? Loki smirked before turning to look out the front window instead.

"This is your birthday treat, Tony, we can go where ever you like," Loki replies nonchalantly. Tony hmms happily and continues driving. Loki leans back in his seat and feels his gaze turn back to Tony, and down to Tony's leg. He considers reaching out and trailing his finger up and down the male's leg. Considers, but in the end doesn't, coming to the conclusion that it belongs more in the category of desperation rather than filtration. Also knowing that Tony has a girlfriend, the whole act would over step the line.

 

"How's Parker doing?" Tony asks once the two of them are sat down opposite each other with a drink in hand.

Loki takes a sip of his tea before replying. Tony is still an Avenger, he has no place knowing a Cabal's emotional state. "Fine," he chooses to go with simply.

"It gets easier," Tony tell him, causing an instant discomfort in Loki. _Am...am I suppose to ask? What happens now?_  Loki really wishes sometimes that people were more like Cabal and not share. He has no idea how to deal with it. "Most days I don't even think about my parents, like they never existed. But sometimes you wake up and realise there's something missing, and it's like 'oh yeah, my parents aren't here anymore'." Tony looks up from where he was looking into his coffee, and smile kindly. "But Parker'll be alright."

"Victor wasn't," Loki says before he can help himself. _Oh no_. Loki begs to all and any Gods that Tony does not repeat that to anyone. It's so small, such a small insight to Cabal, but even the smallest cracks can break the wall.

"Victor didn't have Cabal when his parents died." Loki smiles nervously, the words are sweet, but Loki's fear doesn't diminish. It's as though Tony can read his mind when he says, "I won't mention Victor to anyone. I promise." _An Avenger's word means nothing_ , his mind tells him. But the voice is no longer speaking with malice, it's a calm matter of fact that makes Loki smirk.

Loki changes the subject while he has the chance, before he can reveal more on Cabal. "Do you miss them? When you remember they're not there do you miss your parents?" Tony thinks for quite awhile before answering. Loki can see the thought process flash through his features.

"I'm not sure I do. I told you before Jarvis raised me more than my parents ever did. I can't deny I loved them both, but they weren't natural parents. They shouldn't have had me and I think they knew it." Loki doesn't say anything, he senses that even during the quiet Tony isn't done talking. "Can I trust you enough to confide in you Loki?" Can he? Is Loki trustworthy? Cabal aren't trustworthy, he knows that. If a Cabal gets dirt on you they might not use it straight away, they'll store it and use it against you as soon as you hurt them. People know that. Despite this Loki's classmates had confided in him, did that mean they trusted him? They trusted him enough to confide in him, and if they could then so can Tony. Loki would also, very much, like to know Tony's dirt.

"Of course you can. I've trusted that you haven't gone running to tell Avengers about how I've been this past month." To be perfectly honest, the idea of Tony telling The Avengers about his drug withdrawal hadn't even crossed his mind until now, but...he does trust that Tony hasn't told them.

Tony takes a deep breath before speaking. "Remember when I told you I started drinking after my parent's died?" Loki vaguely remembers that. Remembers Tony saying it after he said he needed Pepper. In fact Loki doesn't need Tony to tell him that's what happened, Loki was there. Loki remembers Tony turning up at their house in search of Thor, stumbling as he walked and slurring his words. Loki remembers hearing about Tony being kicked out of Marvel because he was turning up to school drunk out of his mind. Headmaster Fury had taken him back, presumably after Tony got his act together. "I hit rock bottom. I pushed everyone away from me, my mind turned to shit, I got expelled from school, I ruined my parents memorial service, and I thought I was going to lose everything, and the more I thought that the more I kept drinking. But Pepper stood by me." Loki angrily turned his eyes from Tony. He didn't come out to be reminded why Tony didn't want him. "I know you don't want to hear it but please listen. Pepper was the one that picked me back up, slapped me round the face and made me realise what I had done. She didn't leave me no matter how much I tried to push her away." It was Tony's turn to advert his eyes from Loki. He stayed lost in thought before turning back with a small smile. "Pepper got me over my addiction, she made Fury give me a second chance, she put my life back on track. But my parents...they never got over theirs." Loki's eyes widen slightly. Tony stared at him whilst drinking his coffee, waiting for a response no doubt.

"What were they addicted to?" Loki had grown up being told Howard Stark was the smartest man in the world, probably an over statement, but nevertheless he couldn't imagine the great man or his charity worker wife having any addictions. He knew before they weren't prefect, he couldn't have grown up with Tony and not have known that.

"Howard was an alcoholic. I rarely saw him wasted, but I never saw him sober. My mother's addiction I never realised until after she died, after Jarvis told me about it. I always knew something was different about her, but I never imagined that." Tony takes a moment to gaze off into the distance before becoming fully focused on Loki once more. "Maria was a cocaine addict. Looking back on it now it all seemed so obvious, but I had no idea while she was alive. Jarvis said that she developed depression when I was a toddler. Anti-depressants didn't work for her. One of her friends suggested this drug and...Maria never stopped taking it till the day she died." Tony bit the corner of his lip and nodded his head slightly. "So like I said, they weren't fit to raise me, they were too busy dealing with their own shit. But _you're_  better now." Loki raised an eyebrow at Tony. "They didn't listen when people who cared for them offered them help, but you did, you listened to me." Tony takes Loki's hand in his, which Loki can do nothing more than stare down at. "Both of us got over the addiction that they couldn't. I got over alcohol, and you got over an addictive drug."

"You still drink," Loki points out with a smirk, and turns his head back up to look Tony in the eye.

"But not everyday, and a little here and there won't kill me." Tony gives Loki a toothy grin, which Loki returns with a laugh. "Wanna get out of here?" Loki nods.

 

Loki and Tony were walking around the local lake, the same one Loki and his mother had previously visited, when Loki turns to Tony and asks, "do you feel raw?" Tony looks at him with an infinite amount of confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

"When you were telling me that stuff about your parents, did it not leave you feeling open and raw?" Loki had tried not to over think what Tony had opened up to him about, but the pressing question that just wouldn't leave his mind, wasn't even 'why?', it was 'how?'. How could Tony just willingly open up to him about that? How could he reveal such intimate details to someone? Forget that it was Loki he told them to, even if he was sharing with a close friend how could he do it? It was something Loki couldn't imagine ever doing, could never make himself vulnerable like that. Loki didn't feel upset by the fact that he couldn't share his deepest fears with someone, that he couldn't open up, perhaps if he could he would have talked to someone instead of taking drugs with Christian. No, Loki was not upset, actually right now, for some strange reason he pitied Tony because he could, and did share. Pitied him for making himself vulnerable.

"No, I don't feel 'raw', if anything I feel relieved, like a weight lifted off my chest. It's good to talk."

"No it's not," Loki tells him before he can stop himself, "talking and opening up leaves you vulnerable. You can get hurt trusting other's to keep things safe."

Tony regards Loki oddly for a moment. "Cabal really are crazy, huh?" Loki glares hatefully at Stark. "Sorry, I didn't-I shouldn't have said that. But the whole 'we don't share things' it's beginning to make more sense to me now. Do you not even trust each other?" Loki stays silent. Honestly he trusts Cabal with his life, none of them would ever hurt him, he could tell them anything and it wouldn't leave their group of six. However, he didn't trust himself not to hurt them, and that would mean he also didn't trust them not to then use he secrets against him in a lashing out revenge. Loki knew that the rest of the Cabal shared this view for themselves, and that's why not sharing secrets was safer for their relationship in whole.

"'May this secret seem like an oasis within a desert of insanity'," Loki repeats the quote to Tony. "When you die your secrets are the only things you take with you, so keep them safe." It wasn't really answering Tony's question, but Loki hoped it acted as a viable substitute.

Tony kept quiet, kept his eyes trained on Loki. Slowly Tony began moving closer to Loki. And suddenly Tony was right in front of Loki, their eyes locked. "You'll keep my secret, won't you?" He asked quietly.

"Of course," Loki replied in a voice very much the same.

"Then can I share another one with you?" Loki nodded. Tony cupped Loki's face in one hand, and used it to bring their faces closer until their lips were brushing against one another. Loki closed his eyes, waiting in anticipation for their lips to fully connect. "I want to be with you." Tony moves their mouths together before Loki can even express his shock at the statement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! The whole upload a chapter every day fell apart quite quickly :) Excuse: I'm currently in the middle of changing jobs, which is scary as anything.   
> However: My new job will be less hours, so hopefully I'll have time to finish this last chapter.
> 
> Title Quote by Frank Crane


	48. Turns out it was mostly a lie. But, at least for a short while, it was a beautiful one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun da duuuuuun, dun dun da-wait, no that's not right...

It couldn't have been a more perfect day for what was about to happen. The sun was hidden behind dull clouds, not rain clouds, it would not rain today. There was a gentle breeze, just enough to make the new leaves flutter. Loki noted all of this during the quiet car ride. It was somber. It was nothing. There was nothing good or bad to say about the atmosphere. It was much like Parker who in the past two weeks had neither smiled nor cried. He'd been silent in both voice and emotion. Four out of six Cabal had nothing to say to one another as they followed the black hearse. Directly in front of them was the funeral car holding Parker and Emma, along with Parker's mother and her carer. Arthur Robbins' funeral had come sooner than expected, much to the involvement of Frigga, who was currently driving the remaining Cabal to the destination. As they pulled up to the church, Loki was met with many people he didn't recognise. It wasn't a big turn out, Parker's family was small. Apart from Eliza, Parker now only had three remaining relatives, those of which Loki could pick out in the crowd. John King, Parker's cousin who also attended Marvel, class 9.5, and his own mother and father, brother to Eliza. Loki stepped out the car with Tony, Victor and Wade, and waited on the curb for Emma and Parker to join them.

They stood together in silence as they waited for the coffin to be taken out the hearse, where it would then be carried towards the church by Arthur's friends. Parker kept his hands hidden in his pockets and his eyes trained to the ground. He wore his red hoodie still, underneath his blazer, with the hood yet again pulled over his head. Emma stood by his side, an arm linked his while the other rubbed soothingly down it. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Emma was not wearing white, and had appropriately gone with a black dress instead. Finally when the coffin was making it's way towards the church, the Cabal turned their eyes to Parker before following his lead behind the casket.

It's as they were crossing the threshold into the church that the chosen music reached Loki's ears.

_This city's lost it's hope, I repeat, I boast. The strange will walk alone. They scurry with their doubt, darkness shrouds, the sirens shout. Against the concrete below. Oh, this works all for you and me, it's all our being. We'll burn this city down!_  

Loki bit down on his lip to keep himself from smirking at the inappropriate song choice.

> "Have you decided on a entrance song yet?" Emma asks, absently shaking her pen between her fingers as she reviewed the notes made for Arthur's funeral. Parker wasn't really listening to her, Loki could tell that easily, and it made him smile. Over the course of the past couple of days Loki'd realised there were a thousand different decisions to make planning a funeral, and he'd also realised it was taking it's toll on Parker. So, Loki, Tony and Wade had taken Parker away from Emma and Frigga's planning, and shoved an X-Box controller into his hands and told him to play Batman for a couple hours. So Parker didn't reply. He carried on playing Batman. He carried on pretending to be a normal fifteen year old, blissfully unaware of the stresses of planning a parent's funeral.
> 
> "Have you listened to the album for this game? It's eleven slices of awesome." Tony states keeping his eyes trained on the screen.
> 
> "Sounds good," Parker mumbles, his fingers moving frantically on the buttons and eyes not once moving from the game.
> 
> "So what, you're ignoring me but not Tony?" Emma asks, stabbing her pen in Tony's direction, but as she's sat behind Parker the action is wasted on him.
> 
> "I just told you the Arkham City album sounds good. Use a song from that."
> 
> "You can't be serious."
> 
> "I vote Deranged!" Tony quickly puts up his arm, which Wade and Loki then proceed to follow in agreement.
> 
> "Sorted." Parker finalises. Emma doesn't bother to argue further, and instead writes it down. 

They all take their places in the pews as the song continues and the coffin is placed at the front of the church. Emma, Parker, Tony, Eliza's carer and herself, sit in the front row as follows. Wade, Loki and Victor sit on the row behind them, John and his parents joining them shortly after.

_Who will be your pretty, little enemy? When I'm gone your world will prove empty. I promise you will always remember me. The joke's on you, poison me. While you clean the streets of misfortune, I pick the innocent from my dirty teeth. We're one and the same, deranged._  

Loki didn't need to look to know each member of the Cabal were mouthing along with last sentence as it repeated itself.

_We're one and the same...deranged._

Loki realised then, that if anything, this was much more a day for Cabal then it was for Arthur. Parker's father was gone, and he had no other family left that he actually cared for. Now all there was...was Cabal.

"We are here today to remember and lay to rest Arthur Robbins," the Reverend began once he'd taken his place at the podium, "born November 19th, 1974, and taken from this Earth March 25th, 2012. He will be deeply mourned by his wife of 19 years, Eliza, and his only child and son, Parker."

Loki quickly lost interest in what was being said, he knew it was disrespectful, but he couldn't help it, he could just tell this would be long winded. Loki only had to look at Victor from the corner of his eye to know he wasn't focused on the speech either. Directly in front of him Parker was bent over as he sat, with his hand clasped together and his arms rested on his legs. On either side of him, Tony and Emma had a hand rested on his back. Loki kinda wished Parker'd cry. Admittedly it wasn't the nicest thing he'd ever wished, but Loki thought it'd be best if Parker let out his grief in a way other than silence. It'd be healthier maybe.

"As we begin," the Reverend said finally, once again pulling Loki's attention back to him, "I'd like to ask you to join me in prayer." To make up for his lack of focus, Loki repectfully bowed his head silghtly and put his hand, not together, but near one another. "Father of all and God of hope, we come to you in shock and grief and confusion of heart. Help us to find peace in the knowledge of your loving mercy to all your children, and give us light to guide us out of our darkness and into the assurance of your love.

"We pray to you for those we love, but see no longer. Grant them your peace, let light perpetual shine upon them, and in your loving wisdom and almighty power, work in them the good purpose of your perfect will; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." They all mumbled the word, and raised their heads back up. "Please take up the Order of Service that was put on your seat when you entered, and look to the second page where you will find the words to 'Jerusalem', which I ask you now to stand and join me in singing."

"We're not expected to know the words, right?" Victor whispers to Loki as they all stood, save Parker and Eliza. Loki smirks and shakes his head in reply, before patting Parker's back in what he hopes is a comforting gesture.

Of the Cabal, only Loki, Emma and Wade manage to get through the hymn pretty easily; Loki and Emma mainly because of it's popularity in England as one of it's main unofficial anthems, and Wade because, as it recently turned out, is Catholic. Victor gives up pretty soon into the hymn, Tony ends up mouthing the words and Parker...well Parker's silent.

"Please be seated," the Reverend asks of them once the hymn comes to a close. "I will share with you now a scripture from the book of Psalms."

> "So, what's with the Psalms reading?" Victor asks as he overlooks one of the Order of Service programs Emma and Frigga had finally finished making.
> 
> "No idea," Loki replies nonchalantly and carries on nibbling on his toast.
> 
> "They're poems." Emma tells them. "And poems, like songs, invoke emotions, and can provide comfort." Victor made a noise of vague acknowledgement. A noise that told Loki that Victor didn't care anymore. "My favourite is Psalm 39. I always imagine it being spoken with a crazed voice, like the person is on the brink of madness. Perhaps screaming the words while crying." Loki and Victor raised an eyebrow at Emma, who was looking straight past them with her head in hand. "We should ask the Reverend to read it at the funeral."

"I said, 'I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth while in the presence of the wicked.' So I remained utterly silent, not even saying anything good. But my anguish increased; my heart grew hot within me. While I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue:

“'Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Everyone is but a breath, even those who seem secure.

"'Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom; in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth without knowing whose it will finally be.

“'But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Save me from all my transgressions; do not make me the scorn of fools. I was silent; I would not open my mouth, for you are the one who has done this. Remove your scourge from me; I am overcome by the blow of your hand. When you rebuke and discipline anyone for their sin, you consume their wealth like a moth -surely everyone is but a breath.

“'Hear my prayer, Lord, listen to my cry for help; do not be deaf to my weeping. I dwell with you as a foreigner, a stranger, as all my ancestors were. Look away from me, that I may enjoy life again before I depart and am no more.”

The church is silent as they await the Reverend to speak again. Loki tries his hardest to stay focused on the man in front of him, but finds his mind unwilling. "A funeral is a time for silence. There is much to think of and ponder in our hearts. We have need to put a restraint upon ourselves, lest we speak rashly or fall into idle and unprofitable talk. But silence cannot always be maintained."

> "Why not just be with me then?" Loki asked in hushed voice. He kept his forehead against Tony's, their noses brushing against one another.
> 
> "I-I can't, I'm not ready to let go just yet." Loki doesn't like that answer, and instead of replying pecks Tony gently until he begins to explain further. "I'm not ready to let go of Pepper, she keeps me grounded." Loki laughs, much more on the bitter side than anything else, but he doesn't pull away. "I trust you to keep my secrets Loki, but not to keep me from destroying myself." Understandable, Loki supposes, but still he doesn't hear anything he wants to. The thought occurs that Tony shouldn't trust Loki at all; Loki could go tell Pepper exactly what's transpired between the two of them, she'd end things with Tony, and Loki's problem would be solved. "Just give me some time," Tony begs, "I want to begin something with you Lokes, but I can't be rushed into this. Pepper is security, and you're...Cabal." _You need to decide if I'm worth the risk_ , Loki concludes.
> 
> Loki can't even be sure if dating Stark is what he really wants. Cabal wouldn't be happy. Balder wouldn't be happy. Would he even be happy? This was a guy who couldn't even break up with a girlfriend he didn't want to be with for him. A guy that was currently proving his ability to cheat on people. But as Tony's hand caressed his hip, Loki couldn't think of anything better. Expect he was Cabal, and Cabal weren't treated like this.
> 
> Finally Loki removed himself from Stark's embrace, and walked two steps back from him. Stark was being a coward, and it was Loki's job now to set him straight, just as he'd sent Loki down the road of recovery. "This," Loki begins, motioning between the two of them, "doesn't happen again, not while you're dating her. If you want me, take some goddamn responsibility in your life instead of dumping it on someone else." Loki turned and walked away from Stark, hoping to Gods he didn't follow. Stark didn't deserve the security of Pepper. And Loki would like nothing more than to tell her as such.

"It'd be at this point," Loki snaps his eyes back open as the Reverend begins to move the funeral on, "that I'd invite one of the deceased's family members to offer an Eulogy, or share with us a poem or prayer. As neither Eliza or Parker seem fit to do so, Parker has asked two of his friends to do something on their behalf. I'd like to ask Emma, to come and lead us in prayer." In front of them Emma kisses Parker's forehead before standing and going to take her place behind the podium.

They all bow their heads once more as Emma's voice begins to float around them. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen." Again they mumble the word back, and Loki smiles at Emma as she comes back down to take her place next to Parker, and Tony replaces her at the podium.

The Reverend had been right, Parker was in no fit state to do a Eulogy for his father, and whilst planning the funeral he'd suddenly asked Tony to do one instead, stating "you were like a second son to him; I can't think of anyone better to do this." When Tony had asked Parker why he didn't want to speak for his father he'd given the simple answer of "I can't", and so they'd left it at that.

"I was six years old when I met Parker, and it wasn't long before I met Arthur iswell." Loki's mind kept silence as Tony proceeds to speak, respectful of the speech Tony put time and effort into writing. "I don't have a family of my own, and over the past nine years Arthur had become something of a father to me, or at least the closest thing I was ever going to get to a parent. Over the past nine years it'd become very apparant to me that Arthur was a caring person, but anyone who knew him knew that. Arthur, and his wife Eliza married when they were both eighteen, after dating for a few years before hand. Three years later they had Parker, and not long after that Eliza became sick...but Arthur looked after her, he quit his job and he stood by her side each and everyday until the day he died." _But now Parker has to take up that burden_ , Loki can't help but think to himself, and given Tony's pause, he can't help but assume he's thinking the same thing. "Arthur will be deeply missed by all those he came in contact with. By his wife of eighteen years, by his son, by me...the rest of The Cabal, and I'm sure everyone else here."

Tony nods his head to signal the end of his speech, and steps down from the podium. Everyone politely claps around them, and as Tony nears the pews Parker stands to elope him in a hug. "Thank you," Loki hears him whisper.

"If you could all pick back up your Order of Service programs, you'll find the words to our final hymn, 'Lord of the Dance'. It's a perfect choice to lift our spirits, chosen because of it's close connection to Arthur. It was a hymn sung at both Eliza and Arthur wedding, and then at Parker's christening. Please stand."

This time Parker does stand with them, and Emma keeps one hand on him while using the right to hold the words. It's a long hymn, and Loki doesn't think it's entirely appropriate for a funeral. It's far too upbeat. For The Cabal, only two of them manage to sing the hymn well, those being Emma and Wade. Loki can't tell whether Parker's whispering the words or just mouthing them. Victor doesn't attempt to sing, and both Tony and Loki just try to join in as best they can, mainly just singing the chorus.

"Now let us move outside, and continue the ceremony whilst we prepare to commit the beloved husband, father and friend, Arthur Robbins, to the ground."

The Cabal wait with Parker until the coffin has been taken outside before following the crowd. The whether hadn't changed at all, outside was exactly the same as it had been before they'd entered the church. It wasn't an odd thing of course, the whether wasn't due to suddenly change, but Loki felt it should have, if only a little. The six of them stand at the end of the grave, directly oppisite where the tombstone will later be, looking down into the dirt pit that would become Arthur's home. It made Loki's stomach churn thinking about it. Thinking that that's where they'll all end up. Just a body in the ground.

"In the midst of life we are in death; of whom may we seek for succor, but of thee, O Lord, who for our sins art justly displeased?" Loki looks away as the coffin begins to lower into the ground. Tears slowly begin to well up his eyes for the first time since the incident. He can't quite tell if it's because he's actually upset, or it's just an emotional overreaction caused by his PAWS. With a deep breath he decides it's the later of the two. "Yet, O Lord most holy, O God most mighty, O holy and most merciful Savior, deliver us not into the bitter pains of eternal death. Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts; shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer; but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty, O holy and merciful Savior, thou most worthy Judge eternal. Suffer us not, at our last hour, through any pains of death, to fall from thee. Amen." Loki looks over to Parker. Emma has her arm around his shoulders and her forehead his resting at the side of his. She looks a lot sadder than Parker. Parker who's still completely emotionless.

The Reverend pauses and waits until first dirt if thrown on the coffin before continuing. "In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother Arthur Robbins; and we commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him, the Lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace. Amen." Parker makes no move to join in with his father's friends in throwing in dirt or flowers, though his gaze does stay fixed on the coffin throughout it. "May the Lord be with you."

"And with you," they all reply absently.

"Now please join me in the Lord's Prayer. Our Father who art in heaven..." Loki tries his best to repeat the prayer, but constantly trips over the words, unlike Emma and Wade who don't miss a beat. "for thine is the kingdom the power and the glory; for ever and ever; Amen." The Reverend leaves a quick beat after everyone has finished before carrying on. "Almighty God, Father of mercies and giver of comfort: Deal graciously, we pray thee, with all those who mourn, that casting every care on thee, they may know the consolation of thy love; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." He pauses again as everyone repeats. "Rest eternal grant to him, O Lord: And let light perpetual shine upon him. May his soul, and the souls of all the departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen."

Everyone else leaves at that point as the Reverend dismisses them, leaving just the Cabal at the graveside waiting as the grave is filled with dirt. They had asked Parker if he'd like to go, and he'd just silently shook his head. It was an odd thing Loki thought, watching someone else's death finally become...final. That was it now. No more planning a funeral. No more actual funeral. Parker'd decided he didn't want to go to the wake after the grave was filled in either, so they'd just go home and carry on.

Finally the grave was filled and soil flattened out at the top. It was over. They all turned their heads suddenly as Parker let out a heavy deep breath. "It's done," he stated and all tension seemed to slip out off him at the words. He seemed instantly better...just like that.

"That was fucking long," Victor bit out. Loki was about to scowled him before he saw a smile grace Parker's lips. _A smile_. Now? At that? Loki raised an eyebrow at Emma, who made an unknowing motion back.

"You know," Parker suddenly began, with a look on his face Loki couldn't quite place, but it didn't look good, "most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them. My father isn't one of those people." Hate perhaps, Loki continued to wonder.

"Of course not, Parker." Emma says softly, faintly touching his arm.

"I didn't mean that in a good way." As Parker's voice takes a dark turn, a hint of fear flashes in four pairs of Cabal eyes; it was a tone they'd never heard in the smaller male before. "My father revealed a secret to me before he died, and it's something I'll never forgive him for." Cabal stay silent. They can't ask what the secret is, and the air is much too tense to say anything else. So they wait, wait for Parker to continue or to finally leave, whatever pleases him. Minutes later with a heavy sigh, "my father's death was not an accident." Then he turns and leaves, Victor being the only one to follow after him while the four stay stuck in their place with the sullen air still hovering around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The entrance song was Derranged by Coheed and Cambria.
> 
> Title Quote by Russell Brand


	49. That’s the way life is sometimes: you can fix things up, but you can’t make them all better.

Loki stares blankly at the floor in front of his feet. He'd backed himself up into the corner of his room, vaguely remembering when he was in such a posistion over a month ago. "I may be sober now, but I'm still a mess." Loki huffs in defeat and rests his forehead on his knees. It's like his life is a roller coaster at the moment; just as he thinks he's getting better there's a sudden drop to send him crashing back down.

Ever since Arthur's funeral it's just been one bad thing after another, and it doesn't look like the tracks are going to go back up anytime soon. Cabal had tried not to think about what Parker had said, or what it meant, but it at least continued to linger in Loki's mind. 'My father's death was not an accident.' The idea of Arthur being murdered was the first thing to spring to his mind, and if so by who? Parker? It was a prospect Loki didn't want to think about, so he pushed it from his mind.

On the Friday after the funeral Loki found a distraction in the form of his rearranged doctor's appointment. Loki didn't want to go. It would be the first time he'd been in contact with Tony since Saturday, and Loki wasn't really looking forward to seeing him again. Tony had had nearly a week to break up with Pepper, and still he hadn't; clearly Loki wasn't worth the risk afterall. However, between Balder and his mother pushing him out the door straight into Tony's arms, he found he didn't have a choice. It hadn't sat right with Loki, and he found his body begging to scream and lash out at those trying to control him. Which was a surprise to say the least, it was a feeling Loki'd only had while under a drugged mind. He tried to brush it off and put it down to PAWS, but still he couldn't shake off the uneasiness that came with it.

Loki couldn't remember really being in a hospital before, only when Thor had broken his arm. Those many times. It wasn't as bad as Thor's trips, and Loki had even gotten the same doctor, Donald Blake. Loki had been put in a small room consisting of the doctor's desk, a few chair and an examining bed, and in the there Blake had starting by asking him questions about how he'd been feeling. He'd refused to make eye contact by the time it came round to retelling the past three months being a drug addict. Then came listing the types of drugs he'd taken, which really Loki didn't know, but from the descriptions he'd given, Blake concluded it as heroin, cannabis, cocaine and ecstasy. Then there's the amount of alcohol he'd consumed. That's where the real issue came, the mix of drugs and alcohol, the mix Doctor Blake came to focus on was the mix of alcohol and cocaine, or more importantly the chemical it might have produced in his liver. Cocaethylene. Blake had gone into detail about what the chemical did to the body, and how it was made, but Loki blocked it out, he was sure Stark would repeat it to him in simpler terms later.

After the talking was done Blake had taken Loki's blood ready for testing. Tony had offered to let Loki hold his hand with a grin, but instead of accepting the obvious joke offer Loki had proceeded to glare at the male, images of Saturday playing in his mind. It was as Blake was pushing the needle into his arm however that Loki's hand quickly darted out to grip tightly onto Tony's for support, hoping also with every fiber of his being to break the older male's hand in the process for making him injure such pain. Loki also had to provide a urine sample, which he wasn't okay with, but at least it didn't involve a needle. They were promised to get the results the following Monday, Loki couldn't say he was looking forward to it. Not one bit.

Saturday to give the track credit was fine. Loki had even agreed to allow Tony to spend the day with him. They had gone shopping for Easter Eggs ready for Easter Sunday the next day, which Loki had completely forgotten about with everything that's been going on. Neither of them had brought up what had happened between them on Saturday and how Tony had said he wanted to be with him. Loki was half glad about that, he was in no mood to talk about their relationship, whatever it may be, but he did want to know if Tony was any closer to letting go of Pepper. It's been a week since their last kiss, three weeks since their first kiss, and little over a month since Loki had started going through his withdrawal and Tony had become so close to him. Why was it taking him so long to decide? But Loki wanted to let it go, to start putting it all behind him; if Stark was too scared to be with him than fuck him! Right now Loki was fully ready to cheer himself up binging on chocolate. Only that was where the track dipped once again.

Loki had felt sick by the time he went to bed, but he put that down to too much intake of sugar and milk. However after the first half hour of vomiting and the inability to stand from the weakness in his legs, Loki wasn't so sure. His suspicion of this being something more were confirmed when Balder pointed out how grey he looked, and even worse the blood pouring from his nose. Loki hadn't realised he was bleeding, but after putting a hand to his nose, his fingers came back covered in red. "What's wrong with me?" Loki had asked miserably, his voice breaking with a hint of fear.

It was indeed Monday when he got the test results back. It was a bank holiday, so Marvel was closed, meaning Loki wasn't effecting his attendance by staying at home; but that was the only good thing that came out of today as far as Loki was concerned. Loki still hadn't recovered from his sickness last night, and had gotten very little sleep, so it took a while to really process what Tony was saying to him. Or more specifically what the test results said.

"Liver Damage?" Loki repeated. He sat still on the sofa Tony had placed him to reveal the bad news, his hands clenched together in between his legs, and eyes staring up at the older male with various emotions.

"Doc says it's only temporary, Lokes, it could be worse. Trust me, it could have been a lot worse." The words held no comfort to Loki. How could the doctor be sure it was only temporary? Of course Tony was right, it could have been a lot worse; but the fact remained, if Loki hadn't done drugs in the first place, there'd be nothing wrong with his body at all, temporary or otherwise. It didn't matter how bad it was, it was still going to have an impact on his life. Not that Loki was planning to take drugs or alcohol ever again, the later of which at least not in the near future. Loki wasn't sure what he was suppose to say or do in response to the news; so he just sat there, and allowed it to really sink in. The reality of the situation begin to form in Loki's mind. He'd over reacted, gone running into the arms of a guy he barely knew, allowed himself to be persuaded into taking unknown substances and had now ruined his body, and for what? For an artificial high that never really made him happy.

Loki didn't want Tony to see the tears beginning to form in his eyes, and so had quickly bolted up to his room, and eventually curled up in the corner.

 

Loki doesn't look up as he hears his door slowly open, and only recogises the intruder as Stark once the male slumps down besides him with a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry, Loki," Tony whispers into the silence. Loki lifts his head, but keeps his gaze forward with a slightly furrowed brow.

"Why? This is all my fault, if you-" Loki cuts himself off quickly at the realisation of what he was about to say. It's then he turns his head to stare at Tony. Tony Stark had saved him. Unfortunately that thought no longer left a bitter taste in his mouth. Loki would like to think that it was his own decision to get over drugs, fueled by his night with Victor and his love of Cabal. Or that even without Tony's pushing he wouldn't have been on drugs forever; eventually he would have rehabilitated. However, he knew it was Tony's words that had encouraged him to get clean, and that without his help Loki wouldn't have known where to start with withdrawal and would have quickly relapsed, doing unimaginable damage to himself in the process. With a short sigh Loki swallows his pride. "If you hadn't have helped me I would have done worse damage to myself than this. You said yourself it could have been a lot worse. I'm sure I owe you a lot, Tony." Loki wanted to kiss the brunette in that instance, but he had to stay obstinate. He'd said nothing else could happen between them while Tony was dating Pepper, and he meant it. He had to be strong. No one wanted to date someone who was weak. _I have to stop moping_ , Loki suddenly realised, _compared to Pepper I'm an emotion wreak, and no one wants to deal with emotional baggage_.

"Still, if I'd helped you sooner we might have avoided this." Loki's first instinct is to tell Tony that he hadn't wanted help, he had wanted to destroy himself with Chris and none of it was his fault, but that'd be disgustingly nice, and that'd be weak. What would Cabal say?

"Stop playing victim, Stark," Loki smirked instead. Tony let out a small laugh, before grinning and leaning his forehead against Loki's. Loki groaned painfully as he felt himself enjoying to closeness. "Don't do that," he grumbled, pushing Tony away from him. Tony wasn't allowed to touch him, not while the name Virginia Potts was still plastered to him. "I told you, Stark, no more of that."

"I'm going to break up with her, Loki, I promise." Tony took one of Loki's hands and interlaced their fingers, while trying to meet the green eyes. Loki just stared down at the joined hands. _No you're not_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out we'll have a last chapter after all! It's a bit iffy, but the fact remains it's...there! So just two more chapters and an Epilogue.
> 
> Title Quote by Amy Joy.


	50. Sometimes you have to choose between a bunch of wrong choices and no right ones. You just have to choose which wrong choices feels the least wrong.

When Loki awakes he finds Stark right behind him, chest connected to his back. A position he'd only ever previously been in with Victor and maybe Chris, he didn't remember with the later. Loki can't find it in him to remove Tony right away. Instead he takes Tony's hand from his shoulder and brings it round to his front where he can play with his fingers. It's a good ten minutes before Loki decides he's had enough and finally shoves the hand back and elbows Tony in the ribs to get him up. _That was uncalled for_ , the small voice in him says as he stands from the bed, _Pepper wouldn't have done that_. Loki scowls to himself. _Well I'm not Pepper. I'm Cabal_. And that's why Stark doesn't want be with him. But there was no time to linger on that, they had to get ready for school.

Tony was still at a loss for what to do about Loki and Pepper. He liked Loki, he really did, and he...well he wasn't sure what he felt for Pepper, it certainly wasn't love. He's not sure if he ever did, or if he was just in love with the security she gave. Pepper had been great for him, he couldn't deny that and would never forget it, but their relationship had run it's course. It was a high school relationship, so it wasn't going to last forever anyway, but that didn't mean Tony was entirely comfortable bringing it to a close.

It's not as though Tony really had anyone to talk to about this either. Avengers thought Cabal were all bat-shit crazy, and chances are last thing they'd want for Tony is to go and date one of them. Whereas they all loved Additional, the group Pepper was apart of, and the two groups had even joined together to match make Tony and Pepper. Tony was grateful for that, Pepper was by far the greatest thing to have happened to him.

In the end what it comes down to is: Pepper is safety, she's someone Tony can rely on to pick him up when he falls down, someone he trusts never to hurt him. Loki was the start of something new, a risky adventure waiting to happen. Pepper was something that didn't really appeal to Tony anymore, if he stayed with her he'd be content, but not happy. Loki was an unknown road, and someone who couldn't be trusted to look after himself, let alone help Tony keep himself together. They'd just have to be destructive together. After all he had promised Loki; promised that he'd break up with Pepper.

Tony lets his head fall down onto the desk infront of him, causing Bruce to jump violently; he doesn't care for the weak glare his friend sends him. Instead of going through the provided Maths questions Tony had spent most of the lesson making lists in the back of his book titled 'Pros and Cons of dating Loki' and a similarly titled one for Pepper. So far the pros of dating Pepper were a lot longer than the pros for Loki, and it was at that realisation that Tony decided the list was stupid. "Is there a problem, Mr Stark?" His teacher Miss Ross asked from the front of the classroom.

Tony slowly moved himself back up into a sitting position. "Not at all," he sighed, picking back up his pen and using the other hand to run his fingers through his hair. When he moves his eyes from where they'd been dejectedly staring down he meets Pepper's own blue ones, fulled to the brim with concern. He wanted to smile back at her with affection, as he once would of, but he couldn't bring the emotion to his face. Instead he stared back with a neutral expression before turning his eyes back down to his maths book.

 

With a head in one hand Tony stared across the cafeteria while his other hand absently pushed around his lunch with a fork. Tony wasn't sure what it was about black haired male that drew him in so much, he'd seen him vomit his guts out for god sake, that should have put him off straight away. During their time together Loki had done nothing noticeably attractive. Sure, Tony had always found the way Loki's pale skin contrasted with his dark black hair attractive, and the Cabal always had a kinda dangerous and mysterious air about them. Tony wasn't the first person to fall for a Cabal, Susan had for Victor, and even Thor had previously stated he had a lust for Emma. He hadn't done anything about it, and had instead dated Amora Enchant, something Natasha and Steve had disagreed with. Tony had thought the pair made a hot couple.

"Is it just me, or is Stark staring at you?" Tony asks from besides Loki, raising his eyes suspiciously at the male of the same name. Tony didn't think Stark noticed him staring at him, his gaze was too focused on Loki.

"I hadn't noticed," Loki muttered absently, keeping his own attention on his lunch. Tony narrowed his eyes slightly but didn't question it further, he wasn't allowed to. It seemed like it was always just one thing after another with his friends. With an internal sigh Tony also got back to his lunch. He had a feeling the truth would come out soon enough anyway. Just like Emma's affair with Mr Summers, just like Loki's drug use, and just like Parker's secret would.

 

As soon as Tony enters his home after school he heads towards his room, falls back on his bed, and stares up at his plain white ceiling. He just needed someone to talk to, someone to tell him want to do and where to go next. Someone to guide him through breaking up with Pepper and reassure him dating Loki was a good idea. But what was it Loki had said, he needed to take responsibility of his life instead of leaving it up to someone else.

Truth was he was scared. He'd freely admit that in the confides of his room. He didn't want to start drinking again, didn't want to end up like his mother or father. Tony knew with Pepper that would never happen, but with Loki...Tony didn't even know how to end that sentence. Everything with dark male with uncertain.

Perhaps Tony was making this all more complicated than it had to be. It was simple, there was no point being with Pepper if he didn't feel anything for her anymore. Tony quickly sat up and began searching for his phone. He'd just phone her up and ask her to come round, then he'd break up with her, she'd understand and then Tony and Loki can be together. Because that was what he wanted, right?

Tony couldn't bring himself to hit the call button, overcome with fear of the unknown. What if she took it badly? What if him and Loki were a terrible fit and they broke up within a week? Then Tony would be all on his own, and this break up might even effect his relationship with his friends, especially with Loki being a Cabal. They could see it as Tony fraternising with the enemy. But Cabal weren't Nazis they were just teenagers, and this dislike between their groups was childish. How had it even started? Tony vaguely remembers a seven year old Clint punching six year Loki...but that was nine years ago! Though it was only last year Natasha had casually told Emma she looked like a slut and the two girls had gotten into a fight over it. Emma had pulled out quite a bit of Natasha's hair out.

Tony shook his head, there was no point pondering these things. They could all get past it, and be happy that their groups could come to peace through Tony and Loki's union. Tony's sure at least Thor would be delighted. So he picked up the phone again...

...and still couldn't press the button.

 

Loki smiled to himself as he flopped down on Victor's couch. Back to normality. The Cabal had just came back from their Friday cinema night, and Loki had insisted they all have a 'sleep over' round Victor's home, something they hadn't done in a while. Loki thought he'd use this opportunity to tell them all about Stark. Tony had been the first the notice Stark staring at Loki across the cafeteria but as the week had progress the rest of Cabal had caught on to. Loki didn't feel comfortable with their subtle questioning glances, and after much debating had thought it best just to bring it out in the open. Well actually it had been Victor's idea, bringing it up in a whispered voice during their Art class on Thursday. "You're going to have to talk to Stark if you don't want everyone knowing there's something going on between the two of you." Loki had kept quiet, keeping his focus on the sketch in front of him. "In fact I think you'll find your friends are more open minded than you give them credit for." Now that had hurt, and Loki decided he hated Victor and his unending logic sometimes.

"It's always nice to go to sleep without the sound of porn in the background," Tony randomly yawns, stretching his arms above his head. Loki rolls his head forward and meets Emma's own amused gaze.

"What the hell are you talking about, Masters?" Emma asks, tilting her head to the side slightly.

"Two out of the three boys I share a room with, are porn addicts, it's crazy." Tony shifts and leans his head against Wade's shoulder who was sat against the couch next to him. "All hours of the night; the one's into Asian's and the other's into big breasted, blondes. You might get along with him, Em'."

"Maybe," Emma rolls her eyes with a smile.

The room goes quiet, and Loki decides to use this as his chance to open up about Stark. "So," Loki starts to get their attention, "I'm sure you've all noticed Stark staring at me recently." The rest of Cabal only hmm in response, and Tony re-opens his eyes from where they had drifted shut. Loki only allows his stomach a second to twist nervously before quickly moving on before his nerves get the better of him. "We've kinda, urm...or rather he's...no, it's like..." Loki cringes to himself, he's very rarely tongue-tied, and this certainly wasn't the time for it. But sharing just...isn't something he's comfortable or used to. And to be honest, he hadn't the faintest idea where to start.

"Would you rather us just ask?" Tony questions, and yes, Loki thinks he would prefer that. A simple yes would be easier than a confession. So he nods.

Emma huffs a laugh and obliges. "Have you had sex with Tony Stark?"

"Oh, god no!" Loki exclaims quickly.

"Have you made out with him?" Victor asks the question he already knows the answer to.

"Yes, that I have done." Loki stares down at his hands as he answers, and waits for any type of response from his friends.

"Well then," Emma says, shifting so her head is in one hand and her elbow upon the arm rest, "please expand on that." When Loki looks up he's not greeted with the disgusted faces he thought he would, instead Tony, Wade and Emma are looking at him with pure interest. Victor's none pulsed, and Loki can't even see Parker's expression under his hood. With a smile of relief, Loki processes to tell his friends about the past five weeks with Tony Stark.

 

Of course they wouldn't be Cabal if his friends hadn't told him in the end that they think dating Tony would be a terrible idea. "We all think Stark's a twat, Loki, and I'd be surprised if you didn't still think so."

"Oh, I still do," Loki agrees with Emma.

"But if you want to date him, that's fine by us."

"As long as we don't have to be around him you can do as you please." Tony adds in a sleepy voice. His eyes have once again closed, and he's beginning to curl more into Wade's side. "He'd be an idiot not to leave Pepper for you."

 

Loki yawns heavily as he finally crawls into Victor's bed. He sits up with his legs bent, arms resting upon his knees as he waits for Victor to join him. "Don't you think it was odd how quiet Wade was this evening," Victor ponders as he begins getting changed.

"I guess," Loki shrugs nonchalantly, "I can't say I noticed." He watches absently as Victor changes into a black shirt and jogging bottoms.

Victor hmms to himself as he pulls the quilt up and slides in next to Loki. "Tony yawned on the way back here and Wade hardly spoke after that."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Loki closes his eyes and rests his head on Victor's chest. He drifts off to the thought that he's missing out on something only Victor's eyes can see.

 

Loki doesn't see Stark at all over the course of the weekend, infact along with the rest of Cabal he doesn't leave Victor's house until Sunday night, they all have their own spare clothes round there anyway...well expect Wade who just steals Tony's instead. Unfortunately however, Stark does text Loki over the weekend, and Loki makes the mistake of allowing Emma to sort it out, who messages Stark back from his phone that Loki's not going to talk to him till he's broken up with Pepper. The thing is though, is that Loki's not sure if actually he should be grateful for Emma doing this. Either it'll push Stark in the right direction, or it'll allow Loki to get over him.

So, continuing with Emma's text, Loki doesn't look at Stark as he enters their shared tutor, and silently sits down next to Marcia who quirks an eyebrow at him. Loki later explains the situation to her in Drama. "He might begin to think you're uninterested in him," she states calmly.

"And that'll encourage him to try his best to regain Loki's interest," Emma argues, "trust me, the best way to grab a male's attention is to ignore him."

"And you would know this of course, being a male yourself." Tony smirks at the blonde.

"I would know this after spending the past nine years of my life around you assholes."

"Ouch!" Tony puts a hand to his heart with an open mouth expression plastered on his face. Loki and Parker simultaneously huff at Emma's comment.

"I think Emma might be right," Marcia interjects.

"About us being assholes?"

"No, about ignoring Anthony. It also fits into the whole let him know what his missing we talked about before." Emma smiles at Marcia's words of agreement, but Loki can see her trying to cover up a frown. It's not until the next lesson that Loki realises why. Emma wasn't an idiot she could read between the large, unsubtle lines. Loki had spoken to Marcia before her and before Cabal. He chose a near stranger over his friends of nine years. He had trusted her more than them.

Loki keeps his focus on the computer in front of him as he begins whispering to Emma, "the only reason I talked to Marcia before you is because Cabal hate Stark, I needed outside help on the matter, Em'"

"It's fine," Emma whispers back, "Cabal aren't used to this sort of thing anyway, I don't blame you for not wanting to share with us." It's not that he hadn't wanted to, it's just he didn't feel like he could. Besides, Loki had found out about her and Mr Summers from Chris, so that showed how much her own trust went; she had no right to be upset. Even though Emma, hopefully, didn't use the words with malice they still stung Loki.

Later Cabal pass Avengers on their way to English. When Tony tries to grab Loki's attention, Emma and Marcia force him to keep walking with his head forward. They also make Loki sit with his back to Tony at lunch so he can resist the urge to meet his gaze. Loki feels the same uneasiness in him that he had on Friday; that need to scream whenever someone tells him what to do. It's not just with his friends, it also appears when his teachers assign the class work. He'd taken the time to think it over throughout the day and had come to a feasible conclusion. He'd spent the past three months unable to fully control himself while Christian's words and the influence of drugs clouded his mind. _Maybe_ , he thinks, _these feelings are just my way of stopping it from happening again. To ensure nothing, or anybody, ever takes controls of me again_. Loki ends by huffing at the thought. _Or maybe I'm just insane. Maybe this is one of the symptoms of PAWS I'm going to have to deal with for the next couple of years. Sounds about right_.

 

_I need to see Loki_ , Tony decides after a half hour of staring at the blueprints in front of him. He wasn't in the mood to create anything right now. Loki had ignored him all day, and while before that wouldn't be anything unusual, being as close as they had been recently the absence was noticeable. Not even so much of a text. Loki had said all he had to do was break up with Pepper to gain his attention again, but he couldn't right now, and didn't know when he'd be able. It could be awhile. Tony didn't want to spend awhile away from Loki. So with that in mind he began to get ready it leave.

It was as he was getting his shoes on that his phone began to ring, and with the idea that it could be Loki giving in, Tony quickly answered it. "Hello?" He asks in a hopeful voice.

"Hey, Tony, how are you?" It was Pepper. Tony felt himself psychically deflate, but carried through with the conversation without letting it show in his voice.

"Hiya Pep, I'm good. What are you uh... what are you calling me for?" He tries to sound as natural as possible while holding the phone between ear and shoulder, simultaneously shoving his Converse on.

"Well, as your girlfriend I don't think I really need a reason," Tony forces a small laugh as a fake agreement, "but I was hoping that you'd come meet up with me? It feels like forever since we've spent some quality time together." Tony cringes and takes to the phone back in hand.

"Sorry, Pep, I was just heading out to go see Loki, maybe some other time."

"This isn't the first time you've brushed me off to go spend time with Loki, ya'know. In fact you've been doing it constantly now for over a month, Tony." Well, he didn't really know what to say in response to that. He hadn't been choosing Loki over her that much, had he?

"Loki needs me right now, Pepper."

"He's sick, you said, a few times actually, but he seems fine now, and now I need you. I need to spend time with my boyfriend."

"What are you talking about? We hang out at school everyday." It's only silence Tony gets in response. "Pep?"

"Forget it, Tony." With that Pepper hangs up, and with a shrug Tony shoves his phone back in his pocket and heads out.

However when Tony arrives at the Odin household, Thor greets him at door only to tell him Loki's not in. Tony find it hard to mask his disappointment, but in the end decides to spend the day with Thor instead, in hopes that he'll see Loki when he returns home.

Loki as it happens is yet again round Victor's home, lying between his best friend's legs, back to his chest. Victor mostly ignores his friend's presence while typing away on his tablet, and Loki tries his best to distract his mind with the TV instead of letting it flow to thoughts of Stark. Unfortunately it doesn't work and Loki can't get the brunette out of his head. "Maybe I should just date you instead." Loki randomly tells Victor, it being the first thing spoken by either one in over an hour. There's an absent hmm admitted from Victor, a clear sign that he's not actually paying any attention to Loki. But he continues anyway. "I mean, I probably trust you more than anyone. We already sleep in the same bed all the time, we're basically spooning, or cuddling right now, and we've even had sex. Maybe Tony was right when he said we're overly close." Loki takes a moment to sigh. "You're not dating some red headed bitch either." It's silent then as Loki waits for any type of response from Victor, only to smile when he doesn't get one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only really like the last paragraph in this, the rest is very badly written.
> 
> Title Quote by Collen Hoover


	51. Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, Loki, I was making it up as I went along.

It all happens rather quickly, one day Loki's moping that Stark won't break up with Pepper, and the next he walks into the cafeteria at school and...Stark's breaking up with Pepper. Loki can't quite believe his eyes, and no amount of willpower in the world can stop the grin forming on his face. The Cabal make their way over to their table and watch, as everyone else does, as the now ex couple have a screaming match in front of them all. It's not until Head of Year 10 and 11 Mr Dugan, and Head Master Fury come to remove the pair that the room returns to it's normal volume. Loki makes eye contact with all five of his friends before bursting into happy laughter. Least to say they look at him like he's crazy.

Tony doesn't show up in tutor, and so Loki takes that time to think on what he'd said to Tony that Saturday, a whole three weeks ago, which doesn't seem as long ago until he actually counts it up. _This doesn't happen, not while you're dating her."_  But Pepper's not in the picture anymore, and Loki can do more to Tony than a secret/drunken make out. Though, Loki can't help but think it's in bad taste for him to start imagining all this, not half an hour after their relationship has officially ended. Still, Loki guesses it's better thinking about it now than it was while the pair were still together.

Loki's excitement nearly gets the better of him after school as he considers waiting for Tony after school. They could go back to his house, talk about the break up and their potential relationship, and possibly do unimaginably dirty things to one another. The thing that stops him however, is Emma dragging him out the school gates with an 'I don't think so, sweetheart', which Loki is none too happy about. "You don't even know whether or not you want to date him," she scolds. "Besides, we had a plan. A simple plan, Loki, which involves ignoring one Tony Stark, not running into his arms as soon as he's available." Loki rolls his eyes, he doesn't exactly think deciding to ignore someone constitutes as a plan.

"But the 'plan'," he raises his fingers to form quotation marks, "of ignoring him was to push him in the direction of breaking up with Pepper, and now that's happened I no longer have too. Also, we don't need to be in a relationship to talk, or have fun."

"Do you really want to be taken advantage of like that?" Emma asks. Loki huffs, that's rich coming from her, a teenager who had sex with a married teacher! None the less, Loki replies, "he wouldn't do that, I told you he pushed me away when I tried to get it on with him. And having sex in a none committed relationship is hardly being taken advantage off." Emma just shrugs in response. "What are you three doing even walking this way? You live in the opposite direction." Loki says, referring to Emma, Tony and Wade.

"We're all going to Victor's house to arrange your next move," Tony smirks at him.

"What?!" Victor and Loki exclaim simultaneously. "You can't just invite yourself to my house." Victor continues.

"I'm starting a relationship, not declaring war," Loki points out.

"I'm sure there's no difference, Loki; and everyone knows Victor, that your house is a communal place." Loki and Victor don't say anything in response to Wade's gibberish, they just turn their heads and stare at him in disbelief.

 

"I think you're over thinking this," Loki mutters once the six of them are seated in Victor's living room. "I don't need a plan, I-"

"Yes you do," Emma interrupts.

"Unfortunately, as much as we realise you like Stark, we don't," Tony starts, leaning forward with his hands clasped together, "we don't trust him, and so we're not going to let you run into his arms without making sure this is the right thing for you." Loki furrows his eyes.

"We just want to make sure that he's not going to throw you away as quickly as he gets you." Emma explains.

"You don't think you're being a tad over protective?" Loki questions.

"Not at all. What affects you, affects all of us." She points out, and just as Loki's about to argue Emma continues with, "one Cabal, all Cabal."

"Fine," Loki gives in, "what did you have in mind?"

 

"Hey Ozzy," Wade greets Harry Osborn as he, Tony and Emma round his desk in DT.

Harry sighs heavily, "it's Harry, Wade. What do you three want anyway?" The trio grin widely. "Forget I asked, go away."

"You know, Harold," the male quickly grimaces at his full name, "we heard it's your birthday tomorrow." Emma states cheerfully.

"Well, you've known me nearly four years, you should know when my birthday is."

"Do you know when our birthdays are, Osborn?" Tony quickly asks, going off subject, to which Harry doesn't reply. "Didn't think so."

"Back to it," Emma glares slightly in Tony's direction, "we think you should have party on Saturday."

"I don't think so," Harry swiftly begins to decline, "my dad would murder me."

"We can handle that, and besides, you do this for us, and Cabal will own you a favour!" Tony offers happily.

"What are you getting out of this?" Peter suddenly asks suspiciously from his place on the other side of Harry.

"Cabal business," Tony says, his voice a bit less cheerful, and a hint of hate in his eyes. Emma stares at her friend questionably but doesn't say anything.

"Okay," Harry agrees after a moment of silence, "but you have to convince my dad first, and I want that favour."

"Harry."

"Come on, Pete, it's my 16th birthday, I should be having a party anyway."

"You've made the right decision, Goblin boy," Wade says clasping Harry on the back, who looks back at him in confusion.

"That lunatic's not coming in my house."

 

Fast forward to the end of period four, where one Mr Osborn is collecting the homework from last week and giving out another sheet for this week. "Mr Wilson," he says once he gets to the last pupil in the class, "where is your completed Maths sheet?"

"Well, urm...I...," Wade hmms and scratches his head until Mr Osborn's glare heats up. "I eat it." His mind spurts out. Next to Loki, Victor raises his hands to his face. He's sure the words Victor's repeatedly mouthing to himself are: 'it's illegal to kill people.'

"Wade, you are an idiot. And I feel terribly for Miss Ross who will be preparing you for your GCSE's next year, because you haven't a hope in hell of passing."

"Understood." Wade replies, still with a wide grin on his face. In front of Parker, Eddie flies his hand over his head, and Loki couldn't agree more. Mr Osborn sighs heavily, and dismisses them all for lunch.

Both Victor and Loki stay behind as everyone else leaves, they have some convincing to do. "What can I do for the two of you?" Mr Osborn asks as they come to stand in front of his desk.

"It's a shame about Wade." Victor says, none too sincerely.

"Is it?"

"Yes," Loki answers, "it can't reflect very well on your teaching." Loki and Victor hadn't planned to use Wade's idiocy as leverage, in fact they hadn't come up with anything at all.

"One bad apple does not spoil the whole bin."

"Your saying would be true, Mr Osborn, were you able to throw out the bad apple. However you can't, and so it's mold will spread onto the rest." Victor explains nonchalantly. He puts his hands in his pockets and leans against the edge of the table behind him.

"I'm not going to give him a pass on forgetting his homework, if that's what you're asking, Mr von Doom."

"Oh, not at all." Loki steps in. "In fact, we were going to offer cleaning up Wade a bit, ensure he doesn't mess up for the rest of the year, in your classes at least."

"Imagine having all your pupils pass their mock tests at the end of the year, especially as it's your first year teaching."

"Even Mr Ramsey didn't have that track record, and he was Year 10's Maths teacher of six years." Mr Osborn takes a few minutes of consideration.

"What are you after?"

"We need you to let Harry have a party on Saturday," Loki answers simply without taking a beat.

"Do you? Why don't you give me a reason why and I'll consider it," he replies with a smirk, "I'll give you hint, 'it's Harry birthday' is not a reason."

Victor shares a look with Loki quickly before replying. "We have to manipulate Tony Stark, and Emma thinks the best way to do that is during a party atmosphere, and it being Harry's birthday is the prefect excuse to have one. I think the whole thing is complete nonsense and her idea of a 'plan' makes no sense at all, but if I don't go along with their insanity they can very easily make my life a lot more difficult." Victor takes a break while Osborn smirks back at him. "You only have to teach Wade for a total of 3 hours and 20 minutes every week, I have to deal with him every fucking day."

"If only murder were legal." Osborn smiles in a way Loki would only describe as creepy.

"I'd be so much happier."

"Have I told you, you're my favourite student, Victor?" The corners of Victor's mouth turn up every so slightly. Loki suddenly has the urge to glare hatefully at his Maths teacher.

"You could prove it by helping out."

 

"God, Victor," Loki says angrily as they leave the Maths department, having secured Harry's party for the weekend, "why didn't you just go ahead and bend over his fucking desk!" Loki storms past the rest of Cabal who are waiting at the end of the hall for them.

Loki's not sure why he got angry at Victor, but by the end of day he apologies with the excuse of PAWS. He had also, during lunch, gone and told Mercedes about Harry's party, so it must of got to Stark by now, trusting Mercedes ability to spread information. And without fail, the person he needs ends up coming up to his locker as Loki's getting ready to leave. "Alright, Snow White?" Loki narrows his eyes at the nickname.

"Prefect before you showed up." He replies not looking at the brunette.

"Don't be like that." Tony begins to move closer to Loki. "I can't imagine you don't know I broke up with Pepper, most of the school saw after all."

"Yes, Stark, I was aware." Loki closes his locker, and prepares to go, but Tony blocks him.

"I did it for you, ya'know." Loki rolls his eyes at the kicked puppy look on Tony's face, but he doesn't say anything in response. "Listen, we haven't spent time together in ages," Tony points out, and Loki guesses that's true, last time was when they woke up in Loki's bed, and that was a week ago, "so I was wondering if you wanted to come to Osborn's party with me?"

"As your date, Mr Stark?" Loki smirks, and in turn it causes the smile to reappear on Tony's face. He'd love to say yes, but it doesn't go with the plan. "I'm sure I'll see you there." He nonchalantly says instead, and tries to walk around Tony, but is quickly caught by the arm.

"Loki, please-"

"You took too long breaking up with Pepper, Stark, if you want my affections you're going to have to really earn it." Loki pulls his arm out of the other male's grasp and quickly walks away before he can say anything else.

 

"Thinking on it now, 'Em, I'm not too sure your plan makes anything sense."

"To be honest, Loki, I was making it up as I went along."

"Great, well I'm glad you're taking my love life so seriously," Loki mutters angrily. "I don't even like anyone here."

"What about, Osborn? You used to have a crush on him," Tony pipes up helpfully.

"That was in year 7 and fuck you for remembering."

"Come on, Loki," Emma begs, "you just need to go grind up against him."

Loki slowly turn his head to stare at his friend. "Excuse me?"

"The best way to get a man's attention is to make him jealous."

"You said it was to ignore him last week." Tony points out.

"Fuck off, Masters, it's all the same thing!"

"Hi, half of Cabal." The three of them quickly turn their eyes to the interruption, Tony Stark. Loki tries to straighten up his face, act as though they weren't just talking about him. "Where are the rest of you?" His friends now turn their eyes to him, expecting him to answer, and while they do Loki grins internally as an idea comes to mind.

"Well, the last time I saw Wade he was in the middle of wooing Peter, and-"

"Fuck!" Tony exclaims, and quickly goes off in search of his friend.

"-then Victor, I'm sure was arguing with Reed, and I'm not sure where Parker went, I haven't seen him in a while."

"What do you mean you don't know where he is?" Emma asks with concern and goes to do the same thing as Tony.

Loki stands there smiling happily at Stark. "You see why you shouldn't let people see your weaknesses?" Tony huffs a laugh while Loki takes a sip from his cup.

"Speaking of weaknesses, I hope you're not drinking."

"As sad as it's going to make me appear, I currently have a solo cup full of tap water." Loki says holding up his plastic cup, to which Tony fakes a grimace. "Yeah, the only thing that's getting me through it, is the thought that this is only temporary, and in say five years I can get shit faced just like everyone else."

"Or you could have a liver transplant, shorten the time."

"Maybe I can take yours," he says stepping closer to the male, "Mr Stark." Loki says seductively, locking his eyes with the other male's. He's not sure what escalated his mood, but it doesn't last long, and as Tony leans in to kiss him Loki quickly turns his head. He tries to ignore the wounded look Tony displays and smiles awkwardly at him, before leaving the room in search of his friends.

It's Marcia he ends up finding. She's on one of Osborn's balconies staring up at the black sky. The stars barely in view. "Hello Loki," she whispers as he begins to approach her. He only greets her back once he's leaning on the railing next her. "Are you worried about Anthony again?"

"He's been single now for at least four days, but Emma says I can't do anything, that I have to make him earn my affection."

"Well, he did keep you waiting for quite a while. It's your turn to make him suffer." Marcia's sweet sounding voice completely contradicts the bitterness of her words.

"By playing hard to get?" Loki smirks, and Marcia simply smiles in response. "Emma said to make him jealous, but there's no guy here I want to get psychical with." Loki sighs. Tony comes into view in the garden below them, and Loki leans his head in hand and stares down at the brunette.

"The person doesn't have to be male," Marcia say, gaining Loki's full attention again. "You trust me right?" Loki nods but doesn't say anything. "Stand up straight," she orders calmly. Once Loki has, she wastes no time by closing the gap between them, pushing her fingers into his hair and connecting their mouths together.

Loki only allows himself a shocked moment before he's closing his eyes and coming to rest a hand on her waist, and another on the small of her back. He's never been attracted to women, so while he can't say Marcia's tongue in his mouth or her breasts pushed against his chest are doing anything downstairs, it oddly feels right to be doing this. When they break apart, the two dark heads keep their foreheads connected. "Hopefully, Anthony will be looking up at you now, filled with jealously and upset."

"Do you really think this is the best course of action?" Loki whispers back.

"She may be your friend Loki, but I don't think Emma Frost is the best person to ask for relationship advise. I mainly just kissed you because I wanted to." Marcia pulls away, and smiles sweetly up at him before walking back into the house, leaving Loki to stare into the blank space infront of him. When he looks back over the balcony Tony isn't there anymore.

 

Hours later Loki finds himself sitting on the edge of the porch in Harry's back garden, the music still blaring behind him. All sense of plan had disappeared, Loki's beginning to doubt there was one at all; but everyone was having fun, and that was the main thing. Harry was having a great time, despite Wade harassing his best friend, but Tony had easily sorted that out. It's definitely better than the last party he went to, but he'd been drugged and potentially raped in that one. Loki still wasn't prepared to admit to himself what had happened, so it'd have to stay as potentially.

"So, Marcia Lang, huh?" Tony suddenly appears, coming to sit down next to him. Loki only looks at him momentarily before staring back out into the garden.

"She's just a friend." Loki vaguely excuses.

"You make out with all your friends?"

"Only the ones that ask nicely." Loki smirks, and Tony laughs as he brings his bottle to his mouth. "Truthfully, though, I was trying to make you jealous." He pauses briefly, before raising his eyebrows at Tony, "did it work?"

"Maybe. Just a little bit." Loki takes Tony's pause to smirk victoriously to himself. "The thing is though; I've already told you I want to be with you, so where's the need to make me jealous?" He points out, as he comes to bring his hand to rest on Loki's thigh.

"It was Emma's idea." Loki says but keeps his eyes glued down on Tony's hand.

"Maybe you had forgotten, Tink, but Cabal hate me, why on Earth would you take their advise?" Loki's gaze quickly snaps back up as he glares at Tony over the constant nickname, before answering.

"Cabal would do anything to make me happy, even if it meant being with you." Loki pokes Tony harshly in the chest on 'you', and grimaces at his own words. They sound disgusting coming out of his mouth.

"Wanna know what I think we should do?" Tony asks, to which Loki raises an eyebrow. "I think we should take some time to get to know one another before we can start dating."

"We've known each other for ten years, Tony," he points out with an expression that says 'you're an idiot'.

"We've hated each other for ten years, Loki," Tony corrects. _Well, yes that is true_ , Loki thinks to himself. He also tries to remember when he stopped hating Tony; when the disdain stopped and the want began. It doesn’t really matter though, all that matters is that he does. More than anything, right at this moment, he wants Tony Stark. His mind might change by next year, or even tomorrow morning, but that's not important now. "So," Tony continues, "we should take things slow, go on a few dates, leave it a few weeks and then see how we feel about dating then." _It was a good plan, a safe plan_ , Loki concludes. While he was still on the ropes about dating at all, it was exactly what they needed. Still, Loki didn't care for whatever outcome it'd bring, because still right now, he wanted Tony. Instead of thinking anymore, Loki allows his want to take over, as he leans forwards and kisses his desired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, months of writing and re-writing, and mainly frustrated avoidance, this is the best I could come up with. Hope you liked it!
> 
> Title Quote by Santosh Kalwar


	52. Every Caterpillar turns into a Butterfly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

Loki pulls back from the kiss and smiles widely up at Tony. “You’re stupid for even asking,” he teases, and pecks Tony back on the lips again.

“It’s a yes or no question Loki,” Tony grins in response.

“But you already know my answer.”

“I want to hear you say it.” Loki rolls his eyes, Tony had only become more cocky as the weeks had gone on.

“Yes, you fucking idiot,” Loki closes his eyes, as much as he now wants it, the words still leave a bad taste in his mouth, “I’ll be your boyfriend, Tony.” Before Loki can even take a breath Tony is putting his hands on either side of his face and bringing their mouths back together. Loki melts into it and wraps his arms around Tony’s neck. “Don’t ever make me say that again.” Loki whispers as the two of break apart for a quick moment, before instantly joining back together.

 

Once back home, Loki sits down at the island in the kitchen and sighs contently. “You okay, Love?” His mother asks, looking up from where she was reading her magazine.

“Perfect,” he answers, and it’s complete truth. He couldn’t be happier. It may have taken two months for him and Tony to get together, but at least they have now, and although they hadn’t officially been dating over the past two weeks, Loki’d been happier than he had in ages.

They’d gone out with Cabal last Saturday, and Loki was incredibly pleased as not one of them started an argument with his now boyfriend. They had insulted him like hell after they’d parted ways, but at least it wasn’t to his face. Loki had even watched on happily as Tony and Victor had had a pleasant conversation on whatever scientific nonsense Loki didn’t understand. They had at one point come to a disagreement, but both males had bit their tongues to avoid starting an argument.

Today was May 4th, and Loki made a mental note to date it in his phone as his and Tony's anniversary. Though he wasn’t optimistic, he may really like Tony now, but he doesn’t think they’ll last a year together. Loki knew he was going to prove much too difficult for Tony. They’d already come to a disagreement when Loki refused to come meet up with Avengers with him, and there was his PAWS to think about which was still raging on. His PAWS to note though was only really acting up when someone told him what to do, which was something of a positive he guessed, at least it wasn’t all day everyday.

“Thor! Get the hell off me!” Loki hears Balder yell from the living room, snapping him out of his tranquil thoughts. He turns round in his seat with a glare to see what the commotion is; but through the two doorways he can only see a mop of blonde hair above the back of the sofa. “MOM!” The oldest Odinson shouts again. Loki turns to his mother who huffs with a smile before standing up.

“You’re brothers can be such children sometimes,” she says as she walks away. “Thor, stop sitting on Balder!”

Loki rolls his eyes before turning them down to his mother’s magazine. He swizzles it around to get a better look, to find it left open on the horoscope page. Loki quickly scans his eyes across the page to find the Leo section, and proceeds to read the nonsense written there.

'Life quietens down a little this week. Whatever it was that was getting you so worked up is either over, or you've realised that it doesn't really matter. You also realise that what you wanted is right there in front of you, but you were too busy being angry to see it.'

Loki smiles despite his disbelief in the words. He’s very, very happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally over! It only took me two years...Note to self, never write another chaptered fic, it never works out.
> 
> It wasn't quite how I'd imagined the ending, but at this point even reaching one is good enough for me. The horoscope used is a Virgo one for the 9th of December back in 2013, which according to my notebook, is also the day I finished chapter 29.
> 
> Anywho, I hoped you liked it, and I do have more stories in the works for the Troubled Minds verse, so hopefully you'll read those iswell ^-^ But thank you so much to everyone who read to the end, and those who gave a Kudos, and everyone for commenting. I know I didn't response to a lot of them, because I'm entirely useless, but I did read and appreciate them all :)


End file.
